To call or not to call

[Groovy]

This guy I dated for a few months just called and dumped me. I am not too upset as it was too short in time to evolve into much. But I will say this, I think he's afraid of being hurt and this is why he dumped me. We had just started to share and something embarassing happened in front of me. I have heard people tell me they think it's this.

 

I believe he will later regret it. I maybe wrong. I'm 32 and he's 40. I don't feel like a super long post so I'll just say that.

 

In his message he has a strange panicky tone, he said he's "touching base with me....don't wait around for plans if I have any of my own to take care of......said he's not looking for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing and just wants to stay friends.....I hope that's O.K......ummm, we'll talk later". I knew something was weird because he has been calling me at times he knows I am not home this week, and I saw through it he was avoiding me and setting me aside without breaking it off.

 

Now I know I'm dumped. I can either call and be friendly and say "If we feel different about what we want than it's good we talked" or do nothing at all.

 

Please understand I am not expecting him to come back. We have some of the same friends so I may see him one day. I just want us to be able to talk again with a group of friends and if he did regret a choice to be able to let me know layer. What would establish those chances better? It would be good to hear from guys....

[ntovrhm]

That's tough. It's only been a few months, but sometimes people are scared to break up with someone because of hurting their feelings. Doesn't really matter whether it's something with him or with you that made him break up with you? He may regret it if the only reason he is breaking up with you because he embarrassed about something that happened. . . .But . . .

 

If that is the case, then there probably isn't something that you can do about it, just by knowing him only a few months. The only thing you can do is be cordial and relaxed when you do run into him again.

 

If he didn't leave a message asking for you to call him back, then he is afraid to address the issue, and your best bet is to let it go. Maybe he will open up sometime in the future, or maybe not, but perhaps you she just let him fade away like he wants to.

 

I'm not a guy, but just giving you my two cents for what it is worth.

[moon]

If you do decide to call him back, can you e-mail instead or write a letter. I know those calls when you are dealing with a break up. The bumpee tends to try to talk the other person out of it and usually (thus the reason for the break up) the dumper has already made up their mind.

 

If you are going to acknoledge his call, I'd do it in the least aggresive way possible. Preferably one with zero face contact. I know. I have been dumped before and there tends to be tears or cohertion on the part of the dumpee. I'd just take it for what it is. Low and behold another man (or women for that matter) is afraid of commitment. There is no way to talk somebody out of that because the shear pressure from you to stay together will work in the opposite affect for him........it'll probably make him more fearful.

 

Good luck.

[Groovy]

I realized what I needed was to not feel like manipulated used garbage. It didn't matter how a phone call appeared to him, what mattered is my closure.

 

So I called and expected to leave a message, because he is a whimp and cannot pick the phone up for a break up. It was a 2 minute message and I said.....

 

"I wish you had told me these things before we were together. I guess if you feel were just friends than it's good we not date. I never thought you were my boyfriend after 6 weeks but I was hoping to have something meaningful at some point but it sounds like your not looking for something meaningful.

 

I don’t like you leaving me a message that you want to be just friends, you could have had an adult conversation with me. Especially when you say your so honest and don’t like games. It hasn't felt that way to me.

 

I don’t hate you, I am just irritated. The past week you have only called when you know I am at work or asleep. I am not expecting you to return my message for a conversation, though I’d like for you to."

 

So either he won't call and I have shown my negativities in a light of truth or he will call and I can feel more respected.

[scoping]

just wanted to say that i think you dealt with it the best possible way.

I personally always think its best to deal with the situation and make that call.. because i hate wondering, what if...

 

you were completely clear and b/c you were able to get some of the negatives out into the message as well, that in a sense is your closure... you've let him know that he dealt with it in an immature way, and now its in his hands if he wants to be a man and actually deal with it.... you can let go knowing you were mature in the situation

[Groovy]

Thanks, I needed some self assurance I did the right thing. I tried not to be confrontational or calling just to blame. He never called me back. I guess rather than be sad I should be happy the trash is not in my life!

 

Of course though the choice of having the garbage there or not is not the options we want. We want that date that continues to treat us well and make us feel special. C'est la vie......

[alphamale]

don't call and don't remain friends is my only advice

[Groovy]

Alphamale, I did call before you even posted. But I agree, it's best not to remain friends. It's more hassle than it's worth! Especially when he left things the way they did.

