completely devastated

[howtodeall]

Wow this just seems like I'm waking up from a 11 month nightmare. My girl and I were best friends understood eaxh other and just a great match for 5 years. At the end of last year things seemed a little off and it felt more like friends then lovers there wasn't passion. I suggested we take some time apart for a few weeks to see if it could reignite the spark. During this time Iconvinced myself I wanted to be single and have more fun in my life. I kind of pushed her away, I even fooled around with someone else. I see now I was lying to myself.Well we hung out after about a month and all my feeling came back so much. I realized I love this girl to death and wanted to be together we danced kissed and it felt great. She knew I was partying a lot and asked if I had been with anyone else I couldn't lie and said I had. I didn't want to restart a relationship on a lie she was crushed and a huge fight inside. She officially broke up with me. I've been a mess ever since but we've kept in contant contact. We havnt gone over a week without talking and it was so obvious there was still feelings there. She said she simply needed some time on her own nd we would see what happens. So basically for 10 months we've talked every couple days and hung out every other week. Movies dinners walks basically everything we did during the relationship. Maybe if we had gone NC for a while and missed each other things may have been different she even said so. She knew how I felt but it was just too hard for me. I got overly emotional with her and freaked out on like 6-7 occasions. Eaxh time thinking I had pushed her away for good. Then wed become okay again but I would let my frustrations build and explode on her again. We didn't so much as kiss this entire time and it killed me. I've went from being a calm cool and chill guy during our entire relationship to a drama queen emotional wreck. I had so much anger, resentment about the breakup and I didn't give either of us a chance to heal. I think she still had strong feelings for me and was trying to figure out what she wanted in life. Instead if respecting that and giving her space and letting her come to me I pushed and pushed and pushed. I've really lost my sense of self and have changed in so many negative ways. Well I was starting to get back on track and felt great for the last 3 months. We were chill and comfortable and just friendly no drama no talks no b.s but I did it again last week and melted down. Fearing I ruined it forever and coupled with life stress I had a week long meltdown that she witnessed worst had on phone and text. Now that a few days have passed it's cringe worthy. Called her really bad names, cried, I just had what many would call a complete nervous breakdown, she hung up on me and I went ballistic crazy ex bf on her calling her non stop with no answer basicLly all night. This was her final straw and she seems done with my drama forever and I'm here trying to lick up the pieces while being a shell of my former self. Had I only handled the entire 11 months differently we likely would have tried again but even if we hadn't tried again at least she would have looked back fondly on our years together . Instead by being insistant pushy manipulative and just crazy I have tainted our whole relationship. She doesn't want anythibg to do with me and for the first time ever I don't think she will want to try again. It's like I'm dealing with day one if the breakup and this time it's for real. We didn't have the best reasons for taking our initial break and I have justified her decision to break up and made it seen like it was the best decision. I have so much guilt and regret for how ice dealt with it and how I look to her. I seem like an immature emotionally stunted 31 year old man in a child's body. She repeatdily told me that my antics for 10 months were high school breakup material. I don't know how to erase how I acted and return to the person that ibwas before this ordeal. It has really crippled me and I'm not sure how I am going to recover. The hope of her and I trying again was sonething that motivated and pushed me . Now that that is gone I just feel so broken, alone, and empty. She seemingly is sick of my bull**** and thinks I didn't get her. She just wabted some time on her own and I didn't respect it I was scared she was dating when really she hadn't at all this entire time. I should of trusted and respected her reasons and just let it play out but I couldn't. I got emotional and crazy on way too Manny occasions. How am I ever supposed to make this better . She really is the woman if my dreams and I know I won't find anyone who I click with like that ever again. I know a lot of ppl think that but I really feel that way. I'm so conpektwly lost and alone. Now I don't even have her as a friend. Sorry this is so long but I feel so broken. I wish I had done everything differently and at the very least handled things like a man instead of little bitch who was scared to be alone .

[Philosoraptor]

You ended the relationship to fool around and when you came back she friendzoned you. She wasn't going to take you back and was keeping you around as an ego boost and backup plan. You kept her self esteem high and hung around as emotional support and she had no issue pushing you away over and over as she knew you would come back.

 

Pretty much you were on the hook, she knew it, and took advantage of it. You ended the relationship from the start though when you initiated the break and decided to sleep around. Use this as an opportunity to grow and learn how to get through relationship issues in your future.

