Dreamworld Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hello. I was once an OW to a married man. His wife found out and our affair ended. I posted my story sometime in March but you don't have to know it for this question so I won't go into all the lengthy details again. I'll just use some parts for reference. If you were an OW/OM to a MM/MW where you had mutual friends,say, like in grad school (which was my case. I met my MM there and so we had friends together). The mutual friends never knew an affair had taken place at all (or perhaps pretended not to notice) so once it ends, if you were in this position, would you end all contact with every person who remotely knows your AP? Or just the close ones? Or stay friends with them since they became your friends separate from the affair but they just happen to be friends with your AP? Or would this be too risky and just open up a can of worms? And would it be obvious to his close friends if I were in touch with everyone except him? I cut contact with most of these people, especially those who knew the AP well as well as his wife, but it's still a question I ponder. And some of them have recently dropped a note to say hello and I don't know if I should answer or not. I feel guilty. Maybe the fact that I have to think about this means I should continue NC with everyone. Guess it's what I deserve for doing such a horrible thing. Thank you for reading my thoughts. Curious to hear your takes on this.
Feb Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hello. I was once an OW to a married man. His wife found out and our affair ended. I posted my story sometime in March but you don't have to know it for this question so I won't go into all the lengthy details again. I'll just use some parts for reference. If you were an OW/OM to a MM/MW where you had mutual friends,say, like in grad school (which was my case. I met my MM there and so we had friends together). The mutual friends never knew an affair had taken place at all (or perhaps pretended not to notice) so once it ends, if you were in this position, would you end all contact with every person who remotely knows your AP? Or just the close ones? Or stay friends with them since they became your friends separate from the affair but they just happen to be friends with your AP? Or would this be too risky and just open up a can of worms? And would it be obvious to his close friends if I were in touch with everyone except him? I cut contact with most of these people, especially those who knew the AP well as well as his wife, but it's still a question I ponder. And some of them have recently dropped a note to say hello and I don't know if I should answer or not. I feel guilty. Maybe the fact that I have to think about this means I should continue NC with everyone. Guess it's what I deserve for doing such a horrible thing. Thank you for reading my thoughts. Curious to hear your takes on this. I'm having this exact same problem. In my case I worked with my xAP, but for this situation it's no different than grad school. We met at work, hung out with a group of people together. Some were his friends, some were mine. No one knew about the A -- or like you said, pretended not to notice or didn't tell me they knew (that's a whole other story). I left the job, but there is a lot of overlap in social circles between us. His friends and our mutual friends still contact me and want to get together for lunch, dinner, etc. and I just can't. I don't ignore their emails, but always think of an excuse not to go. Here's where it really gets awkward. His friend keeps contacting me wanting the three of us to get together, because the three of us were close at work. He and xAP still talk regularly and I guess xAP told friend that we are fighting and not speaking to each other, or something to that effect. So friend contacts me, and asks why we are fighting and mad at each other. I play innocent and told him I'm not mad at him, and not sure what is going on. So THEN, I have to break NC and emailed xAP, just telling him we probably shouldn't tell other parties we are angry and not speaking to each other. xAP says he's not angry with me and he's over it. Our emails exchange was not cold or hostile ... friendly but it didn't cross any lines. Neither of us even asked "how are you", it was just an email you would exchange with a co-worker in neutral territory., and no emails have been exchanged since. Even with that 'closure', it would still be terribly awkward to be anywhere with him, even in a group setting. I'm sure our body language and what we do or don't say would relay a lot. I can't stay friends with these people. Even with our mutual friends, he still sees them everyday in the office and I don't, so I'm the one that has to give up those relationships, and it hurts because I've known them for over 10 years. This is the price I pay for he A, so I'm only blaming myself for this mess. But to answer your question, yes, everyone is going to sense something is wrong when you are close to everyone else and you don't even exchange a 'Hi' with your xAP. I'm letting these other friendships die off slowly. I don't initiate contact, I don't go out with them. I do reply to their emails and am friendly in the emails ... I always tell them how busy the new job is, more travel, etc. We still have a lot of overlap with my current workplace, so these people will always be in my life in some way, even if it's small. I hear ya, Dreamworld. This A is the gift that just keeps on giving. :-(
HighheelsAries Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 You need to ask yourself if you wish to be friends with people who knew about or turned a blind eye to the affair. Are these people really friends who encouraged such amoral behavior? Would you want to be friends with these people? They may have been friends to your affair, but friends will certainly point out the error of your ways if they were real friends. To do or say nothing because " its not their business" is what allows evil to flourish.
