Shaun-Dro Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I am just really posting here hoping someone will give me some perspective towards the end of august i met this guy online dating. We had been chatting on the phpne and online for a few weeks then met August 18. We just stayed for one drink ( i had a new job i was starting the next day so just wanted a quick meet up) Anyway at the end of it we both decided we would at least be friends and go out on the weekends to see bands etc, we had a lot in common in terms of music. He is really smart, a bit different a bit edgey. anyway over he next few weeks, one day i called him and he was watching porn, and one thing lead to another and next thing we were having phone sex, well my voice is i am told pretty sexy over the phone, and he just got really turned on, anyway our whole thing became sexual after that, i didnt send him any photos of myself or anything but he did send many of himself. We still though didnt meet up. it was all over the phone To both of us though, we actually really liked each other as people, that had already been established. Many years ago he was an IV drug user and he has things happen i think as a result of that, hallucinations etc and some other health problems. So we didnt actually see each other again until last saturday night, when on impulse i invited him to a birthday gathering and a hotel. He came and i was really excited to see him again. Before we left my house to go we went across the road to the pub to have a drink. We sat outside because he is a smoker ( i always swore id never date a smoker so i knew i must really like him) any way there was some really drunk men out there they must have been drinking for hours and they kept looking at us and saying rude things (we were kind of dressed nicely and coincidentally our colours matched). I couldnt exactly hear what they were saying, so i was looking at them just trying to work it out. anyway my date, he said i was giving them the death stare, and he got a bit taken aback. But i wasnt, i was just a female trying to work out if i was under threat by these idiot drunk guys. any way we left and went to the party. We hadnt had dinner and we both got quite drunk. So stupid! He said i was throwing myself at him, dancing and stuff but honestly i thought that he had shown me during the past few weeks that he wanted sex from me, that we both wanted sex from each other. he sent me so many penis photos, he was staying at my house overnight that night, i just thought it was on the agenda. Anyway he ended up telling me that he doesnt feel that way about me. So we went home, very drunk. Then somehow at home we ended up naked he tore my pants off and threw me on the bed , performed oral sex on me, then he got really rough, holding me down and sucking my boobs way too hard. Tried to get him off me he wouldnt get off. Anyway then he said he is way out of my league sexually and that he would just destroy my body if he had actual sex with me. So he didnt. And i was like, "you have been begging me to sleep with you for weeks, now i am here and you dont want me, you are rejecting me". Then he said oh i think you are a fantastic person, so sweet, so romantic, but i think i just view you as a friend. So we went to sleep, naked, him spooning me. I woke up at 6 am to him kissing me all over my arms, saying 'dont get up" then kissing me on the mouth. Because he likes me only as a friend right? So then he went home and that was it. He said he had a wonderful time and thanks for inviting him etc, So what do you think happened here? what did i do wrong? where did i go wrong? Do i even speak to him anymore someone give me some perspective please Do you really need the Loveshack people to tell you that this guy's playing mind games with you. Evidently, it seems to be working.
Leigh 87 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Double standards Leigh, if. A guy talks about sex it's ok but if a girl acts on his suggestions she is rejected. It's just BS I got a text from him which sums up exactly what he is. It said that he still wants to go out with me as friends, and..... "If I play my cards right he might let me suck his dick...." Yep,, that's right. It doesn't really happen to me. I am not rejected or shut down, as I tend to tell whether or nor a guy is sexually into me well before we get into the bedroom. He obviously acted like he wanted you, based on his phone sex thing..... I really really REALLY advise you, that you should avoid discussions with men about sex until you get to know them better, and only once they get to know and like you for who you are. I think it is much healthier and would feel much better for you if you got to know him more first, and spent a few weeks getting to know each other, before talking about anything sexual? You seem like you would be happier if you got to know a guy first, and once he showed clear signs of being interested in you, as a person, only then broach sexual discussions? Basically; once you know a guy and he appears to like you for you and he is ALSO showing signs he is romantically and sexually interested, perhaps initiate or agree to participate in sexually charged conversations? It seems like when you were " all over him" that night, it would have been HIGHLY embarrassing for me if I was all over a guy and he shut me down. I would have been like WTF. Why doesn't he want me as badly as he acted like he did? I would feel embarrassed and not talk to them again, if they shut me down, or were anything other than thrilled to have me throw myself at them?
crederer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I feel like I'm missing something. Why the hell would you not wanna be with this prince charming?