[howtodeall]

Well she kissed someone during the break as well and I got over it. I can see your point about the ego boost tho. I basicLly acted like her boyfriend this entire time and gave her all the attention that she could have ever wanted. She knew she had me hook line and sinker. She knows how jch I love her and that emotional outbursts were because of that and not being able to be be with her as bf gf. I'm trying not to blame myself and that many people who hang out and talk to the person their in love with for 10 months without any physical contact would likely have the sane kind of meltdowns as I did. It's too tough. I guess that's why NC is so important. I never detatched or even moved on at all while she was so comfortable because she knew she had and still has me at any time that she would want. I'd drop everything to hang with her and really lost all my pride dignity and self respect. I think I actedlike tthat because I wanted to prove to her what a mistake that hookup was during our break and how much I regretted it. I never really forgave myself and really turned into an emotional mess trying to fix it.

[UnknownFX]

You ended the relationship to fool around and when you came back she friendzoned you. She wasn't going to take you back and was keeping you around as an ego boost and backup plan. You kept her self esteem high and hung around as emotional support and she had no issue pushing you away over and over as she knew you would come back.

 

Pretty much you were on the hook, she knew it, and took advantage of it. You ended the relationship from the start though when you initiated the break and decided to sleep around. Use this as an opportunity to grow and learn how to get through relationship issues in your future.

 

This is exactly what my ex did to me after she broke up with me.

[TrappedWanderer]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Because that's what it is-painful.

 

It's almost funny that I can even say that-my new husband has been acting exactly like you've described you've acted. I'm having a hard time dealing with it all, it's incredibly hurtful. He was supposed to be my best friend, afterall...but best friends don't treat each other without respect.

 

As someone who's currently on the receiving end of this kind of thing, I know what I've really been wanting is for him to go get help...talk to someone. Be that a trusted friend or, probably better, a counselor. Recognizing that you've committed wrongdoings to someone you love is a good step, but if you really want to acknowledge and honor that, you should get some help in trying to learn how to deal with problems so that it doesn't continue to happen. That doesn't mean she'll come back to you...there's a lot of water under the bridge. But it does mean that you can try to move forward and not repeat the same mistakes that got you there in the first place. And really, taking action is showing her and yourself that you really do realize what's been done was not right. And, at least for me, I can't tell you how much that would mean.

 

Good luck...I hope you're able to come out of the other side of this in a better light.

[Mariposa10]

I can relate a little bit to the way your ex-girlfriend is acting. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up it was supposed to be more of a break to see how we both felt, blah, blah. However, he had met this girl. To make things short, they ended up getting intimate. I know we were not together blah, blah, but for me that was a deal breaker. As soon as I found out when I asked him he's honest, so he told me, I requested NC. Right now I have zero interest in hearing or contacting him.

 

So my advice is: let this girl breathe. Maybe in the future you guys can get back together. Let her heal.

[howtodeall]

Yea I know, her makin out with some dude wasn't a deal breaker not even in the slightest. I didn't be intimate just fooling around but I've felt so bad for 10 months I've been so faithful and loyal to her even after she officially ended it. It sucks but I badicallly held her hand through the break uo. Now that she's healed and pissed at me she's ready to let go and leave me behind while I'm stuck at day one just torn up.

[Philosoraptor]

Yea I know, her makin out with some dude wasn't a deal breaker not even in the slightest. I didn't be intimate just fooling around but I've felt so bad for 10 months I've been so faithful and loyal to her even after she officially ended it. It sucks but I badicallly held her hand through the break uo. Now that she's healed and pissed at me she's ready to let go and leave me behind while I'm stuck at day one just torn up.

She used you to get over you. Take it as a lesson to take care of yourself at the end of a relationship, not someone else.

[howtodeall]

Yea but part of me feels that very dangerous false hope. We still have some connections here and will need to talk to each other again in a cpl months. If she really was questioning things up until my recent outburst it shows there are still feelings there. I just have to be the person that I was from here on out. I think I have issues letting go. I want to hope we can try again but I need to let her calm down and come to me. If that never happens then so be it . I can't explain it but do u know the feeling that you two are so right for each. We just aren't that right for each other when were apart. Maybe I'm just crazy

[howtodeall]

That being said I have never done NC before so maybe that will help change some perspective idk. I've def calmed down since the weekend but it still sucks.