How do I break up with my boyfriend?

[The Way I Am]

I've been with my boyfriend 1 year 11 months. I'm pretty sure I need to end it. There's nothing really wrong. We're not really compatible, and I don't feel attracted to him anymore.

 

I think he likes the idea of having me as his gf more than he actually likes me.

 

I've told him what I'm looking for. He offered to work on it, but we've had similar conversations before without it making a difference. Since we don't ultimately want the same things out of life (mostly kids), I feel like we're just dragging out the inevitable.

 

Here are my dilemmas:

 

1. I've never broken up with someone. The closest I've come is when a guy has acted like a total *ss, and I just never bothered returning calls.

 

2. His birthday is later this month. Our anniversary is shortly after that. His last gf broke up with him right before his birthday, and he had to go on antidepressants for it. I don't want to break up with him right before his birthday. But I also don't want to fake being happy for the sake of his birthday then turn around and break up with him.

 

3. This is the smallest concern, but still an issue nonetheless. He has a lot of my stuff stored in his parent's garage. I moved it there to make room for him to have a desk where he could work at my house. The stuff includes personal mementos, like my baby blanket, grade school pictures, etc. He's got slight anger issues, and it's possible that he would tear all of my stuff apart.

 

Anybody have suggestions on how to end it?

[kassy]

I'd get the stuff back first, say you want to sort through it and find places for what you decide to keep in your house

 

Then explain to him that you don't think there is a future in your relationship for the reasons you outlined above and that you think it's best for both of you in the long term to meet people you are more compatible with. Don't be mean, make it about things like kids etc where neither should have to compromise not anything which seems like an attack or that he has failed in some way. Apologise for the timing. Do it ASAP

[crederer]

If you know you're going to end it, do it asap.

 

You can arrange to get your stuff back through mutual friends or a girlfriend of yours can get it on your behalf.

 

Dragging it out will do him worse.

[elisee8d]

I'm sorry that I don't really have an advice on how to do it, but I just figured I'd share a little of my experience since our stories are eerily similar. My ex boyfriend broke up with me after a little less than a year and 11 months together. A week before my birthday, and a little less than a month away from our two year anniversary. My advice is to definitely DO IT before his birthday and the anniversary. Before he gets excited about plans the two of you will have, and before he gets you anything for your anniversary, or makes any kind of plans for you two. It's gonna suck a lot for him, and it'll probably ruin his birthday, he'll dread your anniversary date and maybe hide out in his house, but acting like thinks are all hunky dory, celebrating with him, and then blind sighting (siding?) him with it would be much worse. It's been about a year since my ex and I broke up, and I'm glad he didn't do it after my birthday and our anniversary, because I would have felt like a fool thinking everything was great knowing what he had been thinking. I was mad that that's when he chose to do it at first, but I'm thankful for it now. Also, if you do it that way, you don't run the risk of him having that as ammunition/reason to be angry with you about that... such as "then why did we celebrate our anniversary?!" Or any of that.. my ex also had anger issues, but I didn't have anything left at his house. I'm in my 20's, not sure of your age, but I would hope your ex would be more mature than to destroy your things. Also considering he lives with his parents, I'd assume they have enough of a sense of right and wrong to stop him if they see him ruining your property.

 

Break ups make people seriously look at where they went wrong, most people blame themselves for a while after getting dumped, and that causes a lot of looking inwards. Who knows, after a few months, you guys could try it again and hit it off great. The kids thing may or may not be a deal breaker for you and something that probably won't change, but that's your call to make when and if the time comes for getting back together and he's changed.

 

Anyways, I wish you luck and hope I helped a little bit!

[The Way I Am]

Thanks, all. Looks like the consensus is to do it before his birthday.

 

I don't know if I can ask for my stuff back without him wondering why or it being too obvious. I guess if I can't, I'll just have to risk it.

 

elisee8d, thanks especially for your input. That is ridiculously similar. So it helps knowing how you felt in that very similar situation. The kids things is that I don't want kids. He does. He knew that before he asked me out, so I wrongly assumed he was ok with it. But according to friends he confided in, he assumed that a 30 year old woman couldn't possibly not want kids. He's asked me about compromising on adoption or something. I said I'd consider it, but I just can't see myself doing that.

