surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Hello there! I have a similar situation than some of you. My boyfriend is severely addicted to porn and I am left without options. The first time cought him with porn it was not a big deal and so was the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on. I have known that he has been addicted to porn for almost two years now and i didn't care until now. About 2 months ago, I had been studying for a test and i come out of the bedroom and he is watching porn on my computer jerking off. He heard me open the refrigerator door and quickly put up his boxers. I asked him what he had been doing and he lied and said nothing. I stormed out of the house and went for a drive. WHen i came back he gave me the bullsh*it that our sex life is not great and that he is insecure with himself. blah blah blah. So we talked about the whole situation and i told him that i am not upset i just want him to be open with me and we can work through this together. If he had not lied and been disrespectfull enough to do it while i was in the next room than i would not have felt so disrespected. Then, about a week later i had to get a wisdom tooth pulled out and i was all drugged up on meds and could not drive. I asked him if he can take me to the supermarket that is only two blocks away and he said he was too tired to take me. So i drove while all messed up on meds to get myself some baby food and yogurt and I come home to a sink full of cum. While i ran to the grocery store he had been jerking off to porn, meanwhile he said he was too tired and i could have risked my life driving. I approached him again and he denied the incident for a second time. He told me that he did not know what i was talking about and it was not until i said "you can't lie to me i saw it in the sink", he admitted to it. I am starting to think he is a compulsive porn addict and a compulsive liar? Again he said he is embarrased and sorry, but he still continues to do it. I try and talk to him nicely about it and he agrees that we need to work together, but he still hides and does it. I iniciate sex most of the time. Our relationship is awesome we have so much fun together, but this is the only problem and i do not know what else i can do. I understand that men have to do this and for that matter people, but don't lie and hide when a significant other is reaching out to help. I am starting to feel like i am going to throw up everytime i see him and i don't want this to happen. I try to talk to him, but he is even embarrassed about, but he will do it? I do not understand. I am probably the most reasonable person anyone can talk to about anything, which people usually do and him, but he won't talk to me about this. I know this addiction runs in his family. Could that be it? Will he ever stop?
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by surrealgrl1 Hello there! Our relationship is awesome we have so much fun together, but this is the only problem and i do not know what else i can do. I understand that men have to do this Read what your wrote above. Your are making a mountain out of mole hill. I would suggest you to just accept it and lay down some rules that you both agree to. See SURREALGRL1, he could be doing one of a multitude of things that are MUCH MUCH WORSE. Be happy that the rest of your relationship is good.
The_Analyzer Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 You said you were without options. You're not without options. You have two. Personally I don't think you should have to accept it, but thats one option, the second one is, if it bothers you, then you need to get out of the situation. Tell him you wish him and his hand a nice lfe together. Another thing, you said was he told you that your sex like wasn't that great. Well now sounds like a cop out to me. An excuse for not doing the work that needs to be done to improve the realtionship, if he feels its not so great. _________________________ "Don't argue with me, you wont win."
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Okay, to me porn is not acceptable, UNLESS is mutually consented upon. To you, you've accepted it, so it must be ok. Now you're tired of it and it's not ok? He is an addict. This doesn't lessen his addiction b/c it's porn, he's still an addict. Give him an ultimatum. AKA, I cannot live with your addiction to porn. Lose it, fix it, or lose me. Then when he doesn't lose it or fix it, lose him. Keep your promises and don't send mixed signals. If you say you'll dump him if he doesn't stop, then DO IT. Prepare for the worst. Be prepared for him to fail. Prepare to have to leave him. Help him overcome this if you can, do whatever it takes within normal means. I have my doubts that this guy will actually quit with his porn addiction. In your next relationship, please make sure that you're "porn compatible". Oh, one more thing...paragraph spacing! You'd be amazed at the greater feedback you'd get if you spaced that huge paragraph...it's very hard to read.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by tiki Okay, to me porn is not acceptable, UNLESS is mutually consented upon He is an addict. Give him an ultimatum. Be prepared for him to fail. Prepare to have to leave him. Dear Tiki: With all due respect the above comments sound like those from a 28 yr old. Your answer to this person will most likely be different when you are 10 or 15 yrs older. Again, I am not attacking you here but just stating an observation on my part.
Honesty Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT PORN IS NOT BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS MAKE SUCH A BIG ISSUE OFF OF THIS???????????/
Honesty Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale With all due respect the above comments sound like those from a 28 yr old. Your answer to this person will most likely be different when you are 10 or 15 yrs older. Again, I am not attacking you here but just stating an observation on my part. What is up with you and age? You are always suggesting with your comments that people under 38 don't know what they really want. that it will all change when they are older. that they have not experienced anything yet, which is not true for everyone. The whole point of this forum, at least this is what i think ( a 21 year old that will probably think differently in 20 years), it's to see the different opinions depending on the age and gender of the person. IT IS CALLED DIVERSITY BUDDY!
