Ok Good Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I've been doing all this reading & researching on creating a good dating relationship From what I've learned it seems its always better to wait for guys to contact you (OLD) than a girl making the first move--this helps the girl gauge his interest and intentions it seems My problem is because I'm older I'm getting very few messages from guys (especially ones I would consider as long term prospects) but I don't really want to be the pursuer so I'm just waiting My current strategy has been letting him know I visited his profile & sent one wink (on Match) =no response back. I'm on several sites to increase my chances Should I just keep waiting for a good guy to contact me (I started back online a week ago) or say hi first to someone that may be a good match for me? Also, what has been your experience initiating the contact as a female?? thanks for your help!!
Mascara Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 My experiences with approaching first on OLD have been - Guy is flattered and bewildered, because as a man he never gets messages, and then it goes one of two ways..... He looks at your profile and thinks you're hot, you all live happily ever after. Or He looks at your profile, he's not attracted to you. But - he never gets messages! What should he do? Well, he's spent so long complaining about women who ignore messages, he'd better write back. Except he doesn't say "no thanks", because he's never been in this situation before. Maybe he should just be lukewarm in case he doesn't get any other offers. You get the reply, and write back. At this point, he'll probably carry on a half-hearted conversation, but he's hard work. Then he'll either slowly fade away (because men like this hate tying up their own loose ends, or as they call it "dealing with drama queens"), or you'll get impatient and suggest a meet. He agrees, still not feeling it. But he'll meet you, and depending on how many other irons he has in the fire, he'll continue to half heartedly date you, until you're in some kind of pseudo relationship, where you're wondering why he doesn't initiate any contact, he doesn't seem that into it and he's still logging onto the dating site 14 hours a day. You'll second guess everything he says, and probably post on here asking if he's into you, or is he just afraid of being hurt, or any other excuse for why he's such hard work. Eventually, he'll decide he can't continue and either do the fade (see above), or break up with you. All of which could have been avoided if he'd just said "no thanks" to your first message. Have fun! 6
candie13 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Never tried OLD. IRL I am letting guys doing the approaching. I remember meeting this hot guy whom I met through common friends. The guy did ask me out, eventually, but I was the one playing. It's lovely, loads of fun, but it's not something I do naturally. In the end, I got tired of playing games and the guy, also interested in me, was too afraid to get out of his comfort zone. And by the time he did, frankly, the magic had already gone. I think you should try it, I believe men like to be pursued. Some actually love that. But find your balance, only do what you feel comfortable doing, don't be the one doing all the hard work - other than showing interest and maybe flirting a bit more than the usual.
hotpotato Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I'm curious,too. If a girl approaches, does she pay for her half or does he pay? I tried asking a guy out irl but it was awkward. I think it's better to let them ask.
FitChick Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Nothing good has ever come of my initiating contact. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Nothing good has ever come of my initiating contact. Why? What happened? I love it when a woman initiates. It certainly is a rare event, but it's flattering and a little un-nerving I must admit at first...
darkmoon Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 move forward, yes, you'll get laid, okay, but if you want love and he is a commitment-phobe, you might wish you hadn't tried, in fact you can easily be understood to be in love if you come on too strong inviting rejection, even contempt if you persist, no, it's looking for trouble is asking first, you can even be ignored, told he'll phone you (when he gets a stiff nob) sometime
Carenth Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I've had several women in the past ask me out, including my current girlfriend. It is very flattering and appealing that she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after it. I would much prefer that then someone who sits around pouting about why a guy won't ask her out. Of course there is the chance of rejection which is something guys have had to deal with forever. However that is the risk you take when you ask someone out. Many of my female friends cannot deal with that risk when I point out to them that they could ask out the person they are interested in.
FitChick Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 A wise, happily married friend told me years ago that if I asked a guy out, I'd never know if he was really into me or just had nothing better to do. I listened and from that point on, never experienced the angst I had prior. Also makes my life easier!
