Dreamcatcher232 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I don't know what to do at this point* THIS IS A REALLY LONG STORY, SORRY: I've known this guy named Devon since 6th grade, but we never got the chance to talk until our Junior year in high school. I'll admit he bullied me a little, and when I tried to ignore him, he persisted and relentlessly tried to get my attention. It triggered past memories of being brutally bullied by my peers in middle school, as well as memories of being physically and mentally abused by my older brother. A girl I was acquainted told me I should tell my school counselor, since I had resorted to getting passes daily out of study hall to avoid him. After a really awkward conversation about him with my guidance counselor, she promised to have a talk with him. The next day I was surprised that he had actually stopped. It was strange... but I found that admirable. No matter who I told, or how the teachers threatened the students, none of my previous bullies stopped and the adults gave up. I'm also not good at voicing my own discomfort, so I came off as joking when I told him to stop or else. Somehow, not having him constantly poke me or put his feet on my desk made me notice him a lot more. Throughout the next couple of months, I realized I liked him. It sounds so stupid, but I did. I ended up confessing, and his smile was really wide and his face had turned red, I froze up and started shaking from how embarrassing it was, being as it was my first time properly confessing to someone. I ended up high tailing it out of there much to his surprise, and asked him the next day what he thought of it. He said "I don't know... I'll think about it." I waited an entire week, and then brought it up again. And he teased me and asked me to ask him properly, and so in front of my peers I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend, to which he said 'sure' with a smile. I found out that he was also abused by his brother, that he was adopted after going through various foster homes, and after opening up to him about my past with near-rape, being molested various times by guys within my age group, and physical/verbal abuse from my brother, he paused for a moment and then suddenly kissed me really deeply. That was what pushed me over the edge and I realized it had to be him. He was the person I was waiting for since I was little. The hundreds of prayers I made to god to send me someone who could save me, had come true. He fit the description of my perfect guy that I had described to my friends in eighth grade perfectly. Sure, he himself wasn't perfect and it seemed like too much of a coincidence, but I guess life is full of surprises. Above all of that, he was the first to react in a way that actually made me snap out of my depressive state when recalling my past, instead of being sympathetic and patting me on the back telling me I was strong. Summer came, and we couldn't keep in contact. I invited him through a friend to go to picnic organized by a club I attended, and he agreed seeing as I invited his best friend as well. Long story short, I lugged 16 pounds of ribs in my backpack, walking with a broken bike 9 miles to a mutual friends house. Only to have that friend ruin it by telling his parents not to pick us up until half an hour after the time we agreed to meet Devon and his friend. We got there an hour late. And he was gone. My friendship with that guy fell apart again, since he was the only friend I had in middle school and never helped me stand up to my bullies, only telling me to understand them and sympathize with them and be the bigger person. He was already on thin ice, and that was the final straw. Even as I sat at a picnic table trying not to cry from realizing what I had just done, he persistently asked me to go with him on a trail or to go canoeing or play a game... I snapped at him since he knew just how much seeing Devon meant to me -- It was all I could talk about for the entire week prior to the picnic -- and he was treating it as if it was nothing, and not to blame him. I explained to his best friend what happened since I had no way of contacting Devon, and was feeling too guilty to realize I should have just told Devon myself when I got the chance, since I didn't want to send him a looong Xbox message about it. It didn't seem right. I just stupidly thought that he would pass on the message. His best friend had already shown interest in me -- still does-- and tried to get me to break up with Devon from the start. He called me an unsuitable partner for Devon and called me tuber ware. Someone who is fine when it's cool, but melts under pressure. My depression got triggered and I just took all of his insults. A couple of days passed and I xbox messaged Devon to meet me at that same park, without explaining why I seemingly stood him up, and waited 6 hours for him to show up. He never did. Our mutual friend was furious, and called him asking if he had anything planned. He said no, he didn't have anything going on that day. When he found out how I had waited so long for him, he was surprised. But he never once messaged me back or apologized... After being pressured and criticized by my friends, I agreed that they were right and a break up was the best for us. That same mutual friend called him and broke it off for me since Devon wouldn't meet me or answer my calls. The break up hurt me so badly I cried for what felt like an hour. That night, I wrote him a really long message on