SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 What would you like to confess to your MM? Here's mine: Here's what you don't know: that girl you've been talking to, the girl with the other profile, it's me. Today I realized, I was always right about you. You're scum. Worthless. I feel sorry for your wife. I feel sorry for myself. I'm sorry for ever getting involved with you. I truly sorry. I'm thankful that I'm not the one stuck with you. You just desire sex from anyone who will give it to you because it's the only thing that makes you feel like you're worth something. It's pathetic. You've been detailing to this "other girl" aka ME, the sex we've had. Then after telling her, you attempt to lure her in too, so that she has sex with you. Then, after pushing some buttons, you say things about your wife and how you make her cum so good that she doesn't need it for weeks. She doesn't "need" it for weeks because she's sick of you. I'm sick of you. I'm running for the hills. May your wife find someone worthy to have her, you pig.
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 (((SarahJames))) Ugh a lot of these MM have OOW, especially the one's who really need that constant validation. My WH was talking to 2 OW the same time as MOW.
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Wow. Yikes. Is he a seriously doing that? Is he seriously doing what? Talking to a girl who he has no idea is me? Detailing to her the sex we've had? Sharing personal details? Trying to get "her" to have sex with him too? Telling her he misses me and caught feelings for me while still trying to have sex with this "random girl"? Yes, he's doing all the above. Apparently sick and twisted people like that exist in this world.
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Is he seriously doing what? Talking to a girl who he has no idea is me? Detailing to her the sex we've had? Sharing personal details? Trying to get "her" to have sex with him too? Telling her he misses me and caught feelings for me while still trying to have sex with this "random girl"? Yes, he's doing all the above. Apparently sick and twisted people like that exist in this world. Sex addicts is what they are usually referred to
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Ugh. Are you going to confront him with this? I so would, but how hurtful. I'm sorry he turned out to be a dbag, damn it. I can't confront him. I can't confront him because I look crazy. And I'm not crazy. I had a hunch that he was doing stuff like this, and I was right. I have to take it for what it's worth, I have to get myself out of this mess. I have to get away from him forever because it's a waste of time, energy, and my heart. 3
bentleychic Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Wow. I'm so sorry. That's a screwed up mess. I have nothing to confess to mine. The only thing I hide is this place. LOL
janedoe67 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Yes, they do, always have, always will. Sorry you have been exposed to one of them. Yes, we call these people cheaters.
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 (((SarahJames))) Ugh a lot of these MM have OOW, especially the one's who really need that constant validation. My WH was talking to 2 OW the same time as MOW. Constant validation of what exactly? That he's some sort of sex god? All it means is that he's clearly an immature, little boy, who is insecure, and feels unappreciated. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, if he wasn't breaking people's hearts along the way. But then again, if you become the one the cheater is cheating with, what the hell do you expect, right? 2
janedoe67 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I don't consider cheaters as inherently "evil". This is beyond having an affair, no? Not really....he is cheating on his wife....now he is cheating on his cheating partner...it's more of the same. I don't consider cheaters inherently evil either......but I am not so touchy feely relativist that I think cheating is okay and a good thing to do or whatever strange gray mumbo jumbo people are throwing around. The reason this hurts the OP is because it is betrayal. Guess what? That is what BS's feel. Maybe he had a "reason" to do it.....but I would bet that wouldn't make the OP think it was okay. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 I don't think it would make you look crazy - but I see your point. I guess for me, I would really want to confront him so that he knows that I KNOW. And then I would wash my hands of him! I can't even imagine all the emotions you are probably having right now, ugh! I'm so sorry that your hunch was right, but glad that you have the truth - even though it's hurtful, now you can make an even more informed decision. What satisfaction would it give me to let him know that I know? What hurts the most, is that he stopped going on the site for a few weeks. He stopped going because I persuaded him to fix his marriage. To stop cheating, even with me. He said he would. I believed him. I checked up on him. He wasn't going on the site. And he caved. I thought that despite doing such a messed up thing, by being the other woman, I could at least fix it a little by sending him on the right path. I'm devastated. I'm devastated that some people, maybe all people, people don't change.
