degearea Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 It's just amazing how powerful your mind is... In the throes of love/withdrawl/codependency you can justify and rationalize just about any behavior exhibited by someone that was once in your life: 1) Drinking to Excess - She needed to decompress. It's in her genes and not her fault. Her friends always do it socially. It's expected as a part of her job. 2) Infidelitiy/Deception/Lies - I wasnt paying enough attention to her. I took her for granted. I neglected our relationship. 3) Abuse - I started it. I deserve it. I was too controlling and bossy. These are extremely negative actions that we're speaking of. They are overt, cruel, and without conscience. Nothing justifies these. Nothing. If another person other than your ex pulled this on you, you'd walk away. You would. Unless they were family or a best friend, you wouldn't put up with it. Even in those cases you'd be more likely to say this isn't right and you can't treat me this way if you want me to stick around. I'm wearing rose colored glasses and standing next to denial, not a river in egypt by the way. 3
travelonic Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 This thread reminded me of something - and that is when dumpees want to understand what happens, only - by some people here - to be blown off as rationalizing their ex's actions. what the OP typed - listed with each situation, IMO, is rationalization. The situation, reasoning listed, IMO is rationalizing. What I've noticed gets dismissed as such rationalizing, like figuring out if it is immaturity from something lie GIGS, an emotional affair, or something else is not, and I wish those people would understand the difference... mainly since it is an elementary concept. 1
Author degearea Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Abuse is a hard one. You get you used to it. Complacent. You have a couple good weeks and then WHAM!... you're getting yelled at again, called horrible names, mortally insulted in your weak spots which only your 'loved one" is privy too. If you're lucky and they remember it, you might get a few "sorrys" and you give them another chance...and WHAM!!!! Unless that moment of abuse is fresh in your mind I think we have a natural tendency to cast it off or repress it after the fact. I kept a sort of log on my phone of when my girlfriend was cruel and completely out of order. Its really startling. I even took her back at one point and when looking at the notes before I noticed myself saying NOT to take her back and that the pattern of abuse would happen again... It did. Completely. Chased out of my home several times, screaming fights, name calling, drunken slurred words of hate, my dog hiding in the closet as we got into it. We only lasted 6 months this time... I just couldn't do it. It's hard now. My house is empty since she had most of the furniture. I'm emotionally drained and missing her. Crazy to say that when reading the above, but I'm a codependent first and foremost. I've blocked her on FB. She's moved in with another dude already as I've mentioned in previous posts. Getting replaced so fast is another tough one. I'm seeing someone else right now as well to cushion the blow. She's sweet and kind, but she's got three kids and doesn't want a serious relationship either. It's a rebound thing and we both know it. This helps. The No Contact thing is... well, not really that hard. I just reread my "journal" I really want a kid. I do. My ex probably would have been a halfway decent mother at first when the kids cute, but I'm fairly certain her drinking and abusiveness would have raised their ugly heads eventually as the kid got older. I made a decision that I'd rather be alone than with someone who hurt me... one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thanks yet again for allowing me to vent. I also realize their are some very aggressive people on these discussion boards. To them I say "You're no better or worse than anyone on here. If you don't have anything nice to say..." 3
Beautiful diamond Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Good you aren't tolerating abuse. You might want to consider taking a break from dating, abuse can effect you in ways unseen. 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 What a beautiful post, Degearea. I applaud your attitude and fortitude. I was married to an alcoholic, I am in recovery from codependency. I feel you 100%. Thanks for carrying the message of health and hope. 1
Author degearea Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks for that... It's hard. I really do miss her... so much... but I don't miss the abuse. Every two weeks like clockwork I'd get ripped to shreds... You can't live like that. A friend of mine brought up a very good point. When you've being abused on a near constant basis you're constantly seeking a level of validation you're never going to get. No good deed goes unpunished as they say. Sometimes I think she began to understood that she was driving me away and I think a part of her really wanted to change to give us another chance... but I know deep down that this behavior is fully ingrained within her personality. When on one of her rants she would scream "How dare you!" and other lines over and over again as if it were a part of some script that she'd read countless times before to me and in past relationships. In truth it always reminded me of her mother who is extremely narcissistic and self-entitled. Eerily similar and scary, as her mother is a woman without any redeeming qualities whatsover and is pretty much loathed by her family. This was never going to change without heavy therapy... and a will to quite or at least greatly reduce her drinking. The threat of another tirade would always have been hanging over my shoulder as I literally count the amount of drinks she's had... God... 1
Author degearea Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) Wow. Just amazing. I've been looking through my journal regarding my ex and her drinking and MAN it is illuminating. This morning I caught myself wanting to send an e-mail via facebook to a mutual friend to talk more about her... but then I saw the previous conversations... brutal. They're all about her drinking and me wanting to end it... going back 3 years! Oh man. I'd forgotten about some of these: Going out with the guys, letting her know, and still getting ripped apart when I got home with malicious drunken voicemails saying we're breaking up... Fixing her computer while sick and still getting drunkenly yelled at... Getting wasted at my Dad's house on Christmas, embarassing me, and falling down to the ground in a puddle of tears... Getting trashed in Mexico and having her scream out MeCABO! the whole way back to our hotel room where she tried to have a physical brawl with me... Woof... I can't believe I forgot some of these. Unreal how your mind just pushes these aside in favor of good