chinacat sunflower Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I'm having a bad day today. In general, I've been doing a lot better. I have lost all hope of him coming back. But there is still something I can't get out of my head. He broke up with me out of anger, came back a few days later, sick to his stomach, crying etc, then friend-zoned me. I denied him, gave it some thought and wanted to work on it. He said no and claimed that I "walked out on him". I know either way it's over. O V E R. It really doesn't matter. But this keeps whirling through my head, especially on bad days like today. I have everything in perspective (or so I thought). I have come to terms with the fact that the break up was my fault, me turning out to be a needy b*tch and fighting for whatever was going to end anyway. I would really appreciate some kind of input. Harsh or not. Whatever. Just some kind of encouragement to help this thought get put in it's place.
im_thedude Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hindsight always seems 20/20. Pretty sure every damn person on this forum has their good days and their bad days. I had a rough week but seem to be tumbling out of the fog. On those worst of days, when nothing seemed to help, I just gritted my teeth, let the tears roll, splashed some cold water on my face and got the hell out of the house. The way I read your situation, it seems that you are in the same kind of boat as me - you've come to vivid terms with the situation, and now you're just needing to make the final push to let it go. 1
ebor Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Remember most of your feelings are a matter of time and concentrate on the real facts that won't change!! Can't help much, Just wanted to say good luck 1
JoelBarish Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I don't fault you for being needy or wanting to save the relationship. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. 4
Author chinacat sunflower Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 I don't fault you for being needy or wanting to save the relationship. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. I have read some articles about what makes men run away in a relationship. And the biggest point was that of being needy. I think I was being needy. My entire support system (family, friends) assured me I did nothing wrong in the relationship. I beg to differ. I just wish I could figure out what went wrong, and what I can do next time to avoid this happening again. It's been kind of a pattern for me. It's difficult to step back and look at the whole picture without being bias. Of course my family and friends are going to have my back 100%, but I think I need some constructive criticism. Joel, would you dump someone for being needy? Or better yet, dump them and act way more hurt/upset than the person you just let go?
AnnaAnna Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I know you're blaming yourself right now but it probably wasn't your fault. There must be a reason why you were fighting and being so needy. I really believe when somebody truly loves you they will not let you go no matter what. I don't blame you for not wanting to be friends with him. I couldn't be friends with somebody I love and want. It would be hard. Just stay strong and give it some time. If he loves you, he will come back. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) Chinacat, I think near the end of my relationship I became quite needy as well. I could feel bf slipping away and so I tried desperately to fix the situation and came off as really needy and even b*tchy. To be honest I think I'm emotionally needy in general...something I'm working on. Most of my girl friends who are in healthy relationships are not very needy and are satisfied with their independence. They have their own hobbies and social lives. They don't rely on their men to make them happy and don't ask for a ton of emotional support. I, on the other hand, dive into my relationships with everything I have. I think I sometimes give too much and expect too much and may come off as needy. Ideally I want a best friend, lover, partner rolled into one...but sometimes that's not the case. Your significant other should be a partner but you can't expect them to fulfill your every need. You should be happy and confident with yourself first. Don't blame yourself for the BU...remember that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. Needy or not, we didn't have bfs who loved us enough to stay and work through the issues. We can all improve in one way or another..but be proud of who you are deep down and love yourself. You are your own source of happiness... Edited October 8, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove 2
AnyaNova Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 From his behavior, it doesn't sound like he is on the "completely emotionally healthy" bandwagon either. The thing is, is that women (I'm about to make a generalization, I hate generalizations) often do fear relational problems and severings (I really think it might be partially evolutionary, since women do tend to hold communities together). I mean, definitely, take this time to work on yourself and improve yourself, but don't assume that the relationship's end was all your fault, either. It takes two to Tango, two to be in a relationship, and TWO to screw it all up. Must remember that for myself as well. I keep running through everything that I could have done differently, but it doesn't help. He had quite a few issues himself. I think we all have difficulty remembering that. 1
Author chinacat sunflower Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 From his behavior, it doesn't sound like he is on the "completely emotionally healthy" bandwagon either. The thing is, is that women (I'm about to make a generalization, I hate generalizations) often do fear relational problems and severings (I really think it might be partially evolutionary, since women do tend to hold communities together). I mean, definitely, take this time to work on yourself and improve yourself, but don't assume that the relationship's end was all your fault, either. It takes two to Tango, two to be in a relationship, and TWO to screw it all up. Must remember that for myself as well. I keep running through everything that I could have done differently, but it doesn't help. He had quite a few issues himself. I think we all have difficulty remembering that. TRUTH. When I met his parents and his brother, they all ragged on him for being....well, a brat I guess. He's notorious for throwing fits since the day he was born. Whereas I'm more passive. But I'm definitely insecure when it comes to relationships though.....This whole situation just confused me. I don't expect answers, but I wish I could have a better understand on what actually did happen. I want to put it to rest already. It's hard.
