AverageCat Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Long story short: - Gf wants to see me every day. Has gotten too comfortable and does not want to do anything else besides hang out with me. - I feel like she keeps expecting me to make plans. I'm more of a "go with the flow" type of guy. She always keeps asking, what are we doing. Are we going out, where are we going.... and I feel like I'm getting too pressured into providing a good time. - These things aside she's has a ton of qualities I like For the longer story of what happened So basically, I'm in an R with an absolutely great girl. She loves me, takes care of me, is very sweet, etc. She has a lot of qualities I look for into a woman and I am happy about that. Now to cut it short lately I feel like we have been hanging out way too much. Almost every day... It's becoming exhausting (given that we also have sex every time we see each other). Lately a bunch of her friends have moved away or gotten married so she doesn't have the best social life. On the weekend her roommate also left so she pretty much told me we'd get to spend all the weekend together at her place, since she had nothing else to do. It slowly became suffocating when she wanted to hang out with me all the time and even when I was telling her I need some hours to go to my place and grab food / clean / chill, I would notice she was slightly sad. So basically what happened was she kept asking me when I would come back and what the plan was. I kept telling her Idk, we'll see. And at the end seeing her sad I told her I would try to get back at 4-5. **** hit the fan when I got back to her place at 7 and she literally blew up at me for lying to her and not respecting her. I understood she was annoyed since like I said she had nothing to do the whole day, but that was not my fault. I was like wtf, I'm trying to make you happy all weekend and this is how you repay me. I got really really pissed, I was about to break up with her. But then again the day after while we were chilling I just straight up told her that we should see each other less often so we appreciate each others time more. She said OK at first, but then kept on ranting about how she didn't want to have to think about what to do. If she felt like seeing me she wanted to see me. If she felt like seeing me every day then why not, as she was getting something good out of it. I kept explaining to her that we should have a bit of a life outside each other. What do I do???
WhiteButton Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think you are doing the right thing. I dont think you are asking to much by saying you want some space. How long have you guys been dating? I am the same way i cant stand it if i am expected to be with girl everyday and spend every moment of my free time with her. I think keep communicating with her and drive the point home that you need to be able to spend some time on your own doing what ever you do in your free time. Also let her know you want to hang out with her too and work out a balance between gf and other stuff you got going on. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Yeah, you definitely need to let her know your needs on this. The problem is that she doesn't have her own sphere of interests and friends and looks to you to fulfill her needs to be entertained. Some "me" time for both is crucial and when and if you marry, this will be absolutely paramount. She simple needs to understand this. Good luck.
todreaminblue Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 spending time 24 7 with your girlfriend or boy friend is not really realistic and it is understandable you want some time to yourself....to hang out with mates or just relax by yourself for a while......quality time instead of quantity...your life shouldnt stop when you are with someone it should be enhanced.....might have to juggle occasionally and reschedule so you do get that time together......but it doesnt have to be 24 7 all day every day...people do need time to reflect and to think on their own for a while cultivate interests other than what interests are shared...hobbies friends family..something a bit different to discuss....you did the right thing by talking to her about this...now just implement it...deb
clia Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Yeah, you have to assert your boundaries on this, and try to not let it get to you if she gets "sad" or whatever. The alternatives are breaking up or you being miserable. She'll have to get over her sadface. That's manipulating, selfish behavior that does not take into account reality or what you want out of the relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to see her every day, and to have enough alone time for yourself. If she can't understand that you need to go home to clean up, run errands, chill, whatever, that is pretty crazy. It's not your job to make sure she is entertained 24x7. You can be nice about it, but be consistent. Let her know in advance. (For example, if you only want to spend a few hours with her, tell her that up front, so it doesn't come as a shock when you tell her you are going to take off.) As to a couple of your other points: - I feel like she keeps expecting me to make plans. I'm more of a "go with the flow" type of guy. She always keeps asking, what are we doing. Are we going out, where are we going.... and I feel like I'm getting too pressured into providing