Not into Casual Sex...

[bloor]

I'm not into having sex with a woman outside of a relationship, meaning I only sleep with women I trust, respect and have very strong feelings for.

 

However I'm aware that this is not the widely held attitude that my generation has towards sex, and it's really starting to bum me out.

 

I just can't bring myself to have a one night stand or casual sex. I'm not judging those who do, but I'm just not that guy. It really feels like I'm alone in this situation...

 

I know someone's sexual past experiences doesn't define them, but I can't shake the idea that this attitude indicates how they value relationships, sex and themselves. I can't see how this accepted pattern would work towards sustaining a long-term stable commitment or marriage...

 

As I think about my future, I find myself wondering what the odds are of finding a woman who shares my views and sexual history? Is it a small minority or are these women out there somewhere?

[soccerrprp]

I'm not into having sex with a woman outside of a relationship, meaning I only sleep with women I trust, respect and have very strong feelings for.

 

However I'm aware that this is not the widely held attitude that my generation has towards sex, and it's really starting to bum me out.

 

I just can't bring myself to have a one night stand or casual sex. I'm not judging those who do, but I'm just not that guy. It really feels like I'm alone in this situation...

 

I know someone's sexual past experiences doesn't define them, but I can't shake the idea that this attitude indicates how they value relationships, sex and themselves. I can't see how this accepted pattern would work towards sustaining a long-term stable commitment or marriage...

 

As I think about my future, I find myself wondering what the odds are of finding a woman who shares my views and sexual history? Is it a small minority or are these women out there somewhere?

 

Of course they're out there! How old are you?

 

Yes, there are women who have the same values. You're not alone.

[bloor]

I'm in my late 20's and I live in a large metropolitan city where the norm with people around my age seems to be sleeping around.

 

It's almost as if I don't know how to navigate dating and relationships at all anymore since I hold this attitude, and it seems alien to people.

 

What really started my thoughts on this were when I started a relationship with someone recently, she wondered why it took me so long to sleep with her and I honestly told her I felt it was a bit rushed.

 

She has had many past experiences, one night stands, and a much more open attitude towards sex that I'm having trouble coming to terms with.

[mammasita]

You are definitely NOT alone. It kind of makes me ill to think of having sex without any emotion involved.

 

I can't lie though, if you would have asked me in my 20's I would have had a completely different answer......BUT - with that said, it's not a rarity regardless of age.

[Keenly]

I'm right there with you OP.

[bloor]

Thank you for your answers. I guess I am most conflicted with how to deal with my current relationship, as I'm not sure my girlfriend values sex in the same way that I do. I don't know how to bring it up in a way that will either hurt her by making her question her past experiences or scare her since my feelings are different to her own.

[HorseLuck]

I feel the same as you and am around the age range. The guys I've dated tend to respect that. Helps to show your loyalty and commitment. I'm a bit afraid I won't find someone with similar values again.

 

I don't know that there's a right way to word it, you just have to be honest. Does it bother you that she doesn't have the same values?

[tlegend]

I think it's quite remarkable to have such a viewpoint on this topic. Society has definitely changed through the generations, and although sexuality has always been somewhat taboo to discuss, it's still part of our lives, even more so when the media shines it in the spotlight.

 

I believe there are women who show the same values, and you are correct that the societal norm has shifted from what it once was.

 

Best of luck in your search and I know you'll be very happy when you find her.

[bloor]

It does bother me right now, as I'm not sure how much I trust her now. I feel awful to admit that. I also feel that in being with her I am betraying myself.

 

I also feel that she is viewing our being together as less intimate and more physical, by which I mean detached from our relationship. I guess these are questions I have to bring up.

[KathyM]

I know several people, both men and women, who have the same attitude than you. Not interested in casual sex. And they come in all walks of life and faith. Some are religious, some are lukewarm, some agnostic, and some atheist. People who share your view are definitely out there, you just have to be both patient and proactive to find them. You are not likely to find them in bars or clubs, although I do know some who go to those venues but are not interested in casual sex. Just keep looking, and putting yourself out there, and get involved in life, and you will find someone who shares your attitudes/beliefs.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Then prepared to be friendzoned/nice guy'd by a lot of women...because for many women if you aren't pursuing them or engaging them sexually right off the bat (within 3 dates) they'll think you're uninterested or don't find them attractive.

