normal person Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Depending on the website, you can make someone a Favorite or wink or indicate in some way that you find them attractive without contacting them. If they like what they see, they will contact because you will have shown that you are receptive to their advances. It's a modern day version of the 19th Century lady dropping her hankie in front of an attractive man. I am assuming you have clear, current photos of your face and body. Key! I was going to post something similar to this. As a guy who does OLD a fair amount, I find no shame in a girl winking/poking or whatever -- in fact, I don't message anyone myself, I only go out with girls who show some interest like this off the bat. Winking is the technological equivalent of looking at a guy from across the bar and smiling. I actually find it pretty helpful, and there's typically no desperation implied. I really don't even sense desperation from a short (1-2 sentence), innocent message. It doesn't translate to "she's desperate," more so "she just wants to be noticed (as girls typically do)" or "she likes what she sees." Which is fine. The longer messages tend to come on a little strong though.
mishy Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My experiences with approaching first on OLD have been - Guy is flattered and bewildered, because as a man he never gets messages, and then it goes one of two ways..... He looks at your profile and thinks you're hot, you all live happily ever after. Or He looks at your profile, he's not attracted to you. But - he never gets messages! What should he do? Well, he's spent so long complaining about women who ignore messages, he'd better write back. Except he doesn't say "no thanks", because he's never been in this situation before. Maybe he should just be lukewarm in case he doesn't get any other offers. You get the reply, and write back. At this point, he'll probably carry on a half-hearted conversation, but he's hard work. Then he'll either slowly fade away (because men like this hate tying up their own loose ends, or as they call it "dealing with drama queens"), or you'll get impatient and suggest a meet. He agrees, still not feeling it. But he'll meet you, and depending on how many other irons he has in the fire, he'll continue to half heartedly date you, until you're in some kind of pseudo relationship, where you're wondering why he doesn't initiate any contact, he doesn't seem that into it and he's still logging onto the dating site 14 hours a day. You'll second guess everything he says, and probably post on here asking if he's into you, or is he just afraid of being hurt, or any other excuse for why he's such hard work. Eventually, he'll decide he can't continue and either do the fade (see above), or break up with you. All of which could have been avoided if he'd just said "no thanks" to your first message. Have fun! this is the best thing i have ever read on Loveshack
Tres Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Why? What happened? From what I know, the rejection rate is 100% even you are a pretty woman.
Sunfire73 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I do have success making the first move, but it's subtle. I favorited my now bf in Match. He viewed my profile, sent me a message. Turns out that he was flattered, because he doesn't get any messages, nor any replies from messages he sent. There were times when he could lose interest because after our first email to each other, we were both busy ( I had to go for a 1 week vacation, and him too the next week). But he followed up when he came back, I didn't expect it. I also was on the fence when we first talked on the phone, and when we first met. But he pursued me really well, so I went out with him on a second date. Gave him another chance and liked him from then. He's the sweetest and now my bf (for 2 months now), I wouldn't knew, unless I went out with him on the second date. 1
mishy Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My opinion is that although women's views of whatis appropriate has changed in the last 40 years due to the feminist movement, men's views of dating have not budged from the 1950s In other words they still expect to do all the work, if you chase them you haven't chance 1
dontgo Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Please this thread is sooo humorous. Ask guys what their success is of initial pursuing women and there would be a lot worst stories. Who cares who does the pursuing, if you like it why risk missing out. Whatever women just don't complain when Mr. Right doesn't chase after you.
RedRobin Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My opinion is that although women's views of whatis appropriate has changed in the last 40 years due to the feminist movement, men's views of dating have not budged from the 1950s That's fine. I don't want those men. They often have alot of other antiquated ideas about dating/relationships that are best left in the 1950's. Besides, who has to 'chase' anyone? Why can't two people just express an interest or even mild curiosity to get to know someone? Who cares who goes first? 2
phineas Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 yeah, I'm attractive enough (athletic, thin, petite, etc) though older (late 40's) so that probably diminishes my attractability a bit which I'm guessing is why I don't get more attention (other than from very young guys looking for a hookup or from guys like in 3 states away!) and yes, I can hold a conversation, though its frustrating when the guy wants to jump right to getting my phone number or meeting up within one email! One e-mail? C'mon. It's OLD. You get that number ASAP & arrange a meet ASAP. I can honestly say every woman i've talked to on OLD flaked on me & I never heard from them again if I set a meet time more than 3 days out. I've had more luck meeting them the night I got the number or the next day.
