unique1028 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Hi, I have a lot going on in my marriage considering my husband has been unfaithful in the past. He is in the navy and although his job is demanding, through everything I have Bern supportive and loving towards him. I show him lots of affection and try to do nice things for him. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and we are expecting our second. I'm 33 weeks along. Lately, I have notice a few things in regards to how guarded he is with his phone. He does have a pin code and said he needed one on it because of his job. I understand having one to protect personal information but its important to be open with your spouse about what the code is in my opinion. He is on his phone often unless I'm right by him and he has started to take it the bathroom with him when he showers and with the door locked. Well today I needed to use his phone and he was very uncomfortable with me using it. He asked me to go use the computer and when I searched for a baby item in the browser it showed "white women looking for black men". We are both light Brown black couple. I think women are beautiful no matter their race but I cldnt help but be turned off tht he was looking for women period. I also feel that now I'm not good enough because for one I'm not white. This is the first time I have seen this. When he saw that I noticed it he brushed it off like "girl please stop trippin". No.answers. to why or anything. I'm just so tired and I'm looking for any advice.
coolheadal Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 You already know what he's doing, but you are now concern that he was found out with the URL search item. So now you know what's he's doing on the computer and who's on the other end of the cell phone. He's started to be sneaky around you. Now you have baby girl with him and another child on it's way. So you need to sit down and talk to him. Don't let him brush you aside. Got to go in there with intent to find out does he really want you or does he want these other women? Starting to fool around or as been still doing it since the first time you knew of it. This matter should have been taken care of buy you. Can't give them second chances. They will never change. Right now you can't leave him you have child with him and one on it's way. So you going to have to deal with him on this subject. But don't push aside this is very important. The way he answered you is he's in a defensive move (panic) mode they don't want to be found out. He didn't clean-up his searching tracks. So now you have proof.
Author unique1028 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 I have been hurt more than once but to witness this bothers me. Seeking women online tells me in my mind he is looking for something else. The search wasnt on the computer it was the browser on his phone. I guess he didn't delete enough before he gave me his phone. I'm Just tired of the secretive acts. If he wldnt want me to act like that why is he doing it? I'm sure uf he saw white men looking for black women in my search bar he wld not like that.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I have been hurt more than once but to witness this bothers me. Seeking women online tells me in my mind he is looking for something else. The search wasnt on the computer it was the browser on his phone. I guess he didn't delete enough before he gave me his phone. I'm Just tired of the secretive acts. If he wldnt want me to act like that why is he doing it? I'm sure uf he saw white men looking for black women in my search bar he wld not like that. That's because he IS looking for something else. He is looking for other women. He didn't give you any explanations because, really, is an explanation necessary? It's obvious what he's up to. Even if you ask him why he's searching for other women, the answer he gives you is probably going to be complete BS. Your role in this is choosing how to react now. Demand some respect from the man. Do not allow him to dismiss your feelings and your concerns. Don't play second fiddle to whatever other woman (women?) he's got on the side. He either wants to stay married or he doesn't.
Quiet Storm Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 It sounds like he is searching craiglist and/or similar sites. He'll probably say he was "just looking", but I wouldn't trust that. There are lots of women willing to have casual sex these days. I bet you just found the tip of the iceberg. He probably wants to stay married to you, but seeks out casual sex for extra excitement. This is especially concerning since you are pregnant. If he is having sex outside the marriage, it puts you & your baby at risk. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this right now. However, I don't think that you should let it go.
2sunny Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 It's not that you aren't good enough. Stop lowering yourself to his low level of decency. It's that you aren't listening to your gut that he's a cheater and a liar. He's a dick and you know it. I wish you'd take action to change YOUR situation knowing you deserve better than that. Your kids deserve better too. 1
Author unique1028 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks everyone for your advice/opinions. I know what I need to do and I'm not going to allow him the satisfaction of dismissing the subject and not talking about it. This morning hewoke up for work and I didn't say much to him. I just can't fake like everything is fine when its not. He actually leaned in and gave me kiss. However, for me without explanation of everything its hard to be intimate in any way. Like he hasn't owned up to what I saw and its almost like he expects it to just be swept under the rug. I can't do that so when he comes home we will have to have a serious discussion.