truthbetold Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I can't confront him. I can't confront him because I look crazy. And I'm not crazy. I had a hunch that he was doing stuff like this, and I was right. I have to take it for what it's worth, I have to get myself out of this mess. I have to get away from him forever because it's a waste of time, energy, and my heart. I don't think you should out it to him. I think a manipulator like this will only turn it around on you and tick you off further. Guys that manipulate could care less that you "know" they will only get off on the fact that they're so much on your mind that you need to check up on them. They don't think like normal people. Living well will be the best revenge. If he contacts you, you can always tell him that you finally see you deserve so much better and he won't ever be up for meeting your standards.
solostand Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 That must really really hurt. So sorry for you. I have nothing to confess either. My MM doesn't use a computer (doesn't really know how, generational thing). That means we can't email, but it also means he has never looked at online porn either, which I consider a good thing. Despite the fact he is cheating on his wife, I know he is not cheating on me. He wouldn't have time since he sees me every day and when he doesn't, we spend most of the day on the phone. I also know without a doubt he loves me. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Not really....he is cheating on his wife....now he is cheating on his cheating partner...it's more of the same. I don't consider cheaters inherently evil either......but I am not so touchy feely relativist that I think cheating is okay and a good thing to do or whatever strange gray mumbo jumbo people are throwing around. The reason this hurts the OP is because it is betrayal. Guess what? That is what BS's feel. Maybe he had a "reason" to do it.....but I would bet that wouldn't make the OP think it was okay. I don't know. I think it IS beyond an affair. It's an ongoing, internal problem for him. He's sick, possibly beyond repair, and doesn't even see it. Am I hurt because it' s betrayal? I don't really feel betrayed. I don't feel betrayed because I knew he was capable of betrayal a long time ago, when he betrayed his wife. How can I be surprised by this? What's worse, is that I have no idea how I'm feeling, other than the fact I couldn't bare the site of him right now. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 I don't think you should out it to him. I think a manipulator like this will only turn it around on you and tick you off further. Guys that manipulate could care less that you "know" they will only get off on the fact that they're so much on your mind that you need to check up on them. They don't think like normal people. Living well will be the best revenge. If he contacts you, you can always tell him that you finally see you deserve so much better and he won't ever be up for meeting your standards. I completely agree with this. I know him well enough to know that if I told him, he'd just call me crazy and on some level, be satisfied that I cared enough to check up on him. Thank you. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Maybe. I happen to know "what BSs feel" because I experienced it. This would be a bit different for me than my husband having an affair with ONE person. This points to character flaw or something else - not situational dysfunction. That's a big difference for me, maybe not for you or others, but for me - character flaw vs. bad decision in time of stress are two completely different worlds. Do you know what's scary? He's cheated in the past, got caught, and his wife forgave him. Then he continued cheating. Then cheated with me. And now he's cheating on the person he cheated with. It's beyond a character flaw. I'd be way more forgiving of a bad decision than I would be to find out my husband is not the person I thought he was AT ALL. 1
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Constant validation of what exactly? That he's some sort of sex god? All it means is that he's clearly an immature, little boy, who is insecure, and feels unappreciated. That wouldn't be that big of a deal, if he wasn't breaking people's hearts along the way. But then again, if you become the one the cheater is cheating with, what the hell do you expect, right? Bingo! Exactly they are emotionally immature. Hey Sarah it's okay I'm still M'd to one. They are not a reflection of us. The WS makes their own choice that is a reflection on them. 1
