StayAngry Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 A question for all the OW, after having read a mind-spinning post where the OW said her MM admittedly maintained a good sex-life at home. I have been involved with a MM for 3 years. Am in the midst of ending it and trying to treat my "addiction". MM claims the sex life was always just a means to an end, and they have not had sex for something like 6 months - bet 95% have heard THAT one (she knows about me). My question is this though: I can handle the family life, the kids, all of that ... but its the possibility of the two of them having sex which sends me off the edge of reason right into insane jealousy and anger! How does everyone else handle it? Note to self: Good advice read on LS today was "Stay Angry".
The_Analyzer Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 "the possibility of the two of them having sex which sends me off the edge of reason right into insane jealousy and anger!" Ummm, well they are married. Not only that but hes having his cake and eating it too. He gets it from her and you. Why would you want to play second fiddle? If the thought makes you angry you need to drop him, and move on. Maybe check into some counseling about how to deal with it, and help you heal. ___________________________ "Don't argue with me, you wont win."
brashgal Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I'm not an OW, I'm an ex-wife. Our sex life continued throughout my ex-h's two affairs - 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less - it wasn't measurably different. It actually sometimes was better (I think he learned a couple things from the OWs). Not all affairs are about sex and some men manage to juggle multiple partners easily. It was the emotional connection with the OWs that was most hurtful - discussing his hopes, dreams, fears, plans - especially irked me when he went to them for advice about our children and other matters and held their opinions in higher regard than my opinion.
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I am not the OW, I am the wife and our sex life was not any different through out his affair. Although he lied to her and told her we didn't have sex at all that we were more like room mates. It's funny, now that the affair is out in the open our sex life is most definitely different. Mostly because of me, I have the hardest time being intimate with him knowing he was intimate with someone else.
Joyce Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I am not the OW either but I am the one that had the A. In the beginning of my A I had sex twice with my H. Then after that I stopped having sex my H for over a year. I know it's terrible but I probably could have continued it with my H but the OM asked me not too. I only would have just to get him to leave me alone. It was always an issue.. a year is a long time to fight over it. We stayed in separate rooms which helped. Do you know if he sleeps in the same bed as his wife? I think it just depends on the person and his loyalty to you.
izzybelle Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 i was an OW and i know exactly what you mean. whether my exMM was being truthful or not about his sex life with his W, i'll never know. my relationship ended a few months ago and i'm still going through withdrawl, somedays worse than others. and finally, i feel like some days are actually OK, still not great but definitely an improvement!!! it is a difficult thought to deal with, even though many out there will say that because they are married you knew that going in. my MM said, and i have reason to believe him, that they had not had sex in several years. whether some out there are just going to say that he was feeding me a line, doesn't matter, it's my choice of whether or not to believe him. my relationship with my MM was mostly LDR and it was more of an emotional connection than perhaps physical although that was strong too. one related difficult thing for me to come to terms with was that, since he had been so clear to me that his marriage was over, and again, i do believe he was being honest with me, that when we were "discovered" and he decided to give things one more try, i felt like i was being betrayed. no, i'm not saying that i will ever understand how a betrayed spouse feels, but our emotional connection was so strong and we had talked about our future together, i felt betrayed. i'm sure, especially to the betrayed wives out there, this may not make sense, but it was how i felt and still feel at times. and on top of it, again because of the emotional investment and connection, when i think about dating someone else, I feel like i'm doing something wrong, like i'm being unfaithful. i know those feelings are misplaced and i know over time i will heal and move on with my life. i have no doubt about that. so yes, because of all that, the thought of him having sex with his wife still now makes me feel sick to my stomach. but those feelings are getting less with time. and really aside from either trying to stay angry (which IMO takes way too much energy) it's only time that will allow you to stop thinking about it. the fact that he's with his wife instead of me is no longer on my mind 24/7 but i still think about him, and miss him, a lot.
Moose Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Why do you all think it makes you so mad and jealous thinking about your MM's having sex with their wives? You all wish these things on yourself, then you complain about it. What makes you think that these men would stay faithfull to you when they had no quams with cheating on their wives? What makes you think you are all above anything except a piece of meat when the MM needs some on the side? I don't understand, is it so transparent? Of course the MM are going to have sex with their wives, and you too, what do you think his motivation is anyway?
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 High five Moose!!! It made me laugh when my H's OW told me she beleived him when he told her we didn't have sex.......Silly little girl!
izzybelle Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 i think to try to group all of these men into one category of motivation is a effort in futility. there may be similarities, but there also may be differences. and i knew that there would be responses asking what we thought we were getting ourselves into. but no, i didn't lie awake at night trying to figure out ways to cause myself heartache. i will not argue about whether someone having an affair is right or wrong, because regardless of how anyone feels about those who are the MM or the OW, my feelings are my feelings. and just because something may have been wrong, doesn't make it hurt any less.
The_Analyzer Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I agree with moose. That was the whole point of my reply. StayAngry, you stated how it makes you angry to think of them possibly having sex. They are married, not only that but it makes YOU angry? WTF, how do you think it makes the wife feel if/or when she knows what her spouse is doing with you or someone else? How selfish? The wife is the one that was betrayed first. _____________________________ "Don't argue with me, you want win."
izzybelle Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 soon2be, perhaps there may have been some OWs who were the "silly little girl" to believe lies but I have to wonder who the MMs lie to more, the OW or the W?