 

I just thought of something else. We have a lunch scheduled with our former coworkers for Tues. I still do freelance work with them, so I suggested we all get together for lunch. Do you think I should wait until after that?

 

He just sent me a text as I was writing this asking when we're going to open the beer I bought at the place we went this weekend. It was hard to read. I'm crying, because I know he does try, but I also know we're not going to work. I already feel horrible. I don't know what to tell him.

[The Way I Am]

Well, that was awful. He kept wanting to work on it, but I just got past the point where it would make a difference. Worst part is he didn't know what I wanted to talk to him about. I got home and he was there just watching Breaking Bad, which is a show I convinced him to watch and we just won a contest related to it recently. And he brought me cupcakes. He can be sweet, and he helps me with a lot of things. But he's not affectionate and doesn't seem happy with me. He swears he is happy and does like me, but it doesn't really count if I can't feel it.

 

There were 2 final straws that lead up to this.

 

1. He asked where I kept a pen, and after I answered, he responded with a disdainful groan. Like there's a wrong place to keep a pen! When I called him out, he didn't apologize. He said it was a joke.

 

2. I was on my phone on LS when he got out of the shower. He asked, "Are you on your forum again?" I said yes, and he rolled his eyes and shook his head. When I asked why he had a problem with that, he said it was a joke.

 

Heh. After writing that out, I realized that maybe I just don't get his sense of humor. I'm kidding. I know those weren't really jokes. I suspect he's either so used to treating his mom that way that it's a habit or they're his subtle way of controlling me.

 

Nobody probably read that, but it made me feel better.

[gaius]

I was gonna disagree with everyone and say it would be a very loving thing to wait till after his birthday, but he sounds like a douche who doesn't show you much love so do it whenever you feel like. Just tell him you got a storage unit and drag your stuff out of there beforehand.

[candie13]

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but he is used to having things his way, no comment from you side, so what did you think, he's gonna like your breaking up?

 

I believe it's more that you've fallen out of love with him, than anything. Really, the pen episode and the LS on the phone only show that you're making a mountain out of every little thing.

 

If you're serious about your break up, move out asap and just give him a sense of ending. There's nothing to talk about, so make this very swift. It may seem heartless, but on the long run, you're both gaining.

[The Way I Am]

I was gonna disagree with everyone and say it would be a very loving thing to wait till after his birthday, but he sounds like a douche who doesn't show you much love so do it whenever you feel like. Just tell him you got a storage unit and drag your stuff out of there beforehand.

 

Thanks. Actually, a guy friend has told me the same thing since I said I was going to break up with him. Told me he had some really stupid views on women and relationships, though he may have said those things trying to look tough. He's a little insecure. He's a quiet guy and can be very much a sweetheart. He was brought up with old-school Russian values that he has to contend with. He hates his dad for being an *sshole to his mom, but I think he's actually ending up a lot like him.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but he is used to having things his way, no comment from you side, so what did you think, he's gonna like your breaking up?

 

Huh? That seems out of left field. What makes you think he's had things his way without comment from me? I always called him out on things he said or did that I didn't like. I expected and hoped that me telling him what I liked or didn't like would make a difference in his actions. But it didn't, so I saw no other choice than to end things.

 

He did a lot of stuff that he thought would make me happy. He just didn't listen to the stuff that I tried to tell him actually would make me happy.

 

I believe it's more that you've fallen out of love with him, than anything. Really, the pen episode and the LS on the phone only show that you're making a mountain out of every little thing.

 

Yes, I've fallen out of love with him. I don't think I was making too much of little things as I was noticing that he was. It's not healthy to get irritated at your partner for something as trivial as where they put a pen or because they're doing something perfectly normal on their phone in their own time.

 

If you're serious about your break up, move out asap and just give him a sense of ending. There's nothing to talk about, so make this very swift. It may seem heartless, but on the long run, you're both gaining.

 

I broke up with him before my last post.

 

Sorry I didn't make it clear. I don't live with him. I have a keypad door lock, and he has the combo. He gets off work earlier that I do, so he was waiting for me.