Author Dreamworld Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) Feb. Wow. I could have written your post. Just omit grad school for work, asking to meet: substitute three of us getting together for four of us, and we'd have identical posts. Wow. Same with him seeing those friends a whole lot more often than me. I am a single mom so I don't even have time to see my own friends. But just like you, I can't seem to find it in me to see them. I haven't initiated anything since the affair ended either. And I was ok until recently with brief replies, but now people started to contact again more frequently and it got me thinking all over again. And I totally agree with you. This is the price to pay for what I did. It may mean having to completely say goodbye to my entire grad school class. Gatherings and events, and weddings have already been goners for me since d-day. It doesn't help that he was one of those leader types who was head of the golf club, the party planning committee, the wine tasting group, you get the idea. People just think (maybe not?) I am just really really busy. Man as I write this I am reminded again: what the **** was I thinking. I used the pain of my divorce at the time to justify the affair but that is all a bunch of crap. I can see how big that pile of crap was the more time passes. HighheelAries, if I was sure the friends knew about the affair, this wouldn't even be a question. I would cut contact without hesitation. Plus word would have already gotten around, people would talk behind closed doors, just yuck. But I don't know if they know or not. So far they are acting like they don't. I won't ever know. I got a good grasp from what I should do from the replies but one last question. What about social media? We all stayed "friends" on SNS, think of it as the U.S equivalent of Facebook? I cut my friendship with the AP and blocked him after d-day of course but the rest I have just kind of left there, but took them off my update feed and such so I wouldn't really have to "see" them. You think I should just unfriend all of them as well? Like Feb said, it might look funny there as well. Seeing that I am friends with everyone *except* him. That's all I had to ask. Thanks again. Edited October 8, 2013 by Dreamworld
Feb Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Feb. Wow. I could have written your post. Just omit grad school for work, asking to meet: substitute three of us getting together for four of us, and we'd have identical posts. Wow. Same with him seeing those friends a whole lot more often than me. I am a single mom so I don't even have time to see my own friends. But just like you, I can't seem to find it in me to see them. I haven't initiated anything since the affair ended either. And I was ok until recently with brief replies, but now people started to contact again more frequently and it got me thinking all over again. And I totally agree with you. This is the price to pay for what I did. It may mean having to completely say goodbye to my entire grad school class. Gatherings and events, and weddings have already been goners for me since d-day. It doesn't help that he was one of those leader types who was head of the golf club, the party planning committee, the wine tasting group, you get the idea. People just think (maybe not?) I am just really really busy. Man as I write this I am reminded again: what the **** was I thinking. I used the pain of my divorce at the time to justify the affair but that is all a bunch of crap. I can see how big that pile of crap was the more time passes. HighheelAries, if I was sure the friends knew about the affair, this wouldn't even be a question. I would cut contact without hesitation. Plus word would have already gotten around, people would talk behind closed doors, just yuck. But I don't know if they know or not. So far they are acting like they don't. I won't ever know. I got a good grasp from what I should do from the replies but one last question. What about social media? We all stayed "friends" on SNS, think of it as the U.S equivalent of Facebook? I cut my friendship with the AP and blocked him after d-day of course but the rest I have just kind of left there, but took them off my update feed and such so I wouldn't really have to "see" them. You think I should just unfriend all of them as well? Like Feb said, it might look funny there as well. Seeing that I am friends with everyone *except* him. That's all I had to ask. Thanks again. Highheel -- I agree with DreamW, I have no evidence to support that anyone really knew about our affair. In fact I would say since people are actively inviting us both to the same events, I would guess they didn't know about it. I was just reflecting on a thread on LS about body language and I'm sure someone suspected something, but I don't know to what extent. DreamWeaver -- as far as social media, I was never Facebook friends with xAP. In retrospect this is odd since we were so close in the affair compartment, but outside of it we weren't Facebook friends and we didn't even have a single photo of each other. This made NC easy, but it goes to show you that subconsciously or not there were certain areas where we didn't cross over into each other's real life. I'm still FB friends with my old co-workers (his current friends and co-workers). I'm not active on FB, so I just read and never post anything. I have un-friended them, but I haven't talked to them in so long, I wonder if they will unfriend me at some point. They don't talk about xAP in their posts, so that's fine. I know it's going to be hard DreamWeaver. I'm assuming since you are in grad school you are younger than I am (20's or early 30's), so there will be a lot of events in your old social circle with weddings, showers, and such that will be difficult to get out of. But I agree with the general consensus that you might just have to fade away and find a new group of friends. I use my kids as an excuse too for getting out of the get togethers. Hang in there! You are definitely not alone.
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