 

One women in another post said she'd rather stab her eyes out then see or speak the guy who slept with her and dumped her. I personally like to give that call and move on. The call was about giving myself closure and has nothing to do with anyone else but me.

[helena abadi]

Alphamale, good blunt advice ... mostly as usual ...! Some people can be friends, some can't. I can't. I just want to leave the pain behind. But believe it or not, my mother and my stepmother became reasonably good friends some years after my father remarried. How they managed it, I'll never know. My mother was incredibly bitter after my father left her, even tho the marriage had been dead for a decade. I agree with your comments on the bitch book in another thread. Asking a woman not to hang around the phone when she's interested in a guy is impossible.

[Groovy]

What thread is that?

[helena abadi]

A thread dicussing that dating book He's Just Not Into You, which led to discussion about a book telling girls how to turn from doormats into bitches. Or something like that. Sorry, Groovy, can't remember the name of it.

 

To anyone reading this agonizing over calling your ex etc, please read Lost Guide to No Contact V3 on yet another thread, easily found with a search. I am following what he wrote, and it WORKS. The guy is the guru of No Contact! Anyone on this forum going going thru relationship trauma will benefit from this. I guess he's over 25, so what he's saying will have less impact on younger people.

[KaiaMahina]

Groovy, I just wanted to say that I'm impressed with your sense of self-respect and your dignified restraint in handling the situation with a childish 40-year-old who didn't have the common decency to speak to you face-to-face, or at least speak "live" to you via telephone instead of leaving a message.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with calmly and respectfully expressing your disappointment and anger at being treated poorly. If people are going to behave like children, they should be chastised like children. He obviously snuck around like a skunk in a landfill looking for a greasy little opportunity to unload you with a minimum of embarassment or confrontational angst for himself.

 

Probably been doing this for years. You may be the first woman who didn't either remain silent, or call him and rant like a crazy person. It may impress on him the fact that a dignified and rational woman let him know he's behaved shamefully. But I wouldn't bet on it.

 

The real coup is that you stood up for yourself. You recognized that there was nothing wrong with you, and you also recognized that you deserved to be treated with some common decency. If you hadn't made this call, you may have spent weeks or months stewing with resentment and outrage. Good for you!

 

As for the book everyone is discussing, I've heard about it and know the gist of its message and it sounds like good solid common sense. However, I'm reading (very slowly and carefully, with great thought) a book entitled, "Ask and It Is Given."

 

At first glance it's one of those spacey New-Agey books (not that I have anything against New Age when it reiterates ancient wisdom) -- I mean, it's supposedly "channeled" by this spirit guide or something. But it says basically, but more specifically, what many other books have been saying since the 1920s: that you attract into your experience the circumstances and people corresponding to your emotional state and the thoughts that you indulge in on a daily basis. There are books which range from this end of the spectrum all the way up to physics, explaining that these are hard and fast universal laws which can be used to your advantage. The book gives you tools with which you can change your predominant "vibration" and start attracting what you want instead of what you don't want.

 

Which means that you can just as easily attract someone who's "into you" as someone who's "not that into you". Hey, I literally have nothing to lose by trying it!

[Groovy]

Thank you! I have realized I am not too angry or sad as some people may be in this circumstance. I think a 40 year old man who lies for a few weeks on end until he gets laid and slithers away quietly and afraid is pathetic. Especially when he premature ejaculates and it lasts 4 minutes! All those dinners he paid for and all the time we spent and that's it!!!

 

So, no anger at the losses of someone who has nothing to offer emotionally or physically. He told me we were exclusive, he called me all the time and told me he had a lot of feeling for me and really liked me alot. He told me all he wanted was honesty and no games in a relationship. I have not had sex is a year and it felt like it that night. I guess the 3 or 4 minute session was for the best. I get sick enough just thinking about those few minutes.

 

The co-worker who set us up knows me, but not really well. And I guess I took more faith in this guy because she has known him for over 10 years.

 

What I feel is more humilated than angry. A co-worker set us up and she knows what happened. What side is she hearing? I wonder what side she is on or who in my company knows I got laid and dumped.

 

But I have no reason to feel embarassed so I need to stop feeling humilated. I am free of lies, I didn't jump in bed on the first date or anything. Though maybe could have waited a little longer. And my toold didn't stop working in the middle of it all.

