My husband suddenly wants kids and I don't

[WhiteDove9]

We met in our early 20's and weren't interested in kids. He was ok with this but that said maybe one day it might kick in and I'll change my mind (other people told me that too). Then we got married 5 years ago and ever since March of this year he has been suddenly demanding for kids.

 

I'm now 30 years old and haven't change my opinion. I don't want to ever have kids and things haven't been the same since.

 

I'm concerned about these past weeks. He's been saying that he might file for divorce. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want kids. This really shocked me when he said that word. Seriously. He sounded serious and we haven't been having sex too much lately.

Edited October 8, 2013 by WhiteDove9

[coolheadal]

Well his intent is to have kids with or without you. This is serious if he going to push for divorce to get his way. Your intent should be respected as you clearly stated you do not want to have kids. But you see things have changed and he wants kids. Is there more to this story you haven't been clear to us here on. Seems for him to push or threat to have kids now or else? This sounds fishy? What's really going on between you to?

[WhiteDove9]

I don't know what happened to him. When we got married, we both didn't want kids.

 

I want him back, the way he was before. I can't explain why that sudden change. I really didn't see this coming. We've been doing great with our marriage but like mentioned things started changing ever since he mentioned about wanting kids.

[tinktronik]

Oh boy. This is a non-negotiable game changer. You and H lives just went in completely different directions. You cannot have him back the way he was before, and you should not have kids you don't want to have. He also shouldn't have to live without children if it's something he wants in life.

[WhiteDove9]

Oh boy. This is a non-negotiable game changer. You and H lives just went in completely different directions. You cannot have him back the way he was before, and you should not have kids you don't want to have. He also shouldn't have to live without children if it's something he wants in life.

So I guess this means my marriage is over.

[whichwayisup]

We met in our early 20's and weren't interested in kids. He was ok with this but that said maybe one day it might kick in and I'll change my mind (other people told me that too). Then we got married 5 years ago and ever since March of this year he has been suddenly demanding for kids.

 

I'm now 30 years old and haven't change my opinion. I don't want to ever have kids and things haven't been the same since.

 

I'm concerned about these past weeks. He's been saying that he might file for divorce. I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want kids. This really shocked me when he said that word. Seriously. He sounded serious and we haven't been having sex too much lately.

 

If you really do not want to have children then allow him the divorce. He wants kids and I think he was hoping one day you'd change your mind. You haven't and now he is ready to be a dad and start a family.

 

Sorry that you two are going through this.

[coolheadal]

I don't know what happened to him. When we got married, we both didn't want kids.

 

I want him back, the way he was before. I can't explain why that sudden change. I really didn't see this coming. We've been doing great with our marriage but like mentioned things started changing ever since he mentioned about wanting kids.

 

Is there a reason why you don't want to have kids? Have you asked him why all of sudden he wants kids? I know this girl who told me she didn't want kids nor get married. But the guy she's lives with wants kids and to get married. I told her she needed to come clean and tell him before it's to serious between them. But your case is different you two had the intent not to have kids and I am sure he told you why or you told him. But years past your in your 30s so he must have changed his mine because of ? This is what you need to find out why? If you gave into him that would save your marriage, but you do not want kids so and he does and now divorce looms over both of you.

[whichwayisup]

So I guess this means my marriage is over.

 

Unfortunately and sadly, yes it is.

 

This is a real black and white issue. You DO NOT want kids and he does. There isn't a compromise here, it's unfair to both of you if you stay married. You'll resent him and possibly your kids one day and if stays and there are no kids, he'll resent you one day.

[Grumpybutfun]

WhiteDove9:

My wife also didn't want to have kids and I told her I wanted her regardless. She was very clear that she wouldn't change her mind and I accepted the adventure without the kids (very glad of it in hindsight.) Even the times when I had the desire to have children, I never though..."hmm, I think I will just start over with someone who wants a baby."

I cannot imagine just throwing away my marriage and my wife after knowing that she may not want kids because I suddenly decided I now wanted them. My wife is the most precious thing in the world to me so losing her by having a child wouldn't even enter my mind.

Are you sure something else isn't going on? Is he having a mid-life crisis? Is he having an affair and this is a ruse to get single? Is your sex life okay? is your home life happy? Are you paying sufficient attention to each other and working on your marriage everyday? Are your finances okay?

It is beyond me to think that someone would throw away their wife because of a decision that he knew about years ago. Have you considered that he is mentioning divorce as a manipulative tool to get you to have children? Is he that type of man? If that is his deal breaker, go with it because you do not want to bring an innocent baby into this world unless you both want it with all of your heart and soul.

You two need to see a marriage counselor to talk this through with a mediator. If he will not go see one then he is just wanting out of the marriage for other reasons.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[WhiteDove9]

He started changing ever since talking to some of his friends from work that have kids. He said every time he now sees a child smiling or playing, he imagines it was him taking his kid for a ride.