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Dear Tiki: With all due respect the above comments sound like those from a 28 yr old. Your answer to this person will most likely be different when you are 10 or 15 yrs older. Again, I am not attacking you here but just stating an observation on my part. Alpha, I beg to differ. And how do you know that I'm 28? Are you following me around or keeping tabs? Find something or someone else to focus on, puuhhlease. At almost 30, I'm sure I know what I want. I have had a relationship with pornography use and CHOOSE to not use it in my current relationship. Why is that a problem for anyone, including YOU, alphie? If you want to start a new thread, do it. Don't rob hers. I stick to what I said. She asked for opinions and I gave mine. Alphamale doesn't have to like my opinion. That's the beauty of it.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by Honesty What is up with you and age? You are always suggesting with your comments that people under 38 don't know what they really want. that it will all change when they are older. that they have not experienced anything yet, which is not true for everyone. The whole point of this forum, at least this is what i think ( a 21 year old that will probably think differently in 20 years), it's to see the different opinions depending on the age and gender of the person. IT IS CALLED DIVERSITY BUDDY! Exactly! And I am adding to the diversity and giving you opinions from someone older and more experienced. See, as you get older you learn to look more at the big picture. If you have a fairly good relationship and one or two thing are bad in it that is OK becuase there are many (if not most) who have krappy relationships. This experiences comes for age and watching things happen to YOU, YOUR FAMILY and YOUR FREINDS over time. I'm not cutting any one down here I am just saying as you get more experience and get older you will look at many things a bit differently.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 It is not a matter of accepting it or not. He lies about it. He is sneaky about it. Which in turn makes me question if I can marry him. It is more so annoying. I know he is a little insecure with himself because i work in a nightclub and he fears that i will leave him. I have had relationships before and this is just bizzare. I have been with him for 3 years now and he is starting to change. I love him with all my heart, but he is starting to be sneaky. I have offered about 4 times to discuss and help him with this issue and he agrees to it, but then it is back at square one.
Pocky Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Unfortunately, there are several people on this board that are incapable of understanding the differences between a healthy personal life that includes porn and an unhealthy life that is completely dependent on porn. It's not the act of looking at pornography that is the problem - it's how the persons behavior is altered by this activity. Some aren't affected at all and can have healthy relationships while enjoying their personal time with pornography. However, there are some that are incapable of balancing the responsibilities of a relationship with their own personal choices. These are the cases when pornography is a problem and not just an innocent pastime. Read about the role of the co-dependent in a porn addicts life. You can find many sources if you search google. The first step is understanding the role you play in his porn addiction - it's not what you think. It will help you understand how not to respond and how not to find yourself creating more of a problem than solving the problem. Once you understand his mind set and you understand the role you play in this behavior you will be better equipped to approach the issue.
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by Honesty What is up with you and age? You are always suggesting with your comments that people under 38 don't know what they really want. that it will all change when they are older. that they have not experienced anything yet, which is not true for everyone. The whole point of this forum, at least this is what i think ( a 21 year old that will probably think differently in 20 years), it's to see the different opinions depending on the age and gender of the person. IT IS CALLED DIVERSITY BUDDY! Yeah! And I'm sure I can relate better to a 21 year old than a 38 year old, huh alpha?
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by surrealgrl1 He lies about it. He is sneaky about it. Bad characteristics to have. What else does he lie about?!
Honesty Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Exactly! And I am adding to the diversity and giving you opinions from someone older and more experienced. Yeah but not when you tell someone else that there opinion will probably difer in years to come. The thread has to with surrealgrl1 not with the way tiki thinks. Later.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 It would not be such a big deal if he would just tell the truth when i ask. Be a man about it. I am willing to do almost anything sexually. By no means am i prude, but I think he just has an addiction and I want to help him with it. He is not even discrete about it. I try to talk and he beats around the bush. I just do not know what else i can do.
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Thanks Honesty, like I told him, he needs to start a new thread if he has issues. This one is about *her* issues.
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by surrealgrl1 It would not be such a big deal if he would just tell the truth when i ask. Be a man about it. I am willing to do almost anything sexually. By no means am i prude, but I think he just has an addiction and I want to help him with it. He is not even discrete about it. I try to talk and he beats around the bush. I just do not know what else i can do. Then check online at some places to get help. Is he willing to undergo this? Or does he refuse?
