yorkie Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 right where to start this is long and i apologies now. on the 30th aug i split with my gf of 12 and a half years i stupidly asked for a 3sum. anyway since then she has said that she has not loved me for years andi find that hard to believe as we were close. she did get a new job working nights and i blame that for us growing apart and wanting different things, but again on our nights off we would spend quality time together. she also said i smothered her and that i was possessive which to some degree i was but also she was to. i have accepted that and i am going for counselling. we also have two children 11 and 7. i left on the 30th aug and came back after the weekend she has since moved out and she lives with her parents. i have both my kids and the dream house which we rent. its now been 5 and half weeks since we split and she said she does not know if she loves me but knows she doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore with me. she told me to grow some balls and move on. also after two weeks i made a noose and nearly hung myself she told me she was busy at work when i called her with the noose round my neck. since then she said she knw i would not of done it. i really was ready to end it. but i then thought of my kids. thing is i cant move on as i know deep down she loves me. all her family are nice to me and still treat me as one of the family. her gran thinks she will come back, and that she will regret the decsion to leave, and yet sometimes i think listening to that is keeping me hanging in there. but what comes out of my exs mouth is its over. 5 and a half weeks this is mad. i have tried no contact but that has failed please can someone give me some good advice and even pm me from both sides of views woman and blokes thanks
Beautiful diamond Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 My friend. I am almost to tears from your post. You sound like a wonderful man, good father, just overall good guy. She on the other hand sounds heartless. After 12 and a half years she may need a break. Women sometimes get the GIGS. She takes you for granted and wants what she thinks is missing. That is her problem! Do not feel guilt or blame! She is the screwed up one. Why on earth would you want to reunite with her? You were driven to hanging a noose around your neck and that "woman" taunted you. Please please PLEASE leave her alone. Co parent but tell her you are NOT interested in reuniting. Please see, she will get exactly what she is wanting, some dude to treat her like dirt. Know there is a good woman waiting for you to come find her. But until you severe ties with that dragon, you can not move forward. Your self worth and self esteem has been obliterated. Understand she does not love you. At best she resents you. Please love yourself and your children and give her the boot. This relationship has been bad for years right? You fought because of your kids? She is nasty and insufferable?? Trust me it will not go back to how it was in the beginning. She is an evil woman and will not change. The only reason she would come back to you is because she is desperate for you to boost her ego. If you feel unfit or too hurt to tell her it's over, I offer to do it. It broke my heart reading your post. No one deserves that. Feel good, because she did you a favor. Please pray and hug your kids all the more. You will be ok. She can only hurt you if you allow her.
Author yorkie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 hey thank you so much for that reply that is just what i needed. the problem is i still love her and dont get me wrong im no angel i have also said some horrible things but only after she has. she chose her job over our family. all her family have said she is making the biggest mistake of her life. thing is i still love her and need help getting over her tbh i hate her i really do but im scared now that if she did say to me that she wants me back i will say yes as she is tunning and a good person. when we were making it work she was not acting and i know she loves me but she wont admit it or even think about it. your right though i am trying to move on i have some good work mates who have said im an attractive good guy, but its the loneliness that is hurting i have lost half of me and it hurts like hell and tbh i know this sounds harsh but im glad i got the dream house and the kids and i hope she rots in hell but then again i do love her im confused. she expects me just to get over her straight away and she is spiteful. she blamed me for being possessive but she used me and was of me! feel like i9 have no real mates to go out with everyone is coupled up and i cant go to clubs or owt cos i have the kids during the week. its hard really hard
Chi townD Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 you need to start the 180. Here it is: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." The 180 will show her that you are moving on with your life without her in a healthy manner. And most importantly, without her. If she doesn't come back to the relationship, then that's fine because the 180 also helps you to disengage from the relationship as well. Helps you to move on quicker. 4
Author yorkie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 wow thats alot to take in but i will absorb that info and move on tbh i can nether have her back after reading the two replies as yes she isnt the caring person i fell for anymore. its the loneliness that hurts but other people say im good looking and kind and a god guy so thats what im gonna believe and i will move on secretly though i will be happy when she rots in hell as she has abused me and my trust and love so thank you to both of you!
Chi townD Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Even if you don't want her back, a lot of the 180 will help you to move on. Now, you don't have to follow each and every step or bulletmark, just take away the ones that apply to your situation and leave the rest.
