Cherrywheat Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 M 26 and F 24. Backstory: We dated almost 4 years ago for not long: we were a good match, but his "one that got away" ex came back when she heard we were dating, so we broke up after he debated on what to do for days. He reached out twice afterwards but I was more or less NC (other than facebook birthdays). I found an awesome guy in college, and my ex's gf dumped him a year later. Since she was gone (it would have been weird before while he was still with the girl who had pushed him to dump me) I reached out to him to reconnect and he seemed really happy about it. We messaged almost every day for about a month, he called to catch up, we tailed off to messaging on fb about once a week for two months. Then he met someone new, and the contact tailed off to almost nothing, but I told him I was really happy for him and meant it. Then, 2 months later, he contacted me out of the blue to tell me he was in my town and he wanted to grab coffee. We had a great time and it seemed like we could really be good friends. Following that meeting, I moved 8 hours away for med school and we started texting about once a month. Occasionally he was uncomfortably flirty. I skirted around his flirting, and I felt really confused about the situation bc I was growing feelings for him and feeling guilty for BOTH of our relationships. One day, against my better judgment I suggested we grab a beer sometime, he said he'd like that...annnd he seemed to distance himself. I don't know if I made him or his gf uncomfortable or something else, but we went from once a month catching up to not talking much at all for 3-4 months. It wasn't entirely unfriendly: I "liked" something on that facebook, he "liked" something on mine, I sent him a message when his pet died and he responded. The change was probably just the natural progression of an "ex" friendship, but I took it personally. I was not doing well around that time either. My mother was diagnosed with alzheimer's, I was struggling in my second semester of medical school, I gained a lot of weight from the stress of exams, bf and I were hitting a rough patch.. I went into a depression and had some scary thoughts. His "rejection" made everything worse. I became a little obsessed with his facebook and relationship and my feelings for him were completely inappropriate. I decided creeping him and his gf on facebook wasn't healthy for anyone and unfriended him without saying anything. It was a little weird since it was only a month since we had talked about his pet, but I needed to do it to gain some distance/perspective. I thought it was right for everyone involved, although I had a really tough time for a while sticking to NC. I started seeing a counselor and worked through my confidence, stress, and emotional issues. It's taken some time, but I'm in a really good place now, my life feels more solid and grounded and less likely to be shaken by ex issues. My bf and I are doing amazing, and we actually got engaged. My ex and his gf got engaged about a month after we did and seem like a cute couple. I imagine at this point we have too much strange history to go back to being friends, but I'd like to at least be on good "we could talk if we wanted to" terms again. I feel weird that I can't say congrats to him about getting engaged or just seeing how he's doing, so I want to re-add him on facebook in the near future...would a year from when I unfriended him be long enough? And should I send a message when I do? I feel like he may believe I removed him out of bitterness/anger and I'd want to set the record straight. tl:dr --- My ex and I were on good terms until the friendship faded and I went through a rough patch. I unfriended him, worked on my life for a while, and now I'm doing much better. When could I re-add him, and what (if anything) should I say?
I-Love-Liberty Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Maybe I'm being insensitive but, I'm not seeing the point. You're both engaged now and are leading completely separate lives. Why feel the need to be friends?
Author Cherrywheat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 You're not being insensitive; it's a reasonable question. I don't really think we can be "keep in touch once a month" friends again. I don't know if he spent much time wondering why I unfriended him, but if he did wonder about it, then it probably destroyed the trust I had built when I was the platonic friend who told him she was happy for him when he met his girlfriend. Probably not appropriate for us to be close friends when we're both engaged anyway. I want to be on "wish happy birthday once a year and congratulations on your wedding" kind of friends on facebook again. If it progressed to being better than that then great, but I'm not expecting it. Although it was right at the time to unfriend him, I value honesty/openness and I always regretted not at least giving him a heads-up as to why I deleted him.
I-Love-Liberty Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Well what I would do is either just re add him and act like it never happened until he says something . Or just leave it alone altogether. From a guys perspective: I've had some facebook re adds and I never questioned them why, I always figured if they wanted to explain it they could. I was just happy they did it at all I guess.
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