Facebook, he never uses it and it hadn't been used for nine months, but I felt like I had to say it all right then or else I'd be dishonest if I ever got the chance in the future. It was about my feelings and how I thought it was what he wanted since he stood me up and refused to speak to me when I tried calling. I poured my feelings out to him. It's been 3 months since then. Our senior year began, and coincidentally we ended up in the same study hall again. I gathered all of my courage and walked up to him, giving him a slip of paper he gave me last year that was a gag joke between our group of friends. He looked extremely surprised, but really relieved and happy. We joked a little, and I finally felt at ease talking to him. Suddenly, even though the mood was really light, this happens: Devon: I don't have any emotional connections with anyone.. Me:.. what... *Bell rings and we separate, couple hours later* Me: Devon! You're an *******! Devon: What? How? Me: You can't just say something like that, and then expect me to be quiet about it! There's no way.. that living like that is the right way to live. It's too... lonely. And painful. Devon: It's how I've lived up until now. I just wanted to live from the start. Me: I lived like that before, and I wasn't happy. You can't do this to yourself anymore. I care about you too much to watch you do that.. it's too painful... I just.. really care about you. Devon:... I know.... And then we just stared at each other for a bit, and I said see ya and we both turned away from each other. We stay after school for the same club on Tuesdays, and I decided that it would be best to talk. Talk about everything. Like I should have done to start with. I asked to talk to him and he said we could when the club ended. I nearly choked up when his best friend showed up and I asked to be alone with Devon. His best friend nodded in approval and said alright. Devon and I talked, and I only remember bits and pieces: Devon: I told you from the start it wasn't going to work out. Me: No you didn't... You just said sure. Devon:.. really? I thought I did... Me:No, you really didn't. And.. And if you didn't like me, then why did you kiss me that day? Devon: I don't know... I just did. I don't understand it myself. Me:... So.. it was just on impulse? Devon:I guess... Me:... Then why did you kiss me more than once? Devon:... Oh ****, I didn't think you'd remember that... And we laughed nervously, and joked in between the serious conversations. I told him I didn't understand why I was in love with an idiot like him. A jerk who ignored me and who wasn't up front with me. Me: I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you just shut yourself down because you're afraid of getting hurt. Devon remained silent. Me: And besides.. what's up with what you said before school ended, "I'm only dating you to see how it ends"? What the **** is that... That's... cruel. I stared straight ahead, and the height difference made me focused on his hands that nervously fiddled together. And my body moved on it's own and I hugged him tightly. Due to my past with guys, I'm always afraid of being touched. Of being so close to them. Of being hurt and used and left with more scars than before. But, I didn't feel any of that fear. Our chests were against one anothers, and I felt his arms slowly wrap around me and even though my head was on his shoulder, I could hear his heart pounding so fast and hard it was as if it was out of his chest: Me:Your hearts beating REALLY hard ya know. Devon: Shut up... I've never hugged a girl this long, that's why. Me: Sure. That's why it's beating so fast. Devon: Well, I can't feel your heart because your boobs in the way. Me: Ha! You should consider yourself lucky. But his heart beat never slowed. And I felt his arms slowly let go, and I stepped back and my eyes made contact with his lips. And I slowly leaned in, and he leaned in the rest of the way and we sort of kissed. But, we're clumsy and inexperienced so it failed pretty badly. None of that 'it was the perfect kiss' stuff. We just laughed about it and kissed again, and after 10 seconds I pulled away since I couldn't breathe. Me: I couldn't breathe. Bleh. Devon: You have a nose ya know... I asked if that meant we were going out again, and he said maybe. But, this past week.. things changed. And I'm not sure why. We laughed a lot and it got to the point where he would even say hi to me in the hallways and tease me when he never did before. I could even pinch his cheeks and he would poke me, albeit so hard that I got bruises. But it was all for fun. I asked if I could kiss him, since he's so tall that I can't do it on my own. I'm only up to his shoulder at the most. Me: Can I kiss you? Devon: Why?... Me: Why?... Well, cause I like you? Devon: That's not a good enough reason. Me:.. Huh? What do you mean? I want to be with you. I don't understand... Devon: We broke up. I could feel the sting in his words and got on my bus, as the buses had just arrived. I looked back, which broke my rule of never looking back since it just leads to more pain, and he was staring at me. I cried on the bus ride quietly. And in study hall I explained to him how my relationships with our group were screwed. 