Pistol pete Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Maybe the guy actually has a girlfriend and would feel more guilty if he had sex with you, rather than just oral etc
Author mishy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Maybe the guy actually has a girlfriend and would feel more guilty if he had sex with you, rather than just oral etc No he doesn't have a girlfriend , he just diet like it when I followed through on his penis photos. Note i sent him no naked photos of my own
todreaminblue Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 you said he was an interevenous user did you see if he was all clear for aids or hep or any other nasty little surprises when was his last test............deb
Author mishy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Yeah that has been on my mind . And I hadn't asked him yet so it was just as well I didn't end up sleeping with him anyway. He was trying to get me to suck his dick but I don't do that for that very reason, so I didn't. All he did was lick the outside of my genitals, just one lick, and kissed me, that's all that's the extent of it
bumpyroad Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 It's a waste of your time to go 'round and 'round the whys and wherefores of why he acted why he did; the guy is a pig and unstable. I'm glad you had a lucky escape.
Author mishy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 It's a waste of your time to go 'round and 'round the whys and wherefores of why he acted why he did; the guy is a pig and unstable. I'm glad you had a lucky escape. Dont know how I pick these guys. He made me feel terrible for coming on to him when we were out. It's such a double standard. He sent me penis pics for weeks and I didn't send any back, but as soon as I acted in that , I was the bad guy.
bumpyroad Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Dont know how I pick these guys. He made me feel terrible for coming on to him when we were out. It's such a double standard. He sent me penis pics for weeks and I didn't send any back, but as soon as I acted in that , I was the bad guy. Yeah, it is a double standard. It's disappointing though, isn't it, when you like someone at the beginning, and it turns out this way. You didn't do anything wrong, you're too good for him anyway. I'm fed up at the moment with my situation, it's just dating, it sucks, as do a lot of men. Hope you feel better soon. x
theothersully Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Dont know how I pick these guys. He made me feel terrible for coming on to him when we were out. It's such a double standard. He sent me penis pics for weeks and I didn't send any back, but as soon as I acted in that , I was the bad guy. You probably like the excitement in general, but didn't expect him to be playing games to this level. Those are all games. He's trying to get you to ride an emotional roller coaster so things are exciting and drama filled (which it seems he likes). Not really boyfriend material. Fling? Maybe. Boyfriend? No.
Author mishy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Yeah, it is a double standard. It's disappointing though, isn't it, when you like someone at the beginning, and it turns out this way. You didn't do anything wrong, you're too good for him anyway. I'm fed up at the moment with my situation, it's just dating, it sucks, as do a lot of men. Hope you feel better soon. x Dating just takes so much energy, sometimes I think I'm better off taking a permanent break from it.
Author mishy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) You probably like the excitement in general, but didn't expect him to be playing games to this level. Those are all games. He's trying to get you to ride an emotional roller coaster so things are exciting and drama filled (which it seems he likes). Not really boyfriend material. Fling? Maybe. Boyfriend? No. Yeah, and yesterday I was wondering why I was still so pent up and angry about it , and so I sent him this text. I woke up today feeling much better just having got it off my chest. This is what I wrote: " when you started sending me penis pics and doing phone sex I decided to do the ladylike thing and not send any back. When we went out last weekend I decided to act on everything you have been sending and saying. Then you didn't want sex because you said I had been throwing myself at you too much. You totally strung me along and then when I showed my interest you threw it in my face, pretty much saying I am undesirable. I am a nice person and you just play mind games with me, ignoring, appearing, disappearing and showing no concern for the fact that I am a quality person, who for unknown reasons actually really liked you a lot." Yeah so that's what I sent...... . Edited October 12, 2013 by mishy
Author mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 he won't reply to the text but at least i said what i felt
snowflakes88 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 Mishy. No. No, no, no, no, no, NO. I remember your older posts, and you've spent years trying to free yourself from a totally dysfunctional, one-sided "relationship." Only to throw yourself directly into another?? No. What you said earlier about needing to take a break from dating is spot on. You need a break, and probably some counseling too. You need to get to the root of why you tolerate this kind of behavior. No, you can't control someone else's behavior. But you can control your own, and by chasing after these dysfunctional and disrespectful men, you tell them from day one that you have absolutely 0 respect for yourself and that they can treat you any kind of way. That is not the message you want to send, I'm sure. 1
Author mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Mishy. No. No, no, no, no, no, NO. I remember your older posts, and you've spent years trying to free yourself from a totally dysfunctional, one-sided "relationship." Only to throw yourself directly into another?? No. What you said earlier about needing to take a break from dating is spot on. You need a break, and probably some counseling too. You need to get to the root of why you tolerate this kind of behavior. No, you can't control someone else's behavior. But you can control your own, and by chasing after these dysfunctional and disrespectful men, you tell them from day one that you have absolutely 0 respect for yourself and that they can treat you any kind of way. That is not the message you want to send, I'm sure. Yes, i know he was a mistake, but I DO know from past experience not to see him again.. That is the difference between *then* and now. So this isnt going to be a repeat of the last guy, because after last week i can see he is exactly the same. 1
lollipopspot Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I don't think you really "should" (for what it's worth) have even sent that last text. A guy like that - just move on and don't look back. He seems a bit unstable and as I said before, possibly dangerous. Just cut all contact. I think trying to resolve something with him even with that text is something that may not come from the healthiest place. I don't know you, but if I had had that experience I'd be running and not looking back. 2
Author mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 I don't think you really "should" (for what it's worth) have even sent that last text. A guy like that - just move on and don't look back. He seems a bit unstable and as I said before, possibly dangerous. Just cut all contact. I think trying to resolve something with him even with that text is something that may not come from the healthiest place. I don't know you, but if I had had that experience I'd be running and not looking back. really, i sent the text for my own benefit, and i feel a whole lot better for doing it. But i understand what you are saying
snowflakes88 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I'm glad you realize his behavior is unacceptable, but I agree with the previous poster... the fact that you even reached out to him is disturbing. The tone of your text is very, "I really really liked you and am sad that you treated me so badly. I am a worthwhile person and wish you could see that." 99% of women would have lost his number so quickly it would've made his head spin.
