SarahJames Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I've been seeing my MM for about a year. We started off as friends with benefits, and of course it wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. Recently, I moved for work, and broke things off with him. We decided we'd still keep in touch and be JUST friends. The thing is, I didn't realize how much feelings had gotten involved until my departure. The last time we saw each other, he cried, and I never expected that from him. It's so crazy...but I felt what he felt. We talk everyday via text, and most of our conversations have consisted of reminiscing about the way things were. Recently, during a conversation, he said "that may be why I love you". It really took me by surprise and left my head spinning: #1: Does he love me as just a friend? Is he IN love with me? #2: does he really mean it, or is he all confused and really just feeling sex deprived? #3: Is he just saying that now because he's feeling insecure about me potentially meeting someone else? Is this is way of keeping me "his"? Any insight would be appreciated...
Author SarahJames Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I was involved in an affair with a MM. It's an emotional roller-coasted to say the least, but there was always something that bothered me WAY more than it should have; I was always super offended when my MM would take phone-calls from his wife in the bathroom/other room. It only happened about 3 times in the span of a year, but I couldn't help but feel very upset when it did occur. Why do they feel the need to go to a different room? Are they scared we will start talking and the wife will hear our voice? Do they just want the privacy and whatever they say to remain between them and their wife? Do they feel bad for us, and want to avoid the awkward situation? To be honest, I felt offended that he didn't trust me enough or feel comfortable enough to call her in front of me. Pretty twisted, right?
bentleychic Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I think it's likely that they do it to make you feel better so you don't have to hear the convos. With that said, mine has never left the room or stepped away from me for any convos to anyone, work or personal (including W). I'm not sure why. 1
bentleychic Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Have you asked HIM those questions OP? Many here will say that he doesn't actually mean it. Only he can answer that and that answer will be in ACTIONS, not in words. 1
Author SarahJames Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I think it's likely that they do it to make you feel better so you don't have to hear the convos. With that said, mine has never left the room or stepped away from me for any convos to anyone, work or personal (including W). I'm not sure why. You just reminded me - that's another thing, he would talk calls from work and such in front of me. But he'd take calls from her in private. I just wonder what goes through their heads, you know?
bentleychic Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I really don't know. Like I said, mine doesn't. He doesn't answer the phone much when he's with me, anyway, but the times that he has, he's definitely not hidden anything. 1
solostand Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Mine takes calls from his wife in front of me. He even talks to her on bluetooth in his vehicle so I can hear her side of the conversation. The conversations are pretty mundane. Once she called to say they had ants and pick up ant killer. 1
Daisy2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Guilt, perhaps? It brought him face to face with what he was doing having you there while he talked to his wife. My MM never took me out of his truck for our 2 years. So, I was there if he talked to her, which was only about 2x. He didn't seem to care. But he did remove his wedding ring when he was with me. Same thing, I suppose...guilt.
solostand Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I don't know. A full year and this is the first ILY? It kind of sounds like what I'd say to a friend who said something funny: "thats why I love you!" If you love him, you could tell him so and see what his reaction is. My AP have been involved for a year and have been saying I Love You since about three months in. Now we tell each other every day.
HopingAgain Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Maybe they are afraid to get caught. That's how our Dday happened. WH accidentally didn't hang up the phone and I heard OW talking to him. Never underestimate MM's desire to cover their butts from being discovered by their wives.
Archanaart Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 He has his reasons. But you and your MM have a separate relationship from his relationship with his wife. If he wants to keep it private then he is allowed to. Keep in mind you're seeing a man that's already in a relationship. I think OW's should stick to their own end of the relationship and not get involved in their MM's marriage.
Daisy2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Beats me. My exAP are now just friends and he tells me he loves me and always will. When I tell him to stop the BS, he gets offended and raises his voice, saying " I do love you and am miserable." I suppose they love us as they can, but it doesn't really matter because they didn't want to be with us for real.
Author SarahJames Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 We sit here, on our computers, on this site, and we write our stories and feelings about these men who are out there living their life. Instead of living our lives, we just hang on to this false hope that someday we will be more than just a fantasy or illusion in their lives. That's all we are - we are fantasies. We don't really exist to them. We don't sleep next to them. We don't get to meet their friends. We don't get to do all the things their wives do. We are entertainment. We make them feel good about themselves. We stroke their egos. We make them feel wanted. We let them have us AND their wives. And for what? He's not the one crying when he leaves. He's not crying, because he gets to go home to her. He doesn't sleep alone at night. He's not wondering when the next time he hears from you will be. He doesn't go on vacations with you. He won't "be there" for you when something happens. He has already created a life for himself. A wife, a house, kids, a dog, a career. You don't fit, don't you see? There is no room for you. 3
bentleychic Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Alrighty. So if you truly feel like that, why are YOU still there? How's that working for you? It sounds like you're in a very negative thinking part of the A (which DOES happen for some people and that may make it easier to get out. I don't know). We can only speak of our individual situations. We cannot begin to assume that all situations or relationships are the same. Generalizing all relationships as you have above is not altogether accurate. (Though I know some do, especially exOW/OM and it may make them feel better to assume all are bad/feel the same?) Aside from that, I have to say that I have a very, very active life apart from my MM and honestly, even if we were together and he wasn't a MM, I still would. My job and family requires it. I don't expect a man, single or married, to be my only and everything and I hope he doesn't expect that of me, either. How draining! 1
bentleychic Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Did they merge 3 of your threads? How confusing!
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I was involved in an affair with a MM. It's an emotional roller-coasted to say the least, but there was always something that bothered me WAY more than it should have; I was always super offended when my MM would take phone-calls from his wife in the bathroom/other room. It only happened about 3 times in the span of a year, but I couldn't help but feel very upset when it did occur. Why do they feel the need to go to a different room? Are they scared we will start talking and the wife will hear our voice? Do they just want the privacy and whatever they say to remain between them and their wife? Do they feel bad for us, and want to avoid the awkward situation? To be honest, I felt offended that he didn't trust me enough or feel comfortable enough to call her in front of me. Pretty twisted, right? You are sharing him with his wife, so out of courtesy for you possibly he took the phone in the other room so he could 1)have a private conversation with his wife and not worry about your feelings or if they were making plans, saying I love you, he wouldn't have to face you afterwards and deal with your reaction. It is twisted but understandable because you love him and probably hate sharing him with his wife, knowing they do family outings, sleep in the same bed, live life together. IF you plan on staying the OW, accept things as they are, otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy over the little things. Keep it simple and enjoy the time you spend with him. Respect his privacy and don't make it about you , because it isn't about you at all. He also could be protecting his wife as well.
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