Quiet Storm Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Maybe. I happen to know "what BSs feel" because I experienced it. This would be a bit different for me than my husband having an affair with ONE person. This points to character flaw or something else - not situational dysfunction. That's a big difference for me, maybe not for you or others, but for me - character flaw vs. bad decision in time of stress are two completely different worlds. Maybe a one night stand could be considered a bad decision in a time of stress. An affair involves intentional deception day in and day out. Every lie, every omission is a conscious choice to avoid conflict or deceive. It's weak and cowardly. The character flaws manifest themselves in many ways other than cheating, so just because someone cheats once does not mean they have good character. It's not always easy to find someone willing to have an affair, especially if he doesn't have "game". It doesn't mean OW is special, it just means OW is willing. Sarah, I see no point in confronting him. He's already on a quest for the next OW. Your image of him is now tarnished, and he needs a new supply of admiration from someone he hasn't disappointed yet. It's sad to say, but you are useless to him now that you've seen the real him. You can no longer provide the ego strokes that he seeks. I do think the wife should know, though. Can you set up an anonymous email and send her a link to the website? She has a right to an authentic life. 4
Cinnimon Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 What would you like to confess to your MM? Here's mine: Here's what you don't know: that girl you've been talking to, the girl with the other profile, it's me. Today I realized, I was always right about you. You're scum. Worthless. I feel sorry for your wife. I feel sorry for myself. I'm sorry for ever getting involved with you. I truly sorry. I'm thankful that I'm not the one stuck with you. You just desire sex from anyone who will give it to you because it's the only thing that makes you feel like you're worth something. It's pathetic. You've been detailing to this "other girl" aka ME, the sex we've had. Then after telling her, you attempt to lure her in too, so that she has sex with you. Then, after pushing some buttons, you say things about your wife and how you make her cum so good that she doesn't need it for weeks. She doesn't "need" it for weeks because she's sick of you. I'm sick of you. I'm running for the hills. May your wife find someone worthy to have her, you pig. First off Sarah, let me just say that I'm so sorry your going through this, I can't even imagine. Now let me just say that this guy, what a piece of work!! I wouldn't confront him if I were you. I'm not as controlled as most of the people on this forum. I would use that fake profile to twist his little pea sized head into a cornfield maze before I'd let loose of him. As far as him seeing you as crazy, HA!!!! Use your profile girl to show him what crazy is all about......Hugs
Ruffian1 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) I'm talking about men who have one partner for years that they aren't married to while they are married to someone else. That, imo, is not a character flaw - it is situational related to their marriage situation. Cowardly? Maybe - in your opinion, yes, in mine, no. So if a MM (A) had a series of many short flings throughout his marriage as opposed to MM (B) who has one LTA (both hiding if from the W) that means MM A has a character flaw but MM does not, but just a coward? What if MM A thought his series of short A's was situational related to dealing with his M but preferred to deal it with this way as opposed to one A partner long-term. IMO, in either scenario both are cowards and both are cheaters. Six of one or a half dozen of another. I believe that no one answer is more correct than the other, but rather personal preference is the determinant. SarahJames, Please let this guy's W know so she can protect herself, he sounds like someone to spread an STD. Edited October 8, 2013 by Ruffian1 Add
Ruffian1 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) No, there has to be a pattern of dysfunction for me to believe someone disordered. One affair that goes on for years and years does not show dysfunction. I think the difference is that some believe that an affair is automatically indicative of disorder/brokenness/cowardice. I don't agree with that. I truly believe that some people find themselves in marriages that seem impossible to fix, impossible to get out of without damaging their children - and that they cannot survive in that situation, so they come up with a "solution". Other people don't and believe that having an affair is enough proof that someone is disordered - I don't think it's nearly enough "proof" of being disordered. If someone is repeatedly having affairs, yes, that would say to me that someone is disordered - as they would be the common denominator in dysfunction. But one affair? Just not enough to prove a pattern. Definition of DISORDERED 1 obsolete a : morally reprehensible b : unruly 2 a : marked by disorder <a disordered room> b : not functioning in a normal orderly healthy way <a disordered mind> — dis·or·dered·ly adverb Definition of DYSFUNCTION 1 : impaired or abnormal functioning <gastrointestinal dysfunction> 2 : abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group <family dysfunction> To be considered “disordered” or not functioning in a normal orderly healthy way a person must have a repeated pattern of cheating. Then he is dysfunctional. However, if he only cheats once long-term and- what is considered long term? 6 months, 6 yrs. 16 yrs. ?