Will a guy leave a girl he's into if he's afraid of getting hurt/hurting her?

October 7, 2013

So there seems to be this idea that some guys will leave a girl he is really into because, put simply, he is scared ****less of being hurt. So, if he starts to feel like he's getting into a situation where he'll be destroyed if his girl leaves him, he might launch a preemptive strike and pull the plug first. Natural self-preservatation I guess...

In my particular case, he said he needed to stop the relationship from going any further before we "fall deeply in love" because he was "terrified of hurting me". I don't believe anyone is that self-sacrificing. I suspect instead that HE was terrified of being hurt. Especially because he has had his heart broken countless times before (been cheated on by all his partners).

Then again, I'm not sure if I buy it either way, whether he really IS terrified hurting me OR being hurt himself...I can't imagine leaving someone I'm into for either of these reasons, but then again, I'm not a guy and I know guys experience emotions differently, and I also haven't had my heart broken so many times as to have such a depressing outlook. What do you guys and gals think? Has anyone experienced this?

October 7, 2013

I understand the concept, when i was younger and afraid of hurting someone i would pull the plug, now i trust that i just wont hurt them adn i am careful before even dating, i have had my fair share of being hurt myself and dont intend on hurting someone like i hav ebeen...i feel soem of the hurts that i have had are positive learning experiences on how not to treat a partner....smilin...gotta find the positive...i would say its more about the guy being hurt as he has had a few relationships where he has been hurt.....it is self protection....thats my opinion though...merely a guess ....deb

Edited October 7, 2013 by todreaminblue

October 7, 2013

my guy has been cheated on and dumped by all past girlfriends and although he's been scared of being hurt again he doesn't want to leave first through fear.

October 7, 2013

Oh, this kind of behavior does happen. The distancing away and sabotaging of relationships b/c of the fear of being dumped is especially more common. If you think about it, it makes sense to the people that do this. Due to trauma or past crappy relationships, it gives them the perceived control over a situation that they feel they have little ultimately. A fear of impending rejection for them is best "controlled" by sabotaging the relationship. By sabotaging or doing the dumping, they prevent being the dumpee....AGAIN.

As per those who leave b/c they feel that they may do the hurting....well, I believe those people are either using it as an excuse to leave the relationship or do have some sincere concern for the partner. Over-all, I suspect that this kind of behavior is a way for someone to begin pulling away from a relationship that, for whatever reason, is not entirely desirable. Hard to say...

Edited October 7, 2013 by soccerrprp

October 7, 2013

Oh, this kind of behavior does happen. The distancing away and sabotaging of relationships b/c of the fear of being dumped is especially more common. If you think about it, it makes sense to the people that do this. Due to trauma or past crappy relationships, it gives them the perceived control over a situation that they feel they have little ultimately. A fear of impending rejection for them is best "controlled" by sabotaging the relationship.

As per those who leave b/c they feel that they may do the hurting....well, I believe those people are either using it as an excuse to leave the relationship or do have some sincere concern for the partner. Over-all, I suspect that this kind of behavior is a way for someone to begin pulling away from a relationship that, for whatever reason, is not entirely desirable. Hard to say...

Hmm, very interesting...thanks for your insight! Yes, he didn't explicitly say that HE was afraid of getting hurt, but I believe that most men would have trouble admitting that anyway...and everything indicated that he WAS afraid. I do think he was legitimately scared of hurting me, but I definitely don't think that was the full story. It really struck me how he kept using the word "terrified"...and all while he was breaking up with me, he kept hugging me, was very reluctant to let me go...I'm just very confused. I keep worrying that maybe he just "wasn't that into me" (I have low self-esteem) but I have a feeling that it wasn't that...that it was something that was stopping HIM, that only he could overcome...but I also have a lot of trouble believing ANYTHING could stop a guy who truly wanted a girl...I hear this said all the time.

October 7, 2013

I don't think so. People go for what they want. Fear is just an excuse for when they actually just don't want something, for whatever reason.

October 7, 2013

Hmm, very interesting...thanks for your insight! Yes, he didn't explicitly say that HE was afraid of getting hurt, but I believe that most men would have trouble admitting that anyway...and everything indicated that he WAS afraid. I do think he was legitimately scared of hurting me, but I definitely don't think that was the full story. It really struck me how he kept using the word "terrified"...and all while he was breaking up with me, he kept hugging me, was very reluctant to let me go...I'm just very confused. I keep worrying that maybe he just "wasn't that into me" (I have low self-esteem) but I have a feeling that it wasn't that...that it was something that was stopping HIM, that only he could overcome...but I also have a lot of trouble believing ANYTHING could stop a guy who truly wanted a girl...I hear this said all the time.

