Had we met in our late 20s, it would have been forever. Picking up the pieces

October 7, 2013

Hello, first post, thanks for reading.

I met this girl on OKCupid towards the end of the summer following my high school graduation. She was from the philippines and although a U.S. citizen due to her family's military service, essentially a foreigner in the United States. She was nearly 2 years older me. She was well-cultured, however due to times in her early development living in Spain and Italy. She needed someone, knowing no one, and so did I as I was staying in town to attend community college to figure out what I'd do with my life. During our time together she has become fully Americanized, too much in fact. We hit it off and soon were seeing each other on a daily basis and sleeping together 3 nights a week. She lived in San Francisco, me in Oakland, across the bridge. During this time I went to EMT school while attending community college and was successful, ultimately deciding to pursue a career in medicine. Her support was integral to my success academically. That February we moved in together in San Francisco. She paid the rent as I was supported solely by my parents at this time.

Everything was perfect. She was/is beautiful. We are both individuals of I'd say well above average looks. (not to be arrogant, I believe this is relevant). It seemed like it would last forever. I had twinges of doubt, thinking about my friends' sexual conquests at college and the possibility of spending my 20s with only one woman. I began in my private time browsing the same website on which I met her. This continued but I never acted on it, never meeting anyone. During this time our relationship became a seemingly unbreakable bond. In the summer of 2012 we did a cross country road trip spanning the southwest all the way to New Orleans, seeing my family in Memphis and Chicago before heading back across Madison, Minneapolis, Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone. She had never been anywhere outside of California other than Seattle.

In October of that year she saw the messages on my laptop and after effusive apology we mad up passionately with the caveat this would be the last time. I was caught, however, a second time (do not ask me why, for I have done this thousands of times to myself) in January 2013. Soon after she suggested that we see other people but remain together. I hesitantly said yes. LIttle did I know she already had someone lined up. He was from France and older with a social circle and disposable income. She got to party with him, something I never did anymore as I had become increasingly serious academically, maintaining a 4.0 in community college. During this time I began working in the Emergency Room and became even less available. I slept with a number of women too, albeit of lower quality.

The bottom line was that he was not as infatuated with her as she was with him. Being French he probably wanted a white girl for a long term relationship, something she told me she had suspected herself. During this time I would still sleep with her and have intercourse with her without his knowledge. This would eventually stop but she was far from honest in her dealings with him. He'd leave the States due to visa complications for 4 month period. While he was gone their communication deteriorated and she began to try and seek my companionship once again.

We went to San Diego together after sleeping together intermittently. Her reluctance to acknowledge that she had gone there with me publicly (photos) was the last straw for me. I told her what I thought. I told her she has no future other than working a mid-level office job until her looks are gone and that her only hope for living the lifestyle she is accustomed to in the Philippines is marrying a rich man. I told her that her life had no meaning, as it had devolved from our time together when I encouraged her to be intellectually curious and learn, ask questions, have intelligent conversations about just about anything etc. She had become just another self absorbed American girl with no future, living only to be gawked at on Saturday night and receive free drinks while working a job that barely supported these habits by paying the rent.

That was the end of July and the last time I have spoken to her.

I have viewed her FB now and then from non friend settings and still see all of our photos there including one of us holding hands and smiling under profile pictures.

I know how ugly this sounds. She has become a different person since all of this happened: just as dishonest as I was when we were together. I have come to realize how much she meant to me and how unique she really is despite her shortcomings, which multiplied after our breakup. Given the opportunity I would go all in with this girl.

What she has told me after things got bad include that she "would marry me one day," that "when she imagines her children they are ours," and "my next serious relationship will be with you." These statements were unprovoked but reciprocated on my end.

Finally, (thanks for sticking with me) my life has changed a great deal in the time we have been together. With a strong undergrad resume which includes EMT certification, 6 months working (not volunteering) in the Emergency Room, and a 4.0 GPA, my future is wide open. And what I really care about is embracing this future with open arms. At this moment getting into UC Berkeley and eventually medical school is more important to me than anything. I do nothing but wake, attend school, study and sleep. Meanwhile, her life has tilted to the other side of the spectrum as I mentioned earlier.