 

He came over to join me walking dogs, which is something I've always wanted him to enjoy doing with me. It makes me feel guilty that he was putting in some effort, and I broke up with him anyway. But it was just too little too late.

 

I was surprised he wasn't mad at all. That was a relief. He's never gotten mad at me, but I've seen him get mad at other people and things that didn't seem worth getting upset over.

[Emilia]

Yes, I've fallen out of love with him. I don't think I was making too much of little things as I was noticing that he was. It's not healthy to get irritated at your partner for something as trivial as where they put a pen or because they're doing something perfectly normal on their phone in their own time.

I think you should be honest with yourself here. It's fine to fall out of love with someone but to think that you can be in an LTR with someone and not have little annoying comments about pens and phones... Hell what are you going to do with the bigger stuff?

[soccerrprp]

The Way I AM,

 

Just out of curiosity, was it the accumulation of a lot small things that led to this? Or what big thing(s) finally broke the camel's back?

 

Sorry for the break-up. Your now ex seems to be passive-aggressive and PA's are bad news.

[crederer]

Well, that was awful. He kept wanting to work on it, but I just got past the point where it would make a difference. Worst part is he didn't know what I wanted to talk to him about. I got home and he was there just watching Breaking Bad, which is a show I convinced him to watch and we just won a contest related to it recently. And he brought me cupcakes. He can be sweet, and he helps me with a lot of things. But he's not affectionate and doesn't seem happy with me. He swears he is happy and does like me, but it doesn't really count if I can't feel it.

 

There were 2 final straws that lead up to this.

 

1. He asked where I kept a pen, and after I answered, he responded with a disdainful groan. Like there's a wrong place to keep a pen! When I called him out, he didn't apologize. He said it was a joke.

 

2. I was on my phone on LS when he got out of the shower. He asked, "Are you on your forum again?" I said yes, and he rolled his eyes and shook his head. When I asked why he had a problem with that, he said it was a joke.

 

Heh. After writing that out, I realized that maybe I just don't get his sense of humor. I'm kidding. I know those weren't really jokes. I suspect he's either so used to treating his mom that way that it's a habit or they're his subtle way of controlling me.

 

Nobody probably read that, but it made me feel better.

 

While that sounds annoying, it certainly does not sound like "final straw" type of behaviour. You just simply sound like you're over it.

[flight E]

Am going to be harsh so brace urself

You are the kind of women that turn decent men into bad people and u wonder where all the good men have gone. While I don't blame you for the way you feel now. I want you to know that love is not a feeling it's a decision. This guy has done totally nothing wrong to you but you want to hurt him and still make him look bad. Do you think when you move to the next guy who am sure you already have lined up. He will always look like superman to you. He won't and you will keep jumping around. The only man that will appeal to you is the one that hurts you so go for what you want but don't try to make a decent person look bad

[flight E]

In addition, sometimes my girl looks like a dork. Something she looks beautiful. Sometimes she seems childish and stupid and sometimes smart. Is part of being human. I don't dump her because of that becos feelings are not static they change. Gosh you should be ashamed of what you are doing breakup with the poor guy. You are actually doing him a favour. He deserves better.

 

I apologize I don't mean to be rude. This is truly what I think about your story

[The Way I Am]

I think you should be honest with yourself here. It's fine to fall out of love with someone but to think that you can be in an LTR with someone and not have little annoying comments about pens and phones... Hell what are you going to do with the bigger stuff?

 

Good lord. It's not like those 2 things are the REASON I broke up with him.

 

The Way I AM,

 

Just out of curiosity, was it the accumulation of a lot small things that led to this? Or what big thing(s) finally broke the camel's back?

 

Sorry for the break-up. Your now ex seems to be passive-aggressive and PA's are bad news.

 

I just didn't feel like he was ever happy with me, and that I was always doing something wrong.

 

He is very passive aggressive.

 

While that sounds annoying, it certainly does not sound like "final straw" type of behaviour. You just simply sound like you're over it.