SoleMate Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Leaving aside the porn for a moment...what really bothered me about your story is that when you really needed him to get you some edible food after your wisdom tooth removal, he couldn't be bothered because he had a date with his hand. That's right folks...she was in pain, half-starved, had nothing she could eat, unable to drive safely...and her SO just couldn't be bothered to take a few moments to help her. Also, he leaves nasty messes in the sink. Both of those things right there are dealbreakers, IMO. How can you say your relationship is awesome? You know, I don't even care, 1st order, whether it is porn, masturbation, OW, drugs, alcohol, gambling, Internet role playing, car racing, or bonsai cultivation, of your supposed SO has some pastime in his life that trumps YOUR serious needs, that ain't much of a relationship. 2
tiki Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Leaving aside the porn for a moment...what really bothered me about your story is that when you really needed him to get you some edible food after your wisdom tooth removal, he couldn't be bothered because he had a date with his hand. That's right folks...she was in pain, half-starved, had nothing she could eat, unable to drive safely...and her SO just couldn't be bothered to take a few moments to help her. Also, he leaves nasty messes in the sink. Both of those things right there are dealbreakers, IMO. How can you say your relationship is awesome? You know, I don't even care, 1st order, whether it is porn, masturbation, OW, drugs, alcohol, gambling, Internet role playing, car racing, or bonsai cultivation, of your supposed SO has some pastime in his life that trumps YOUR serious needs, that ain't much of a relationship. Okay she does have some valid points.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 I tried offering for him to get help, but he probably willnot do it. When i approach the situation he is mainly silent. We have naver ever had a problem in the relationship until now. He says that there is a whole side to life that i need to experience, which is porn and that most people do it. Which i do not totally agree because i have had previous boyfriends longer than this relationship and i never had this problem.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 YES! I was totally drugged up and numb and was told not to drive and he did not want to take me TWO BLOCKS to get food for me because of my tooth. I talked to him about that and he apologized again and he still sneaks around on the computer. he deletes the history and blah blah blah. I am a very open person and do not like sneakiness in a relationship and it is starting to happen. I do not know what else to say. This totally sucks.
Pocky Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Both of those things right there are dealbreakers, IMO. How can you say your relationship is awesome? You know, I don't even care, 1st order, whether it is porn, masturbation, OW, drugs, alcohol, gambling, Internet role playing, car racing, or bonsai cultivation, of your supposed SO has some pastime in his life that trumps YOUR serious needs, that ain't much of a relationship. I can only speak from personal experience and am not trying to discount your opinion, but it is possible to consider a relationship is wonderful even if the significant others porn activities create problems. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage - 80% of it was awesome and couldn't get any better. While 20% was bad and we knew we had to deal with the problems it didn't overshadow the 80% that was still great. surrealgrl1- I dealt with the exact thing you're experiencing for five years and once I took the time to understand my role and to see things from both sides, I was able to logically and rationally discuss this issue with my husband. Until then, everything was based on my perception, my emotions and the assumptions I made. If you want to overcome this issue then you need to approach it in a logical manner. Consider my previous suggestion and do some research on how your very behavior could not only push him further into it, but enable his deceit.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 I totally unerstand. I DO approach it rationally and would love to understand his side if he would just talk to me. I told him a relationship is based on COMMUNICATION and he obviously lies to me and doesnot care about my feelings with porn.
Author surrealgrl1 Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 Pocky- It sounds like my relationship is the same as yours. 80 % is wonderful and the little 20% is not so great, but if I am the only one willing to help than i have a problem here and i do not know how to fix this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by surrealgrl1 I totally unerstand. I DO approach it rationally and would love to understand his side if he would just talk to me. I told him a relationship is based on COMMUNICATION and he obviously lies to me and doesnot care about my feelings with porn. I expect he lies to you about it because he knows any communication he tries to have with you is going to be very one sided and will end with you demanding that he quit cold turkey. You also need to understand that his doing it has nothing to do with your feelings or whether or not he loves you. He doesn't do it to spite you. You'll need to put that notion aside. Don't make it a personal thing about you. Make it a personal thing about him and how you two can work toward an end more satisfying to you both. If you want to end his addiction, you have to make an effort to understand it - accept how he feels about it, and then you two can try to work out a compromise that will work for you both. Do some research on porn addiction. You will need to understand that it is not realistic at this stage to ask him to quit completely. It will have to be a gradual thing. Maybe eventually he will get to a point where he won't be as inclined to turn to it. Maybe you can start with putting a time/place restriction on it? I dunno, I just know that if you demand that he stop or else, he probably is just going to make a greater effort to hide if from you and begin to resent you. Best to work slowly, starting with a compromise and work from there.
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