Does cheating affect the children?

[rumbleseat]

Not wanting to thread jack anymore , I have started this thread to discuss the impact infidelity can have on children.

 

I think it has a big impact on them, and that even if they are not directly told about it, it can have a negative influence on their lives and future relationships.

 

What do you think?

 

Here are some links about the subject:

 

 

How Does Infidelity Affect Children: Interview With Kelli Korn | eRelationshipAdviceCafe

 

 

http://digitool.library.colostate.edu///exlibris/dtl/d3_1/apache_media/L2V4bGlicmlzL2R0bC9kM18xL2FwYWNoZV9tZWRpYS8xNzUwMzE=.pdf

 

 

If you feel it is appropriate,lease state your experience with these subject, as it may help to understand our perspective.

[ChooseTruth]

The fact that we have separated because of it and (still almost...) divorced definitely affects my daughter. I think we handled the divorce pretty well so I haven't seen a lot of signs from her but there have definitely been crying sessions that absolutely break my heart. The last time was one night when I came in to put her to bed and I could see her eyes were red. I asked her what was wrong and she said said, "I want you and Mommy to get back together." I just hugged her and tried my best to console her as she sobbed on my shoulder. I said it was the biggest hurt in my life, and that the worst part of it all was seeing her hurt.

 

The thing I hate most about infidelity is how it affects the children.

[crederer]

Yep. Big effect. To think they don't understand what's going on is false. They may not be able to put it into words and articulate it, but the know exactly what's happening.

 

I don't have studies to back it up, I lived it.

[jlola]

Yep. Big effect. To think they don't understand what's going on is false. They may not be able to put it into words and articulate it, but the know exactly what's happening.

 

I don't have studies to back it up, I lived it.

 

I understood. And the fact there was a child born from my father's affair with a MOW who tried to pass the child off as her husbands made it difficult no to eventually find out.

I did not find out about father's infidelity till relatives told me. My mother said nothing. I believe she did not want us to have another reason t beg her to leave a man she had such a dysfunctional relationship with. I realized some of my cousin's knew before me(kids are nosy and will eavesdrop) and THAT was even more humiliating. My father's affair were as humiliating and killed self esteem as much as his physical abuse did.

 

I also have a friend who's mother had an affair which effected him great. he says he wishes his parents had discussed it and sent them for therapy rather than try to sweep it under the rug. When he tells you about his childhood he will say he was a quiet child. but things changed after his mother's affair with a baseball coach at 9. He then became defiant, disrespected his mother, began to drink and smoke. he will say it was the most horrible time of his life. He then had an affair with a MW who he fell madly in love with.

 

Now he says stepping back and looking at the affair, he sees the selfishness of his affair partner and the incredible pain and disrespect he gave to her husband. Ironically he felt sorry for his father, but always said he would never allow a woman to do to him what his mother did to his father. But he helped and enabled a woman to hurt a man he never knew. later on he found out from everyone the husband was really a great guy ,BUT the WS was his affair partner in his firts marriage. KArma came back. The OM is now going to therapy to face FOO issues he now realizes affected him and his relationships greatly.

[seren]

Our son was an adult when H had the A. he came home early mid D Day revelation and heard everything, most of our street did too, I'm afraid my incredulous yelling meant most of the county heard too. He was about 22 yrs, he isn't the natural son of my H, but as his father left and had no contact, chose to call him Dad, they were very close.

 

Our son always loved to see me and H together, simply because we had a very loving relationship. During D Day and on reflection, in the month's run up before he met OW, H distanced himself a little, his odd behaviour had us both worrying for him and thinking it was work stress (which it was). H and son used to go to the gym together on the weekend when H came home, during the A this stopped, we later found out this was when he and OW would meet. Our son saw me, his usually strong, assertive, confident Mum, cry, become depressed as I didn't know what was going on, gaslighting had me question my perception and no matter how hard I tried to hide it, my son knows me well enough to know when I am putting up a front.

 

When he heard the awfulness of D Day, my immediate reaction was to do damage limitation for him and my H, I told our son that no matter what had happened his Dad needed a hug and to know he was loved by our boy. This happened and I think this is what helped to save their relationship. I took pains to not lean on our son for support, H was away from home working during the week. OW became very stalkerish, did some pretty crap things which affected both me and my son, who she was didn't help as she had a poor reputation, people talk and he hated that.