-- he is functioning in a normal and healthy way that is not dysfunctional or which means in an abnormal or unhealthy way in his interpersonal behavior. Okay, talking about not functioning in a normal orderly healthy way or being dysfunctional (abnormal unhealthy behavior) is not what was referenced. Character flaw was. And again, you do not see cheating as a character flaw unless it is repeated and not situational. That, imo, is not a character flaw - it is situational related to their marriage situation. Cowardly? Maybe - in your opinion, yes, in mine, no./QUOTE] A character flaw is a limitation, imperfection, problem, or deficiency present in a character who may be otherwise very functional. Every one of us has a fundamental flaw, a defect of character, an Achilles’ heel, a weakness. All of us. Sometimes it tends to dominate the entire personality. To the extent that you can identify and handle your flaw, you are doing well in your personal growth . . . .if that’s a goal for you. Most people tend to not see their character flaws in themselves, just everyone else. Cheating many short times or once long-term . . disorder, dysfunction, character flaw, tomato, tomahto, it is still a character flaw, call it dishonesty, arrogance, greed, impatience, stubbornness, martyrdom, dishonesty, lying, all would be considered character flaw no matter if you are MM A or B. However, if you decide to act upon this character flaws (cheat) or not shows your true character. Many people are in “bad” marriages but do not cheat and say “I was fixing a situation”. There are more honest ways to fix a situation. So do the spouses that are in bad situational marriages but don’t cheat, do they have “character perfections”? . .lol Edited October 8, 2013 by Ruffian1 2
MissBee Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 So do the spouses that are in bad situational marriages but don’t cheat, do they have “character perfections”? . .lol This is hilarious. 4
velvette Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Maybe. I happen to know "what BSs feel" because I experienced it. This would be a bit different for me than my husband having an affair with ONE person. This points to character flaw or something else - not situational dysfunction. That's a big difference for me, maybe not for you or others, but for me - character flaw vs. bad decision in time of stress are two completely different worlds. Its no different other than in degree. The dynamic is the same. He probably is stressed. OP/OW stopped cheating with him and sent him back to work on his M. If he knew how to do that he wouldn't have been cheating to begin with. Internal issue bubbles up/stress/cheat........same dynamic 99.9% of the time.......whether its one OW or more. 2
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 What would you like to confess to your MM? Here's mine: Here's what you don't know: that girl you've been talking to, the girl with the other profile, it's me. Today I realized, I was always right about you. You're scum. Worthless. I feel sorry for your wife. I feel sorry for myself. I'm sorry for ever getting involved with you. I truly sorry. I'm thankful that I'm not the one stuck with you. You just desire sex from anyone who will give it to you because it's the only thing that makes you feel like you're worth something. It's pathetic. You've been detailing to this "other girl" aka ME, the sex we've had. Then after telling her, you attempt to lure her in too, so that she has sex with you. Then, after pushing some buttons, you say things about your wife and how you make her cum so good that she doesn't need it for weeks. She doesn't "need" it for weeks because she's sick of you. I'm sick of you. I'm running for the hills. May your wife find someone worthy to have her, you pig. Is he still your MM? Certainly hope you've ended your A with him as it's pointless to stay with him now knowing what you know.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I can't confront him. I can't confront him because I look crazy. And I'm not crazy. I had a hunch that he was doing stuff like this, and I was right. I have to take it for what it's worth, I have to get myself out of this mess. I have to get away from him forever because it's a waste of time, energy, and my heart. Just tell him that you no longer want to be his OW and say goodbye. You don't owe him an explanation or anything.
Author SarahJames Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Its no different other than in degree. The dynamic is the same. He probably is stressed. OP/OW stopped cheating with him and sent him back to work on his M. If he knew how to do that he wouldn't have been cheating to begin with. Internal issue bubbles up/stress/cheat........same dynamic 99.9% of the time.......whether its one OW or more. You think its stress that's causing him to behave that way? I was leaning more towards boredom....and stupidity. Earlier, I believed his marriage just lacked the amount of sex he craved, but now I see that it's his own issues that cause him to do it. Not even marital issues, but issues within himself.
Recommended Posts