 

I know the "nice guys" hate to lose the battle out there versus the jerks who stick it in just about anything but the reality is the less you care the more successful you will be...because most young women are insecure and in desperate need of validation and attention and will eventually crumble to any douchebag who's good looking, has some confidence and is aggressive enough to want to get in their pants, and honestly even if the guy is not being aggressive they'll pursue him because they still need that validation that they're sexy/attractive enough to be screwed...it's only after being put through the ringer do they realize that it's not fulfilling them in the way they wanted because none of these dudes are actually sticking around or "working out", they're all just licking the honey, talking a big game but then moving on to another girl increasing their "game" as they go along the way, feigning serious relationship potential, and doing the normal BS of genuine care, respect and emotion. Guys in their 30's still do this and older.

 

Plus women want to have sex as well and they become more comfortable as they get older with it, but many also tend to think/hope it's going to develop into something more...they're ok with spreading their legs for someone new as long as they like the guy and think he's got potential even though they know next to nothing about him...they think that love/romance is going to blossom out of all like in a romantic novel but at the end of the day a lot of them have issues, and that's what generally draws them towards the wrong kind of men in the first place, rather than men who are actually stable and looking for something serious...people that don't have issues don't attract people with them and vice versa.

 

So it's all about issues out there in the dating world and unfortunately a lot of people got them in heavy doses...can you find someone who's a bit more conservative and needs more time to develop intimacy? sure, but they're usually not there standing with the other ladies, you'll have to find them in the shadows...they're usually focused on other things like their career, work, family or other interests, those women tend to be more stable and independent in their lives finding fulfillment in other ways than men, and not really at the dating forefront.

 

I'm not even saying you're not a guy with issues, by all means you could be full of shet and just don't know how much of a jerk you really can be once you grow up or throw your hands in there and say f@ck it, I'm tired of being this nice guy and lacking confidence...I'm going to go out there and act like an @sshole and watch it work with dysfunctional women and then your own issues will come to the surface.

 

Because the reality is, many "nice guys" just aren't developed into their own being yet, they just lack the confidence. And if you're looking for this "fairytale" romance of the perfect girl, that's conservative, respectful, shy but nurturing and trustworthy and all of that...just the most wonderful thing since sliced bread your expectations are going to be too high and unrealistic, the reality is everyone's got problems and there are always variables and the good and the bad with real life people.

 

But yes, they are out there...look harder, look in different places, stay away from the clubs/bars, the worst ones are probably at church

[ScienceGal]

Thank you for your answers. I guess I am most conflicted with how to deal with my current relationship, as I'm not sure my girlfriend values sex in the same way that I do. I don't know how to bring it up in a way that will either hurt her by making her question her past experiences or scare her since my feelings are different to her own.

 

I am the same as you (though early 30s and female).

 

My most recent ex viewed sex differently than I do. While he prefers a committed relationship, he's also had his share of purely physical/sexual experiences. He also made it clear that he's quick to rebound after a breakup. It made me feel uncomfortable to hear him talk about it. I felt less special, and as though the commitment I was making ran deeper than his. But, what I realized was that this was just a small part of a larger problem: true incompatibility.

 

It's not that he didn't care as much, or that I was giving more. The problems continued to unfold because he saw many aspects of the relationship in a different way than I did. For example, I yearned to be treated kindly and to feel safe, but he considered that wanting unconditional love. I responded that I just want a love I can understand. I wanted to feel good, and I didn't. We are too different.

 

Aside from physical intimacy, how is the relationship? What other issues are you facing?

[HorseLuck]

It does bother me right now, as I'm not sure how much I trust her now. I feel awful to admit that. I also feel that in being with her I am betraying myself.

 

I also feel that she is viewing our being together as less intimate and more physical, by which I mean detached from our relationship. I guess these are questions I have to bring up.

 

So you're considering this a deal breaker and don't know how to word it, or are you hoping to come to some sort of compromise from this talk?

[giblesp]

I am also the same, but wasn't always. I also wasn't into kissing strange girls anymore. Just happened that way really.

 

It might be rare to meet a woman who has never had casual experiences, but you might meet one who's had a few and is now looking for a more profound connection.

[WhiteButton]

Maybe i am more progressive in my thinking on the sex thing, but i really dont see what the big deal if two people come together they like each other and have some fun and everybody is happy.

 

I was involved with a girl for last 6 months, we started initially dating and ended up as FWB. It was great, we would meet after work etc. do our thing and everybody would go their ways.

 

I also respect people that want to take slower approach and build it up, that is fine too. I guess what i am trying to say is it doesnt matter ether way if somebody sleeps causally or prefer to have a relationship, as long as both people are having fun.