Mascara Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 One e-mail? C'mon. It's OLD. You get that number ASAP & arrange a meet ASAP. I can honestly say every woman i've talked to on OLD flaked on me & I never heard from them again if I set a meet time more than 3 days out. I've had more luck meeting them the night I got the number or the next day. I agree with this. Don't treat OLD like it's a virtual dating arena, where you talk, chat, get to know someone, develop a connection... all those things should come afterwards. Because 9 times out of 10 you'll do all that, then meet and no longer want anything to do with him. It just won't be there. OLD should be for introductions only - hello, you look nice.... so do you, shall we meet.... great, see you then. Anything else drives me crazy. I'm not your email girlfriend
DemetersHarvest Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I haven't read all the responses, but wanted to add my $ 0.02 anyway. As a woman, I can honestly say that I don't think twice about contacting a guy whose profile I find interesting. I just do it! I don't get the angst and hesitation of my fellow sisters. Perhaps I have not analyzed the issue in enough depth. He will either respond, or he won't. If he will, it shows me that he is at the very least man enough to handle a confident woman. If his approach back to me is half-assed, I'll decide whether I'd like to continue with him. Bad outcomes can happen regardless of who makes first contact. You're both virtual strangers to each other, and the potential for failure exists at that point.
DemetersHarvest Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 He looks at your profile, he's not attracted to you. But - he never gets messages! What should he do? Well, he's spent so long complaining about women who ignore messages, he'd better write back. Except he doesn't say "no thanks", because he's never been in this situation before. Maybe he should just be lukewarm in case he doesn't get any other offers. You get the reply, and write back. At this point, he'll probably carry on a half-hearted conversation, but he's hard work. Then he'll either slowly fade away (because men like this hate tying up their own loose ends, or as they call it "dealing with drama queens"), or you'll get impatient and suggest a meet. He agrees, still not feeling it. But he'll meet you, and depending on how many other irons he has in the fire, he'll continue to half heartedly date you, until you're in some kind of pseudo relationship, where you're wondering why he doesn't initiate any contact, he doesn't seem that into it and he's still logging onto the dating site 14 hours a day. You'll second guess everything he says, and probably post on here asking if he's into you, or is he just afraid of being hurt, or any other excuse for why he's such hard work. Eventually, he'll decide he can't continue and either do the fade (see above), or break up with you. All of which could have been avoided if he'd just said "no thanks" to your first message. Have fun! LOL! Very astute! I'm just going through one of those. It sucks, but lesson learned. Still won't stop me from contacting them first, if one catches my eye.
Brown-Eyez Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 One e-mail? C'mon. It's OLD. You get that number ASAP & arrange a meet ASAP. I can honestly say every woman i've talked to on OLD flaked on me & I never heard from them again if I set a meet time more than 3 days out. I've had more luck meeting them the night I got the number or the next day. I think this ^ strategy leads to all the confusion & bitterness I read on here from others 'weird OLD' experiences.. I learn tons of info (how respectful & considerate he is and often even his intent!) from guys if we just correspond a couple times back & forth via email--not like weeks & weeks of emailing but just enough that I learn how he presents himself, etc. i've learned also who the time wasters are and just want an email pal (these are the ones that just want to go on chatting forever, and never suggest meeting up) then I talk to him on the phone for about 30 min, if he spends most of the time talking about himself, shows a lack of interest in most of what I have to say, or is complaining about his other OLD dates then I have thankfully not wasted my time any further this strategy has helped me ALOT and even if a guy fades during this screening or getting to know you process i figured i probably dodged a bullet anyway usually by the second sometimes 3rd email they are often asking how "sensual" I am or how they want to kiss me when we meet.. so far I have met 2 really good guys even if they didn't work out for the LT
