Ok - she wanted to end it

[DK_Casus]

I'll try to make this as short as I can - so I won't bore you too much.

 

I've had two long-term relationships (5 and 2 years) and I'm 36 years old.

 

I've been with this girl for 3 great months - and AFAIK, we were doing quite well. She was the one to say "I love you" first - and more or less throughout, she would tell me that she was getting more and more interested in me and my personality.

 

I'd warned her that I'm a slow builder when it comes to love - and I've been 100% honest from the very beginning. I made it clear that I wasn't "in love" - but that I thought she was a wonderful person, and I told her that I could feel my emotions getting stronger.

 

After a month or so, I reciprocated and told her that I love her too. We had great times - and great sex.

 

But, it probably went too fast. She more or less moved into my house after the first month - and we quickly grew into the habit of sitting on the couch watching some movie or something, and though we still had a great time - there was something missing.

 

A few weeks ago, I started feeling bad because I had a "mild" case of intrusive thoughts - something which I've been fighting for years. It's something that comes back every year or two, and it usually takes a few weeks to come to terms with them and accept they're there - and then they more or less go away again.

 

But, during this time - I was kinda down and I might not have been able to show my happiness very well - and we'd started having some discussions.

 

The primary issue, if I understand her correctly, is that I'm a bit too honest when I talk about things - and I'm not a big believer in being overly diplomatic when speaking my mind.

 

Now, I'd warned her of this from the beginning - and she assured me that she could handle it.

 

In any case, one day we were talking about it - and she told me that she might need to make sure she could really handle this aspect of my personality - and I said that was ok. I told her that maybe she should go home and think things through.

 

She did - and I said to her that I wouldn't mind trying to adjust how I present my opinions - and that I'd try to limit my tendency to take up an issue if I felt it was a potential problem for our relationship. She seemed fine about it - so I expected her to come back and we'd talk it over.

 

Instead, she tells me that she needed more time - and that she felt better at home.

 

Essentially, she'd emotionally distanced herself in a matter of no more than 1-2 weeks tops - and it wasn't long until she made it clear that while she still loves me, she doesn't feel we can be a good match.

 

Now, keep in mind that this issue was the ONLY issue AFAIK - and we're not talking about heated discussions or anything. Maybe two or three episodes where we disagreed and I was being frank about my opinion - instead of sugarcoating it. I never said anything to hurt her - and she's told me that she knows that all I ever do is try to help as best as I can.

 

But, apparently, she couldn't handle this aspect of my personality at all - and for whatever reason - it became clear to her in a very short time at the end.

 

I'm just wondering if there's more to it or not. I don't understand why she'd want to ruin a good thing without even giving me a chance to adjust how I present my opinions - and there's been absolutely NO warning signals prior to this, certainly not of a serious kind to my mind. I'm pretty observant - and I'd often ask if there's something bothering her, and there never seemed to be a big problem.

 

But she's a VERY diplomatic person and she's told me that she doesn't believe a relationship needs to have a fight - ever. Where as I think that's somewhat unrealistic and I think the occasional fight or conflict is inevitable if you're going to be with just one person for years and years.

 

In any case, I'm quite hurt right now - and I just wish I'd detected this issue before it became a real issue.

 

I've been in a bad relationship before - and I know when something can't work.

 

This time, it came out of the blue - and I'm shocked that I didn't pick up on this.

 

I honestly believe she loves me - or at least cares a lot for me, and I don't believe you can go from "you're so fascinating - I love you" to "I can't be with you" in just a week or two.

 

Now, she wants to be friends - and she's made it clear that she still wants to have sex with me, because she thinks I'm a great lover.

 

Is it just me - or is that a bit superficial? I mean, shouldn't she be more concerned about developing feelings for me again if we had sex? I certainly don't think I could just stop feeling and have sex as if we'd never loved each other.

 

Ok, I know it's just been 3 months - and it should be no big deal. But I'm a sensitive person when it comes to investing in other people - and when I finally cross that line and start loving - I'm pretty damn invested.

 

It hurts a lot.

 

I guess I could use some feedback - if my tale has made any sense at all. Guess it wasn't that short, sorry about that!

Edited October 7, 2013 by DK_Casus

[Fufu]

Now, she wants to be friends - and she's made it clear that she still wants to have sex with me, because she thinks I'm a great lover.

 

Once I spotted this, I was like Really? For sure?!

 

Actually you had been honest to this girl from the start about your personality and she mentioned this "she assured me that she could handle it"

and so after 3 months, she can't take it anymore? Just 3 months?

 

I honestly believe she loves me - or at least cares a lot for me, and I don't believe you can go from "you're so fascinating - I love you" to "I can't be with you" in just a week or two.