times. She's with a new guy now. Moved in and everything. Mentioned she was coming over with beers this week and that we should hang out. I haven't heard from her, but even if she calls I'm going to ignore it and really stick to a No Contact rule going forward. Nothing is going to change. NOTHING. She's incapable of having just one or two drinks. Her Dad even brought over a box of booze every Thursday. Those incidents I mention above are part of a vast collection of drunken abuse. She will never change. Not for me or anyone else. Even if they are in the honeymoon phase now, it will surface for this new guy as well. We had one after all where every thing was just grand... and that's why its a honeymoon phase. Dodging bullets. Thanks Barky. You put it well. I just need to stop loading the gun. All my past girlfriends of the past 10 years have been like this. Hot messes. Can't do this anymore. Need a credit rating, references from ex-boyfriends, blood samples and bank account numbers. Lol. Still... this grieving process SUCKS. I know estimates vary for how long this takes. I figure as long as I throw myself into work, gym, fun, and maintain No Contact things will get better. Also reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle which I think will help me focus on this moment rather than those before. Edited October 9, 2013 by degearea
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 All my past girlfriends of the past 10 years have been like this. Hot messes. Hmmmm. Maybe there are some things here that you need to work on?? Why does this consistently happen? Why are you picking these kinds of women over and over? Etc... 1
Author degearea Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 It's a fair point. In all honesty I'm a pretty superficial guy and let my attraction for the hot chicks get in the way of all logic for the way they behave. Plus there's always that 3-6 month honeymoon phase where things seem great, but I know there are warning signs that I ignore. It's all about the flags that get thrown up I think now. If I continually ignore them then I'm going to keep getting thrown under a bus. If I really want a mother of my children she has simply got to be more stable in all aspects of life. I can't let a pretty face and great body determine her worth as an individual no matter what my nether region is saying.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 It's a fair point. In all honesty I'm a pretty superficial guy and let my attraction for the hot chicks get in the way of all logic for the way they behave. Plus there's always that 3-6 month honeymoon phase where things seem great, but I know there are warning signs that I ignore. It's all about the flags that get thrown up I think now. If I continually ignore them then I'm going to keep getting thrown under a bus. If I really want a mother of my children she has simply got to be more stable in all aspects of life. I can't let a pretty face and great body determine her worth as an individual no matter what my nether region is saying. Yes. I think many of us do the same things you describe. It's so easy to ignore the red flags. During the Honeymoon Stage and especially if the physical attraction is high. This is exactly what I have done myself. I am now realizing there are specific reasons why I do this. It takes some digging and really being honest with oneself to get to the deeper issues. But I believe this is essential to having a loving, lasting RS. Just wish I figured all of this out 10 or 15 years ago
Author degearea Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Seriously? My mind wakes me up at 4am and won't stop thinking about her. Took a half a Xanax to go back to sleep and shut it up. I broke up with her. I was unhappy. She had many many problems. She was a mean drunk, had loads of bills (80k), no consistent work or sense of purpose, was blowing through money from her divorce fast as you can imagine, and it's probably too late to have a kid with her. It's all because she's with another guy almost immediately. It's because she wanted me to give her another chance and I didn't. It's because I think this guy is somehow better than me and that she won't end up drunkenly screaming at him like me and the last 4 guys she had relationships or marriages with. It's because she said she was going to call for us to hang out this week and never did. 4am. Just me and my OCD head. Coooome on Xanax!
Philosoraptor Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Sounds like more than anything she's someone else's problem now. Turn off your ego and realize she wasn't a posession. Just because someone else has her doesn't mean that they are somehow better than you. She was a drunk with a lot of baggage; you were unhappy and gained the freedom to find someone more positive who can bring more joy into your life. 1
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I have same kind of mindset.. I feel that someone else is better than me and he will treat her better.
Author degearea Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I screwed up huge yesterday. I reached out to the abusive woman I dumped because I missed her. I told her that. She said she missed me too but that she's with another guy now. I've mentioned before that she's an alcoholic... But I still didn't blink when she said let's get beers next week. I numbingly said okay. Not a few hours later my phone blew up with texts from friends saying she just posted a ton of half naked pics with her and this other guy on Facebook... Right after we spoke. Almost everyone I've spoken to thinks she did it to hurt me. I sent her one last text to tell her not to bother calling and that she's an evil person. Blocked her right after on my phone so she can't call or text me again. This just validated all my thinking. She's a spiteful abusive child. Period. No Contact starts today. She's dead to me now.
JDPT Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 That's pretty vicious indeed. Be thankful for this experience and remain faithful to NC. It's time to start healing. 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 It's ok to be angry but understand she's sick and damaged. Show her mercy and forgive her, the anger will only hurt you. Cut all contact, and never allow yourself to be someone's fool. It's ok, the worst is over my friend 1
Salvatore85 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 I know exactly what you mean man. I would make so many excuses for the way my ex treated me. I knew it was wrong because I was almost far too embarrassed to tell anyone the things she would say or do. Sometimes I'm driving in my car and randomly punch my steering wheel because of what I put myself through. If one of my close friends were going through the same situation I was I would've told that person to move on but I foolishly stuck around til' she used me up and dumped me.
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