Interesting. I went back and re-read your original post and he is clearly expressing that HE is terrified of hurting YOU AND that he seems uncertain b/c he has been hurt in the past. So, you have someone here who is using both sides of the coin as an explanation for his leaving.

I am convinced that there are some who will sabotage a relationship b/c of their past failed relationships. It becomes a psychological crisis and defense mechanism for some to gain control, to prevent being the victim again. But it sounds like your bf wants it both ways. I am thinking that YOUR bf may be using this "fear"", real or no, as a way to assuage your feelings of rejection. He wants you to sympathize so as to make himself feel better about his departure or distancing.

You may be right. He may not be that into you and he's creating this "dramatic" exit to help alleviate his own guilt and spare some of your own insecurities, doubt.

October 7, 2013

Interesting. I went back and re-read your original post and he is clearly expressing that HE is terrified of hurting YOU AND that he seems uncertain b/c he has been hurt in the past. So, you have someone here who is using both sides of the coin as an explanation for his leaving.

I am convinced that there are some who will sabotage a relationship b/c of their past failed relationships. It becomes a psychological crisis and defense mechanism for some to gain control, to prevent being the victim again. But it sounds like your bf wants it both ways. I am thinking that YOUR bf may be using this "fear"", real or no, as a way to assuage your feelings of rejection. He wants you to sympathize so as to make himself feel better about his departure or distancing.

You may be right. He may not be that into you and he's creating this "dramatic" exit to help alleviate his own guilt and spare some of your own insecurities, doubt.

Yes, I really don't know...it's tricky. I'm sure he was into me, but maybe just not ENOUGH to want to/motivate him to overcome his personal barriers/fears. Other factors came into as well, like age difference. But when it comes down to it - if he truly loved me/was into me enough, nothing would stop him. Gosh this makes me feel like rubbish... Why do men trick you into believing they truly like you? Honestly, the way he was with me, I really thought he was falling for me...

Edited October 7, 2013 by LittleLoveCaster

October 7, 2013

Yes, I really don't know...it's tricky. I'm sure he was into me, but maybe just not ENOUGH to want to/motivate him to overcome his personal barriers/fears. Other factors came into as well, like age difference. But when it comes down to it - if he truly loved me/was into me enough, nothing would stop him. Gosh this makes me feel like rubbish... Why do men trick you into believing they truly like you? Honestly, the way he was with me, I really thought he was falling for me...

It sucks. Especially when you are at a loss to why and what changed. You mention age difference. How much? Were there any signs that things were changing?

October 7, 2013

It sucks. Especially when you are at a loss to why and what changed. You mention age difference. How much? Were there any signs that things were changing?

Age difference was big (over a decade), but he never indicated a problem with it (until he broke up with me), and I never had a problem with it either. No, there were no signs...the night before he ended it though, we reached a new level of connection. I allowed myself to break down and be vulnerable with him (I had not allowed myself to do this before because I was afraid of scaring him away with my emotions)...he was so sweet and loving. I felt so safe and loved with him. That night, another thing happened...he almost took my virginity. We were both terrified. It didn't end up happening because I kept freaking out..and so did he, kept asking me things like "Are you sure? Do you really want me to be the one to do it?" etc. I think maybe he realised how serious and intense things were getting and it scared him so he ended it...

October 7, 2013

I am convinced that there are some who will sabotage a relationship b/c of their past failed relationships. It becomes a psychological crisis and defense mechanism for some to gain control, to prevent being the victim again. But it sounds like your bf wants it both ways. I am thinking that YOUR bf may be using this "fear"", real or no, as a way to assuage your feelings of rejection. He wants you to sympathize so as to make himself feel better about his departure or distancing.

I think it's just garden variety fear of engulfment/abandonment, but he doesn't want to admit to being afraid for himself so he flips it and tries to reap the benefit of being altruistic. People aren't actually terrified of hurting someone else––terrified is what you feel when you're the one who is threatened.

This kind of fear doesn't necessarily come from having been dumped repeatedly, it is common in people who have deep seated self-concept issues. This often originates from not having been loved and accepted unconditionally at an infant or small child. They fear both rejection and the loss of control inherent in deeper intimacy. They try to manage by maintaining measured distance and being the lesser invested half of the couple. Being vulnerable is a feeling they can't tolerate, so they sabotage or pull away when they sense that they're at the point of really falling for someone and losing that control.