 

Often people think it's just younger children that are affected, possibly by hearing things little ears shouldn't, that's down to both parents to ensure that doesn't happen. Time away from them while the A is happening is often not properly understood, there is an emotional distancing that children, even young children pick up on. It was the lack of respect that my H found hard to deal with, that he felt he had let himself down and that our son thought less of him. It is hard to have a moral high ground as a parent when you, yourself have been found wanting.

 

Now, 6 years on, our son has just got married, he and I have spoken about the A very little, only when initiated by him, he has never discussed it with H. I have made a point of not badmouthing H or OW, I abhor cheating, my son hates it too, he feels sorry for H as he says, it must be awful to live with such regret, guilt and not be able to rub it out or blame anyone else for it, which is true, but what the A had done was to make our son wary of long term relationships, not until me and H renewed our vows did I think our son feel that me and his Dad were back on track. Sorry for the long ramble, this is something I feel strongly about.

[crederer]

Seren, you took the high road, which is commendable, but the reality is your child probably felt different about their father after and will always. My mum stepped out and quite frankly, the only reason we have any sort of relationship is out of a sense of duty for her. Underneath, I have a lot of resentment towards her. I'm sure your kid/s feel the same.

 

My mother (who was the cheating spouse) always speaks negatively about my father, my father never says ANYTHING bad about my mum but encourages me to have a relationship with her because, as he says, she is my mother and I ought to respect her.

 

Luckily he has found a good woman that respects his ways.

[darkmoon]

a long time ago, I was an OW, I did not think my presence would matter, the MM wanted me to visit his wife who wanted to meet me

 

 

so ashamed of myself for even thinking about this now, the meeting turned into an argument between him and the BS which woke the children up, two cute kids age 5 & 6 looking at me quizzically, there's mom and dad yelling and then me the mystery stranger, I bet somebody will see no big deal here, I had no right to steal their dad away, I even went there dressed up like it was a date, a cheap sh*t

 

 

she is/was the child's mother, he chose her for this, for marriage and family, I regret my actions and my assumption and vanity, looking back I see that I deserved a slap, which the BS actually gave me when she turned up at my home, purposefully catching the MM and I out (he obeyed her and left when she did) I even felt like the victim at the time, I was very selfish and very stupid - she was real the victim, trying to protect her young

Edited October 7, 2013 by darkmoon

[Fredflintstone]

I know both of mine have, my oldest was very angry at my wife, he said he could see it coming. My youngest isn't stupid and as he actually met the guy and became friends with his son the penny eventually dropped for him too with all the arguments that happened. He cried alot but we've tried to be strong to make him feel better, seems to be working so far

[Got it]

I really think it depends. I think there are many marriages that reconcile with out telling the kids about the infidelity and while there was an awareness of issues it doesn't mean that cheating directly affected the kids.

 

In my case, no I really don't think it did. Apparently my mom had had an affair when we were very young and my parents stayed together. I found out about it from my dad when they divorced almost 2 decades later. While I didn't LOVE to hear it, I was actually more just annoyed that such a glaring red flag was there about their marriage and yet it continued on subjecting us to it.

 

So the impact was, I was pissed that they stayed married more than the affair. Just more of an eye rolling moment. There were enough other issues from both of them from the years later that really diminished the impact of this and it wasn't like I had either parent on any type of pedestal for them to fall off.

 

In my affair, yes it did affect his kids. Yes some of it was absolutely tied to finding out their dad had an affair and the impact on their mom. The oldest was used a great support for their mother so she was more involved than she should have so it had the most impact on her. I have a good relationship with the younger ones (all teens) but I have been upfront and honest with them and have apologized a number of times for my role in everything.

 

Their mother had had an affair a few years prior but it has never been disclosed to the kids so I don't think it had an impact on them. My husband doesn't plan to tell them as he doesn't want the weight of that on them. He feels that enough is enough and they don't need to know any thing else even if "it would even the sides".

[cocorico]

I was a teen when my father met a woman and fell in love. Yes, it affected us - but in a very different way

 

My father would be happy when he came home, he'd smile, chat to us and interact. He didn't just walk in, grab the paper and sit down to drink his coffee with a scowl before locking himself away in his workshop until supper time. He didn't spend supper time fuming at my mother's constant nagging or swatting away her jibes with barbed comments of his own. He didn't grab a bottle f wine and head off to stare at the TV the minute he finished eating. He became a different person, one who actually noticed he had kids, who would debate current affairs with us, who'd ask us about our day, who'd laugh at our jokes or offer his own. It was the best time of our childhood.