Author chinacat sunflower Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Chinacat, I think near the end of my relationship I became quite needy as well. I could feel bf slipping away and so I tried desperately to fix the situation and came off as really needy and even b*tchy. To be honest I think I'm emotionally needy in general...something I'm working on. Most of my girl friends who are in healthy relationships are not very needy and are satisfied with their independence. They have their own hobbies and social lives. They don't rely on their men to make them happy and don't ask for a ton of emotional support. I, on the other hand, dive into my relationships with everything I have. I think I sometimes give too much and expect too much and may come off as needy. Ideally I want a best friend, lover, partner rolled into one...but sometimes that's not the case. Your significant other should be a partner but you can't expect them to fulfill your every need. You should be happy and confident with yourself first. Don't blame yourself for the BU...remember that it takes 2 to make a relationship work. Needy or not, we didn't have bfs who loved us enough to stay and work through the issues. We can all improve in one way or another..but be proud of who you are deep down and love yourself. You are your own source of happiness... I definitely dove into this relationship with everything I had. As did he. Or so I thought at the time. He pursued me 100% right until the last day. Literally. I have learned a lesson. I just got to find a balance between having a shark infested moat and a fortress built around my heart, and leaving the gates wide open. I reckon people spend most of their lives trying to figure that out..... I really appreciate your kind words.
JoelBarish Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I have read some articles about what makes men run away in a relationship. And the biggest point was that of being needy. I think I was being needy. My entire support system (family, friends) assured me I did nothing wrong in the relationship. I beg to differ. I just wish I could figure out what went wrong, and what I can do next time to avoid this happening again. It's been kind of a pattern for me. It's difficult to step back and look at the whole picture without being bias. Of course my family and friends are going to have my back 100%, but I think I need some constructive criticism. Joel, would you dump someone for being needy? Or better yet, dump them and act way more hurt/upset than the person you just let go? My ex and I were both needy. For most of the relationship she was needier than I was. Now I guess she's with someone else because she's too needy to be alone. But when we were together I liked that she needed me. Being needy gets a bad rap sometimes. I think it's because most people are less needy and feel smothered by those who are needy. However, with the right person , being needy is just fine. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 But when we were together I liked that she needed me. Being needy gets a bad rap sometimes. I think it's because most people are less needy and feel smothered by those who are needy. However, with the right person , being needy is just fine. I like it just fine from time to time. It offers an opportunity to show your partner that you care. However, I think a person with an insufficient social circle can easily suffocate their partner. Especially if their partner is an introvert. "Being there" 24/7 can be utterly exhausting.
JoelBarish Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I like it just fine from time to time. It offers an opportunity to show your partner that you care. However, I think a person with an insufficient social circle can easily suffocate their partner. Especially if their partner is an introvert. "Being there" 24/7 can be utterly exhausting. Sure neediness can be taken too far, just like anything else. I am just tired of those with needy personalities being made to feel bad just for feeling their own feelings.
Author chinacat sunflower Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I like it just fine from time to time. It offers an opportunity to show your partner that you care. However, I think a person with an insufficient social circle can easily suffocate their partner. Especially if their partner is an introvert. "Being there" 24/7 can be utterly exhausting. I'm definitely an introvert. Him not so much. Being an introvert is something I am not insecure about at all. I know I need my alone time and I enjoy it. I would never give him a hard time about hanging out with his friends. Guys and girls. I'm not like that. He would make it into an issue. I often felt that he didn't like my being laid back when he hung out with his friends when I wasn't around. He would constantly message me letting me know every detail. I would respond because, well, frankly I enjoyed talking to him. It made me happy. When I would go out without him, he would constantly text me asking about every detail. Again, something I didn't mind. He has a right to know where I am and who I'm with. It made me feel happy to be wanted. I guess I wasn't needy until the end when I felt him slip away. He asked for space, and I couldn't deliver. That was the reason for the split. According to him. We played cat and mouse with each other for weeks until he found the courage to sever all ties. Haven't heard from him since. Perhaps I'm not as crazy as he made me out to be. It takes one to know one, right? 2
DovLuvApostle Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Im sorry your going through this I really my fellow Love Pilgrim. I want to start by saying this is from my own personal experiences and philosophy so I'm not TELLING you anything just giving you a thought. Im sure you know that what your going through is nothing new at all its been going on since caveman and cavewoman decided it was time to part caves and date other cave dwellers. Knowing your not alone is a HUGE part of recovering (right now or in the past and you can bet your ass in the future). Right now at this very second a good portion of the 8 billion people on this planet are going through the same pain that's in your very own heart. Another big thing to remember is......you ready for this.......IT GETS BETTER. Over time you will get better, and you will meet someone new. Now your probably thinking "but im hurting now I want it to go away". Break a limp and you wanted to heal overnight, but it cant and wont. Your heart is the same way, like it or not. Ever heard the term "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? That's right always remember that, your hurting now but in the end you will be a stronger, wiser, more determined person. I hope I helped just a bit for ya. Stay Strong Your Friend,J. Your in the love gymnasium my friend "No Pain, No Gain" 2
Mr Scorpio Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I guess I wasn't needy until the end when I felt him slip away. He asked for space, and I couldn't deliver. That was the reason for the split. According to him. We played cat and mouse with each other for weeks until he found the courage to sever all ties. Haven't heard from him since. Unfortunately, that sounds like a normal situation to me. We want what we can't have, and we often take for granted what we do have. We feel a person slipping away, so we try to hold on tighter, not realizing that this just makes them pop right out of our grasp. Sad but true.
Author chinacat sunflower Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Unfortunately, that sounds like a normal situation to me. We want what we can't have, and we often take for granted what we do have. We feel a person slipping away, so we try to hold on tighter, not realizing that this just makes them pop right out of our grasp. Sad but true. It's actually fortunate that it's being perceived as being "normal". He expressed to me that he thinks I'm nuts. Which is something that was hard to grasp. This time around it was much easier to blame myself for what had happened, not as much him. He had his issues, but I wouldn't/didn't judge him for that. I fell in love with him for his good qualities, as well as his negative. I took him for what he was, but it wasn't reciprocated.
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