I'm a realist, OK? If it doesn't work out with her I know I may be better off with someone who is more likeminded in terms of goals, but the fact is I REALLY LOVE HER. What we had was pure and I know it hasn't been the same for her with anyone since. I did a horrible thing and I know she still hasn't forgiven me, but given one last chance I'd cherish every moment with her and just be happy

thanks for opinions, comments

October 7, 2013

Hello, first post, thanks for reading.

I met this girl on OKCupid towards the end of the summer following my high school graduation. She was from the philippines and although a U.S. citizen due to her family's military service, essentially a foreigner in the United States. She was nearly 2 years older me. She was well-cultured, however due to times in her early development living in Spain and Italy. She needed someone, knowing no one, and so did I as I was staying in town to attend community college to figure out what I'd do with my life. During our time together she has become fully Americanized, too much in fact. We hit it off and soon were seeing each other on a daily basis and sleeping together 3 nights a week. She lived in San Francisco, me in Oakland, across the bridge. During this time I went to EMT school while attending community college and was successful, ultimately deciding to pursue a career in medicine. Her support was integral to my success academically. That February we moved in together in San Francisco. She paid the rent as I was supported solely by my parents at this time.
Everything was perfect. She was/is beautiful. We are both individuals of I'd say well above average looks. (not to be arrogant, I believe this is relevant). It seemed like it would last forever. I had twinges of doubt, thinking about my friends' sexual conquests at college and the possibility of spending my 20s with only one woman. I began in my private time browsing the same website on which I met her. This continued but I never acted on it, never meeting anyone. During this time our relationship became a seemingly unbreakable bond. In the summer of 2012 we did a cross country road trip spanning the southwest all the way to New Orleans, seeing my family in Memphis and Chicago before heading back across Madison, Minneapolis, Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone. She had never been anywhere outside of California other than Seattle.
In October of that year she saw the messages on my laptop and after effusive apology we mad up passionately with the caveat this would be the last time. I was caught, however, a second time (do not ask me why, for I have done this thousands of times to myself) in January 2013. Soon after she suggested that we see other people but remain together. I hesitantly said yes. LIttle did I know she already had someone lined up. He was from France and older with a social circle and disposable income. She got to party with him, something I never did anymore as I had become increasingly serious academically, maintaining a 4.0 in community college. During this time I began working in the Emergency Room and became even less available. I slept with a number of women too, albeit of lower quality.
The bottom line was that he was not as infatuated with her as she was with him. Being French he probably wanted a white girl for a long term relationship, something she told me she had suspected herself. During this time I would still sleep with her and have intercourse with her without his knowledge. This would eventually stop but she was far from honest in her dealings with him. He'd leave the States due to visa complications for 4 month period. While he was gone their communication deteriorated and she began to try and seek my companionship once again.

We went to San Diego together after sleeping together intermittently. Her reluctance to acknowledge that she had gone there with me publicly (photos) was the last straw for me. I told her what I thought. I told her she has no future other than working a mid-level office job until her looks are gone and that her only hope for living the lifestyle she is accustomed to in the Philippines is marrying a rich man. I told her that her life had no meaning, as it had devolved from our time together when I encouraged her to be intellectually curious and learn, ask questions, have intelligent conversations about just about anything etc. She had become just another self absorbed American girl with no future, living only to be gawked at on Saturday night and receive free drinks while working a job that barely supported these habits by paying the rent.
That was the end of July and the last time I have spoken to her.
I have viewed her FB now and then from non friend settings and still see all of our photos there including one of us holding hands and smiling under profile pictures.

I know how ugly this sounds. She has become a different person since all of this happened: just as dishonest as I was when we were together. I have come to realize how much she meant to me and how unique she really is despite her shortcomings, which multiplied after our breakup. Given the opportunity I would go all in with this girl.

What she has told me after things got bad include that she "would marry me one day," that "when she imagines her children they are ours," and "my next serious relationship will be with you." These statements were unprovoked but reciprocated on my end.

Finally, (thanks for sticking with me) my life has changed a great deal in the time we have been together. With a strong undergrad resume which includes EMT certification, 6 months working (not volunteering) in the Emergency Room, and a 4.0 GPA, my future is wide open. And what I really care about is embracing this future with open arms. At this moment getting into UC Berkeley and eventually medical school is more important to me than anything. I do nothing but wake, attend school, study and sleep. Meanwhile, her life has tilted to the other side of the spectrum as I mentioned earlier.

