Leigh 87 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Hi there Leigh 87, good to hear from you. I'm just going through my usual morning routine on this incredible Tuesday morning when I so happened to come across your response. Allow me to add that I'm not in the business of criticizing other people. I'm also positive that nobody will bother going out of their way to say bad things about you just because you had a few one night stands. So I do sincerely hope that you've been easy on yourself. Sorry to hear that you've felt pretty crappy after the fact, though, and I hope you are willing to take the time to acknowledge that you are only human and there's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there to explore new things. Now you know that one night stands aren't right for you. You can now move on with your life and be a better person for it. I don't know... I like to consider myself as a very healthy and well-rounded or mature adult. It isn't my job to change the values of other people. If somebody has different values than myself, at this given moment, I'm not going to sit on my hands and knees for their sake hoping they'll come along and we'll be happily ever after. Yeah....... No. There's always somebody else whose on the same page as me, today, and it shouldn't matter what their past is like. Every mature adult should find the strength within themselves to pursue a relationship with someone of similar values. Just stay positive about meeting like-minded individuals. They do exist. That sort of thinking is all that I would like to encourage. What irks me is when people speak of "values" and attach a negative connotation with people who have had FWB's or any form of casual sex... They say " I have a different set of values" as if to say " I have a better moral compass" or " my VALUES are better than yours" The thing is, I WANT to find the right guy and have sex when I deeply in love with them. That would be IDEAL. However, it takes a long time to meet someone who you have a spark with, chemistry with, and where there is just something about them that makes you want to pursue a relationship! And ASSUMING they want the same thing as you, and you're both compatible long term:lmao: It is HARD to TRULY meet the right person! Personally, my system is: I recruit a FWB who I casually date, who I lay in bed and cuddle with all night, and who CARES about me. I casually date or FWB. With a person who treats me wonderfully. I do this because I do not go out to clubs or bars and pick up for ONS. Tried it, it did not feel the last bit gratifying. I got no pleasure whatsoever from the sex with strangers. It sickened me actually and made me feel alone and uncomfortable. I don't beat myself up about it, it just isn't who I am. I did not enjoy these encounters. I have the same values when it comes to what my GOALS are; sex with a loving partner for as long as possible, as I hope it lasts! In the meanwhile I pick one or two guys who I cuddle and get close to, and who I have sex with. I tend to have these guys for a year at a time, just one or sometimes two guys per year. That is all. Nothing disgusting or filthy sounding. I wouldn't really say my values are that much different insofar as my preference when it comes to sex, and my ability to be faithful and a loving partner are THE SAME as you and guys who ONLY date women who save sex for relationships. I crave cuddles. I love to be cuddled in bed at night, it is lovely, I am just that sort of person. I want to enjoy this aspect of life with a person who likes and cares about me, while I wait for the right guy to come along. I appreciate you listening to my side of the story. We are not so different in a way; we want the same things, I just choose to not remain abstinent in the meanwhile:lmao:
ThatMan Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) Hey Leigh 87, I need to run out of the door in about ten minutes so pardon the hasty response. You seem to be making the decision to simply do whatever works best for you. I believe that's a healthy and mature way to live. People need to discover who they are and what they want out of a relationship. That actually takes work and the willingness to be confident in yourself. You seem pretty confident in yourself with the understanding of what it is you want out of a relationship. So the next time you come across as judgmental jerk, you'll hopefully be secure in the knowledge that there's better people out there. As for one value being somehow 'better' then another, that's just tasteless. People are simply different. That's why I will not do anything more than suggest that people should respect themselves and their own happiness in a relationship. So I think we should be considerate of ourselves and actually aim for the sort of relationship that we want. Just because I avoid friends with benefits like a plague, because these relationships always seem to lead to drama in my experience, does not make me better or worse than anyone else. It only means that I'm doing what makes me happy. You are no different. I know finding the right person is hard but I'm sure it'll happen. Edited October 8, 2013 by ThatMan
Leigh 87 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) Yes, the empty feeling afterward. I have a friend who has casual sex lots, he says that the empty feeling never gos. Like the day after drinking or drugs. Maybe its to do with the casual sex or not, but I can't help noticing that my friend is a lot emptier in general, than he was when he was in a fulfilling relationship. Casual sex is basically a contract that says, 'I don't view you as long term relationship material, but I'm happy to do the most intimate thing known to humanity with you, so that I feel good for a little while.' That is pretty heartless if you think about it, probably why there's such an empty feeling afterwards. That's not how it IS at all, for people like me who respect themselves. The FWB I have DO view me as relationship material; they view me as just as worthy and desirable in attributes as the women they DO fall in love with. The thing is, you just can't fall IN love with just any person! Yet, at the same time, my FWB find me every bit as attractive, intelligent and nice ad the girls they do end up being with. The difference is, we do not fall in love. It DOES NOT mean we view each other as not as good in qualities and attributes as the women they get into relationships with. Sometimes the capacity to fall in love is there actually with my FWB and I, but for whatever reason, we both just want FWB right