Col1 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) As a guy, I get messages from women who initiate, but the messages/profiles are mostly duds: -Short messages; -text-speak ("how r u?"); -no question for me to follow-up; -comments about my looks (stalkerish!); -very shallow substance to the message (comment about weather; no effort to look for our commonalities); -generic (like they could be mass e-mails to everyone); -shows she hasn't read my profile (obvious mismatches in wanting kids or not wanting kids); -grainy pic, shot from far away, one scanned pic from 15 years ago, or no pic; -very rarely include a full head-to-shoes photo (I have a couple posted... which is one of the reasons she initiated); -many details missing from profile details (body type, alcohol frequency, smoking, drug use, general job field); -very short profile essay with low effort: "I am living my life to the fullest." I reply with "Thanks for writing, but we are a mismatch (with very brief reason). All the best in your search." Edited October 9, 2013 by Col1 1
Brown-Eyez Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 As a guy, I get messages from women who initiate, but the messages/profiles are mostly duds: -Short messages; -text-speak ("how r u?"); -no question for me to follow-up; -comments about my looks (stalkerish!); -very shallow substance to the message (comment about weather; no effort to look for our commonalities); -generic (like they could be mass e-mails to everyone); -shows she hasn't read my profile (obvious mismatches in wanting kids or not wanting kids); -grainy pic, shot from far away, one scanned pic from 15 years ago, or no pic; -very rarely include a full head-to-shoes photo (I have a couple posted... which is one of the reasons she initiated); -many details missing from profile details (body type, alcohol frequency, smoking, drug use, general job field); -very short profile essay with low effort: "I am living my life to the fullest." I reply with "Thanks for writing, but we are a mismatch (with very brief reason). All the best in your search." I get messages like that too (from guys) and respond back to them in almost the same way! thanks for posting this cuz it shows me that idiots or time-wasters come in both genders! 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 When I joined up with Plenty of Fish this Summer it was just to meet new people, perhaps open doors to dates, etc. I wasn't really interested in anything serious and said so on my profile. The day I joined I sent messages to about four or five different guys in my area who had similar interests and who I liked the look of, just saying hey and initiating conversation. Most of them wrote back, and one of them I ended up chatting on and off with for a week or so, a message or two a day. A week later we swapped numbers, and a week or two after that we went on our first date. A week or two later we got together I initiated contact but wasn't exactly chasing him, after the initial contact I was chilled out and he took the lead the most of the time. To be honest though it was pretty equal, there weren't really any games, it just flowed right. He was a lot more open about his feelings than me at first and dropped the L bomb first and I was pretty guarded for a little while longer. I'd have lost interest if I didn't sense strong attraction and pursuing on his part but I'm not one to sit back and take, take, take and let the guy do all of the work anyway. If he's a good guy he's not exactly gonna be put off somebody compatible that he's interested in just because they made the first move. Nobody likes something handed to them on a platter with zero work involved, but everyone likes to feel desired and as though they're not wasting their time either. Ladies, send messages! 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'm curious,too. If a girl approaches, does she pay for her half or does he pay? I tried asking a guy out irl but it was awkward. I think it's better to let them ask. On our first date I was the one to pin the time down (because I was the busiest and got an unexpected free night) but he paid for the date (I only had two drinks... I offered to get the second round but he wouldn't let me). We went for coffee a date or two after that and I paid the tab while he was in the bathroom. I don't keep count but I'd say in the four months we've been together, I'd say that it's probably about 40% him paying, 30% me paying and 30% splitting. Ish. We're both broke right now and I actually take pride in being able to pay for a date for us both, as long as neither of us are forced to pay for the vast majority of the time. I like to pull my weight.
phineas Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I get messages like that too (from guys) and respond back to them in almost the same way! thanks for posting this cuz it shows me that idiots or time-wasters come in both genders! I don't bother wasting my time crafting a poetic masterpiece for each woman. Takes too long when trolling the sites and i've got better things to do than spend hrs on POF. I send out a bunch of messages that say "How's it going?" Then get on with my life. If she likes my pictures she responds. I don't care how she responds. After that I make conversation. It's really no different than introducing yourself to someone in a bar.
