Need some input - Two Women

[mbond5555]

Hi

Could do with a bit of advice from the great and good of loveshack!

 

So, two women...I know..

 

1. We dated/lived together 6 years ago, since then remained friends, she's had problems with her boyfriend, is unhappy and wants to move out. She's pretty much my best friend and I help her sometimes with money. We have discussed being together again and I think she feels it's almost automatic.

Best friend, but until the second girl game along, was thinking about being with her again. Problems before were that she cheated on me, lying extensively, and issues with her drinking and anger. Great as a friend, not sure how another relationship would go.

Don't want to lose her and I know she would struggle without my emotional and occasional financial support.

 

2. Not looking for her, but met a woman in a close by foreign country. So would be a long distance relationship to start. I have plans to move there anyway for work.

Instant connection, talked pretty much non stop over 2 dates on the weekend we met, several hours of chat, plenty in common, instant attraction. Haven't stopped chatting since I came back. Already seem to be developing a deep attraction.

 

Should say I'm 39 and the first woman wouldn't want to have children. Although I put it from my mind, as I get older I'm considering a more stable life more rather than running around the world having fun. The second lady is 29, and wants children, though there may be some medical issues ahead.

 

So I'm in a quandry, don't want to hurt the first lady or lose her friendship. Known her a long time. Maybe it could work with us again. Obviously we our very compatible on a friendship level but not sure about relationship.

 

Second one is unknown but signs point towards possibly a long term relationship, kids, marriage etc. POSSIBLY.

 

Any input would be appreciated. I didn't seek out this situation but now it sprung up on me I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks

[Feeorin]

What does your heart say?

 

Cos you are currently thinking from a logical standpoint (pro and cons list)...

[KathyM]

You need to set boundaries with the first woman, so she realizes a romantic relationship with her is not an option. If she talks about moving in, you have to make it clear that that isn't an option, and that you are dating others. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you would want to keep this ex in your life if she cheated on you. I would suggest, at the very least, distancing yourself from her dysfunction. When you give her money and act as a crutch, you are enabling her to not take responsibility for herself and enabling her to be dependent and dysfunctional. You may think you are helping her out, but really, you are enabling her dysfunction. Same thing if you were to allow her to move in to your place. You are enabling her irresponsibility. She needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for her actions and her choices. You need to stop rescuing her and preventing her from growing up. Set boundaries with her. Stop loaning her money. Don't let her move in with you.

[mbond5555]

Yes I know.....thinking with my heart has been difficult. Delayed posting here for some time.

 

On the one hand, I have an instant strong connection with the new lady that is probably as good as it gets, I'm old enough and wise enough to not be blinded by feelings but we could be very compatible and I do yearn to settle down and maybe try for a family again. Her style is very relaxed and happy. I've had some medical issues this year so a more settled life is important.

 

Then the first lady is more firey, unpredictable, a handful and not a gold digger but she's hurt me before. I do think she's calmed down as she's got older and does genuinely like or love me, but and here's the but I think I still have 1% of me that could't ever fully trust her and that would probably eat away at the relationship.

 

I'm really torn. My heart says that a relationship won't work with the 1st lady, too much water and problems before but we're so good as friends now and she is quite dependent on me it's difficut to put that at risk and to hurt her.

 

God so hard...

[mbond5555]

You need to set boundaries with the first woman, so she realizes a romantic relationship with her is not an option. If she talks about moving in, you have to make it clear that that isn't an option, and that you are dating others. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you would want to keep this ex in your life if she cheated on you. I would suggest, at the very least, distancing yourself from her dysfunction. When you give her money and act as a crutch, you are enabling her to not take responsibility for herself and enabling her to be dependent and dysfunctional. You may think you are helping her out, but really, you are enabling her dysfunction. Same thing if you were to allow her to move in to your place. You are enabling her irresponsibility. She needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for her actions and her choices. You need to stop rescuing her and preventing her from growing up. Set boundaries with her. Stop loaning her money. Don't let her move in with you.

 

Yeah I know you're right about that, old enough and dumb enough to know but difficult to put into practice. She asked me for money today and I told her no, she wasn't happy.

 

I guess I know deep down her attitude to men and money isn't great but I do think she's got a good heart with a messed up head rather than being a nasty person and that's hard to be cold and clinical with.

[KathyM]

Yeah I know you're right about that, old enough and dumb enough to know but difficult to put into practice. She asked me for money today and I told her no, she wasn't happy.

 

I guess I know deep down her attitude to men and money isn't great but I do think she's got a good heart with a messed up head rather than being a nasty person and that's hard to be cold and clinical with.

For her own good, as well as yours, you need to stop enabling her irresponsible dysfunctional behavior. You are not doing her any favors by continuing to be her crutch. In fact, the opposite is true. You are contributing to her dysfunction by bailing her out of life and being that crutch to her. She's not going to change if you keep enabling her.

[mbond5555]

For her own good, as well as yours, you need to stop enabling her irresponsible dysfunctional behavior. You are not doing her any favors by continuing to be her crutch. In fact, the opposite is true. You are contributing to her dysfunction by bailing her out of life and being that crutch to her. She's not going to change if you keep enabling her.