now. The last FWB and I regard each other with DEEP affection. Good friends, we met overseas, we talk to each other about our most personal issues we are facing in life. We had feelings somewhat, but I we both just wanted no strings fun. He had a girl he ended up with he met prior to me that he ended up going with, but he found it hard to leave me as he had feelings there to. Please don't assume that casual encounters are meaningless. I helped my FWB grow up, as he calls it, and we have a deep affection for one another. He messaged me every day and we talked daily and still do mostly months later, even though we no longer fornicate:lmao: That " contract" you speak of depends on the kind of people involved... Case 1: guy meets girl at a bar or club. She goes home with him and gives it up easy. That turns him off, and he is not that into her anyways, and, even if he WAS, the fact she was easy rules her out as a relationship prospect. They never speak again but hook up again randomly when they come across each other in town. Case 2: Leigh 87 is AVOIDING relationships for a few months to a year, and in the meanwhile she really enjoys cuddling up to people and being physically intimate with certain people, not even for sex necessarily. It is just in her personality to do so. She likes expressing her feelings through cuddles occasionally. She recruits a guy who treats her like a princess and who genuinely likes her, to satisfy her sexual needs, to cuddle her at night and provide her with positive things she seeks in life; fun, happiness and physical closeness. He likes her enough to date hypothetically, insofar as she is hot enough funny enough and is enough of a decent girl for him to date and compared to his other dates. Leigh doesn't want a relationship right now and he doesn't really believe in relationships either, unless the "one" comes along. Both people like each other as PEOPLE enough to date each other, but something is missing that compels both parties to feel that they are the "one" for each other. ............ My FWB are sort of like pseudo relationships or casual dating if you will, in some aspects. Some people just aren't ready to enter into relationships and casual suits them better for the time being. Nothing to do with their casual partner of choice not living up to their standards. Edited October 8, 2013 by Leigh 87 1
hestheone66 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 if you meet a woman you like, and after getting to know her, and she knows your views on premature intimacy, and many parts of her character accord with what you value in a partner, there is no reason to speak of her or your sexual past.. it will possibly create anxiety in you that is not necessary. As long as her view from now onwards is that she will be exclusive and go at a mutually acceptable pace for physical intimacy there is no problem. Please don't create a problem that simply is not there. as other posters have mentioned, the way we are sexually may depend on circumstances and maturity (not saying if one way is better than another) I fully appreciate the pros and cons of both positions, not just in theory but because I adapt my sexual practices and values to the situations i find myself in.
MalachiX Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Yes, the empty feeling afterward. I have a friend who has casual sex lots, he says that the empty feeling never gos. Like the day after drinking or drugs. Maybe its to do with the casual sex or not, but I can't help noticing that my friend is a lot emptier in general, than he was when he was in a fulfilling relationship. Casual sex is basically a contract that says, 'I don't view you as long term relationship material, but I'm happy to do the most intimate thing known to humanity with you, so that I feel good for a little while.' That is pretty heartless if you think about it, probably why there's such an empty feeling afterwards. Yeah. The problem is that relationships take a lot of time and energy and (in some of our cases) are hard to come by. It's a shame that I'm already considering having another ONS mainly because I really don't have the time for a relationship, I want to focus on myself for a little bit, but I'm still rather sex/cuddle-starved (cuddling's important for guys also!) Personally, I miss having quick one-month relationships. Those were fun because there would be sex and cuddling but not the sad empty feeling afterwards. I feel like I want to start up an online dating site called "sex and cuddling." Hell, I think I might just want to start up a pure cuddling one actually. I'd probably be more satisfied.
Bubberfly Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'm not into having sex with a woman outside of a relationship, meaning I only sleep with women I trust, respect and have very strong feelings for. However I'm aware that this is not the widely held attitude that my generation has towards sex, and it's really starting to bum me out. I just can't bring myself to have a one night stand or casual sex. I'm not judging those who do, but I'm just not that guy. It really feels like I'm alone in this situation... I know someone's sexual past experiences doesn't define them, but I can't shake the idea that this attitude indicates how they value relationships, sex and themselves. I can't see how this accepted pattern would work towards sustaining a long-term stable commitment or marriage... As I think about my future, I find myself wondering what the odds are of finding a woman who shares my views and sexual history? Is it a small minority or are these women out there somewhere? This is me. I'm in my late 20s. I've had three LTRs and have slept with only the guys I was in a relationship with. I have no interest in any casual sex. The idea of it isn't interesting to me, and I plan to keep my mindset about things. Personally, I prefer guys with limited partners (I.e., no more than 10). I'm not going to turn my back on the right person who may have fooled around, but any guy I'm with better know I'm not a person to have a fling with. I assure you, you're not alone in your thinking. The fact that you readily admit it is commendable. I'm sure there's tons of folks by you who feel the same way, but are just bogged down by the rest of us to fool around, we keep are preferences to ourselves.
crederer Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I prefer sex while in a comitted relationship but I do have ONS simply because I like sex. I usually feel bad afterwards, though.
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