October 7, 2013

I think it's just garden variety fear of engulfment/abandonment, but he doesn't want to admit to being afraid for himself so he flips it and tries to reap the benefit of being altruistic. People aren't actually terrified of hurting someone else––terrified is what you feel when you're the one who is threatened.

This kind of fear doesn't necessarily come from having been dumped repeatedly, it is common in people who have deep seated self-concept issues. This often originates from not having been loved and accepted unconditionally at an infant or small child. They fear both rejection and the loss of control inherent in deeper intimacy. They try to manage by maintaining measured distance and being the lesser invested half of the couple. Being vulnerable is a feeling they can't tolerate, so they sabotage or pull away when they sense that they're at the point of really falling for someone and losing that control.

Another good perspective on things.

October 7, 2013

I think it's just garden variety fear of engulfment/abandonment, but he doesn't want to admit to being afraid for himself so he flips it and tries to reap the benefit of being altruistic. People aren't actually terrified of hurting someone else––terrified is what you feel when you're the one who is threatened.

This kind of fear doesn't necessarily come from having been dumped repeatedly, it is common in people who have deep seated self-concept issues. This often originates from not having been loved and accepted unconditionally at an infant or small child. They fear both rejection and the loss of control inherent in deeper intimacy. They try to manage by maintaining measured distance and being the lesser invested half of the couple. Being vulnerable is a feeling they can't tolerate, so they sabotage or pull away when they sense that they're at the point of really falling for someone and losing that control.

Wow, this makes a lot of sense. Especially because the night before he left me, we reached a deeper level of emotional intimacy...we were both raw and vulnerable with each other. This was difficult even for me, so I can't imagine how overwhelmed he must have been feeling...obviously to the point where he felt he needed to run.

October 7, 2013

Wow, this makes a lot of sense. Especially because the night before he left me, we reached a deeper level of emotional intimacy...we were both raw and vulnerable with each other. This was difficult even for me, so I can't imagine how overwhelmed he must have been feeling...obviously to the point where he felt he needed to run.

Look up attachment styles, specifically dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant. See whether any of that rings a bell. There isn't much you can do wtih people who have deep self-esteem issues unfortunately.

October 7, 2013

If you see my thread/replies I just went through this.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20513736

Ex said that he was scared to hurt me since he is not sure he CAN love (doesn't think he actually has loved..) although he wants to love me and it would be unfair to me.

(not saying your guy is this) But maybe he feels you love him more and he wants to end it because he feels he can't love you as much? (it's more like he won't let himself get there so everyone is saying the same thing I think)

There are probably underlying issues here but could be his train of thought.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Crashandburn
edit for clarity

October 8, 2013

If you see my thread/replies I just went through this.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20513736

Ex said that he was scared to hurt me since he is not sure he CAN love (doesn't think he actually has loved..) although he wants to love me and it would be unfair to me.
(not saying your guy is this) But maybe he feels you love him more and he wants to end it because he feels he can't love you as much? (it's more like he won't let himself get there so everyone is saying the same thing I think)
There are probably underlying issues here but could be his train of thought.

Thanks for sharing your thread! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this...I think you might be right, he might have seen that I was falling for him and thought he should end it gets any deeper...either because he didn't feel the same way, or because he didn't LET himself feel the same way, because of his fears and insecurities, etc. I guess I'll never know...

October 9, 2013

Age difference was big (over a decade).

The above is big and the below is HUGE

he almost took my virginity

Lots of guys with these issues will sabotage something right when things get intimate... But simultaneously over a decade and you a virgin is a LOT of pressure for a man. If he feels like you deserve someone who loves you more then he will not go through with it.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Crashandburn
words

October 10, 2013

The above is big and the below is HUGE

Lots of guys with these issues will sabotage something right when things get intimate... But simultaneously over a decade and you a virgin is a LOT of pressure for a man. If he feels like you deserve someone who loves you more then he will not go through with it.

I think you're right...when he broke up with me he kept saying, "I'm not worth it, don't be upset please, I'm not worth it" etc. He obviously didn't feel 'worthy' of me, and my being a virgin probably played a big part in that. Plus, I don't think he's ever dated a girl like me...he's usual crowd are stoners and drinkers, and the fact that all his girlfriends slept around on him - and he's never been with a virgin - says a lot. Not to blow my own trumpet, but I am more of a classy, educated, quiet, polite-mannered girl...so I'm guessing this was at first "new" and exciting for him, but eventually played up on his insecurities. (Not judging his crowd though; I actually got along with his friends and enjoyed their company for the most part).