EC Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 You know I never understood this either... My mother was dating a MM for a while and I hated every minute of it! And I never understood why she would get upset at the thought of them having sex. Hello they are married?? I still don't understand?
brashgal Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 perhaps there may have been some OWs who were the "silly little girl" to believe lies but I have to wonder who the MMs lie to more, the OW or the W? That's easy - they lie to both of them, however it suits their purpose. With my ex they were usually lies of omission (what we don't know won't hurt us) but they were still lies.
Soon2bsngl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 There is no doubt my husband lied to me during the affair but I feel he lied to me to protect me from finding out about the affair, or maybe to protect himself also, he lied to her about how I was and how our relationship was to gain her pitty so she would continue to see him.
blind_otter Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I never understood this either - I mean, yes you can't group everyone into one group with a sweeping generalization, but... How can you trust someone who so easily lies to their spouse? In my experience, people who lie tend to be dishonest in almost every other area in their life. It's a coping mechanism they learned in childhood, trying to "protect" others with dishonesty - and they usually employ this coping mechanism *whenever* they feel stressed, pressured, or unsure. And of course, when you're carrying on an extramarital affair, there's constant stress and fear of getting caught.
Joyce Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 People who are involved in affairs do not think logically. They live in a fantasy world. Otherwise they would not stay involved. the jealousy will probably never make sense to anyone that has not been involved in an affair because it's not a logic thought. Every person is different but I lied to my husband more than the OM. It's sad but true. It almost seems like people involved in affairs OM/OW MM/MW have low self-esteems and are subconsciously out to hurt themselves.
kim874 Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by Joyce People who are involved in affairs do not think logically. They live in a fantasy world. Good post. I think some of it also has to do with the mistaken belief that the MM/MW is only seeking a sexual outlet--the idea that they either don't have sex with the spouse or don't have good sex. That's not true in every case. The OW/OM believes themselves to be fufulling the other person's needs. They may buy the 'married in name only' or 'married for the kids' sakes' hook, line and sinker. It doesn't make sense if you take a cold hard view of it, but for the person involvved, it is an addiction.
Joyce Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I always thought that the married man having an affair was just out for sex and women that had an affair it was more emotional than sexual. I guess it depends more on the person than the sex of the person. Many reasons/excuses can factor into someone having an affair. I don't know what the OM/OW go through but I do read a lot of posts where I wish they would take a good look at their lives and realize they deserve so much better. Maybe they know that but they can't let go of the addiction.
DoggyDog Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 HEY.....wait a minute now. My MM said the same to me always....NO sex with W and they just lived in the same house going their separate ways....Did I believe it??? Yes and No. When I was with him I pretended that I WAS his only ONE....but when he left (LDR)...to go HOME with HER ... I truly believe he was having SEX with her too.... he said it right up until the breakup last week when we were together....Plus I was the W and my H was having an A...... Did we have sex??? YES we did....looking back now though there was not alot as when I was first married.... Even though he thought I might have believed him.........Never Did..... So when this question is raised.....in heart of hearts...They do have SEX with W. Sorry but its true......Have the Sex, then go into their separate bedrooms... Note also that many men snore (ie my sisters husband) and they sleep separately but they have been married for 28+ years and love and sex are going strong. Don't let the MM bullsh===t you....they are bedding down with the W. Love DD
cheatersrsad Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 StayAngry: You said that you could deal with "the family life and the kids" just not him having sex with his W. WOW...I honestly had to just sit at my computer a few seconds after reading that. I wonder if his kids are sleeping better knowing that the OW can deal with them? That was by far a very selfish and scarry comment. So, my fellow women are now not only cheating but are whining about their self-made situations and now they are giving "passes" to the poor, affected children. Grow up, get your own unattached man (hopefully one with no children).
stormywind Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I didn't sleep with the MM I know but he did talk about his marriage and said that they didn't have sex. I asked him in how long and he said for a year and a half. I can't imagine the "year and a half" line coming out of his mouth without hesitiation if he was making it up. He also said he had to beg her to even get a kiss on the cheeck. From what people are saying here, ALL MM are having sex with the wife. How do we know it's all of them? Why couldn't it be possible that they've drifted apart and no longer have sex? Here's proof: Two different friends of mine who have been married before (not to each other). They've told me that before their marriage ended, they were no longer having sex with their spouses for about a year prior to the divorce. One case it was a male friend telling me this about his marriage and another time it was a female friend telling me this about hers. I've also known other cases. So that's proof that it DOES happen--married people who aren't happy DO stop having sex in many cases. I'm sure lots of MM say they aren't having sex with the wife when they really are, but I don't think that's true in every case.
Debster Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 If your the OW or OM, you're going to believe what you want to believe anyways. But look at the logic - if a MM/MW is having an affair and lack the cahones to get out of their marriage - that would mean that they would want to hide the affair from their husband/wife. The best way to hide it, IMO is to act like everything is normal. If they were boinking beforehand, they are boinking during.
Joyce Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I agree with you Stormy.. not ALL do. I am the married women but I am proof of it. My OM started to become very good friends with my H and I think the reason why was to keep tabs on if I was having sex with my husband. A year is a long time to go without it so my husband complained to everyone. Either way it's a bad situation to be in. Get out of the affair ASAP. All of you deserve better. You will only end up hurt. Affairs never end with a happy. Is there anyone on here that has had a happy ending with their OM/OW?
stormywind Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 It probably would be easier if I DID think he was lying because then I'd know he was a liar and like him less.
Joyce Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Stormywind, Sweetie he is married. Your going to end up hurt even more in the end. Whether you trust him or not. Tell him you will be together after he gets divorced. I know how addicting the rush and how good the feeling can be. It's a bad situation to be in.
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