 

Yeah you're right. My thinking before I met this other woman was actually to tell her that I couldn't support her financially anymore but of course I would still be there as a friend and about a possible relationship that she needs to sort her life out, get properly single and then we can talk. That was kind of the plan but I'm bad at following through on it.

 

Any suggestions on how to phrase this? I really don't want to hurt her but although we never know what happens in the future I don't want to give her false hope.

[happywithlife]

I can't say that woman #2 would be the right match for you. Only time will answer that.

 

I can say, do not try to date woman #1 again! Even if she has a good heart, a person with issues like you are describing cannot enter into an equal relationship. You would get hurt in the long run. The best you can do for this person is to support them but not enable them.

 

If she asks for monetary help the answer should be no. You don't owe her an explanation. If she wants to hang out to drink and vent, that's not helping her either. If she approaches you and says she wants help and doesn't know where to turn, providing encouragement for bettering herself and a list of places to seek help is what you should provide.

 

If you form a relationship with woman #1 it will be toxic at this point. I would also ask you to consider stepping back and asking yourself if your friendship with this ex is part of the reason you are not in a LTR right now. Is the friendship so toxic that she prevents you from dating or does your friendship with her undermine relationships you have tried to form?

 

I know if a guy I was dating was trying to maintain a friendship with a toxic ex, I wouldn't be too keen on investing myself in a relationship with him.

[mbond5555]

I can't say that woman #2 would be the right match for you. Only time will answer that.

 

I can say, do not try to date woman #1 again! Even if she has a good heart, a person with issues like you are describing cannot enter into an equal relationship. You would get hurt in the long run. The best you can do for this person is to support them but not enable them.

 

If she asks for monetary help the answer should be no. You don't owe her an explanation. If she wants to hang out to drink and vent, that's not helping her either. If she approaches you and says she wants help and doesn't know where to turn, providing encouragement for bettering herself and a list of places to seek help is what you should provide.

 

If you form a relationship with woman #1 it will be toxic at this point. I would also ask you to consider stepping back and asking yourself if your friendship with this ex is part of the reason you are not in a LTR right now. Is the friendship so toxic that she prevents you from dating or your friendship with her undermines relationships you have tried to form.

 

I know if my boyfriend was trying to maintain a friendship with a toxic ex, I wouldn't be too keen on investing myself in a relationship with him.

 

Thanks for that, I think you are spot on, unfortunately, you sure you don't know us!

 

You are very right about the "equal relationship" and that's what I was struggling to remember. Lady number 2 seems to have all the right attributes and talks in the right way about wanting a future and partnership on the right terms of course with a compatible guy. Number 1 is more about a guy supporting her, and if I'm honest the times I've been sick or needed help it hasn't always been forthcoming.

 

It is the reason I haven't had an LTR for a few years. I did date someone locally for a few weeks and I'm 90% sure she sabotaged it. I'm generally a decent guy I think and I hate to hurt people but you are right, it would be and is toxic. She's wanted to keep me close for years but has been having a relationship with someone else, even though she moaned about him constantly. She's kept her friendship with me secret for six years. She's also put all the responsibility on me in terms of finances etc. to provide for her and her son if I wanted a relationship with her again, those are the only terms she would move out.

 

AT first I wanted that but now I agree with everything you have said, it's wrong to support her, I thought I was doing a good thing, but a relationship would explode very quickly I think.

[KathyM]

Yeah you're right. My thinking before I met this other woman was actually to tell her that I couldn't support her financially anymore but of course I would still be there as a friend and about a possible relationship that she needs to sort her life out, get properly single and then we can talk. That was kind of the plan but I'm bad at following through on it.

 

Any suggestions on how to phrase this? I really don't want to hurt her but although we never know what happens in the future I don't want to give her false hope.

"I'm sorry, I can't have you move in with me. It just doesn't work to be in a relationship with you, other than friendship. The best thing I can do for you as a friend is to stop bailing you out, but rather encourage you to be independent, and encourage you to get your life together. I'd be happy to help you with finding a job, or finding a place to stay that you can afford, but outright giving you money or a place to stay is only going to prevent you from progressing in life. It would not be helping you in the long run."

[mbond5555]

"I'm sorry, I can't have you move in with me. It just doesn't work to be in a relationship with you, other than friendship. The best thing I can do for you as a friend is to stop bailing you out, but rather encourage you to be independent, and encourage you to get your life together. I'd be happy to help you with finding a job, or finding a place to stay that you can afford, but outright giving you money or a place to stay is only going to prevent you from progressing in life. It would not be helping you in the long run."

 

Thanks Kathy I appreciate it

[happywithlife]

Best of luck! Be strong.

 

And, no I am pretty sure I don't know you. Unfortunately, I have personal experiences with a toxic long-term relationship.

 

The breaking point it painful and you fear that your actions will hurt the other person, but in the end moving on helps you so much. Sometimes, you really need to put yourself first.

[mbond5555]

Thanks for all the replies, I'll come back and let you all know how it goes.

Really appreciate the help, it was very useful! Great people!