a good time. How long have you been together? I think you should push some of this back on her if you've been together awhile. There's no reason why she can't come up with something to do. If she says "What are we doing," you say "I don't know, what do you want to do? Why don't you decide today?" So basically what happened was she kept asking me when I would come back and what the plan was. I kept telling her Idk, we'll see. And at the end seeing her sad I told her I would try to get back at 4-5. **** hit the fan when I got back to her place at 7 and she literally blew up at me for lying to her and not respecting her. Did you say 4-5 because you felt like that's what she wanted to hear? If so, don't do that. Say what realistic time you expect yourself to get back. At minimum you probably should have texted or called her to let you know you were going to be late. I think you need to be comfortable being honest in a relationship. If you wanted more time to yourself, you should tell her. I have to do this with my boyfriend sometimes. He'll be over in the morning, and then be getting ready to leave and say "Oh, I'll be back at 6ish." And I'll say..."How about more like 8?" Sometimes you just want the time -- I get it. But then again the day after while we were chilling I just straight up told her that we should see each other less often so we appreciate each others time more. She said OK at first, but then kept on ranting about how she didn't want to have to think about what to do. If she felt like seeing me she wanted to see me. If she felt like seeing me every day then why not, as she was getting something good out of it. I kept explaining to her that we should have a bit of a life outside each other. This seems really selfish of her. She doesn't seem to be taking what you want into consideration at all. Did you bring that up? She's ignoring that you don't necessarily want to have to see her every day, and want to be able to go and do your own thing sometimes. The reality is that she does need to figure out a life outside of you. What does she say when you tell her that she should have a life outside of you?
Author AverageCat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Yeah, you definitely need to let her know your needs on this. The problem is that she doesn't have her own sphere of interests and friends and looks to you to fulfill her needs to be entertained. Some "me" time for both is crucial and when and if you marry, this will be absolutely paramount. She simple needs to understand this. Good luck. Yeah, I've been trying to make her understand this, but it's a bit hard now seeing as she doesn't have her own "sphere of interests" and "friends" and I need to choose my wording carefully as saying "You have no friends / interests - get some" is a bit harsh. She's become way too dependent on me. She's dependent on me to do her main hobby (play tennis) since all her tennis friends moved away and she doesnt have other friends who want to play. I go with her it's fun. She's dependent on me to plan activities. She's dependent on me to go to the gym right now (she has no gym near her new place) She's even dependent on me to watch movies. (Her internet provider sucks). She's dependent on me to provide her music. She's so passive and reserved and part of this feels good. I want someone who is a bit passive and a bit reserved and who needs to get provided by me the big bad male (i.e. in my eyes that shows femininity), I'm not gonna lie, a bit of dependency feels good... but it's just becoming too much.
KatZee Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think you just need to be straight with her. No one is able to have their own life if their partner is so needy, clingy and co-dependent on the other. I'm a pretty independent person and I once had a boyfriend that NEEDED to see me every single day and every single second. I was miserable. What she needs to do is cultivate her own interests, and start some new hobbies or things. She can check out Meetup.com, or she could try and reconnect with old friends, or simply just make plans with the married friends. Their married- not in jail. I think you need to go on a day to day basis. If you wake up one day and you want to work out and just relax--- tell her so. Don't tell her that you'll be around at 4-5pm. Just say you have things you need to do, and you'll call her that evening. Or if you see her for a few hours in the afternoon, tell her you then have plans with your boys, or your family, and that you'll see her the next day, or even the day after that. I think you've kind of set a precedent by hanging out with her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY and never taking time for yourself. Now she's comfortable and thinks you're there every second. I think if you start pulling back, and re-establishing your own life, she may start to do the same in order to fill the holes of time she doesn't see you. 1