 

He waited for us to leave home, then he divorced our mother and married his lover. I still resent the fact that he stayed "for the kids", but I guess he knew that back then, the mother would get the kids. I was so jealous of my friends whose parents were D because their homes were not war zones, and they had two parents who both loved them, rather than two parents who hated each other and couldn't see anything beyond that.

[rumbleseat]

I was a teen when my father met a woman and fell in love. Yes, it affected us - but in a very different way

 

My father would be happy when he came home, he'd smile, chat to us and interact. He didn't just walk in, grab the paper and sit down to drink his coffee with a scowl before locking himself away in his workshop until supper time. He didn't spend supper time fuming at my mother's constant nagging or swatting away her jibes with barbed comments of his own. He didn't grab a bottle f wine and head off to stare at the TV the minute he finished eating. He became a different person, one who actually noticed he had kids, who would debate current affairs with us, who'd ask us about our day, who'd laugh at our jokes or offer his own. It was the best time of our childhood.

 

He waited for us to leave home, then he divorced our mother and married his lover. I still resent the fact that he stayed "for the kids", but I guess he knew that back then, the mother would get the kids. I was so jealous of my friends whose parents were D because their homes were not war zones, and they had two parents who both loved them, rather than two parents who hated each other and couldn't see anything beyond that.

 

Really, what kind of a father treats his kids this way? Your story speaks volumes about your father and his issues, but not so much about how affairs affect children. You also prove my point, though I suspect you were trying to do anything but.

 

The fact that he would keep his children suffering, while he skulked off so he could avoid your mother, was perhaps an alcoholic as he grabbed a bottle of wine every night, then all of a sudden POOF! He meets ms. wonderful and suddenly notices his kids? What does this say about him?

 

According to your own words, he spent basically zero time with you, but he didn't want to divorce because then he would spend zero time with you? Does that make any sense? Maybe I would buy your argument if he was an involved father to start with, but even you say he wasn't. You say your home life was bad, and if one reads between the lines, you are implying that your mother made it that way, yet he kept you there, in an unhappy home, rather than divorce and lose out on the comforts his home, and by extension, she, brought to him? It seems it took him finding a a comfy place to go before he would leave, and the well being of is children wasn't enough. I'm very sorry that happened to you, and it must, on some level, be a very painful thing to have to live with. Your well being was not enough to make your dad leave, but his ow was. That's just plain nasty.

 

It sounds like you have some issues with desperately wanting your daddy to notice and protect you when you were a child. It also sounds like you have some issues with your mother, and maybe there was a while lot more going on than you knew about. You just knew that it affected you, which is the way children are. Perhaps if your mom and dad had decided to divorce, even if it was a one sided decision, and explained to you that they were not happy together and had decided to go their separate ways, they both loved you but they just couldn't live together anymore, things may have been very different for you growing up, and the love you wanted from your dad may have been given to you so much earlier. It's just sad that it took him fidning a comfortable exit to start paying attention to you.

 

I do thank you for proving my point and providing an excellent example.. The feelings of the parents affect the children, even if they don't know why the parents have the feelings they do. Instead of blaming your mother because your father was a pretty terrible dad when you were very young and letting this color your life, I would suggest therapy as a way to get your feelings sorted out.

Edited October 7, 2013 by rumbleseat

[rumbleseat]

The whole logic of cheating somehow not affecting the children is predicated on the argument that the children will never know. It is also predicated on the idea that children will never know, or somehow are not able to figure out that mom and dad are not happy.

 

 

I think that children know a lot more than some would give them credit for, and this day and age, they are more savvy than many would like to think. They have grown up with technology, and even very young children notice when mom or dad is always texting, is online a lot, or is hiding when they use their phone.

 

Even if technology isn't/wasn't used, they can tell when mom and dad are distant from one another,are unhappy, are not functioning as a parenting unit. Many blame themselves or simply get the idea that this is how relationships are either supposed to be, or they just are. they learn not to trust and they learn that people will let you down.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that a husband and wife should stay in a bad marriage, or that they should subject themselves to 18 years of misery. What people are saying is that there are healthy solutions to the problem that do not involve the negative impact of an affair. Counseling, open marriage, divorce are all options. Talking to your children and getting counseling for them to help them through the divorce is an option.

 

I can honestly say that after seeing for myself the impact that cheating can have on children, even if they never knew that what the problem was, I would never subject a child to that. Sure, maybe they will come out okay, but is it worth the risk?