[Phantom888]

OP, there are certainly many men and women out there that share your views. Don't be bummed out thinking most people are into flings. That's not the case. I am 39 years old, and have dated a lot of people. I find that it is easier to find a woman who is NOT into casual sex, than a man. You will likely click with women who share similar attitudes or values.

[Blastoplast]

I like casual sex, there's nothing wrong with it. But sex with somebody you're emotionally connected to is far more satisfying and exciting.

[deathandtaxes]

I like casual sex, there's nothing wrong with it. But sex with somebody you're emotionally connected to is far more satisfying and exciting.

 

Agreed!! Casual sex F U N

 

Sex with somebody you love = mindless effin crazy!

[ThatMan]

With all due respect, it shouldn't matter whether or not other people think casual sex is fun. What matters to me is how I feel. If I prefer to only have sex in committed relationships then I should also have the confidence within myself to pursue my own inclination of doing things. If another woman had different values than myself then I begin to question the reasons why I would even want to be in a relationship with her. Because the reality is that there are many different people in the world. There's always going to be somebody else who does have similar values to what I believe in.

 

I'm not telling you what to do bloor. This is just how I do things for myself. I have complete faith in your ability to sort through your conflicted feelings and create an answer that's good for you.

Edited October 7, 2013 by ThatMan
added clarification

[MalachiX]

I've always had an odd relationship with casual sex.

 

For years I thought I really wanted. I'd be single and see a lot of friends who managed to have casual things and I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Whenever I'd get in a position to actually have casual sex, I'd someone mess it up. I'd make out with women, hook up in "other ways" without penetration, but I'd always find some excuse to stop before we went all the way (I'd say this wasn't the right place, she was too drunk, I wasn't sure if my condom was still in good shape, ect.) If you'd asked me what I thought about casual sex during these years, I'd say, "It's great but I can't get it!"

 

Recently (I'm in my late 20s too); I had a few one night stands and I was surprised to find that I may not be a fan of casual sex after all. Don't get me wrong, I liked the sex, but I didn't really like the aftermath. I also began to realize that the reason why I kept finding excuses before was because part of me really didn't want to sleep with someone I didn't trust. These last few times when I've managed to have a one night stand I've had to have been pretty drunk to not worry about that.

 

I'm actually not sure if I want to have any more one night stands. I still love the sex but I can't help but feel kinda empty the next day. Of course, I don't mean to sound like I'm judging any one who does have lots of casual sex (in fact, I'm curious how they avoid the empty feeling).

 

I guess what i'm saying is that there are a lot of men and women who feel the way you do. I think the biggest mistake a lot of people in your situation make is that they feel self concsious about it which makes things harder. The great thing about getting to your late 20s (I think) is that you stop caring what other people think. There's a lot of women who will find it very cool that a guy is confident in admitting he wants more than sex.

[Keenly]

No one is saying its not fun. I also wouldn't say no just because she said she didn't want any strings attached. Its just its impossible for me to have frequent sex without getting feelings .

[Leigh 87]

I have been into casual sex at times; mostly after my recent break up, when I was emotionally a wreck and hated myself for it.

 

However, I do have one solid FWB in between long term relationships, though we are pretty much like a relationship without strong romantic feelings; we value and respect each other.

 

 

You would discount a women like me because you are weary of my value of sex and relationships and myself?

 

I love having a long term partner. I never feel the urge to get out there and try new guys on for size in my long term relationships. My guy is all I can think about.

 

I also value myself and hold myself in high regard, albeit I do have self esteem issues but who doesn't?

 

I only allow myself to sleep with men who value me; sadly, I had to learn the hard way that this is who I am, through having a few casual encounters with men I did not know or care about and vice versa. I felt crap about myself and now never do it and never will.

 

People make mistakes and you could be wrongly judging a girl like me, who you fall hard for and who REALLY values relationship, themselves and intimacy in THE EXACT SAME way you do! Except they have a past.

 

A women's sexual past doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their CURRENT self worth.

 

I agree that women who spread their legs for men they have met for just one night, and they do it over and over again, and they do not need a man to earn her respect, may not be most decent mens up of tea.

 

However, not all women who have slept around for a brief period in their lives have low self worth, or self worth that is any different to women who HAVE NOT slept around.

 

I don't sleep around. At all. Plenty of hot guys about trying to but ... it irks me, as I am at a stage in life where I need emotionally attachment and romantic feelings to have sex!

 

I have slept around though for a period of a few months. I hated it mostly. It's not who I am so I stopped, putting it down to me going through a tough time in life after my much loved ex left me.