Author Ok Good Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 My experiences with approaching first on OLD have been - Guy is flattered and bewildered, because as a man he never gets messages, and then it goes one of two ways..... He looks at your profile and thinks you're hot, you all live happily ever after. Or He looks at your profile, he's not attracted to you. But - he never gets messages! What should he do? Well, he's spent so long complaining about women who ignore messages, he'd better write back. Except he doesn't say "no thanks", because he's never been in this situation before. Maybe he should just be lukewarm in case he doesn't get any other offers. You get the reply, and write back. At this point, he'll probably carry on a half-hearted conversation, but he's hard work. Then he'll either slowly fade away (because men like this hate tying up their own loose ends, or as they call it "dealing with drama queens"), or you'll get impatient and suggest a meet. He agrees, still not feeling it. But he'll meet you, and depending on how many other irons he has in the fire, he'll continue to half heartedly date you, until you're in some kind of pseudo relationship, where you're wondering why he doesn't initiate any contact, he doesn't seem that into it and he's still logging onto the dating site 14 hours a day. You'll second guess everything he says, and probably post on here asking if he's into you, or is he just afraid of being hurt, or any other excuse for why he's such hard work. Eventually, he'll decide he can't continue and either do the fade (see above), or break up with you. All of which could have been avoided if he'd just said "no thanks" to your first message. Have fun! This ^^ is brilliantly said! All I'm interested in is showing that I'm interested in him but from then on, I figure it will have to be him to do the initial work (as I understand this is how the dating game thing works...)
Author Ok Good Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I am not an f but I'll try to help out by clarifying some misconception you have. What you read was in accurate. It's not always good to wait for the guy to contact on OLD [that is for asking out on a date]. You don't have to be the pursuer but you can make it easier for the guy. That is how you do it. So if you have to initiate the convo on OLD, go ahead. If he likes you he will ask you out in a few messages or so [and if he doesn't he will just continue to talk to you like a penpal]. Visiting and winking - and then waiting for something to happen - is weak . Have some confidence to say a sentence or two, if you think he is intriguing/interesting. That does not make you desperate [contacting multiple times w/o a response does]. I had quite a few girls approach me on OLD [mostly because we were a good match or they thought we were] and I never thought of them as 'losers' or 'easy sex.' Assumed it was just their way of *winking* so to speak, by metaphorically saying "Hey I am here" [regardless of what they said in their original message.] There are so many people here who think if they sent a text or if they sent an OLD message to the guy, they are going to be seen as desperate. That is crazy. No, you are not seen that way. Unless you write him a long letter about how you have your kids' name planned already. So, relax. thank you for your male perspective, this ^^ too was really helpful! because, you're right, all I want the guy to know is really, 'hey I'm here & think you're cute.' And I'm glad at least one guy doesn't think a woman is a loser or strange for reaching out that way! It gives me alittle more courage to try picking rather than just waiting to be picked!!