 

I can tell you words are cheap, way too cheap. Actions prove louder and worth way much more.

 

 

My opinion: If a person can change his/her mind in such a short-term relationship (3 months), I think lust has it more than love. From what you said, my gut feeling is that she is not that into you. If a girl is really committed and in love with her man, all these "mild" intrusive thoughts or personality issue won't bother the girl one bit (at least for me). If she minds you as a person now then there are gonna be lots of more issues in the future.

 

My suggestion: Think twice and move on.

[Philosoraptor]

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, her actions made that pretty clear. You are her booty call, so you can either sleep with her and cut the emotional stuff, or tell her to buzz off.

 

You were upfront and honest with things. She brought one of those things up. You offered to compromise and try to make things better, but she still wanted out. She was hoping you would say you're not going to try to change so she could blame the end on you, but she didn't want to be with you so she ended it regardless.

[DK_Casus]

Now, she wants to be friends - and she's made it clear that she still wants to have sex with me, because she thinks I'm a great lover.

 

Once I spotted this, I was like Really? For sure?!

 

Actually you had been honest to this girl from the start about your personality and she mentioned this "she assured me that she could handle it"

and so after 3 months, she can't take it anymore? Just 3 months?

 

I honestly believe she loves me - or at least cares a lot for me, and I don't believe you can go from "you're so fascinating - I love you" to "I can't be with you" in just a week or two.

 

I can tell you words are cheap, way too cheap. Actions prove louder and worth way much more.

 

 

My opinion: If a person can change his/her mind in such a short-term relationship (3 months), I think lust has it more than love. From what you said, my gut feeling is that she is not that into you. If a girl is really committed and in love with her man, all these "mild" intrusive thoughts or personality issue won't bother the girl one bit (at least for me). If she minds you as a person now then there are gonna be lots of more issues in the future.

 

My suggestion: Think twice and move on.

 

Hmm, yeah - maybe you're right.

 

But she's a very honest person - and I really don't believe she'd say "I love you" if she didn't mean it.

 

However, she does have a history of being let down by other people - and the stories she's told me about what she's accepted from her previous boyfriends (like accepting her last BF wasn't very attracted to her - and that she'd have to convince him to satisfy her on rare occasions) - tells me she's confused and doesn't really know what she can or can't live with.

 

Obviously, it hurts my feelings and my ego that she wasn't invested in me very much at all - but I'll accept that if that's the truth. I'm good with that - or I will be.

 

It just doesn't make much sense to me, given her many words of affection.

 

I *suspect* she might have been afraid I'd eventually dump her - because I'd been bringing up potential issues - like the one I just mentioned about her not really knowing what she could live with in the long-term.

 

Maybe it was her way of protecting herself from yet another let-down. I know the last two weeks might have been rough on her, because I hadn't been feeling good - and I might have sent the wrong signals - as if I didn't care enough about her.

 

Argh... I hate it when I don't understand something like this. I pride myself when it comes to understanding human beings - but I guess when it comes to myself and the women I'm with - I don't know much at all

 

Certainly, she's acting like she's completely fine after dumping me - and though she says she's been missing me - it's certainly not showing.

 

But it's also as if she's trying to avoid me - because she's been doing her best to make other plans and it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want to spend much time with me.

 

Which is really odd - because she wanted to be friends - and there's no reason we couldn't have a good time like that. Not with sex - but just hanging out and stuff.

 

I don't get it.

[DK_Casus]

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, her actions made that pretty clear. You are her booty call, so you can either sleep with her and cut the emotional stuff, or tell her to buzz off.

 

You were upfront and honest with things. She brought one of those things up. You offered to compromise and try to make things better, but she still wanted out. She was hoping you would say you're not going to try to change so she could blame the end on you, but she didn't want to be with you so she ended it regardless.

 

That could be true - but then why would she take the initiative all they way?

 

I wasn't the one trying to get her to "move in" with me - and she was the one pushing to come over all the time. I'd suggest that we could spend a day apart and do our own thing - but I relented when she said she missed me and wanted to be with me.

 

I might be a decent lover - but it doesn't match her profile that she was doing the whole relationship song and dance just to get sex. I just can't believe that about her.

 

Maybe I'm naive? I guess it's possible.

 

But I'm 99.9% sure she loved me and *wanted* to be with me - she just got some kind of wake-up call and it was downhill fast from there.

 

Still doesn't make much sense to me, but I guess we all invest ourselves to different degrees.

 

I'm a slow builder - but it seems I end up getting hurt no matter how much care I take to be honest and not open up too fast.

