Hooya Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Hi, I just joined the forum seeking some support and perspective on the end of my relationship. This post will probably be long, so please bear with me. I feel like I need to give a little background. I met my gf a year and a half ago. From our first conversation there was amazing chemistry between us and we fell for each other hard. We had both been in LTR's previously, she has a child and I don't. We both expressed intense feelings for each other, she said she had never felt this way about anyone. After a month of dating we made it official, and had the talk about being committed to one another. Things were amazing. We clicked on all levels. The sex was amazing, we did it it least 5 days a week. She is very comfortable sexually, and we discussed our past experiences with no jealousy or judgement. Thing were going well. She introduced me to her daughter and I began to bond with her. She asked me to move in with her at the six month mark. I agreed, I was staying with her every night anyways. The first few months on cohabitation were great. Around our one year anniversary she began having issues, severe migraines and a pain in her groin. She was refered to a gynocologist who diagnosed her with cancer. The outlook was good, no chemo etc. Surgery was scheduled 6 weeks after diagnosis. She was reasonably scared and stressed out, as we all would be. She began spending all her free time online reading about cancer. She also began to withdraw from me and showed signs of depression. I never badgered her about showing me affection like she used to, she had a lot on her mind. I remember one night her crying on my chest expressing fear that I would leave her. I assured her that I loved her, and my commitment was as strong as ever. The surgery came and went, all went well and she was told no sex for a month. She went back and was told she could resume having sex, but that It would be painful at first. She told me that she wasn't ready, still had pain. I told her that I understand and I would be wait until she is ready, but also reminded her that I want to be physical with her. That was nearly 4 months ago, and we have had no sex, no sexual contact of any degree for that matter. Our relationship has eroded emotionally this whole time. Sh rarely acknowledges me when I come home from work, our communication is thin and short. About a month ago things got worse. She told me that I've been smothering her with my attempts to open her up and work on the relationship. I saw the writing on the wall long before then. Well, earlier this week we had an arguement, and it ended when she said "I'm done". I told her it would take me a few weeks to get my stuff together and leave. After that I stopped engaging her about the relationship, and we quit saying "I love you" to each other. She seems to be more relaxed now. Last night she asked me if I wanted to go out with her. We had an amazing time together, lots of laughing and good conversation. When we left she said "will you stay here in town or move back", I had come from a town a few miles away. My heart sank. I really want to save the relationship, even though I know she doesn't want to work on it. I'm heart broken in a way I've never felt. How could something so good go so bad? I'm going to ease up and give her space while I get nyself together to move. I'm still holding out hope that she'll realize that she's ending a good thing. I feel like the support I've given her has meant nothing to her. I feel lost and confused. I can't eat, focus at work etc. It did feel good to write this post tho, to get It off my chest. I don't know how to cope with this and move on. Thanks for reading.
Romaks Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I can't imagine what you're going through, and still, it's harder to imagine what she went through. Especially with the child, the cancer affected her a lot more than you think. Personally, I'd continue to be there for her at some capacity, and she'll appreciate you more for it. Give her space, but make sure she knows you're there for her. This is obviously a delicate situation and you have no idea what she's feeling. It could be that she's trying to push you away after getting such a dose for reality because she sees what's important (not that you're not important) and needs to be dealt with before her romantic needs.
Author Hooya Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Thanks for your thoughts. I have considered exactly what you have described. I feel like she has been depressed for months. But she really doesn't want to open up to me about it. I come off as smothering when I try. Its a tough situation.
Romaks Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Yeah definitely don't ask her how you can help or seek confirmation that she's alright and all because that comes off as selfish: "Are you done being sick? Can we get back to where we left off?" You might not be saying that, but that's what she hears. Honestly don't do anything because it'll always come off as insensitive. I'd probably keep it to like a very minimal contact, and check in once in a while whenever you think is right.
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