Author Ok Good Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 A wise, happily married friend told me years ago that if I asked a guy out, I'd never know if he was really into me or just had nothing better to do. I listened and from that point on, never experienced the angst I had prior. Also makes my life easier! this ^^ is what I hear ALL THE TIME, so that makes me cautious about the reaching out first thing BTW I would never ask the guy out first, just some type of first contact and he can take it from there (or not)
Author Ok Good Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 no kidding. A woman approaching a man is so rare, you wonder if she's an assassin sent to kill you by people who dislike you OMG I would hate to be seen that way for merely reaching out to someone
todreaminblue Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 as a rule of thumb i have always waited for the guy to contact me...i dont hunt for guys and sifting through profiles feels like that for me in real life guys approach me and i comfortable that way so i dont change the way i am online.......i dont last long on online dating even if i have an interest in a guy i eventually fade off......i like one on one and i feel obligated to answer all the messages even though the guys are probably dicks anyway...and it gets too much...they all blend into one ..sometimes they get aggressive with me...and i deactivate my accounts...i like to know a guy as a friend first see him in real life just being himself, how he really behaves with children(i have three teen girls) and i feel a lot more comfortable accepting a date....maybe that's because i like to trust a guy i go out with ...not to slip something in my drink.......or my coffee...it really does happen...down under rohipnol seems to be one of choice.......so yeah ...online isnt my style......deb
Author Ok Good Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 as a rule of thumb i have always waited for the guy to contact me...i dont hunt for guys and sifting through profiles feels like that for me in real life guys approach me and i comfortable that way so i dont change the way i am online.......i dont last long on online dating even if i have an interest in a guy i eventually fade off......i like one on one and i feel obligated to answer all the messages even though the guys are probably dicks anyway...and it gets too much...they all blend into one ..sometimes they get aggressive with me...and i deactivate my accounts...i like to know a guy as a friend first see him in real life just being himself, how he really behaves with children(i have three teen girls) and i feel a lot more comfortable accepting a date....maybe that's because i like to trust a guy i go out with ...not to slip something in my drink.......or my coffee...it really does happen...down under rohipnol seems to be one of choice.......so yeah ...online isnt my style......deb 1) you're assuming that I'm getting alot of online attention, I'm not. so I'm trying to figure out possible other strategies that I might be comfortable with rather than just waiting around to see if someone picks me 2) why would you assume that online dates are any less safe than someone you meet IRL? I think OLD can sometimes actually be MORE safe because there is some degree of screening (at least that's what I do) before I meet someone The idea of giving my number to a stranger that I meet at a cafe or market seems infinitely more dodgey to me.
phineas Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I get women contacting me on OLD on a regular basis. I assume it's because i'm 41 & clearly from my pics its apparent I can still see my dink in the shower. But, you better be attractive & you better have something to say if I respond. Lot's of women blow their load so to speak in the first message then resort to "lol" or 3 words or less when responding. Seriously? Even if I contact you first & get that in return i'll stop talking to you.
Author Ok Good Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Ok I'm going to give it a try this next week and reach out to some guys (OLD) and see how it goes.. Wow, now I know how it feels to be the guy and have to do the cold calling so to speak! Guess, I'll just use the same lines that are used on me, "Hi, you sound like an interesting person, my name is X how's your day going?" (This btw is one of the more tame openings that don't mention attractive physical characteristics immediately!)
Author Ok Good Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 But, you better be attractive & you better have something to say if I respond. Lot's of women blow their load so to speak in the first message then resort to "lol" or 3 words or less when responding. yeah, I'm attractive enough (athletic, thin, petite, etc) though older (late 40's) so that probably diminishes my attractability a bit which I'm guessing is why I don't get more attention (other than from very young guys looking for a hookup or from guys like in 3 states away!) and yes, I can hold a conversation, though its frustrating when the guy wants to jump right to getting my phone number or meeting up within one email!
candie13 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I've encountered dozens of women I was insanely attracted to that I never asked out. Whether or not a guy asks out a girl comes down to whether or not he thinks he may have an okay chance to get a "yes" more than anything else. Hell I'm more likely to ask out a lesser attractive girl because I feel that I have a better chance of getting a "yes". After the first date, it should be about even for both parties initiating dates with each other See, this is partially the problem. A guy who won't have the courage to ask you out because you're too pretty, will he feel comfortable dating you and pursuing a relationship with you, even if you do initiate contact first and even ask him out? There's no pill that can make one confident, on the long term. See, behavior is, at times, relevant as to the character of a person. If you ask guys out, you are for sure enlarging the pool of people you can get in contact with, which is great, because that's the purpose of OLD. I would simply be extra extra careful, as more choice isn't necessarily better choice. 1
Author Ok Good Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 See, this is partially the problem. A guy who won't have the courage to ask you out because you're too pretty, will he feel comfortable dating you and pursuing a relationship with you, even if you do initiate contact first and even ask him out? There's no pill that can make one confident, on the long term. See, behavior is, at times, relevant as to the character of a person. If you ask guys out, you are for sure enlarging the pool of people you can get in contact with, which is great, because that's the purpose of OLD. I would simply be extra extra careful, as more choice isn't necessarily better choice. this ^^ is a very wise observation and I fully agree with you all I'm going to try is the first contact and let the guy take it from there as I don't want to 'carry' a relationship.
