bones1 Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 I have been dating a girl for 4 months, and I feel the major facets of our relationship are going quite well, and I feel we are good for each other in many ways. But every so often, and sometimes it is often, little episodes irritate me, which cause me to be critical of her, which leads to us yelling at each other. I do things that irritate her as well, but for this question, i just want to focus on my reaction to her behavior...... A typical scenario happened today, and it went like this..... During the past week she has been talking about a little table and chair set she wants to buy advertised in the newspaper. On monday, I offered to go get it with her on wednesday night, as it is the night she doesnt have kids, and is free to check it out. (even though her minivan has more than enough room, she feels that i need to go with her to put in my truck). Her reply to this was a somewhat irritated "It is going to be sold out by then!!!!" So, I agree to leave work early tuesday to go get it. (I work for myself so i have the freedom to). So, i then went to her house to get the circular, and she wasnt sure if she wanted it... Didnt know if it would be wobbly, the right color, etc etc, all of this after i left work early. Then Wednesday night, I spend 3 hours looking at the table with her, and other things at Target (while i have the flu), but they are sold out, but another Target has the table she wants, and they will hold it for one day. So Thursday, i spend 2 hours off work getting this table for her, and finally this is done. Then she calls me as soon as i drop off the table, complaining about the color, the chairs, etc , saying one chair needs to go back, etc So after all this, i am frustrated, irritated, and hang up on her, while telling her I am sick of doing these types of things for her, as she always finds something wrong. She then says I am selfish, and never want to help her. So in my view, I spend 2 days off work, and one evening with her, for some table, all for her to just condescendingly tell me i picked out a crappy set of chairs and table. In her view, I am selfish and narcississtic, as I should be happy to help her, and not complain at all. What is going on here? Is she too picky and not appreciative, or am i selfish and impatient?
Merin Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Well.. No I don't think you were being selfish.. I think if she wanted the table and chairs set so badly then she should've done 1 of 2 things.. gone and picked it out herself and purchased it.. OR gone with you to make sure it was exactly what she wanted and purchased it or decided against it. I think it seems unreasonable to be so wishy washy on IF she want's it, IF it's going to be the right color etc... in some ways because of her behaviour prior to you going to pick it up for her.. You may have set yourself up to fail here.. it seems she wasn't 100% certain she wanted it to begin with, and she used you to make the final decision by sending you to select it.. Does that make sense? Where you went wrong is when she called you to complain about the sette you selected on her behalf.. You got pissed, then you *gasp* hung up on her. This is NEVER a good idea, and I can 100% gaurantee you will piss your SO off even more so then the orginal disagreement you were having to begin with. So with that said.. when you find yourself in this place again *and for some odd reason I have the feeling you will doh!* BEFORE it gets to the point that you're feeling so pissed off and hang up on her.. tell her that you really tried, you didn't and don't mind helping her out when you can, but you cannot know exactly what it is she is wanting IF she isn't willing to meet you half way.. IF she continues to be irratating on the phone, then tell her you need to get off the phone and when she is feeling calmer you would like to talk. Good Luck
SoleMate Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Is she too picky and not appreciative, or am i selfish and impatient? Well, let's not be that quick to slap labels on both of you. BTW, I don't think it's ever helpful to try to figure out who is "right" and "wrong" according to somebody else's standard. What really matters is that both of you find a way to resolve issues like this that respect both people's needs and desires. For this particular type of issue, here's how I would view it: Your needs (example - you need to make this list yourself): * To feel that your helpfulness is appreciated * To have your work schedule respected * To be able to stay at home and rest when you have the flu Her needs : * To feel that she can rely on you for practical assistance * To have your practical assistance be effective * To know that you will only agree to help when you can do so cheerfully Here's a better way to work it: HER: I would like you to help me pick up these chairs and table. YOU: How about on Wednesday? HER: I'm afraid they'll be sold out then. Is there any way we could do it on Tuesday? YOU: I was planning to work on job X then. But if you can call Target and have the set put aside for me, I can pick it up at 5 pm. HER: OK. YOU: If that doesn't work, could you just get them yourself in your minivan? That way you can go whenever you want and pick them out yourself. HER: You bastard!!! Well, maybe all except the last line. The difference here is that she only makes reasonable requests, and you only accept assignments that are also reasonable. You originally offered to help her, but it turned into an open-ended, difficult assignment with changing parameters. You didn't do a good job on it. She let you know that the job was not good. Now that you know her requirements to be demanding, just don't accept those difficult shopping assignments, where you not only do pickups with your truck, but you also do color selection, price comparisons, quality control, and aesthetic review. You just tell her, "Oh, I don't know if they'll have what you want. But if you come with and pick it out, sure honey, I will load it and haul it."
Fritz Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Oh for the love of God, run now. Are you her errand boy or boyfriend? Is she paying you? Mileage? Yeesh. Yup, you walked into this one but if her attitude doesn't spell out selfish twit, I don't know what does. So with that said.. when you find yourself in this place again *and for some odd reason I have the feeling you will doh!* BEFORE it gets to the point that you're feeling so pissed off and hang up on her.. tell her that you really tried, you didn't and don't mind helping her out when you can, but you cannot know exactly what it is she is wanting IF she isn't willing to meet you half way.. IF she continues to be irratating on the phone, then tell her you need to get off the phone and when she is feeling calmer you would like to talk. I agree, except I'd hangup anyway.
Recommended Posts