Bubblebuble Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We bought a new house and have lived together for just over 6 months. We were dealing with a lot of adjustments-blending families, I'm transitioning into a new career, he's taking night courses, we have 3 kids combined, etc. Busy... We have had our share of ups and downs. He can be very stubborn and sometimes gets in a "mood" where he becomes very irritable and shuts me out and it would make me very uncomfortable. Sometimes the moods lasted days. At one point I was wondering if I made the right decision to move in with him. I talked about selling the house and going our separate ways. He apologized, said he would work on himself and that to him we are forever. That after being divorced for 5 years and dating over that time, he knew I was special and that short of cheating or abuse, we can work through anything and that it's easier to fix what you have than walk away and start over again. That buying our house was a commitment and once we've saved some $ he wants to marry me. He did make noticeable changes and I was happy I gave him another chance and I also agreed with his relationship values. I've been very stressed and irritable going through my job transition. He was very supportive when I would get down and remind me it's short term. But he did say I needed to improve the way I handle stress and not let it get me so down and anxious. At the time I thought I was handling things the best I could. I wasn't seeing my contribution to our problems and was blaming him for being in a "mood". I once again talked about going our separate ways. A few days passed and he said he was done that he can't handle the way I handle stress and this is what I wanted. And he wants to sell the house. At first I thought this was for the best. A month has passed. He's been staying at home only 2 or 3 days a week and lives in the basement. The rest of the time at this parents. After about 2 weeks I realized I was wrong. I don't want to break up with him. I love this man and although he is not perfect, neither am I and I agree with him that I wasn't handling my stress well. I've been working on myself this last month and will continue to. I've found de-stressors that work for me and feel happier in general. He said he didn't want to give me another chance that he didn't believe I could change and wants to sell our house. At first we were arguing alot. I begged him to give me another chance. The more I cried and begged, the more he pushed me away and was angry. I stopped talking to him about reconciling and gave him space. Now when he is home we don't argue anymore. He is coming around where he asks how my day was and talks about his. But he still talks about selling the house (we plan to put it up in 2 weeks). I believe in commitment and I believe in what he had told me when I gave him another chance. I want the same changes he does, not for him but also for me. I don't know what to do at this point. He is very stubborn.... I strongly feel that if we can give our relationship another chance, it will be much stronger. Too many people just walk away rather than fix what they have. In all relationships you have to reach a point of mutual understanding of each other. Unfortunately, as it is right now, I'm too late. Until we actually sell our house, I have hope but I don't know what to do?? I don't want to be too pushy and I don't know what I can do to retrigger the spark! I have gien him space and backed off. Now we are at a point where we talk not argue. Any suggestions to try to make more progress??
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Doesn't this: Now we are at a point where we talk not argue. have to do with this: He's been staying at home only 2 or 3 days a week and lives in the basement. The rest of the time at this parents. Have you discussed or tried counseling? Mr. Lucky
Author Bubblebuble Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Doesn't this: have to do with this: Have you discussed or tried counseling? Mr. Lucky No I don't think the arguing has stopped because he's not around as much. He's here all week every second week when his kids are home. Also during the initial breakup things were heated even if he was just grabbing some things. We just couldn't talk. Now it's calmer. I am considering counselling for myself as I can't make him go. He's so stubborn once he gets an idea in his head whether it's positive or negative he runs with it unless something snaps him out of it.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I believe in commitment and I believe in what he had told me when I gave him another chance. Much of what has been done in your relationship - by both of you - contradicts this statement. Somehow in less that a year, you've met, gotten together, become serious enough to buy a house together, had several cycles of ups and downs, you wanted to break up and sell the house, he promised change and you relented and now he wants to break up and sell the house. Whew !!! That's not commitment. Couples truly committed to each other don't issue life-altering threats and ultimatums. They don't spend days not talking to each other. And they problem solve rather than create drama. Sounds like you moved awfully fast in many ways. And you might have to accept that your relationship is a casualty of that approach... Mr. Lucky 1
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