candie13 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 When I was 19, I had terrible confidence issues but I was pretty good looking so I still got approached by this beautiful 17 year old girl at my job. I felt comfortable with her very quickly because I knew she liked me. We got along very well but I ended up screwing things over after a couple months because of my inexperience It's a different thing when you know a girl is attracted to you. You feel so much more confident and comfortable Well, things don't work out for so many reasons, isn't it, haha! The last guy I dated had insecurity issues. No matter how much I showed him I liked him - and we'd been dating for over 6 months - he'd still be on this guard, insecure. I wasn't going out clubbing, I wasn't wasting my time in bars talking with random men when I was out with my gfs... And no, the guy was not 17 or 19, he was 38. I've realized that his insecurities were not triggered by my behaviour, but had to do with himself. I was a lot more attractive than the type of girls he was used to dating and he had a really difficult time adjusting to that. We'd met at a social event and he gave me his business card, asking me to drop him a line. I did not. Over the next three months, we kept running into each other, we were hanging out at the same places and had some occasional chats. After a particularly animated discussion, in my favorite coffee place, I thought to myself... what the hell, why not? LEt's see what happens if I do drop him that mail. He pursued me from that moment onwards, but yeah, his insecurities did influence his behaviour. IT did not get better. So yeah, I dunno what to say, contact guys you find interesting, but if in doubt, just stay away. Nothing good ever came up, unless both people were heavily invested in each other.
FitChick Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Depending on the website, you can make someone a Favorite or wink or indicate in some way that you find them attractive without contacting them. If they like what they see, they will contact because you will have shown that you are receptive to their advances. It's a modern day version of the 19th Century lady dropping her hankie in front of an attractive man. I am assuming you have clear, current photos of your face and body. Key!
Author Ok Good Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Depending on the website, you can make someone a Favorite or wink or indicate in some way that you find them attractive without contacting them. If they like what they see, they will contact because you will have shown that you are receptive to their advances. It's a modern day version of the 19th Century lady dropping her hankie in front of an attractive man. I am assuming you have clear, current photos of your face and body. Key! ok, we seem to have the same thinking on this so maybe I'll go with the more subtle approach first, the winking & favorite thing this week and see what happens, as I do really agree that if the guy doesn't make the effort initially it really ends up coloring how the relationship looks & works... I've been the pursuer before and I don't like the feeling at all (too much wondering & worrying--way too stressful! ) and yes, I've got good photos (always get nice compliments on them ) thank you for your help & support!
RedRobin Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 My best interactions come from me initiating... Without exception, the worst is when the guy has initiated. In life and in dating... Generally, I don't really care who initiates. Reciprocity is important. That I establish early on in any of my relationships (business, friendship, romance).
MsOptimist Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Yes, I've had a good experience contacting a guy first on OLD and we've been dating for 3 months now and it's going extremely well. His profile seemed exactly like the kind of person I was looking for, so I went for it with a very simple message. We messaged back and forth a few times and within a day we had a phone conversation and a first date set up. I figured he probably had girls crawling all over him, but no, he didn't put any effort into OLD since he's very busy with work and his kids. He read messages he received but otherwise wasn't active on the site. After that initial contact message I did make sure to let him take the lead on any of the followup contact though. He set up the dates, he called/texted first, etc. until we established that we were exclusive. So my advice is to go for it and contact someone you're interested in, but then let the guy take the lead from there if he's interested. 2
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