Author yorkie Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 i mean that with my heart, you guys have said your views which i wanted so a big thank you i will keep you all updated and yes there are times when i want what we had back but the truth is thats gone for ever. even if we did get back together its gone. and now i am determined to do things for me and my kids. she has moved on so she says and i am going to. thank you all very much and i will keep you updated and to everyone else reading this. if someone can hurt you so much do you really want them back especially after you have pleaded so much etc. no its their loss and its her loss. yes it hurts like hell and one day when she does find another guy i hope she is happy and i hope she messes that up to. end of the day i have my kids and our house she has nothing so i came out on top! lol wow you guys have helped me thanks alot! 1
Blastoplast Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 You have yourself and your children to live for, take solace in that. Give yourself time to heal, it won't be easy -- but not all things in life are. You will be a stronger man in the end, your children need you to be their rock, and they can be yours. Many people on these boards have been in similar situations as you. You can take this event and turn it into a positive -- my situation was liberating and I wish I could honestly thank my EX for making it happen. You will have moments of weakness, but think of all the great things that you personally have in your life and it will make those moments of weakness less painful. Good luck
Author yorkie Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 i woke up this morning and had breakfast with my kids and you know what all of the kind messages are right. im gonna move on and nether ever take her back in my head lol so thanks alot 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 i woke up this morning and had breakfast with my kids and you know what all of the kind messages are right. im gonna move on and nether ever take her back in my head lol so thanks alot I commend your strength. You deserve and will get better
Author yorkie Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 yes its been a couple of days, since i last posted. today she picked the kids up and brought them home, she stayed for a bit then i asked her to leave whilst i sit down with my kids for tea. she was surprised but left quietly. also i feel strong tbh i hate her for what she has done and im happy she has gone i have also been on a date today. yes that seems mad i know but it was only a drink and we are gonna arrange another date maybe a few more drinks and a night out. obviously i will not be introducing the new woman to my kids for some time to make sure she is right for me but wow i got confidence and i feel good. !
Author yorkie Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 right i thought i should give you all an update, its nearly been 7 weeks, i have had many down days but a few up days. recently though she has turned nasty, my son fell out with her he is 11 she accused me of turning him against her which i did not and i told her that, i actually persuaded him to go and spend time with her. i now know its over and accept she is not the woman for me. she turned nasty and vile. and although some of you may say its part of the process to hate her i really do. and there is no way on this planet i will give in to that she dumped me and my kids which are her kids to. i know she still loves me but if anyone else is in this situation and you have kids dont let them into your house. even if they say they wanna see the kids make them take the kids out. i feel strong now and im moving on. i dont want anyone else to love as i do also love her but i will nether have my heart broken to the point they choose there job over your life. thank you all for support i will keep you posted
Author yorkie Posted October 20, 2013 Author Posted October 20, 2013 i really need help guys! its now been 8 weeks since we split, and my head is a shed! i have the kids living with me and i have the house. she has constantly been guilt tripping me and arguing with me every time we see each other! i was the big man a few days ago and said no matter how we feel for each other. we need to get opn for the kids! she accepted that but i have also stopped her from entering my house! but i am in constant contact with her family and her gran is my support she cant understand my she doing this and im lost she keeps saying she thinks she will see sense which i know isnt helping me. i also feel so alone! i dont have many friends my own age and cos i have the kids full time i cant go join a gym or some sort of club to meet new people. please help me also if anyone here is from york uk get in touch would be good to make new friends also how do i make new friends someone who i can have a laugh with and go out and enjoy myself with. im really struggling today, any advice will be appreciated
reddragon588 Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 i really need help guys! its now been 8 weeks since we split, and my head is a shed! i have the kids living with me and i have the house. she has constantly been guilt tripping me and arguing with me every time we see each other! i was the big man a few days ago and said no matter how we feel for each other. we need to get opn for the kids! she accepted that but i have also stopped her from entering my house! but i am in constant contact with her family and her gran is my support she cant understand my she doing this and im lost she keeps saying she thinks she will see sense which i know isnt helping me. i also feel so alone! i dont have many friends my own age and cos i have the kids full time i cant go join a gym or some sort of club to meet new people. please help me also if anyone here is from york uk get in touch would be good to make new friends also how do i make new friends someone who i can have a laugh with and go out and enjoy myself with. im really struggling today, any advice will be appreciated Many gyms have day care centers or something so you can bring the kids along and have someone take care of them while you're working out. 2
Chi townD Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 (edited) Reddragon is right. There are a lot of daycare centers in Gyms nowadays. Look into it. Plus, the kids would probably love a smoothie after you get done with your workout. If you have a hobby or an interest, look for clubs in your area. A lot of these clubs have webpages and forums. For instance, I literally just looked up cycling clubs in York. First search is Clifton Cycling Club in York. The have club membership, discussion boards and when their next rides are. You can start to meet people in the discussion boards and meet them in person at the rides! Great way to meet people. Did another search for Mud Runs in York! Came up with about 10 different races in your area. I'm sure that there are running clubs in your area that do these as a group. Become part of that group! Just did another search and you could join the Sub Aqua Club in York! You can get your dive certification through them and become a diver. They have trips all over the place to go scuba diving! Point I'm trying to get at, is I just did three simple little searches of things I would be interested in, in your area and found a wealth of information and it took me all of two minutes. Now, I know you have the kids, but you can always get grandma or grandpa to watch them while you run a race, or have them bring the kids to the race to cheer you on! Edited October 21, 2013 by Chi townD 1
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