Tk123 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 But i was drunk so my judgement of how bad it was could have been way off. Yeah i know.. never get drunk Rationalizing. You KNOW this guy is way out there, however you're still attracted to him. If I were you I'd re-read what you wrote to us in your first post. If you cannot see all the red flags flying around then I don't know what to tell you. Find a man who respects you and your body, I don't care if he's drunk or not. It's not worth rationalizing over a situation like this, you are only going to make yourself more of a wreck.
Author mishy Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Criteria for assessing guys on internet dating: Any man who is shirtless in his photos - ignore. Any man who greets you with poor spelling, punctuation, or something like "Hey sexy" - ignore. (Note: Something like: ‘Hi, great photo, you have a nice smile" is ok.) Any guy who makes sexual comments before you've met them, ignore. Any man, who sends or asks for naked photos - EVER - ignore. Any man who, when asked what they did on the weekend, says "Got mad drunk" - ignore. Any man who smokes - ignore (blechh). Any men who does not provide a photo - ignore. Start living this list every time you speak to someone online. i think i will print that list out and tape it to my computer screen thanks
Author mishy Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 I am in a really good physical and mental position now. Fully recovered from him its just as well we went out that night, because if we hadnt i might have got involved with him. I think he is actually still a drug addict. I started noticing a pattern. He would vanish for 48 hours at a time almost 3 days, where no phone or texts were answered. He runs a business and i have his work number and home number and neither would be answered. he had told me weeks ago that he suffers from halucinations when he is overtired. One time he actually thought i was at his house when i wasnt. When we met he told me he had been an IV drug user 10 years ago. But now i think he is actually still a drug user. When he was really drunk that night he came over and we went out he joked asking me if i wanted to shoot up amphetimines. Ofcourse i said no. and i dont think he had anything with him, (maybe in his car??) but it stuck in my mind. I havent had anything to do with drugs, only ever smoked pot in my early twenties, but his disappearing acts for 2-3 days at a time now make me think that that is what was going on. Maybe taking speed and then coming down? i dont know, but i think i dodged a bullet.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 19, 2013 Posted October 19, 2013 And: Any man that sends you a pic of his d-k - ignore Any man that refers to meeting up as "play date" - ignore Any man that invites you to his house as a meet up place - ignore Any man that that wears sunglasses on all his pics - ignore Any man that posses next to a Ferrari or similar - ignore Any man that has pics with hot women - ignore Any man that has "casual sex" listed in his "looking for" - ignore Any man that has that he is 30 on his profile but looks 50 in his pics - ignore Any man that says he is 50 but looks 30 in his pics - ignore
Author mishy Posted October 19, 2013 Author Posted October 19, 2013 And: Any man that sends you a pic of his d-k - ignore Any man that refers to meeting up as "play date" - ignore Any man that invites you to his house as a meet up place - ignore Any man that that wears sunglasses on all his pics - ignore Any man that posses next to a Ferrari or similar - ignore Any man that has pics with hot women - ignore Any man that has "casual sex" listed in his "looking for" - ignore Any man that has that he is 30 on his profile but looks 50 in his pics - ignore Any man that says he is 50 but looks 30 in his pics - ignore ********* i find a lot of dating profiles say something like *start off as casual and see what happens* that really irritates me. Its kind of like, well we'll start off f&^%ing and if you pass all my requirements then maybe i will treat you with respect and we can go out as a couple... maybe. I steer clear of those ones
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