[jlola]

 

I completely agree. People who say it's for the kids, but stay in horrible marriages are not doing the kids any further. Just prolonging suffering. happiness comes from a home with happy people. You do not need two parents to create happiness. But 2 parents always in conflict that have no love for each other can ruin the atmosphere of the home.

[peaksandvalleys]

I guess I will know soon enough. I hate that we will all know how it affects them.

[thefooloftheyear]

I completely agree. People who say it's for the kids, but stay in horrible marriages are not doing the kids any further. Just prolonging suffering. happiness comes from a home with happy people. You do not need two parents to create happiness. But 2 parents always in conflict that have no love for each other can ruin the atmosphere of the home.

 

Yes,

 

But its all in how the parents choose to handle it...Parents can live somewhat harmoniously for the sake of their children-if that is their plan...Its all about not making your problems their problems...The sad part is that too often, one parent gets vindictive and decides to use the children as pawns in some stupid game...

 

I dont care what anyone says...Unless there is drug abuse, physical violence or some other devastating issue., divorce is NOT what kids want...Divorcees say this to alleviate their own guilt for turning their kids lives upside down...They dont care about their parents happiness..They just dont want their lives turned upside down...Kids are selfish in that way(its not a bad thing-its just the way kids are-most grow out of it)..

 

 

TFY

[KathyM]

Cheating definitely does negatively affect children. Even adult children. I know of many children personally who have been psychologically damaged due to their parent's infidelity. Some of whom I treat in counseling. Many of these kids develop major trust issues, and find it very difficult to trust a relationship partner. Some go on to think that cheating O.K. because their parent laid the groundwork for that behavior. Some can't function in a relationship because they are so psychologically damaged. Some have very low self esteem because of it. Some may be able to function and have trust, but their trust in and respect for their parent is permanently damaged. Children suffer a great deal when a parent is unfaithful. Many consider it a betrayal of them in addition to the BS. Some children even blame themselves for the betrayal. A cheating parent really messes with a child's mind. The child's world is shaken, their trust is shaken, and the people they need to trust in order to be psychologically healthy, have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. That can really screw a kid up. I think people underestimate the damage done to these kids from their infidelity. I've seen the damage first hand. In my clients and the kids that I know personally whose parent had cheated.

[cocorico]

Really, what kind of a father treats his kids this way? Your story speaks volumes about your father and his issues, but not so much about how affairs affect children. You also prove my point, though I suspect you were trying to do anything but.

 

The fact that he would keep his children suffering, while he skulked off so he could avoid your mother, was perhaps an alcoholic as he grabbed a bottle of wine every night, then all of a sudden POOF! He meets ms. wonderful and suddenly notices his kids? What does this say about him?

 

Actually, my mother was (and still is) the alcoholic. My father was clinically depressed for most of the marriage. He lacked the resources, the knowledge and the insight to do things differently. It's not an excuse - I desperately wished things were different at the time - but it is a reason. It's very easy for someone today, with all the access to information, the insights of the last decades and the resources to act on it, to pass judgment on those who lacked those things back in decades past, but I guess that is the limit of their own imagination or empathy that prevents them from understanding how different constraints were.

 

According to your own words, he spent basically zero time with you, but he didn't want to divorce because then he would spend zero time with you? Does that make any sense? Maybe I would buy your argument if he was an involved father to start with, but even you say he wasn't. You say your home life was bad, and if one reads between the lines, you are implying that your mother made it that way, yet he kept you there, in an unhappy home, rather than divorce and lose out on the comforts his home, and by extension, she, brought to him? It seems it took him finding a a comfy place to go before he would leave, and the well being of is children wasn't enough. I'm very sorry that happened to you, and it must, on some level, be a very painful thing to have to live with. Your well being was not enough to make your dad leave, but his ow was. That's just plain nasty.

 

Actually, your assumptions are just plain wrong. He spent zero time with us when we were kids because that was how my mother decided the tasks should be split - as they were in most homes at that time. Father went out to work, ran the money side, dealt with the world outside. Mother ran hearth and home, took care of the kids, looked pretty. When we were teens, there was no "hands on fathering" to be seen anywhere, he was not unusual in that way, that's how it was except in divorced households on "Dad's weekends". And so no, he didn't stay because he was afraid of "zero time with us". He stayed because his income would not stretch to maintaining two comfortable homes, so we'd have had to move to a rough area, we'd have had no one around to keep an eye out if my mother went off the deep end again - and, as the one she used to beat up on, I would have been most at risk, and there would have been every chance that the welfare would have stepped in and carted us off to a children's home. My mother had grown up in a children's home and had filled our heads with scare stories so we were terrified of the welfare, even though as an adult I realise it would have been best for us.