 

He has stated how it's time to start a family and how he isn't getting any younger.

[Solcita2]

I have a couple of friends. Everybody who knew them imagined they would have thousand of kids... he always loved children and he was great with children in his life. He was very sure he wanted to be a dad asap.

In the other hand, she never said no to kids, but she wasn't as excited as he was about the idea... we just thought he was more open about his feelings than her.

They were in a relationship for almost 10 years, then got married... the first 3 years of their marriage wasn't easy because he was sent abroad... she got sick, he came back and blah blah blah... after she overcame her sickness he started talking about having kids... she said she would try...

 

HOWEVER, she confessed us (those are the type of things we don't wanna know) she wasn't really trying and she was taking the pill without him knowing... she confessed to us (remember they were together for mroe than 15 years by this time) she really NEVER wanted kids and she always thought she might feel it "someday"...

We urged her to be honest with him (nobody ever believed he would leave her after so long) but she was really afraid of him walking away... so for the next 3 years she kept taking the pill behind his back... they even went to a fertility doctor...

 

So... how does the story end?

They're still together. He never found out the truth, and althought they love each other very much they are very unhappy people. She feels unhappy for being lying to him and for not giving him what he wanted, and he feels not only unhappy for not having children but for "making her go through all the process of trying to get pregnant..." (He felt he might make her feel she wasn't enough... and obviously she felt guilty).

 

Sometimes I wished she would just leave him... or at least come clean so he can make the decision himself.

She did get what she wanted thought, a childless marriage... but the guilt is very big...

 

I think going to counseling is the best advice you could get... hope it gets better!

[TaraMaiden]

So I guess this means my marriage is over.

 

Yup.

As whichwayisup says, sadly, if neither of you can budge (and there is ABSOLUTELY no reason WHATSOEVER that either of you should capitulate,(Compromise is out of the question: There is no such thing as 'compromise' in this matter) for one another.

 

Children/no children is a deal-breaker.

[dichotomy]

" He was ok with this but that said maybe one day it might kick in and I'll change my mind"

I think he was actually hoping or counting on this. Maybe he did want them or was on the fence - and not really against it. He loved you and wanted you, and kind of put these minor feelings or needs aside until it grew. Time has a way of affecting men just like it does women about wanting kids - but for different reasons. I think women want the nurturing part of having kids and the love. I think men it’s about (at a gut level) continuing the family name and dna line.

 

Do what my first wife did (in small part) ....recognize this need for kids will get stronger with him and you will need to let him go.

Edited October 8, 2013 by dichotomy

[ExpatInItaly]

" He was ok with this but that said maybe one day it might kick in and I'll change my mind"

I think he was actually hoping or counting on this. Maybe he did want them or was on the fence - and not really against it. He loved you and wanted you, and kind of put these minor feelings or needs aside until it grew. Time has a way of affecting men just like it does women about wanting kids - but for different reasons. I think women want the nurturing part of having kids and the love. I think men it’s about (at a gut level) continuing the family name and dna line.

 

Do what my first wife did (in small part) ....recognize this need for kids will get stronger with him and you will need to let him go.

 

Exactly my thoughts. It sounds like he wanted children all along but tried to minimize that desire (or maybe even denied it to himself) in hopes that you would change your stance on this.

 

I have to agree with the others. This is a huge turning point and there may not be a way to come back from that. Not having children when you want them (or vice versa...) is going to breed resentment and unhappiness. You need to lay it all out for him, and hear everything he has to say too. It might be time to part ways. Good luck to you, OP. Stay strong.

[rolo99]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like your husband thought you'd change your mind and suddenly get a case of "baby rabies", but you probably won't. I got married when I was 30 (husband's 2nd) with both of us agreeing that we don't want kids. We took a lot of flack for it, and lost a few friends to parenting along the way. I'm 44 now and still don't want kids, nor do I ever regret my decision. In fact, I celebrate each birthday as decreasing fertility.

 

My husband left me 6 mos ago and our divorce was final July 29. I was blindsided and even asked him at one point, "does this have anything to do with us not having kids?" He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "No, why would you even ask that?" I told him since he had become someone I didn't know, I wasn't sure about anything.

 

I guess my advice to you is not to compromise or you will regret it. Divorce sucks, but having a child that you don't want will suck worse, and is not fair to the child.

 

And fyi....lots of men have the romantic idea of what parenting is like because they only see the fun parts. Let him have a baby or toddler to to take care of for 24 hours, and I bet he'll rethink the desire to be a parent.

[Sparty97]

I don't believe that this means your marriage is over. However, I do agree with coolheadal that it is important to explore with your husband what's led him to change his position on kids. I'd encourage you to approach him with the intent to simply listen and understand him, and resisting the temptation to restate your position on the matter or even the history of this issue in your relationship.

