Pocky Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 First step is understanding the role you don't want to have. Read some literature on the web regarding the role of a co-dependent in the life of a porn addict. You have to understand how your behavior, while under normal circumstances is reasonable, in this situation isn't. I analyzed this issue for months trying to understand why my husband who absolutely adored me in every possible way would deny me sexual intimacy because he'd rather masturbate to porn. I had to study how my behavior became a part of the problem even when I was sure that as long as I was reasonable and logical that it would enable us to come to a solution. I understand why his behavior bothers you. I know exactly how you feel.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 I am not demanding anything to him. I simply want an open relationship. HONESTY. I am the most understanding person and am not threatening at all. I am eaching out because i love him so.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Thats a good first step. Do some research on porn addiction. Lots of it. And go from there.
Bubbles Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I lived with a guy for 7 LLLLLOOOOONNNNG years that was addicted to porn. He refused to see it as a problem in our relationship..........it was MY problem. So I decided "o.k. what's good for the goose is good for the gander" right? There must be something to this because he says that it releives his stress. So I gave it a try. He freaked. I was the neighborhood slut sleeping with everything that moved! Great! That's just what I needed. I left. I cannot begin to tell you how screwed up that whole relationship made me. It's been two years and I am still recovering. IMHO......once they start? They won't stop. Male or Female. If only they would look at it too much and get sick......somewhat like if you drink too much? That usually changes a persons mind about how much they "intake" concerning alcohol.....if only it worked the same for porn! My heart goes out to you. I really know how you feel in your stomach, your heart and your mind. Truly I feel badly for you. <<<hugs>>> Bubbles
Pepuchin Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 I feel a little bit like your BF. I am non addicted to porn, but many times I got into it because i don't have enough from my GF. She actually doesn't like sex... well this is another history (Actually that is why i am in ths forum). But being in your Bg shoes, what I think she is trying to do is showing you his unsecurity about you and your sexual life. I don't know if every man but most of my male friends and me of course love sex... we prefer quantity to quality (Well, I want both). Did you try to get involved with him in the kind of practices or fantasies he is watching to? I always think that no mattter what you have to do or the way you feel, a bit of sex is always reconforting. If you have to study, try a good sex before that and you will study better... Also, don't try to be "his mom", probably that is why is started lying you. And don't try to talk too much about it either... without saying anything, just start getting involved with him on porn... you will get an equilibrium later you will enjoy more of it and he will enjoy more of you. My best wishes. Life is too short.
alphamale Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Well Surrealgrl1; So then why don't you leave this porn addict and find someone else. Maybe your next man will be an alcoholic or wife-beater or gambling addict. Remember the saying "out of the frying pan and into the fire"
Bubbles Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 alphamale, You are mean! It's one thing to be blunt with a person but you don't need to be so blunt that it makes you sound rude. This poor girl is hurting.......have some sympathy or just don't answer any of the posts - c'mon now........we are supposed to be here to assist ; not to bark commands......that only works on animals (not people). Bubbles
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by surrealgrl1 I am not demanding anything to him. I simply want an open relationship. HONESTY. I am the most understanding person and am not threatening at all. I am eaching out because i love him so. I'm currently trying to reconcile with my ex-BF. I have had to realize that I play a part in pushing him away with my attitude. Because we want them to open up - and at times they do - but not usually in the way we want them to. You have some options when you try to discuss things with him - and taking the role of a scold who points out why all the things he is doing are destroying your relationship probably isn't the best tactic. Men and women are different, emotionally, socially, even when it comes to communicating. And individuals are different, too. In my experience, there is always an effective way to reach out to someone - and if you've tried the same tactic over and over again with no results, change how you approach the situation. You will be surprised at the difference. Some individuals are more comfortable talking about sex than others, and definately more comfortable in an non-accustatory, comfortable, accepting environment. Just a thought.
tiki Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Well Surrealgrl1; So then why don't you leave this porn addict and find someone else. Maybe your next man will be an alcoholic or wife-beater or gambling addict. Remember the saying "out of the frying pan and into the fire" Alpha, do you have a soft side for porn addicts or something? Because what you said was rather harsh. Surreal, you do not have to put up with this. There are men out there that act this way and there are men that don't. Find someone that doesn't, or try to work this out with your SO. Don't let him continue to lie and hide. That's deceitful!
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 3, 2004 Author Posted December 3, 2004 I have tried numerous approaches in trying to reconcile wiht my SO. I am sexually active, so that is not the problem. HE has an addiction and no matter how much I talk and try to help him, ultimately he is the one who has to make an effort. I cannot force him to stop or gradually stop, he has to do it for himself.
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