I'm a realist, OK? If it doesn't work out with her I know I may be better off with someone who is more likeminded in terms of goals, but the fact is I REALLY LOVE HER. What we had was pure and I know it hasn't been the same for her with anyone since. I did a horrible thing and I know she still hasn't forgiven me, but given one last chance I'd cherish every moment with her and just be happy

thanks for opinions, comments

Not all love relationships are meant to last forever; not even if you met her in her 20s. In fact I would suspect that in her 20s, she would be a bouncing ball; not all that secure of what she really wanted.

So comes to a point. Both of you don't really know what you guys wanted out of a relationship; especially with you perusing dating sites while dating her seemed to suggest that while the relationship is good, it's not that great. Think carefully. If your relationship is great, why would you look at other girls or even sleep with girls of lower quality?!? I suspect she's just not into you all at that much and sharing and supporting your goals and inspirations is half-hearted at best?

She's also in a stage in her life that she is still figuring what she wants. You might be a guy she needed at a time, but you had fulfilled her needs which is why she would gain every opportunity to break off with you, but too insecure to say it in your face. The excuse came when you got caught and then the final excuse came when you got caught twice. You think women don't know these things? They do as they have intuitive capabilities better than men does. Intuitive feelings are called gut feelings or some people call is E.S.P and are a born trait for women to communicate with babies cause babies can't speak.

A loving relationship that last come from 2 mature individuals who know what they really want in their life. Sometimes 20 year olds can be mature enough to know what they want; but really the majority of 20 year olds are too busy banging guys or gals to gain the experience and become mature enough to find out what they want in a partner later in their life.

You shouldn't be making any comments on her life of what she can do or achieve, because in her mind, you are a failure to herself since you are basically criticizing her dream. If she has a dream, a good man SUPPORTS her despite if her dream is outlandish or unachievable. That's your big mistake.

In your younger years, you have dreams and only when you become older that you have the means to make them come true! This is old wisdom. What if she achieved what she set out to do and became successful? In her mind, you are basically a poor looser. A lot of men are thought by women this way in their later years -- loosers who don't believe in me and what I could do.

Look.. I had been in that place myself too.

Personally, the damage is done and all of you are just using each other for emotional and sexual support. And that's the way it is for people who treat boyfriend or girlfriend as 2nd best.

Edited October 7, 2013 by happydate

October 7, 2013

Imho, support is helping someone while reminding him that his dream may be unreachable. You will be more crushed if you dont be on ground and have a backup plan. But people want to hear "YES! YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING! LIMIT IS THE SKYE" else is not support... I appreciate more an "i am here to help you but you must be carefull because there is always the chance of failure" stylish support. The "limit is skye" stylish support is for the kids and immature people.

When these women are failing their unreachable goals what they are saying? Maybe something similar to "The winner was right! I am lucky to be held on ground!"??? I doubt...

Edited October 7, 2013 by conf

October 7, 2013

sorry, but what are these dreams of hers you are referring to? if her dream is to receive benefits for her looks and do nothing but work a meaningless, dead end job that will only support a penny-pinching lifestyle in San Francisco, she has accomplished her goal

October 7, 2013

also, in regard to the idea she jumped at the chance to leave me, during our relationship, I was the one who considered leaving her. She had been trying the entire time to make me commit verbally to being with her for the forseeable future. For a time I thought i'd be going to school out of state and was a bit wishy washy about whether or not she'd come with. But she was willing to go wherever I went and give up everything she had and everyone she knew in SF at the time. It was not that I didn't love her, but I wish I had been wish more women before meeting her so that I could realize how wonderful she was while I was with her. You know the grass is always greener type thing. She wanted to bring me to the Philippines to meet her family and told me in retrospect she believed we would be together forever before everything went bad.

Just thought I'd add a bit of perspective. She has also, as I mentioned left highly visible ties to me and our relationship on social media and leaves her relationship status as single

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Had we met in our late 20s, it would have been forever. Picking up the pieces

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