October 14, 2013

I'm kind of going through the same thing. This is the second time my guys broken up with me, it's not exactly been the longest relationship, but it was very intense. Both times he's broken up with me was just over 2 months each time!! I dunno but I feel like that's a bit of a pattern? He gets to a certain point and panics?? I dunno. The first time he ended it was because he thought he felt a lot more for me than I did for him and was preventing himself from getting hurt in the long run. This time...I dunno! I still think he's pushing me away for fear of getting hurt in the long run? Before I break up with him? He is an insecure guy and has admitted that to me!! When we first got together a few people told him he was punching above his weight, so that can't help! I don't know what to do anymore, it's been over a month since we broke up and I think it's beyond fixing now? I'm pretty sure of his feelings for me, I mean he told me he loved right before he ended it, but there's always those doubts as to whether he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear, ya know?

@littlelovecaster I think your guy has run as he's realised how serious the two of you were getting? You being prepared to give him your virginity shows just how much u care for and trust him? Have u spoken to him since?

October 14, 2013

LittleLoveCaster - reasonable question.

Yes, I've broken off with a woman because although I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her, I saw that she was a lot more into me than I was into her, and I felt that I might not last the distance, and the longer I let it go on, the worse it was for her.

That kind of sounds bad, like I was just messing around, but I wasn't, it was just that everything began to seem imbalanced in the relationship, and although she was very sweet, I started to become aware of the difference in our education, our ambitions in life etc., and something just felt a little 'off' to me, though not to her. I still think a lot of her, have a tiny regret that I ended things, but overall feel like it was better for us both.

As to have I ever done this to protect myself? If I say 'no' then it's because I'm preemptive in this regard - I stopped it before it started

I was incredibly attracted to a beautiful, smart, funny, sexy woman who was a workmate and slight friend. Because I thought she was completely out of my league I was able to relax around her and be friendly and natural. She then had a couple of life crises that I was able to help her with in several ways, and we became closer friends.

Then she asked me out.

No ambiguity - she said that she already liked me a lot, and I'd helped her out so much that she'd grown feelings for me and wanted to be something more. I liked her SO much that I realized I couldn't handle it, and told her the truth. She tried to talk me into trying a relationship, but eventually accepted that I wouldn't. She wasn't surprised - she'd had men turn her down before because they were scared of getting hurt (she was extremely good-looking, smart and just wonderful in every way).

Edited October 14, 2013 by MYCluciferase
clarification

October 15, 2013

@MYCluciferase

This is VERY intriguing to me.... so are you saying you avoided 2 relationships because you didn't want to hurt and get hurt? Do you think you have a tendency to do this because you are afraid of commitment though?

October 16, 2013

No, I don't have any issues with commitment. These relationships were outliers.

I've had my share fun, enjoyable relationships where I thought they'd last forever and then they didn't for one reason or another.

I just couldn't see the first relationship working out, I didn't feel super enthusiastic about it, although it was pleasant enough. I could tell that the woman was taking it very seriously and trying to get serious, so stopping early seemed better for all.

The second woman I could hardly believe was showing interest in me, she was totally out of my league. I had managed to be cool around her purely because I didn't give myself a chance. Lending her money and letting her live in my spare room for a while while she got her life back together, wasn't a ploy to get her affections, it was because I liked her as a friend. I must have come over as a very nice guy (I'm not bad) and confident and smart (I'm not so much of either, but aren't totally stupid - have three University degrees).

The truth was that she was stunningly gorgeous as well as very nice, and I couldn't imagine what she saw in me, ergo I couldn't see it lasting. I do have a low sense of my own worth, but I don't think it's ridiculously way off.

I knew that if we started getting involved I'd be HOH in love very quickly.

I was just answering the OP - I think I've experienced the issue from both ends, so was giving my examples.

Edited October 16, 2013 by MYCluciferase
grammar

October 16, 2013

ah ok. I guess it does happen.

The first example scared me and I'm sure a lot of women out there! But I guess my fear is that happening after a year of being in a relationship etc. Thanks for your insight!

October 16, 2013

..and with apologies to the OP, I wanted just to finish that off..

After the second woman started dating someone else, I felt a little tinge of regret but this was trumped by an almost overwhelming sense of relief (I thought the new guy she was seeing was a good match for her - in fact they're married now).

I started going out with someone else just after this, and stayed friends with my flatmate (the second woman) until she moved out.

Does that sound like AA ? I don't think so, just self-preservation.

October 16, 2013

No the guy is just too big of a wimp to break up with you proper.

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Will a guy leave a girl he's into if he's afraid of getting hurt/hurting her?

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