road Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I think talking about the affair should always be open to discussion. Forever.... Have you read up to post 37 and hold your opinion?
katielee Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Have you read up to post 37 and hold your opinion? yes. And if I trigger 5 years from now my WH will hear about it. We'll work through it together... he should leave if he's not up to this. 4
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I also believe that it is okay to bring up any feelings/triggers that the affair brings up in the future. It is letting the other party know that you are hurt, still feel it, because it is the truth. It gives the WS the opportunity to atone for that hurt. And to let their spouse know that they are there. I see it as a team injury. And you should be able to lean on your teammate. 3
road Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I also believe that it is okay to bring up any feelings/triggers that the affair brings up in the future. It is letting the other party know that you are hurt, still feel it, because it is the truth. It gives the WS the opportunity to atone for that hurt. And to let their spouse know that they are there. I see it as a team injury. And you should be able to lean on your teammate. Also there is a time to take one for the team. So you trigger. Do you want a medal? Now if the WS starts to slip back into old ways and that triggers the BS then the BS needs to step forward and tell the WS and get them back on track. The BS goes out to lunch. It's years past dday. At the table next to them they see a person eat onion rings. The BS triggers because the WS or the AP used to go out for onion rings during the affair. You advocate that the BS dwell about the onion rings and the affair all day till the get home and ruin the WS's day. I say the BS changes their seat so they no longer see the onion rings. And let themselves forget the trigger as fast as they can. After all since dday the WS had given up onion rings because they know that onion rings trigger their BS.
katielee Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Also there is a time to take one for the team. Yeah, I already took two for the team. Not taking any more..... 2
Spark1111 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Also there is a time to take one for the team. So you trigger. Do you want a medal? Now if the WS starts to slip back into old ways and that triggers the BS then the BS needs to step forward and tell the WS and get them back on track. The BS goes out to lunch. It's years past dday. At the table next to them they see a person eat onion rings. The BS triggers because the WS or the AP used to go out for onion rings during the affair. You advocate that the BS dwell about the onion rings and the affair all day till the get home and ruin the WS's day. I say the BS changes their seat so they no longer see the onion rings. And let themselves forget the trigger as fast as they can. After all since dday the WS had given up onion rings because they know that onion rings trigger their BS. BSs do that all the time. Onion rings are the least of our problems. And you keep talking as if every question, timeline has been answered by the WS. Do you know how very rare that is? Someone who avoids conflict, minimizes to avoid consequences, trickle-truths, is probably the MO of the average cheater.... We, as BSs, have to decide how much is too much and how much is not enough. I would venture to guess that most BSs never get the confidence, courage and truth they seek from their fWSs. What a shame. It not only sets the recovery clock back to zero but leaves us wondering if we will ever get the answers we once sought.....if the spouse we love and once again are trusting will EVER have the confidence and fortitude to TRUST US with the truth of the affair. ONLY we can decide if we have gotten enough important, from the heart, info to let it go....... But it never means we do not work daily to handle triggers OR need to have an affair conversation from time to time. I like to think of it as a meant, emotional marital tune-up....and I seek that not only regarding the affair, but any other marital issue as well. I DO NOT stuff them or sit on them....we discuss it as painful or I opportune as it may be. And he does the same....ON evERY topic under the sun EXCEPT for the affair. sorry, I did not ring QTHATQ bell, and he cannot unring it now.....as much as he would like to. IQ would need a lobotomy for that....and have told him so many a time. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Also there is a time to take one for the team. So you trigger. Do you want a medal? Now if the WS starts to slip back into old ways and that triggers the BS then the BS needs to step forward and tell the WS and get them back on track. The BS goes out to lunch. It's years past dday. At the table next to them they see a person eat onion rings. The BS triggers because the WS or the AP used to go out for onion rings during the affair. You advocate that the BS dwell about the onion rings and the affair all day till the get home and ruin the WS's day. I say the BS changes their seat so they no longer see the onion rings. And let themselves forget the trigger as fast as they can. After all since dday the WS had given up onion rings because they know that onion rings trigger their BS. A medal? Really? A medal? How flippant. There are things that happen to us in life, that we carry for years. We carry it because it changed who we are. And if something triggers that pain, it has nothing to do with punishing the WS/abuser at all, its about acknowledging the damage done to us. Advocate feeling my emotions, absolutely I advocate that. I would never advise anyone to stuff their pain, it has a tendency to seep into other areas. I think they call it resentment. And as far as the other flippant comment about ruining the WS day. Again, it has nothing to do with the WS and punishing, it is called sharing. It is about seeking solace for a profound hurt from someone who loves you. Sometimes the WS has to take off the WS hat and wear the spouse hat too you know. Its called being a friend, a shoulder, a soft place to lay your head, a person to help carry the load. Even if it means listening. 1
road Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 BSs do that all the time. Onion rings are the least of our problems. And you keep talking as if every question, timeline has been answered by the WS. Do you know how very rare that is? Someone who avoids conflict, minimizes to avoid consequences, trickle-truths, is probably the MO of the average cheater.... We, as BSs, have to decide how much is too much and how much is not enough. I would venture to guess that most BSs never get the confidence, courage and truth they seek from their fWSs. What a shame. It not only sets the recovery clock back to zero but leaves us wondering if we will ever get the answers we once sought.....if the spouse we love and once again are trusting will EVER have the confidence and fortitude to TRUST US with the truth of the affair. ONLY we can decide if we have gotten enough important, from the heart, info to let it go....... But it never means we do not work daily to handle triggers OR need to have an affair conversation from time to time. I like to think of it as a meant, emotional marital tune-up....and I seek that not only regarding the affair, but any other marital issue as well. I DO NOT stuff them or sit on them....we discuss it as painful or I opportune as it may be. And he does the same....ON evERY topic under the sun EXCEPT for the affair. sorry, I did not ring QTHATQ bell, and he cannot unring it now.....as much as he would like to. IQ would need a lobotomy for that....and have told him so many a time. The BS has to make a stand and fight for the truth or they will be haunted by not knowing everything for the rest of their lives.
road Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 A medal? Really? A medal? How flippant. There are things that happen to us in life, that we carry for years. We carry it because it changed who we are. And if something triggers that pain, it has nothing to do with punishing the WS/abuser at all, its about acknowledging the damage done to us. Advocate feeling my emotions, absolutely I advocate that. I would never advise anyone to stuff their pain, it has a tendency to seep into other areas. I think they call it resentment. And as far as the other flippant comment about ruining the WS day. Again, it has nothing to do with the WS and punishing, it is called sharing. It is about seeking solace for a profound hurt from someone who loves you. Sometimes the WS has to take off the WS hat and wear the spouse hat too you know. Its called being a friend, a shoulder, a soft place to lay your head, a person to help carry the load. Even if it means listening. The way a BS expects the WS to go NC and never even check the AP's FB page to stay updated. The WS expects the BS to not constantly rub the affair in their face. The stating that a BS needs to talk about the affair because their WS was not forth coming with honest answers. Then you are not talking about a couple that has recovered. So either the BS excepts the status quo or draws a line in the sand and makes a stand. Either way the WS gives up the info or the BS leaves. Or they stay in limbo and torture each other and stay married with some moments, good, ok, poor, bad, and indifferent. Though never any great because of the baggage.
Bittersweetie Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 What you advocate is that years later the BS has a trigger at lunch. Holds onto the trigger until the kids go to bed to tell their WS how they are triggering. Nothing was accomplished except the BS held onto a bad trigger for 10 hours instead of letting it pass in 10 seconds. Then the BS goes on for an hour more telling the WS all about the trigger. I am of the belief that every person and couple will find their own path toward reconciliation...some things work, some things don't. Though regarding the above example, as a WS, even if it's 15 years down the line, I would want my BH to tell me if he has a bad trigger. When reconciling our relationship, we created a strong foundation based on communication and the sharing of feelings, both good and bad. I would want him to discuss this with me because then we can tackle it together, as a married couple. 2
dichotomy Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) I think there is nothing wrong with talking about the A. I think some people can even get to a point where it doesn't have the power to hurt anymore (and only a bit when they trigger) so if they come home and tell the fWS, he I saw something that reminded me of the affair and felt the pain again the fWS won't get upset, will be there to talk, and reassure their partner. But, i think it is ever so wrong and unhealthy if years have passed and every single heated arguement ends with the affair being brought up by either the wayward or the betrayed. One of the things I struggle with years later with not fully reconciling, as BH, is the sex thing. My logical side understands that many married couples go through ups and downs and argue about sex not being what it used to – but toss in affair and perhaps as Road mentioned early (that it was great and intense sex) – and you struggle not to throw affair back in WS face when it’s been two months without a BJ (sorry to be crude) or WS says they don’t like doing it anymore. What then is forced on me as BH – is the struggle to separate the two issues – and focus on OUR sex life and not their sex life – but darn it I struggle when we hit these long stretches of subpar sex not to say “you used to love doing XXX for OM/MM but not me your own husband any more” ... in stead of the healthier "hey how can we get our sex life instense again- i am hurting with this dry spell" Of course we can compare with non sexual items – say if a WH took his AP out for nice dinners or always texted her back immediately, or in other ways was more giving/attentive/responsive to AP then spouse. Even if the WS tries for a while to provide “that stuff” to BS – when it goes away or is not given – the WS gets angry again. Edited October 9, 2013 by dichotomy 1
road Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I am of the belief that every person and couple will find their own path toward reconciliation...some things work, some things don't. Though regarding the above example, as a WS, even if it's 15 years down the line, I would want my BH to tell me if he has a bad trigger. When reconciling our relationship, we created a strong foundation based on communication and the sharing of feelings, both good and bad. I would want him to discuss this with me because then we can tackle it together, as a married couple. Telling you he got reminded of your affair 15 years later because he saw onion rings is not going to help him or you.
compulsivedancer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 One of the things I struggle with years later with not fully reconciling, as BH, is the sex thing. My logical side understands that many married couples go through ups and downs and argue about sex not being what it used to – but toss in affair and perhaps as Road mentioned early (that it was great and intense sex) – and you struggle not to throw affair back in WS face when it’s been two months without a BJ (sorry to be crude) or WS says they don’t like doing it anymore. What then is forced on me as BH – is the struggle to separate the two issues – and focus on OUR sex life and not their sex life – but darn it I struggle when we hit these long stretches of subpar sex not to say “you used to love doing XXX for OM/MM but not me your own husband any more” ... in stead of the healthier "hey how can we get our sex life instense again- i am hurting with this dry spell" Of course we can compare with non sexual items – say if a WH took his AP out for nice dinners or always texted her back immediately, or in other ways was more giving/attentive/responsive to AP then spouse. Even if the WS tries for a while to provide “that stuff” to BS – when it goes away or is not given – the WS gets angry again. I started a new thread on this.
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