 

And no, he didn't wait to find a comfy place to go before he left. He waited until we had all left home before he left. He had no idea whether she would wait for him or not - but he waited until he had "done his duty" and then left.

 

It sounds like you have some issues with desperately wanting your daddy to notice and protect you when you were a child. It also sounds like you have some issues with your mother, and maybe there was a while lot more going on than you knew about. You just knew that it affected you, which is the way children are. Perhaps if your mom and dad had decided to divorce, even if it was a one sided decision, and explained to you that they were not happy together and had decided to go their separate ways, they both loved you but they just couldn't live together anymore, things may have been very different for you growing up, and the love you wanted from your dad may have been given to you so much earlier. It's just sad that it took him fidning a comfortable exit to start paying attention to you.

 

Nope, he didn't find a "comfortable exit". He found love, and that gave him energy which inspired him to try to engage with us.

 

I did suggest to them, when I was about five, that they get divorced, but got beaten for suggesting that. It's not as though that would have been a shock. Nor was the scenario you suggest ever on the table - telling us they loved us?? I don't think the word "love" has ever crossed my mother's lips, and my father has only used it in recent years. This was not some feel good sitcom. Life back then was very different, perhaps you should read up on it.

 

I do thank you for proving my point and providing an excellent example.. The feelings of the parents affect the children, even if they don't know why the parents have the feelings they do. Instead of blaming your mother because your father was a pretty terrible dad when you were very young and letting this color your life, I would suggest therapy as a way to get your feelings sorted out.

 

Nope, I blame my mother for being a terrible mother. I blame my father for not leaving her sooner.

 

And nice dig about therapy - my feelings are just fine, thank you, but you might want to sort the log for your own eye before quibbling about splinters in the eyes of others.

[Quiet Storm]

I think the children of cheaters often have some of the same traits as adult children of alcoholics. There is saying "the bottle is the other woman", and that has some truth to it. Kids experience a lot of sneaky behavior, lies, omissions from those that they should be able to count on.

 

The coping skills that kids develop to get through it, end up causing problems for them later in life. Rationalization, justification, denial, detachment, magical thinking are often seen. Some will repeat parents behavior by having affairs, lying, escaping in other ways. Some will be very controlling.

 

Affairs & divorce hurt kids. Hoping the kids never find out about an affair is a huge risk to take. Especially in this day & age. Our grandfathers could go to war, have a fling with a Hawaiian girl, come home & no one would ever know. The OW would have no way to contact him. Nowadays, people leave digital trails. You can find people much easier. People are connected & see details & pictures of your friends, their friends, coworkers, family members in a few clicks.

 

I think people have affairs because of conflict avoidance, a desire to self medicate, or a sense of entitlement. All of these issues traits can harm a child. We teach kids how to cope with stress- and they will learn it whether we cope in healthy ways, or in self destructive ways. Kids aren't born learning how to deal with life, it's our job to teach them. They love us flaws & all, but they need to respect us, too.

[rumbleseat]

Actually, my mother was (and still is) the alcoholic. My father was clinically depressed for most of the marriage. He lacked the resources, the knowledge and the insight to do things differently. It's not an excuse - I desperately wished things were different at the time - but it is a reason. It's very easy for someone today, with all the access to information, the insights of the last decades and the resources to act on it, to pass judgment on those who lacked those things back in decades past, but I guess that is the limit of their own imagination or empathy that prevents them from understanding how different constraints were.

 

 

 

Actually, your assumptions are just plain wrong. He spent zero time with us when we were kids because that was how my mother decided the tasks should be split - as they were in most homes at that time. Father went out to work, ran the money side, dealt with the world outside. Mother ran hearth and home, took care of the kids, looked pretty. When we were teens, there was no "hands on fathering" to be seen anywhere, he was not unusual in that way, that's how it was except in divorced households on "Dad's weekends". And so no, he didn't stay because he was afraid of "zero time with us". He stayed because his income would not stretch to maintaining two comfortable homes, so we'd have had to move to a rough area, we'd have had no one around to keep an eye out if my mother went off the deep end again - and, as the one she used to beat up on, I would have been most at risk, and there would have been every chance that the welfare would have stepped in and carted us off to a children's home. My mother had grown up in a children's home and had filled our heads with scare stories so we were terrified of the welfare, even though as an adult I realise it would have been best for us.