 

The co-worker has little to say about her friends behavior and I am just as dissapointed by her. She has my number and if it were me who set two people up and this happend, I'd be calling her. her eyes seem deaf to any feelings I have. I'd be embarassed I have a friend that does that to woman ay my age. I guess all that matters is I know right and wrong and know I was not the one to stray the wrong way. They can stay the hell out of my life anytime. Thanks for the favor.

 

Thanks

[Groovy]

I have realized I am not angry. I think a 40 year old man who lies for a few weeks on end until he gets laid and slithers away afraid is pathetic. He premature ejaculated and it lasted 4 minutes! All those dinners he paid for and all the time we spent and that's it!!!

 

So, no anger at the losses of someone who has nothing to offer emotionally or physically. He told me we were exclusive, he called me all the time and told me he had a lot of feeling for me and really liked me alot. He said all he wanted was honesty and no games in a relationship. I have not had sex is a year and it felt like it that night. I guess the 3 or 4 minute session was for the best. I get sick enough just thinking about those few minutes. After that he was excited we had got to that point and he hugged me for an hour.

 

What I feel is humilated, not angry. A co-worker set us up and she knows what happened. She knows me, but not really well. I took more faith in this guy because she has known him for over 10 years What side is she hearing and what side is she on? I wonder who knows I got laid and dumped.

 

But I have no reason to feel embarassed so I need to stop feeling humilated. I am free of lies, I didn't jump in bed on the first date or anything. Though maybe could have waited a little longer. And it's not my body that stopped working.

 

The co-worker has little to say about her friends behavior and I am just as dissapointed by her. She has my number and if it were me who set two people up and this happend, I'd be calling her. Her ears seem deaf to any feelings I have. I'd be embarassed if I have a friend that does that to any woman at my age. I guess all that matters is I know right and wrong and know I was not the one to stray the wrong way. They can stay the hell out of my life anytime. Thanks for the favor. I have plenty of cool people as friends to be with......

 

Thanks

[KaiaMahina]

Groovy, I've been there.

 

And let me tell you, if a man is going to go to those lengths to lie and connive his way into a woman's bed, he sure as hell has an obligation to make it worth her while!

 

But look at it this way: sure it's humiliating. But if he had been fantastic in bed and then dumped you, you'd be far worse off. At least this way you know you ain't missin' a doggone thang!

 

Let the chips fall where they may. People can think anything they want. In a year, they won't even remember. They'll be thinking and talking about someone else.

 

I think you're a classy woman and one day will find a truly worthwhile man.

[helena abadi]

Groovy, you have indeed been thru a humiliating experience, but you deserve a whole lot better. if he was that lousy in bed, get some revenge and tell a few people so it filters back to him! sounds as tho you are taking all the crap, coz you feel embarrassed about the whole thing anyway, and other people are getting off too lightly. a little pay back ain't a bad thing. sometimes it does help closure. and the way he broke up was so spineless. sounds, all round, like he's not strong enough to be anyone's man.

[Groovy]

I told his friend who set me up first thing he had no balls. And I said he wasn't good in bed either, that he lasted 3 or 4 minutes. And I gave my christmas gift to her to keep. I told her lots of opinion. And she told him he was a pig for me and she thought she knew him and was surprised at his behavior.

 

I was invited to a work party last night. You'd think I worked for a crack a dealer but I work for a large company in a logistics job.......

 

The people have no way to judge me and it had to be all in my head. There were 3 strippers and there was hot wax from candles on the strippers chests, breasts fondled, the strippers licking people, hard well hung you know whats being handled and jerked by 15 people of so.

 

My friend drove me and I had to drink too much to get comfortable where I was. I never knew what I was getting into. I have a hangover now I don't think I'll go again.

 

I felt like a sinner being there and went home to take a hot shower and rid myself of everything gross that touched me. But I realized I had to let go of feeling judged. Because a lot of those people were at this party and they were married. I guess I was feeling defensive and didn't really know my co-workers. I doubt they'll be judging me!!!! I can see why they may not understand.

 

I did have a cute guy I've known a while call me last me night. I guess I need to join a sports league or a church group. And not drink so much in one night. Ughhh......

[ConfusedInOC]

Whatever you do, don't call. Read the Guide to No Contact V3. It really worked for me.

[helena abadi]

Dear Groovy,

 

What an ugly bunch of hedonists your workmates are. And some of them were married doing this stuff? Ugh! Your episode doesn't even rate as a blip on their radar.

 

Definitely look for alternative social activities! Sport is great for body, mind and soul.