find dealbreakers

[conf]

how to find the dealbreakers in a break up and evolve yourself? She did not give me a reason. She also said that it was a good relationship and wished to had met me later on her life.

 

After 4 months of self-reflection i have questioned everything (e.g. compatibility, communication) and everyone keep telling me that these questions are bull**** and that i am acting like that out of insecurity. They keep telling me that i was in a good relationship with a person very compatible to me who just ruined everything because her enviroment believes that love is all about butterflies and drama.

 

Is it common to not give any reason for the break up? How to be better in my next rs when i cant find the dealbreakers in my previous one? I see, that my inability to find these dealbreakers seems egocentric and that i cant accept my mistakes. But this is not true, I want to know the brutal truth from her (because she is the only one who know it) in order to learn from my mistakes and become better.

 

Maybe a reason is that we took each other for granted, but is this a dealbreaker if you love the other person and you have a healthy rs? I think that you can work on it...

 

You can find the details of my bu in my previous posts.

 

Thanks in advance

[lauri]

To be honest, a girl leaves you because she has low interest level in you. She either has gone to the point of no return (asking to just be friends) or is on her way there.

 

I don't think it really matters the "real reason" because they will never tell you. Most of the time, it is because they met another guy who adds this "spark" to their life again.

 

When its done, you show them you're strong and you move on. Don't talk, don't explain, don't even look for reasons. Just move forward, NC, and tell them to go enjoy their lives without because they can't have the best of both worlds.

[conf]

I think that this is a reason (another man) or maybe Gigs but i cant understand it. You will never be in love forever with someone. I have read that the inlove feeling can last to 3 years at most. So what the point to leave a healthy and stable relationship with someone you love? After the honeymoon period of the new relationship you will feel tha same loss of spark...

[Never Again]

To be honest, a girl leaves you because she has low interest level in you. She either has gone to the point of no return (asking to just be friends) or is on her way there.

 

I don't think it really matters the "real reason" because they will never tell you. Most of the time, it is because they met another guy who adds this "spark" to their life again.

 

When its done, you show them you're strong and you move on. Don't talk, don't explain, don't even look for reasons. Just move forward, NC, and tell them to go enjoy their lives without because they can't have the best of both worlds.

 

While I agree with you on all fronts, I hate the "low interest level" BS. I'm not arguing with you on the facts, I just hate that it's true.

 

 

The "spark" is not designed to stay forever. It has ups and downs, and some people quit sooner than others, and quitting without communicating or trying is downright childish.

 

We do ourselves a disservice by relying so heavily on it. I get that it's an incredible feeling, but it can come around again (or be sort of maintained) if both people are willing to work at it. The "spark" is a chemical response to newness and anxiety, and we're teaching people that it's better to be distant, difficult and selfish to keep it going.

 

I understand that being insecure, needy, and a doormat is bad...but so many are being dumped for being emotionally available, open, kind and supportive of their significant other because those traits aren't "challenging" so the "spark" of newness wears off faster. Being a good partner is not often rewarded because stability is valued lower than this "spark".

 

It's honestly discouraging.

[lauri]

While I agree with you on all fronts, I hate the "low interest level" BS. I'm not arguing with you on the facts, I just hate that it's true.

 

 

The "spark" is not designed to stay forever. It has ups and downs, and some people quit sooner than others, and quitting without communicating or trying is downright childish.

 

We do ourselves a disservice by relying so heavily on it. I get that it's an incredible feeling, but it can come around again (or be sort of maintained) if both people are willing to work at it. The "spark" is a chemical response to newness and anxiety, and we're teaching people that it's better to be distant, difficult and selfish to keep it going.

 

I understand that being insecure, needy, and a doormat is bad...but so many are being dumped for being emotionally available, open, kind and supportive of their significant other because those traits aren't "challenging" so the "spark" of newness wears off faster. Being a good partner is not often rewarded because stability is valued lower than this "spark".

 

It's honestly discouraging.

 

It is discouraging but its the reality of what women want. They want a guy with confidence, self control and that is a challenge.

 

Unfortunately, if you are no longer a challenge to your woman she will lose interest. I know with my ex I lost self control and it absolutely killed me. I was getting jealous bc she wasn't talking to me as much anymore and getting distant, mainly bc it was long distance.

 

The spark will go away eventually and when it does I guarantee my ex will regret leaving me. In the end if someone doesn't appreciate you and what you do, its best to move away and find a girl who's better worth your time. If her interest level drops too low, ur doomed forever with her as she will always remember how u made her feel ( in a bad way ).

[conf]

I think that relationships are about caring, supporting, having fun with the things you do with your SO, giving, growing together and all of that without losing your independence . So, in every rs i must expect that finally the interest level will become low...

 

In my opinion, being in relationships only because you expect from your SO to be a challenge is immature and it is not true love. Maybe it has to do with insecurities, does it?

[Never Again]

I think that relationships are about caring, supporting, having fun with the things you do with your SO, giving, growing together and all of that without losing your independence . So, in every rs i must expect that finally the interest level will become low...

 

In my opinion, being in relationships only because you expect from your SO to be a challenge is immature and it is not true love. Maybe it has to do with insecurities, does it?

 

Being a "challenge" can be twofold.

 

I agree with CHALLENGING your partner. Argue with them, get them to do new things, help them GROW.

 

However, when people talk about being "a challenge to maintain interest", they're basically saying you have to play hard to get all the time. Make someone chase you, work for you. It's incredibly immature. It's all about making someone feel anxious that they could lose you, about forcing them to invest in you to stay connected. It keeps the "spark" going because they can't calm down and relax.

 

It's the basis of so much of today's dating advice. About making your partner feel like you're more valuable than they are, instead of being on equal footing, so they they'll feel "lucky" to be with you. It's the idea that stability and passion have an inverse relationship. The more stable you are, the more the "spark" fades.

 

My opinion? It's the reason why the divorce rate is so high in the US nowadays. Everyone is chasing the high, saying you'll "just know" when you're with the right person. That's fueled off of the "spark"/chemistry, and that ALWAYS fades. So people get together because they "just know", and marriage doesn't stop it from fading.