[headinthecloud]

I agree Fufu's post. If she really loved you she would be with you. It's too short a time for either of you to really know one another. You think you know her but it sounds to me that she's decided you're not a match but your physical chemistry is hard to let go of. I would go NC, a friendship with her isn't possible because of the physical chemistry.

 

You sound fairly grounded and unfortunately she may not be. A Friends with Benefits scenario is unlikely here as you're emotionally involved. Thats not fair for her to ask that of you. She wants you but doesn't want to invest and build a relationship with you. I would let it be and move on.

[Fufu]

Hmm, yeah - maybe you're right.

 

But she's a very honest person - and I really don't believe she'd say "I love you" if she didn't mean it.

 

However, she does have a history of being let down by other people - and the stories she's told me about what she's accepted from her previous boyfriends (like accepting her last BF wasn't very attracted to her - and that she'd have to convince him to satisfy her on rare occasions) - tells me she's confused and doesn't really know what she can or can't live with.

 

Obviously, it hurts my feelings and my ego that she wasn't invested in me very much at all - but I'll accept that if that's the truth. I'm good with that - or I will be.

 

It just doesn't make much sense to me, given her many words of affection.

 

I *suspect* she might have been afraid I'd eventually dump her - because I'd been bringing up potential issues - like the one I just mentioned about her not really knowing what she could live with in the long-term.

 

Maybe it was her way of protecting herself from yet another let-down. I know the last two weeks might have been rough on her, because I hadn't been feeling good - and I might have sent the wrong signals - as if I didn't care enough about her.

 

Argh... I hate it when I don't understand something like this. I pride myself when it comes to understanding human beings - but I guess when it comes to myself and the women I'm with - I don't know much at all

 

Certainly, she's acting like she's completely fine after dumping me - and though she says she's been missing me - it's certainly not showing.

 

But it's also as if she's trying to avoid me - because she's been doing her best to make other plans and it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want to spend much time with me.

 

Which is really odd - because she wanted to be friends - and there's no reason we couldn't have a good time like that. Not with sex - but just hanging out and stuff.

 

I don't get it.

 

 

Let say she did love you, but it's not strong enough to withstand the relationship for long. I mean we are all looking for long and committed relationships. If this girl dumps you just 3 months, she will do it again for sure.

 

Protecting herself? I highly doubt so. No way a girl who is sane will dump the guy she is really in love with to protect herself.

 

You have to ask yourself, do you want to be her friend? Being just friends without having that commitments? And it also means that she is free to date any other guys without having to feel the guilt and eventually may say "Goodbye to you" and walk away. Are you alright with this?

[Philosoraptor]

You're fooling yourself here and trying to rationalize her choices. She moved way too fast when in the honeymoon period while ignoring all of the issues. Once that honeymoon ended she wanted to bounce out of there as fast as she jumped in. She did her best to pin the breakup as your fault so she could bounce away guilt free.

 

How long before she jumped into a relationship with you was she with someone else?

[DK_Casus]

Hmm, well - I'm sort of coming to the same conclusion.

 

That I should probably go NC - and I've done that before, because I'm not a big fan of having lingering feelings that might never be fully resolved.

 

She's been with her other boyfriends for - IIRC - 2 years and something like 1 year.

 

Obviously, she's not that experienced with long-term relationships. She's 28, by the way.

 

But she certainly managed to seem a lot more sensible and grounded in the beginning - compared to what I've learned about her recently.

[Fufu]

Hmm, well - I'm sort of coming to the same conclusion.

 

That I should probably go NC - and I've done that before, because I'm not a big fan of having lingering feelings that might never be fully resolved.

 

She's been with her other boyfriends for - IIRC - 2 years and something like 1 year.

 

Obviously, she's not that experienced with long-term relationships. She's 28, by the way.

 

But she certainly managed to seem a lot more sensible and grounded in the beginning - compared to what I've learned about her recently.

 

 

28 years old, mature enough to think for herself. Honestly, I do feel that she just feels that this relationship is not for her so she decides to just walk away.

 

But what I fear is she is keeping you within her radar so if others doesn't work out, she may come back to you because maybe she feels that you will want her back.

 

If my fear is true (I hope not), choose wisely.

[conf]

28 years old, mature enough to think for herself. Honestly, I do feel that she just feels that this relationship is not for her so she decides to just walk away.

 

But what I fear is she is keeping you within her radar so if others doesn't work out, she may come back to you because maybe she feels that you will want her back.

 

If my fear is true (I hope not), choose wisely.

 

If she is mature enought to know that this relationship is not for her why to string him? I think that this is the definition of immaturity

Also i think that another indication of immaturity is how fast she acted on this relationship