2sunny Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks everyone for your advice/opinions. I know what I need to do and I'm not going to allow him the satisfaction of dismissing the subject and not talking about it. This morning hewoke up for work and I didn't say much to him. I just can't fake like everything is fine when its not. He actually leaned in and gave me kiss. However, for me without explanation of everything its hard to be intimate in any way. Like he hasn't owned up to what I saw and its almost like he expects it to just be swept under the rug. I can't do that so when he comes home we will have to have a serious discussion. Have a plan FOR YOUR best interest - for IF he admits - and another plan for IF he doesn't!
Author unique1028 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks 2sunny. We will be married 4 years next month and after going through some things I just feel like now is the time I do what is best for me. At the end of the day if I don't look after myself who will? I deserve more. I never been unfaithful and I'm a damn good wife and mother.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Service men?....welp! *packs up bags and whistles out the door*
Author unique1028 Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Thanks for your response seethingandsmiling. Just to update, we had a talk a few days ago and he basically said he was curious but the particular search was from. A while ago back when he just got out of boot camp. I told him either way he is married so I still.don't understand the need to search for women period. He apologized but I didn't feel it was sincere cause he said he didn't see why he wld cause he didn't do anything... :-/ anyway he gave me his code to his phone. However. I have discovered a whole other problem which I figured. He watches porn....and I mean a lot. He has over 155 downloaded on his phone....
Outsider77 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 He's been unfaithful to you in the past. It seems to me he lacks morals or is able to push them aside to do what he wants. People who aren't going to be faithful shouldn't make commitments that they can't keep. This does not sound good to me. I do not see this relationship working out for you. He does not have the character that is required of a committed, honest relationship. I think you are just going to be hurt in the end. I would not believe a word he says. I don't buy the crap about just being curious. He wouldn't be curious if he was satisfied with you. He is probably not a man that is happy with just one woman. Some men are also not able to deal with a woman being a mother and a lover. They lose interest once she gets pregnant. I have had this experience.
Author unique1028 Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Hi outsider77, I believe it was more than curious just the fact he has porn downloaded on his phone. It's over 150 vids. I'm a beautiful woman. I'm smart, very loving wife and mom. I have a shape he likes. I'm petite with big breast but I have gained close to 20 lbs this pregnancy . I guess I'd rather my husband desire me only. The porn was mainly black women with big a**ess concerned he has an addiction or tht maybe his character is not a match anymore. He wasn't like this in the beginning. Edited October 12, 2013 by unique1028
Outsider77 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 He wasn't like this in the beginning. He probably was like that, you just didn't know it. Many people put on a big show in the beginning of a relationship because they want to "catch" the other person. Then when things settle down, they show who they really are. I don't think porn by itself is a big deal, but that amount seems excessive. Especially combined with the search you found on his phone, and the fact that he has cheated. I would just be really aware of everything that is going on, because you don't want to think everything is working out and then be blindsided a couple years from now. Just really pay attention so you don't miss any warning signs. And I'm sure it has nothing to do with you, 20 lbs in pregnancy is very average.
Author unique1028 Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Hi experiencethedevine. Thanks for your input on this. I feel that for me its unacceptable because its feeding more into lust and other women. Especially since he has been unfaithful before. He doesn't know that I know how much is downloaded on his phone. I want to discuss it but I don't know how to approach this topic without making him feel like I'm attacking him. I just feel it is an addiction. How did you overcome this?
ChasingCars Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 "I also feel that now I'm not good enough because for one I'm not white." IMHO: I'm a white blonde...I bet if he was married to me he would be searching for a brunette or red head or asian or dun dun dunnnnn...a hot black woman. Just my .02. Take care of you and your children now; you know what's up.
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