 

 

Don't be so quick to judge people who you could fall madly in love with and have a great relationship with.

[Leigh 87]

With all due respect, it shouldn't matter whether or not other people think casual sex is fun. What matters to me is how I feel. If I prefer to only have sex in committed relationships then I should also have the confidence within myself to pursue my own inclination of doing things. If another woman had different values than myself then I begin to question the reasons why I would even want to be in a relationship with her. Because the reality is that there are many different people in the world. There's always going to be somebody else who does have similar values to what I believe in.

 

I'm not telling you what to do bloor. This is just how I do things for myself. I have complete faith in your ability to sort through your conflicted feelings and create an answer that's good for you.

 

 

 

Not all women that have had casual sex, still do engage in it.

 

I am a relationship girl, yet after my break up in May, I was left heartbroken and I went to Europe/Russia and had casual sex 2 or 3 times.

 

That is no indication as to how I live my every day life or how I value myself now; obviously I felt very crappy after the ONS and realised I NEVER wanted to do it again, because I value myself too much to let a guy who I do not know and respect have me..

 

Peoples values change. Just keep that in mind!

[ThatMan]

Not all women that have had casual sex, still do engage in it.

 

I am a relationship girl, yet after my break up in May, I was left heartbroken and I went to Europe/Russia and had casual sex 2 or 3 times.

 

That is no indication as to how I live my every day life or how I value myself now; obviously I felt very crappy after the ONS and realised I NEVER wanted to do it again, because I value myself too much to let a guy who I do not know and respect have me..

 

Peoples values change. Just keep that in mind!

 

Hi there Leigh 87, good to hear from you.

 

I'm just going through my usual morning routine on this incredible Tuesday morning when I so happened to come across your response. Allow me to add that I'm not in the business of criticizing other people. I'm also positive that nobody will bother going out of their way to say bad things about you just because you had a few one night stands. So I do sincerely hope that you've been easy on yourself. Sorry to hear that you've felt pretty crappy after the fact, though, and I hope you are willing to take the time to acknowledge that you are only human and there's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there to explore new things. Now you know that one night stands aren't right for you. You can now move on with your life and be a better person for it.

 

I don't know...

I like to consider myself as a very healthy and well-rounded or mature adult. It isn't my job to change the values of other people. If somebody has different values than myself, at this given moment, I'm not going to sit on my hands and knees for their sake hoping they'll come along and we'll be happily ever after. Yeah....... No. There's always somebody else whose on the same page as me, today, and it shouldn't matter what their past is like.

 

Every mature adult should find the strength within themselves to pursue a relationship with someone of similar values. Just stay positive about meeting like-minded individuals. They do exist.

That sort of thinking is all that I would like to encourage.

[giblesp]

I've always had an odd relationship with casual sex.

 

For years I thought I really wanted. I'd be single and see a lot of friends who managed to have casual things and I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Whenever I'd get in a position to actually have casual sex, I'd someone mess it up. I'd make out with women, hook up in "other ways" without penetration, but I'd always find some excuse to stop before we went all the way (I'd say this wasn't the right place, she was too drunk, I wasn't sure if my condom was still in good shape, ect.) If you'd asked me what I thought about casual sex during these years, I'd say, "It's great but I can't get it!"

 

Recently (I'm in my late 20s too); I had a few one night stands and I was surprised to find that I may not be a fan of casual sex after all. Don't get me wrong, I liked the sex, but I didn't really like the aftermath. I also began to realize that the reason why I kept finding excuses before was because part of me really didn't want to sleep with someone I didn't trust. These last few times when I've managed to have a one night stand I've had to have been pretty drunk to not worry about that.

 

I'm actually not sure if I want to have any more one night stands. I still love the sex but I can't help but feel kinda empty the next day. Of course, I don't mean to sound like I'm judging any one who does have lots of casual sex (in fact, I'm curious how they avoid the empty feeling).

 

I guess what i'm saying is that there are a lot of men and women who feel the way you do.

 

Yes, the empty feeling afterward. I have a friend who has casual sex lots, he says that the empty feeling never gos. Like the day after drinking or drugs.

Maybe its to do with the casual sex or not, but I can't help noticing that my friend is a lot emptier in general, than he was when he was in a fulfilling relationship.

 

Casual sex is basically a contract that says, 'I don't view you as long term relationship material, but I'm happy to do the most intimate thing known to humanity with you, so that I feel good for a little while.' That is pretty heartless if you think about it, probably why there's such an empty feeling afterwards.