 

Maybe I used the wrong phrasing. It's not those 2 things themselves so much as what they made me realize. When he had those reactions to those completely normal things that I did, I realized that that's the reaction he has to pretty much everything I do or say. But when they were in response to more significant things, I would let those reactions go and just tuck it away as another thing he doesn't like about me. Everything I did seemed to annoy him.

 

Am going to be harsh so brace urself

You are the kind of women that turn decent men into bad people and u wonder where all the good men have gone. While I don't blame you for the way you feel now. I want you to know that love is not a feeling it's a decision. This guy has done totally nothing wrong to you but you want to hurt him and still make him look bad. Do you think when you move to the next guy who am sure you already have lined up. He will always look like superman to you. He won't and you will keep jumping around. The only man that will appeal to you is the one that hurts you so go for what you want but don't try to make a decent person look bad

 

Thanks for that bit of useless stereotyping based on practically no information.

Edited October 9, 2013 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

He would go to great effort to do things for me that are things he would like, but didn't make the smallest effort to do things I'd like. He said I needed a new computer. I told him I didn't want one. He built one for me anyway, and I was happy to get it, and realized that was his way of expressing how he felt. But I'd have liked just a hug and having him tell me he enjoys being with me better. Even though I told him what I wanted, he couldn't meet me on that.

 

We'd be dating for maybe a year or so and he took me out as a surprise one time to Buffalo Wild Wings for a dinner and a drink. Kind of sweet, right? I'm a vegetarian. I asked him why he took me there, and he said he thought it was my kind of place. I was like, "Have you ever met me?" I don't mind going to a wings place if that's where he wants to go, but the fact that he thought that was a good surprise for a vegetarian was just beyond my understanding.

Edited October 9, 2013 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

I believe in giving people meaningful gifts. I would buy him gifts of things that he liked or had mentioned. Things I knew he wanted but hadn't bought for himself yet. He'd ask how I knew he was going to get them.

 

All the gifts I ever got from him were generic or something that he thought was cool.

 

And it's not about getting things. It's about feeling like I'm special to him and that he knows me and likes me for who I am. Not just because I'm female and I'm there. Most of the nice things he did felt totally impersonal like there was no meaning behind them.

 

He also didn't like my dogs. What I enjoy most is spending time with them and teaching them. When I would give them attention, he used to tell me that I shouldn't get attached to them, because they were going to die soon. I got him to stop saying that, and I hoped he would eventually come around and stop being so cold and critical of them, but he never did. They're actually really well trained and well behaved, but he would get angry when they came near the couch to be petted. He hated the sound of them drinking water, and would tell me it enraged him almost every time they drank. (And by that, I mean, he would tell me that he was enraged at the time they were drinking. To the point as soon as I heard them drinking, I would feel dread that he was going to get mad.) He would take them out and feed them sometimes, which I did appreciate. But I couldn't get past how he would act like they were this irritation that he wanted to go away.

 

When I was breaking up with him, my dog came up and stood next to the couch. She's very sweet, and seems to know when people are sad. My first thought was to tell her to go away so he wouldn't be pissed. But then I realized it's my own damn couch and my own damn dog. She should be able to stand next to the couch while I pet her if it brings me comfort and happiness.

 

Sorry to break that up into so many posts. I wasn't actually going to get into all the little details. It serves no purpose just to badmouth him for the sake of it, but I kept thinking of these things every time I went to do something else. I wanted to get them out.

Edited October 9, 2013 by The Way I Am

[flight E]

You are obviously offended by my post, but I was just being honest. Not intent on hurting your feelings. Anyways as you said, I had limited infor. The more you share, the more I get where you coming from. And the fact that you said he wasn't too moved with your breakup can mean only two things;

 

1 he is experienced in this kind of things

 

2 your gut feelings have been proved correct and you did the right thing breakingup and for valid reasons

[flight E]

Not trying to make you feel better. Just being honest again

[The Way I Am]

You are obviously offended by my post, but I was just being honest. Not intent on hurting your feelings.

 

My feelings weren't personally hurt. I know my strengths and weaknesses, so somebody thinking something about me that's completely off doesn't really bother me.