Author AverageCat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Very good reply. I'll go into more detail Yeah, you have to assert your boundaries on this, and try to not let it get to you if she gets "sad" or whatever. The alternatives are breaking up or you being miserable. She'll have to get over her sadface. That's manipulating, selfish behavior that does not take into account reality or what you want out of the relationship. Again this is one of my faults - where it's really hard for me to see her sad. I absolutely love this girl and I'd honestly do anything for her. And if I know that me leaving will make her sad, I'll try to stay, even though I might compromise a bit other parts of my life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to see her every day, and to have enough alone time for yourself. If she can't understand that you need to go home to clean up, run errands, chill, whatever, that is pretty crazy. It's not your job to make sure she is entertained 24x7. You can be nice about it, but be consistent. Let her know in advance. (For example, if you only want to spend a few hours with her, tell her that up front, so it doesn't come as a shock when you tell her you are going to take off.) Yes again, it's a bit my fault too. I need to be more cut clear on things.. How long have you been together? I think you should push some of this back on her if you've been together awhile. There's no reason why she can't come up with something to do. If she says "What are we doing," you say "I don't know, what do you want to do? Why don't you decide today?" If I ask her back, she says "I don't care. I just wanna do things with you." Did you say 4-5 because you felt like that's what she wanted to hear? If so, don't do that. Say what realistic time you expect yourself to get back. At minimum you probably should have texted or called her to let you know you were going to be late. I think you need to be comfortable being honest in a relationship. If you wanted more time to yourself, you should tell her. I have to do this with my boyfriend sometimes. He'll be over in the morning, and then be getting ready to leave and say "Oh, I'll be back at 6ish." And I'll say..."How about more like 8?" Sometimes you just want the time -- I get it. I said 4-5 because that's what she wanted to hear (she at first wanted me not to go at all), and the way I said it was more like "yeah maybe I can try to do this", not in a "5 sharp we're doing this this and this". So more in a way, "I'll try to make time, but no promises". I blame it on communication fault. This seems really selfish of her. She doesn't seem to be taking what you want into consideration at all. Did you bring that up? She's ignoring that you don't necessarily want to have to see her every day, and want to be able to go and do your own thing sometimes. The reality is that she does need to figure out a life outside of you. What does she say when you tell her that she should have a life outside of you? Well she feels as though "I'm not into her as much as she's into me", since I don't wanna see her all the time. She keeps saying how she's lost control of her feelings for me and she's so into me and sometimes she doesn't like being so out of control. I don't tell her that she should have a life... since that sounds a bit too harsh... But I've went around the subject and suggested that she should develop her own interests and things SHE WANTS TO DO.
Keenly Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 This happened to me in my last relationship. Started off fantastic. Then she graduated high school and she intentionally broke off all contact with her friends. I was the only thing left in her life. Hanging out every day was great at first, until pretty soon it became an expectation. Soon after that I was responsible for providing entertainment, always. I come home from a long day at work and I'm greeted with a face that basically says "please me." Little to no regard to my needs. That's whats happening here. She is expecting you to keep her occupied when she is the one who needs to do that for herself.
clia Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I understand how hard this can be. You don't want to hurt her feelings and it isn't that you don't want to see her. You just want your "you" time away from her. This can be difficult to convey to someone who isn't quite on the same wavelength...so you need to get her there through communication. You might even have to snap her into it by a big pull away. My boyfriend and I went through a phase of this, and I finally was able to pound it through his head that while I loved him, I needed more "me" time than he did. He gets it now and our relationship is awesome. While you love her, you can't compromise yourself or what you want because that is not going to be sustainable on a long term basis. You are already feeling smothered. Can you handle this forever? I think not. I like KatZee's suggestion about taking it one day at a time. Since you wanting alone time makes her feel insecure and you are cognizant of that, you should go above and beyond reassuring her that your feelings for her have not changed. You have admittedly brought some of this on yourself, though, so doing a pull back may be hard on her. And I can't stress enough that you have to be consistent about it. If you see her nonstop for an entire weekend, and then only a few hours the next weekend, and then for one night the next weekend, she is going to be confused and it may make her feel more insecure. You should decide for yourself how much time you generally want to spend with her. How many nights a week? How many sleepovers a week? All day Saturday, all day Sunday? Part of the day? You seem to like some of her dependence on you, but you have to give her a consistent message. All of these things can be dealt with through communication and pull back actions, but what of them