 

You've been together a long time and your marriage is too valuable to simply discard. Perhaps you and your husband can talk to a marriage counselor about the issue? Sometimes a third-party can offer new directions and perspectives.

 

 

There are really only two directions on this. Kids or no kids.

[TaraMaiden]

There are really only two directions on this. Kids or no kids.

 

Yup.

 

Her husband never actually changed his position on kids.

he wanted her to.

He actually never probably said "I never want kids, ever."

In your early 20's, it's not rare to not be 'really interested in kids'....

 

It really doesn't matter how much she tries to 'understand him'. It's irrelevant.

He wants kids, and assumed early on that she would change her mind.

What else is there to understand?

 

He was wrong.

 

Like I said: This is a non-negotiable, no-compromise situation.

A Counsellor will do nothing.

It's like asking someone who's always been gay to consider heterosexuality.

Or someone from Trinidad to try being from Sweden.

 

You cannot change, or force a change in someone's intrinsic core.

Capitulation is the last thing she should ever consider.

This, tragically, is a no-brainer.

 

Tragic, because to be frank, he really should have been more honest and direct about his original feelings on the matter.

And she should have decidedly emphasised hers.

 

This is one of the factors we got couples to really, really discuss in pre-marital workshops I ran, with a relationship organisation.

 

And I know of 2 weddings cancelled over this precise matter.

[pink_sugar]

What do you feel more strongly about: not having kids or not getting a divorce? Don't ever have kids just to keep a relationship.

[pteromom]

Before you just write off your marriage, you guys should do an exercise.

 

You write down everything you can think of that is a positive for NOT having kids. What your life will be like all the way through. The things you'll experience together.

 

Then write down everything you can think of that is a negative for having kids. All your fears and worries. The hardships you'd go through.

 

At the same time, he should write down everything he can think of that is a positive for having kids. What life will be like now, at 40, at 50, at 60, etc. And he should write down everything he can think of that is a negative for NOT having kids.

 

Then, take your lists, and talk through every scenario. Imagine that you made the choice to have kids. Talk about all your positives and negatives as if they are part of your life, and "try it on".

 

Then imagine you made the choice to never have kids. Try on THAT life.

 

Maybe one of you will feel yourself changing your mind or opening yourself to other possibilities.

 

Here's the thing though - you have to do this completely non-emotionally and remember that the goal isn't to defend your position, but to try on possibilities.

 

It's very likely that both of your stances are based in emotion and not reality. Like you may have some pre-conceived notions about what parenthood is like that are based on other people and may not have anything to do with YOU as a couple. And he may have baby fever after being around his friends and may not be thinking about the realities of parenthood.

 

See if you can get on the same page.

 

If not - well, it's not fair to either of you to concede.

[crederer]

You're married and took a vow to be together no matter what. This isn;t a divorce kind of scenario.

 

You were clear you didn't want kids. He accepted. The reasoning behind it is important. Is it that you don't want kids or that you don't want to be pregnant? Big difference.

[Sparty97]

You're married and took a vow to be together no matter what. This isn;t a divorce kind of scenario.

 

You were clear you didn't want kids. He accepted. The reasoning behind it is important. Is it that you don't want kids or that you don't want to be pregnant? Big difference.

 

 

Actually this is precisely a divorce scenario. If he really wants kids and she really doesn't this can be a deal breaker.

[man_in_the_box]

Slightly off-topic but how common is this sudden turnaround from no-kids to kids actually (for women, men or both)?

[TaraMaiden]

If a person is serious about not wanting kids - the turn-around is zero.

Unless guilt/coercion have their day.

Then it's reluctant conception.

[TaraMaiden]

You didn't read my reply properly.

The first line in particular.

 

If a person is serious about not wanting kids.

 

I was serious about wanting 2.

I was equally serious, after daughter #2 that I never, ever, EVER wanted to be pregnant, ever again.

In spite of around 6 subsequent years of constant in-Law and spousal pressure to get me to change my mind (they SOOOO wanted me to have a little boy to carry on the family name....fer chrissakes!!) I knew, for sure for sure, that they would never have their way.

Why?

because I was serious about not wanting (more) kids.

 

People who have reversals were obviously not as serious as they thought they were.

Had they been, then trust me, they would have remained childless.

 

the people who are more likely to change their mind are the ones who aren't strong in their own feelings of never having kids

 

You make my point exactly.

[stillafool]

OP I feel sorry for you. Your husband should have been honest about the way he felt regarding kids rather than spring this on you when he knew from the get-go that you didn't want them. To divorce you over this is even more unfair when he is the one who changed. (((Hugs))). You're going to have to let him go.