 

And no, he didn't wait to find a comfy place to go before he left. He waited until we had all left home before he left. He had no idea whether she would wait for him or not - but he waited until he had "done his duty" and then left.

 

 

 

Nope, he didn't find a "comfortable exit". He found love, and that gave him energy which inspired him to try to engage with us.

 

I did suggest to them, when I was about five, that they get divorced, but got beaten for suggesting that. It's not as though that would have been a shock. Nor was the scenario you suggest ever on the table - telling us they loved us?? I don't think the word "love" has ever crossed my mother's lips, and my father has only used it in recent years. This was not some feel good sitcom. Life back then was very different, perhaps you should read up on it.

 

 

 

Nope, I blame my mother for being a terrible mother. I blame my father for not leaving her sooner.

 

And nice dig about therapy - my feelings are just fine, thank you, but you might want to sort the log for your own eye before quibbling about splinters in the eyes of others.

 

Hey. I was speaking in generalities in my op.you are the one who opened it up with a personal story. If you didn't want it discussed, then maybe you shouldn't have told it. This is a public forum, and I am free to voice my opinion about what people post. You may not like it, but that's the way the forum is.

 

 

As for things being different "back then" . I'm probably not that much younger than you,and my parents told me they loved me. My parents parents told them they loved them. It's got nothing to do with "things were different back then" and everything to do with a dysfunctional childhood, which I am sorry you had to endure. No one should.

 

Wile it may be true that fathers didn't spend as much time with their children years ago, they still let them know they loved and cared. Even a father who didn't spend much time with his kids could have made them feel loved. It seems you never got that. Instead, he left you to be beaten by your mother. That is sad, but it explains a lot, and, as I said, your example proved my point. Thanks

[todreaminblue]

yes it affected my children ....my oldest daughter was twelve.......she went to a rave and lost her virginity pretty sure she was slipped a mickey ...... while i was in a psyche hospital and her father was with his affair partner knocking boots short;ly after the affair split us, he refused to stay home with them even when i asked and begged him to stay there because i couldnt be there for them, until i got home and then he could go...one phone call i wont forget in a hurry is that phone call i was pleadign for him to look after them....... my oldest now is a teenage mum who is actually pretty responsible she is nineteen now and engaged....my other two girls were being minded by one of my best friends......the middle girl has post traumatic stress as it was hard for her to deal with abandonment and the shock break up.....came out of nowhere, she now has many issues and part of the mental health system...vulnerable to teen boys has been used gets treated like crap ..i have desire to hunt them down after i feel pretty helpless......major depressive episodes which could also be genetics, she cries alot has cut herself up has suicidal thoughts....but soemthign i am proud of she always sticks up for others.......especially new kids that come to the school....she has quite a few bodyguards at the school who see her beautiful soul, who would stick up for her as well she doesnt fit into mainstream school she goes to a school with other kids that dont fit in.....

 

my youngest daughter is the one who has the least problems i have bought her up mainly by myself.......she is pretty well adjusted , sporty loves her sports.......open friendly but often when she is hurt or confused she cries that her dad isnt around to help her.....they all have levels of resentment towards their father.......but they show respect and they dont say anything to him they say it to me ...and i try and work through it with them....they have my heart always with them

 

 

i do the best i can i can do better i try though......to always be there for them...i have remained celibate.....they are aware of that......they also know when they needed me to be there....i always am.......i feel responsible for them going off track because i got sick after th ebreak up and wasnt there......my daughter wouldnt have lost her virginity at twelve she wouldnt have gone to a rave she wopudl have been with me had i been there....and my second oldest wouldnt struggle so much with abandonment....i was forced to go to hospital ...i blame myself for being weak and getting sick ...so does infidelity affect kids......read my post again.....and then try and doubt it...it affects all involved for many years after the fact....deb

Edited October 8, 2013 by todreaminblue

[MissBee]

Of course it does, esp if they know about it. Even if they don't know there still may be behaviors and repercussions that affect them without them knowing the source of it.

[Lokahi117]

Especially if divorce follows. Then the chances of the children's lives being screwed up are beyond contestation. It's the main reason I've stayed with my wayward wife. Though I immediately chose to work out of state and I only get home now every six weeks to two months. So that has made "playing house" a whole lot easier on me.