musemaj11 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) My experiences with approaching first on OLD have been - Guy is flattered and bewildered, because as a man he never gets messages, and then it goes one of two ways..... He looks at your profile and thinks you're hot, you all live happily ever after. Or He looks at your profile, he's not attracted to you. But - he never gets messages! What should he do? Well, he's spent so long complaining about women who ignore messages, he'd better write back. Except he doesn't say "no thanks", because he's never been in this situation before. Maybe he should just be lukewarm in case he doesn't get any other offers. You get the reply, and write back. At this point, he'll probably carry on a half-hearted conversation, but he's hard work. Then he'll either slowly fade away (because men like this hate tying up their own loose ends, or as they call it "dealing with drama queens"), or you'll get impatient and suggest a meet. He agrees, still not feeling it. But he'll meet you, and depending on how many other irons he has in the fire, he'll continue to half heartedly date you, until you're in some kind of pseudo relationship, where you're wondering why he doesn't initiate any contact, he doesn't seem that into it and he's still logging onto the dating site 14 hours a day. You'll second guess everything he says, and probably post on here asking if he's into you, or is he just afraid of being hurt, or any other excuse for why he's such hard work. Eventually, he'll decide he can't continue and either do the fade (see above), or break up with you. All of which could have been avoided if he'd just said "no thanks" to your first message. Have fun! We men have this belief that women are this extremely emotional and sensitive creatures compared to us. Just for example two days ago I had an older woman introduce herself to me at a club. I wasnt attracted to her but I was stumped because didnt know what to do nor say. I ended up ignoring her and she in the end went her own way. However, until now I still feel bad about it because I assume in my mind that since she was a woman, she must feel crushed due to my rejection although it might not be true and for all I know she might be a regular there and she had done that to countless men and thought nothing of it. So yeah thats the reason why men dont reject a woman's approach flat out. We are afraid of hurting you. And since it doesnt happen to us often, we aren't used to it. Women on the other hand have had to blow away guys since very early. This is why as much as I love the idea of women initiating but in reality I hated it when I was approached by women I had no interest in. I didnt want their attention yet at the same time I didnt know how to reject them ... Edited October 9, 2013 by musemaj11
Mascara Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 as much as I love the idea of women initiating but in reality I hated it when I was approached by women I had no interest in. I didnt want their attention yet at the same time I didnt know how to reject them ... Exactly. Men love the idea of it, because the idea of it is a hot naked chick with beer. 1
Author Ok Good Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 I don't bother wasting my time crafting a poetic masterpiece for each woman. Takes too long when trolling the sites and i've got better things to do than spend hrs on POF. I send out a bunch of messages that say "How's it going?" Then get on with my life. If she likes my pictures she responds. I don't care how she responds. After that I make conversation. It's really no different than introducing yourself to someone in a bar. Do you get many responses back from this approach? I ask b/c when I get such messages I never think the guy is actually serious about getting to know me (he doesn't leave his name, say anything which actually relates to my profile, etc) and I just delete. This is even the one type of message I don't even respond with a 'no, thanks we're not a match' message...
Blastoplast Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Girl I'm currently dating initiated contact and it was flattering and i'm head over heels for her. If a guy really likes a girl and wants something meaningful, initiating contact should work every time.
Babolat Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'm curious,too. If a girl approaches, does she pay for her half or does he pay? I tried asking a guy out irl but it was awkward. I think it's better to let them ask. No brainer for me, as a guy, I always pay even if I know it's not going to be more than 1 date, meaning there is no connection. It's just the gentelmen, right thing to do.
Babolat Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I am on an OLD site now. I get 3-4 messages a day. I am even now getting ones from woman who are "available"; meaning married and looking to have fun. I will usually reply, unless there is no attraction at all after looking at their profile and pics.
Content Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Besides, who has to 'chase' anyone? Why can't two people just express an interest or even mild curiosity to get to know someone? Who cares who goes first? It's a power play before a relationship even begins and overprotection of the ego. Im nearly in my mid 30's if a women is still into playing these games at this stage its just sad and a huge turnoff for me im not putting up with it. 1
phineas Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Do you get many responses back from this approach? I ask b/c when I get such messages I never think the guy is actually serious about getting to know me (he doesn't leave his name, say anything which actually relates to my profile, etc) and I just delete. This is even the one type of message I don't even respond with a 'no, thanks we're not a match' message... All the time. Are you there to meet people or have men shout how awesome your profile is you while you stand on your pedestal? I personally can care less if a woman responds because OLD is just another tool for meeting women. It isn't my life or only chance at a date. Plus, I get women messaging me. Granted all they usually say is "hi". but whatever, as long as they use more than 3 words when replying to me it's cool. Seriously, how has meeting with the guys who lay it on in the first message worked out for you? Still doing OLD?
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