are you okay with and what aren't you okay with? This list of ways she is dependent on you makes her sound like an unresourceful child, to be honest. She's dependent on me to do her main hobby (play tennis) since all her tennis friends moved away and she doesnt have other friends who want to play. I go with her it's fun. Surely there are tennis leagues or clubs around that she can join to find tennis partners. Maybe even Meetups. "Maybe you could play more often if you found a club..." She's dependent on me to plan activities. You stop this by ceasing to plan activities or by forcing her to make a decision. She's dependent on me to go to the gym right now (she has no gym near her new place) Does she have a car? Regardless of where the gym is located, she should be able to get over there by herself. Stop driving her. She's even dependent on me to watch movies. (Her internet provider sucks). Can't she get a new Internet provider or DVDs from Redbox? This doesn't make any sense to me at all. Doesn't she have a TV at her house with cable? Why can't she watch a movie without you? She's dependent on me to provide her music. Why? Stop providing it. Suggest she download her own music. If I ask her back, she says "I don't care. I just wanna do things with you." I would find this really annoying. The passive aggressive way to handle it is to say: "Well, I don't have any ideas, so I guess we'll just sit here on the couch." And then do that. Or you could proactively say to her "I would really appreciate it if you would come up with an idea of what we should do today." And if she can't...then I suppose maybe you have some cleaning and laundry to do at your house. I don't tell her that she should have a life... since that sounds a bit too harsh... It does...but does she need to hear harsh? She's obviously not getting it when you try to be nice about it. Sometimes blunt is necessary.
TigerCub Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I was that girl in my first real long term relationship. I was pretty new to Ottawa, and got a bf and we spent a lot of time together, and it was great, but then after a while, I actually got a lot more dependent on him being my company, and I would be upset if he couldn't spend time with me. It's pretty gross thinking that I was like that at a time, but I was young, 21 and it was my first real relationship and I didn't know better. Eventually we broke up and I had to venture out on my own and get some interests and make friends. Your girl will have to do it at some point, so I guess it's best for her to do it now to save the relationship and get some self esteem and interests, rather than out of necessity when you guys break up over this. I do think you should have a heart to heart with her and tell her that as much as you love hanging out with her, you don't want someone that is dependent on you for their happiness, and that you want it so that you guys are together because you want to be, not because you have to be. Encourage her to join some clubs and meetups that interest her. I'm sure that once she gets in the swing of things and feels more independent it will be great for the both of you. Good luck Edit: Oh and get her to switch internet providers, at least that will solve 1 problem.
FitChick Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 What are your ages? Does she go to school? Work?
Author AverageCat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Thanks everyone for the replies. It's nice to hear that a lot of people think along the same lines. We already had a small heart-to-heart talk. My future approach will be to take it one day at a time. I just have to keep being firm. It's really easy to forget this and just go with. "Oh well rather than chilling on my own I'll go and chill with her and I'll make an exception for today" when she asks me. But instead I need to stick by what I believe is best WITH NO EXCEPTIONS.
Author AverageCat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 What are your ages? Does she go to school? Work? Mid twenties. We both work (and get stressed from it). But no school to make our social life easy
soccerrprp Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Mid twenties. We both work (and get stressed from it). But no school to make our social life easy You BOTH get stressed from work. Ugh. She needs an outlet of activity and you would like to spend it alone, to yourself more. I'm in a relationship with a woman whose job is very stressful. My job is not. In fact, I don't consider my job a job b/c I love what I do. I tell her that she is lucky to be with someone who is passionate and happy with his job and she agrees. I also know and have gladly resigned to the fact that there are needs that she requires to remain "sane." She needs more down time, more quiet and "me" time and I am the perfect balance partner for her. I don't need nearly as much as she does, but I consider myself very independent as well. In order for our relationship to work and remain healthy, we must know and respect each other's needs. It's not a slight on the other to inform each other what is needed, including more time away from each other. Your gf needs to understand that you are doing what you are doing and asking for b/c it is the healthy option. That it benefits both of you. It may be a little of a downer for her at first, but make her see the LT benefits for both of you. Good luck. 1
Recommended Posts