LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Greetings Love Shack, Long time lurking and now have a reason to post. Husband and I separated 1 month ago, we have no children and would have been celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. We have been together for 10 years. Since he left the marital home, H has come back several times. During his visits we will often share meals together and go over bills. H still does his laundry here at the home and mows the lawn and services all the vehicles. To top it all off, I have been recently furloughed and my finances are unknown for a few weeks. I don't even know if and when I will get another paycheck from Uncle Sam. My question is how can I move forward and heal if I still see him regularly? He is aware how hard it is on me. Do I just suck it up? I know in time he will visit less and less.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Do you own the house together? Filed for divorce? He may well legally have just as much right to access as you. Part of this seems to be under your control. There's no need to break bread with him unless it's something you want to do. You don't give much insight into the split but sometimes you have to pull back to protect yourself. I'd let him know were that the case... Mr. Lucky
Author LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Thanks for the post Mr. Lucky, Yes, I have told him that it is very hard for me to keep seeing him and that I need the time and space to heal. He said he understood. I realize our situation is very unique. We made a mutual decision back in July to separate. We thought we could live together until each of us was more comfortable financially. This became way to hard for me to see him every day and we agreed that since he had somewhere to go, his Dad's, he should go. We own the house together and he has agreed to sign everything over to me. He wants to be friends and I told him that I can't be friends with someone that has torn my heart out and stomped all over it, maybe I can sometime in the future, but not now. He told me yesterday that he made a commitment to keep me in the house and he is going to do whatever it takes to keep me in it. I just wish he felt that way about our marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I just wish he felt that way about our marriage. Except he doesn't . You said you've been lurking here, have you read about the 180? It basically involves giving your spouse what they say they want by moving on with your life. In your case, I'd absolutely minimize the interactions with him (no meals together, car services, etc.) and maximize activities with other people. If he comes over to mow the lawn, take off and do something you enjoy. Let him see you're going forward with or without him. You may be surprised at the effect of his different perception of you... Mr. Lucky
Author LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Mr. Lucky, Yes, I am aware of the 180 and so desperately want to initiate it, however, the problem has been the government shutdown, right now, I have no idea if and when I will get a paycheck, I am in limbo. I have been keeping myself busy and am trying to establish new routines. He is aware that I have been busy and acts like he's happy that I am going out and doing things. He has always maintained the vehicles since he is a mechanic by trade, I have never taken advantage of his skills or have taken them for granted, so I guess I need to start paying someone to do them. I have always been a very independent woman, he knew I didn't need a man in my life, I wanted him in my life. If instituting the 180's, can I still let him come to the house if I'm not home?
shattered Inside Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hi, Although i could hardly find any reasons for the separation in your post but as i am also going through almost the same stage so i have few suggestions to make.. In 2008 i got separated as it was desired my wife because she wanted to move with another man leaving a son with me but than being a emotional fool did exactly opposite of 180 and always kept opened a door to her and finally after 6 months when she decided to come back (not because of state or kid) but as that man did the same which he did to me. but than for me it was not relevant and i accepted her back gracefully and thought life will be different but see down the line 5 years we are still standing at the same place where we were .. wasted PRECIOUS years of life 1.Separation means getting separated mentally physically and spiritually until and unless all these three criterion met you are bound to go through more sufferings and as in your case it seems that you are the weaker leg(emotionally)..so i would suggest that try to avoid meeting him ..Yes if you think that you can be selfish and wise enough to use him in your hard times in a smarter way than i don't think there is anything wrong ...take all the help you require and do exactly the same as he did ..I think Just by helping you out in things he might want to be guilty free Take charge of your life friend and find a way to attain internal happiness ..Not worth sitting back in self pity at all....difficult but possible Good Luck:)
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 If instituting the 180's, can I still let him come to the house if I'm not home? You can do what is right and comfortable for you . The idea is to show the world - him included - that you have worth and value. And you have the self-belief that you're a good person who brings much to any relationship you choose, your marriage included. It takes the burden from you - "he left me and therefore I'm no good" - and places it on him - "I'm moving ahead in a positive direction, up to you if you want to join me". Look at it in this light - you win wither way ... Mr. Lucky 1
Author LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 shattered Inside and Mr. Lucky, I agree that he wants to do these things and continue to take care of me out of guilt. I have a great sense of pride and he even said that I have to swallow my pride on some of these issues. It is very hard for me to let people do things for me. My pride is all I have left so I need to carry on independently. We have not yet filed for a legal separation and I'm afraid that this limbo situation will carry on longer than I want.
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