 

What does offend me is that I see a lot of times where assumptions are made about posters being spoiled or otherwise awful without much info to base that on. They're made to feel bad about things they possibly shouldn't feel bad about. Then when they get upset about unfair criticisms and swing back without knowing how to express themselves that well, people use that as additional ammo to tell them what a horrible person they are. I think making such negative assumptions without much to base it on is harmful to people less confident than myself. I might have even done that myself a few times, and if I did, I was wrong to do it.

 

Anyways as you said, I had limited infor. The more you share, the more I get where you coming from. And the fact that you said he wasn't too moved with your breakup can mean only two things;

 

1 he is experienced in this kind of things

 

2 your gut feelings have been proved correct and you did the right thing breakingup and for valid reasons

 

Thanks for the additional thoughts. I think he is well-intentioned, which is why it was hard to let go, but he just doesn't have enough experience in relationships to really get it.

 

I think all the irritation with me wasn't because he was a bad person, but just a natural expression of him not really appreciating me as a person but wanting to hold onto me out of insecurity and fear of being alone. He wasn't doing it on purpose, but I think the negativity was passive aggressive attempts to get me to change to someone he would like. I've made that mistake before. I think a lot of people have.

[flight E]

U seem to know what you really want and you seem a good person too. Am sure you will find someone who meets your specific criteria. However I believe we just all have our personality types maybe urs didn't just flow with this guy.

[flight E]

And now I truly apologize for my first post because if you were the kind of person I described earlier on, I guess you won't be posting on L'S, u would have just brokenup with him already. The fact that you were posting about it shows that you were concerned about it and seems to my mind that you didn't treat another human beings feelings with levity

[The Way I Am]

However I believe we just all have our personality types maybe urs didn't just flow with this guy.

 

Maybe it really is that simple. Though I have been wondering if there was somewhere I made things start to go wrong. I keep myself from dwelling on it though, because I know you can't change what's past. But I'm trying to look for ways to learn from the experience.

 

Thanks, flight E.

[Criticality]

When I would give them attention, he used to tell me that I shouldn't get attached to them, because they were going to die soon.

 

What...

 

The...

 

Hell...

 

What would he say if you got pregnant? Don't get too attached, it might get cancer or get hit by a car!

 

Seriously? This guy sounds like an *******. Or even worse, like he either doesn't care about your feelings or couldn't be bothered to consider them. Take your pick. Just to put it into perspective: In my college, there was a group of guys who were only into one night stands. They might not care if you have a boyfriend or you're engaged, heck most of them would become masters at the art of disappearing before the girl woke up. They'd never call again. But at least they'd have the basic, human decency of respecting their pets!

Wow...

 

Anyways, that doesn't really matter. He could be the greatest guy ever, if you're not into it, you're not into it. And you want to break up, so how to do it?

 

First of all, when is this birthday? It's a couple of weeks, right? Can you fake it for that long, and wait till after? Then do it. Don't get me wrong, there'll never be a perfect time to do it. And you're not obligated to wait, just like not waiting won't make you an awful person by any means.

 

But it's the decent thing to do. If someone was planning to break up with you, wouldn't you prefer it, if they'd at least try to avoid birthdays, funerals, stressful exams, etc?

 

You know what another decent thing is? Do it in person. Yeah, you can do it over the phone or email, but it isn't likely to make it less dramatic. In fact you can bet he'll be knocking on your door right after that phonecall or email.

 

You obviously know him better, but its my guess that doing it with his family present (In the same house NOT with them in the room) might be the way to go. Especially if he has anger issues and you want avoid a public meltdown.

 

And finally:

Keep it short and sweet. No complicated explanations are necessary. You're just not in love with him anymore etc. "It's not you it's me" is a classic. Cause it works.

Don't lead him on (even if you're just trying to spare his feelings) Don't say anything even remotely close to "Im not saying we'll never be together, but... Don't let him think that you might change your mind or he can do something to get you back.

And obviously DON'T say that you want to stay friends. Guys hate that. Mostly because its like getting second place in a boyfriends mind, but also cause they know you don't really mean it.

 

Oh, and obviously: Come up with an excuse to get your stuff back before the breakup!