4/6 people in the group now despised me, two due to the fact they've been dating for 6 years and I caught the boy lying to her and ditching her to go smoke pot with some girls who were well known for being boyfriend stealers and sluts, and he just laughed in my face and said I could tell her, she wouldn't care. So I did. And my friend cried and now they're both ignoring me. Also, Devon's best friend hates me now too since he says I'm 'phony' for not being able to tell him why I like Devon. Basically asking why I picked Devon over him. And I was so hurt over losing my friends, that I said: I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you, I just feel better with you so... bleh. Devon: ... It's not that I don't care about you.. it's just that ----- I'm not sure if I didn't hear the last half, because my brain rejected it, or because the orchestra playing in the background was much too loud. Me: Haha, I only heard the first half... Devon: *looks me in the eyes* ... We broke up. *slowly turns away* It's not that I don't care about you, it's just that... yeah... My eyes filled with tears and I just sat back in my seat in disbelief (He sits in front of me in first hour...) and I just doodled with a shaking hand trying not to let the tears overflow. The bell rang and I gathered my stuff and left. I felt like puking. I was lightheaded, I had never felt that sick over words before. Suddenly I heard Devons voice over my shoulder Devon: Hey.. I don't think you should hang around the USSAB today. Since you're having such a rough time with everyone. (USSAB is the name of our group of close friends.) I felt my heart squeeze and the tears bubbling up again. I just walked faster... But he caught up to me again, and repeated the same line while placing his hand on my shoulder. As if I hadn't heard him the first time. It hurt so badly.... I was practically running as he kept placing his hand on my shoulder and I kept shrugging it off. Devon: Hey.. Hey!.. Hey!! With a voice much smaller than usual, and a much higher pitch due to my emotional state, I said "Just leave me alone!" And then I ran across the hallway and didn't look back. It was too painful to look back. I made eye contact with the nurse and lied and said my stomach hurt. I hid in the nurses office, laying in the bed crying and thinking about what I had just done, for an hour. I've never had to do that before despite all of my past experiences. To resort to such a thing... It's scary how he could make me hurt so much when I've experienced pain so many times before. Not even my therapist could help me, I thought I would never be able to feel pain again from how numb my emotions and heart had become due to my past. I realized how much courage it had taken for him to try and stop me...That was on Thursday, and on Friday I tried to suppress my fear and held my hand to stop it from shaking as I caught up to him before lunch and poked his sides and said hi. And he looked over and said hello. But our friend Nick came up and they started to talk, and walked away from me. I began to yell after him but my voice cut off as my eyes filled with tears again at seeing him walk away. I realized I hurt him badly by running away from him on Thursday when he desperately tried to stop me. On my way to my bus after school ended, he walked in front of me purposely after weaving through people and called me a nerd. I impulsively yelled back that I wasn't a nerd and poked him, but his face was set as stone. And it scared me a little. "I'm sorry for running away from you..." Devon: So?... I lost my voice and all of my resolve. And he noticed. I looked down at the floor and he looked over at me and said You're so short. Me: Yeah... Devon:You're so short. If you were any shorter you would fall through the floor. Me:.. Uhuh... And he ran up the stairwell. I went up the next stairwell to avoid him, and I'm so unlucky that as soon as I got to the top to go to my bus, I happen to run into him and his friend walking out. He looked right at me. But I was too broken to look at him. And just stared at the floor and walked to my bus. So, now that you know most of the story, I'm hoping you can help me answer this question that I've been struggling so hard to answer: Should I just kill these feelings and be his friend, no matter how painful it is? Or is he just too hurt by how I broke up with him and there's still a chance he has feelings for me? It just seems weird that he can only say 'We broke up' as his reasoning for not trying again. Many people break up and get back together.. and I've changed since then, I won't let other people tell me what to do with my relationship anymore. I've asked my friends but they have all told me I could find someone better. That he isn't worth it and he just wants to make sure I don't hate him so he doesn't come off as a jackass and that he doesn't really care about me. But I know better and if he didn't care he wouldn't have gone out of his way to include me in the group when I looked lonely. I'm a crybaby who gives up easily and is terrified of getting hurt. But I feel like it has to be him. I've had boyfriends before, and I've never felt this way. I've always given up when it came down to it but even if I resolve to give up on him I find myself talking to him as if it was the most natural thing in the world and it's usually him who starts the conversations... But if it's really over and there's no way I have a chance with him again, then I want to do what makes him happy. Even if that means just being his friend or even leaving him alone. I just have no idea how to do that... I'm at a loss at what to do. These feelings are too new for me, and honestly I'm scared of them. I need advice...
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