hkh8871 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 So I have been dating someone I really thought was special in my life since Dec 2012. So we have been together around 9 1/2 months at this point. In the beginning (first 5-6 months) he was amazing. He was the greatest guy I had ever met- attentive, compassionate, loving, affectionate…just literally an amazing person towards me. He would do things, even if he didn’t like them, just to make me happy and I did the same. We are a long distance couple and up until this recent time together, long distance was working out for us. we are both young (early twenties) and he is starting a great career and I’m studying in grad school in Europe while he lives in the USA…we do our own things when we are apart and I’m not needy when we are apart but my last five weeks in the USA (after being there for 3 months) have been awful. We have only been fighting because he doesn’t want to make the drive to where I live because there is “nothing to do there” and his “friends aren’t there” and he just wants me to come to him and do what he wants to do with him. Everytime I tried to stand up for myself or tell him that I don’t want to go to his place (because he still lives with his parents) it turned into a huge fight and would result in me nagging and us not seeing each other that weekend until Sunday when he’d drive down to me. Even when we are in the same country/state- we live an hour away from each other by car and it does make driving a bit of a task but lately it has become very one sided (me doing the most driving). I have had a very honest conversation with him about our problem for the past 5 weeks and we both had opposite expectations in what should have happened…we both recognized we made mistakes but I don’t think he realized that my biggest problem is the fact that he only wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it where he wants to do it and with whom he wants to do it. It seems as though he wants me in his life in all ways, but he wants me to be a part of ONLY his life- not that he wants to be a part of mine also. It is true that there is very little to do where I live and more where he lives but it’s just hurtful that he doesn’t see being with me as enough. Then, as a cherry on the sundae, the weekend I had to leave back to Europe we didn’t see each other even though he was supposed to take me to the airport. I left on a Saturday and on Friday I thought he would come over and then we’d go to the airport Saturday. Instead he didn’t come over on Friday, so I called a car service to take me on Saturday. Saturday morning he calls me and is appalled that I would get a car service, etc. etc. A huge fight breaks out and then instead of coming to see me at the airport (which he was at too because he was flying out at the same time for a weekend of fun) he just takes his time and even though I told him and I was waiting as long as I could before going through security…we didnt see each other. i was so hurt and so upset…we argued until the plane took off and didn’t speak for a few days. He sent me a text apologizing and saying he realized how much he hurt me and then later i sent him an email explaining my feelings and he answerred with the same apology as before. We spoke for a bit longer last night and it once again became a one sided discussion of him wanting his life to be more fluid and me to be more integrated with his friends and his life and his activities because I’m the one that comes there temporarily. He is coming to visit me in 20 days but i harbor such resentment against him because of the past few weeks. Even because of the talk we had- it is always about what HE wants, what HE is comfortable with, and it seems as though i can either conform to what he wants or we fight. It just seems as though he no longer cares or really wants to be with me unless it’s on his terms. When we are together he doesn’t do anything for me really. He just wants me there as a “figure” in his life but he doesn’t want to do anything for me- no more flowers or dates or anything and i want that back. I just don’t know what to do because a part of me loves him and cares for him and wants nothing more than to go back to how it was but the other part thinks that there is just way to much that has happened for me to be able to let go and fully care about someone with a mindset like that. I want to be made to feel special also and it is something i do for him but no longer something he does for me. I don’t even get good night or good morning texts or any interaction throughout the day- nothing. I've said I love you once but he hasn't yet. He calls me his love though. The whole situation is horrible and I don't know if it's worth it anymore. He claims he needs his life to be more fluid because I'm there for six months and gone for six months and he can't just be with me cause when I leave he is lost and his friends don't call him anymore. It's just difficult and since the talk we have not spoken. He has not texted or messaged me and it just hurts. He also always spoke about the reason we should try to stay together is how much we have invested already and it's never because he cares or I'm important to him. I'm afraid he is just doing this because he already bought his ticket to come visit me and it was $1000.
TMichaels Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 hkh8871, There's nothing wrong with "drawing a line in the sand." It's called setting boundaries and if you don't others will walk all over you. TBH, I don't think this guy is as into you as you are into him. He's treating you as an option and not as a priority. If I were you, I'd make one more attempt to tell him what it is you need and if he isn't willing to give it, then I'd tell him sayonara. Don't settle for bread crumbs and don't let him spoil the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that lies before you with your study abroad program. If his friends are so much more important to him than you give him what he wants so that you can find what it is you need -- elsewhere. Best, TMichaels 1
Author hkh8871 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Do you think it'd be a good idea to treat him as an option? To back off completely and let him think that I don't care if we talk or not? Maybe that would make him realize how he has been treating me?
TMichaels Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Do you think it'd be a good idea to treat him as an option? To back off completely and let him think that I don't care if we talk or not? Maybe that would make him realize how he has been treating me? It might wake him up, but why play those games? He's already showed you his true colors. Keep in mind leopards can't change their spots. Best, TMichaels
Tayla Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Like it or not the honeymoon stage of the relations is over. The stage you are definitely in the mist of is common. Its part of the foundation being grounded. He is pushing the boundaries and like it or not he knows no limit until you "act" upon some changes. He isn't going to change til he sees you change some simple things. (1) Re-direct his wants (2) Create a calm environment that allows you to convey your needs and desires. (3) Ask yourself if this is truly a conflict or if its really about imbalances of empowerment. We gain empowerment thru doing and sometimes remaining consistent. Sounds like the "he made me happy" is a red flag. Not that being happy by being around him is a bad thing, what is meant is that happiness is a by product...Get back to basics, the both of you. What works and what doesn't work needs to be recognized and re-arranged. Maybe he will always be a Social Friend and want to hang with others. Maybe you are more quiet and reserved...learn to compliment each others traits...You may find that you balance each other out. Its part of growing the relations....The resentment does need to be worked thru as its a bad seed to allow to grow. Replace it with understanding and a new plan of action. I am rooting for you to get thru this!
Author hkh8871 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Yes i understand that its nice that he wants me to be a part of his life but it seems like its just one way. He doesn’t want to be a part of my life. When i was with him we wouldnt do anything besides sit in his room with his parents around and watch tv. We didn’t DO anything- he claims its because all his friends were already doing something but he wouldn’t do things with me. Now that im gone he is going to football games and going boating and being so social and it makes me so angry. I have not contacted him except to answer his “hope you’re having a great day ” text yesterday. I feel as though i have so much resentment built up against him for what transpired between us and how he is only “happy” and social without me and with me he is grumpy and just wants to lay in bed. He doesnt not want me there but doesnt want to do anything. When we dont do anything i get blamed for keeping him from his friends. When i want him at my place we fight cause its boring and he knows no one. Its just like a big pile of contradictions that i cant get through or let go of. And yes i understand that coming to visit me in europe is both a massive financial burden as well as him having to miss 6 days of work during the busiest season when he really wasnt supposed to take time off. It is nice but its almost like because he doesnthis for me that he feels exempt from doing other things from me when i am in his home country. Like i "owe" him
Tayla Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 hkh, If the resentment is compounding then I sincerely think you are going to need to let the relationship go. He isn't validating your side of the relation and it sounds like at this point your building walls upon walls of negative energy. I doubt that you mean to ...its those little things that are building up and creating this. Would you be willing to express this to him and ask him to simply "delay" visiting. There is nothing written in stone that he has to come visit. Ticket or not, I do not see his visit to be a second chance. It would be world war three based solely on what is seeping out in your posting. Its ultimately between the two of you , and coming here for feedback or validation is okay . Just remember, you are setting the stage for what is to come...make it a good stage of adult resolution or dissolution.
Author hkh8871 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I’m looking for the strength or reasoning to stay because I’m in love with him and don’t have the strength to leave him. I truly want to have things between us get fixed. I wish we could postpone the trip but it is financially impossible as well as impossible since he shouldn't be taking off from work in the first place 1
hogwild Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Hi hkh8871! A big key to this is that he is young. If he's like most guys in their early 20's, his #1 life priority isn't a relationship. It's video games. Don't let him mistakenly choose fiddling with his controller over fiddling with you! If he's not experienced with grown-up relationships, you will need to be patient and communicate your needs very explicitly and in a way he can comprehend in his man-brain. I mean the dude hasn't even dropped an L-bomb on you after 9.5 months! He's struggling with what it means to be in love and how to actively love someone. Tell him straight up, "I don't feel special to you anymore. I don't feel loved. If you don't want to put forth the effort to make me feel loved, then I have nothing but nice memories and we have no future. That means I have to leave you even though it will hurt me because I care about you so much." Then tell him EXACTLY what things he can do to make you feel loved. Your list will include things like: - Good morning messages - flowers - dates - doing stuff together - massaging my feet while feeding me chocolate but please don't feed me chocolates with the hand you used to massage my feet Then ask him to make you a list of what YOU can do to make HIM feel loved. You might be surprised that some of the things you do are things that don't matter so much to him. He might value other things that you hadn't considered. Like rubbing his belly and scratching behind his ears while telling him he's a good boy. Oh wait, that's my doggy advice... If he's willing to consider your love needs AND he starts doing SOME of the things on your list... allow him to visit you to see how it goes. It's obviously a make-or-break visit for your relationship. Here's a youtube video I made called What is Love: I hope that helps you, too. - Hog
Author hkh8871 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 So to ask for more advice- he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven't really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is...and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn't log off...well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend...well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares...to which my boyfriend replied i don't want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies "next time you should say 'you guys should get back together'" and his friend responds with "will do" and then the conversation just went a different way!! i'm so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn't work...i thought he moved past her but obviously not.....and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with "aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city" to which his friend replies with "ohhh ok"..................this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here.......why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn't trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i'm at a loss. i don't know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me...its so confusing!!
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