Layzie1207 Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 i have been on no contact with my ex for about 2 months now and i was going to ask to see her around christmas time. during the break i kind of realized all my mistakes in the relationship and have made a bunch of life changes and i still love her very much. when i see her i am going to tell her how sorry i am for how i treated her and how i could never treat her badly again and how much i have changed and want another chance. i feel very very trapped because at the end of the relationship she stopped loving me because she was fed up with being unhappy. i want another chance but i dont see how she can just "turn on" the love again. even during the break up she was trying to force herself to love me, but anyone who has ever tried to do that knows that is impossible. i think one option is to be her friend, but im very scared of being stuck waiting around for her to give me another chance, and if she was to go out with someone else while i was her friend, i would be heartbroken. i was thinking of telling her how i feel trapped and im not sure what to do, because if she wants me to stop loving her and just get over her, i most likely wouldnt be able to talk to her or have contact with her for a LONG time. im very conflicted and im unsure if i should present her with how i feel or just tell her what i realize without telling her how trapped i feel. i want to be honest with her, but i feel liek by telling her how trapped i feel, it would be trapping her into either giving me another chance or asking me to stop loving her. i know i should be able to be her friend if i love her, but i just dont think im strong enough to endure that pain if she was to go out with someone else or i couldnt really go out with anyone else if i was still in love with her, waiting for her to give me another chance. thank you for any input also, im a little nervous about what i should say to her when i ask to see her again
hurtingandconfused Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 i think one option is to be her friend, but im very scared of being stuck waiting around for her to give me another chance, and if she was to go out with someone else while i was her friend, i would be heartbroken. This is not friendship. This is being hopeless. If you want to be her friend you will have to face the consequences. i was thinking of telling her how i feel trapped and im not sure what to do Don't tell her how you feel. You will sound like a desperate and pathetic loser. She has no clue what you are going through. i know i should be able to be her friend if i love her If you truly love her, then you should be happy with her decisions. Being someone's friend and loving someone are two different things. i just dont think im strong enough to endure that pain if she was to go out with someone else You are strong enough, and you will make it through. Believe me it takes lots of time. also, im a little nervous about what i should say to her when i ask to see her again Don't set up a "date." Let fate take over..If you two meet in the future then, let it be.
AltplanB Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Don't tell her how you feel. If you are gonna talk to her and their is no way of stopping yourself, make sure to come across that you don't need her in anyway. Don't even say you miss her, she already knows that or you wouldn't of contacted her. Just tell her whats going on and through in some questions. Make sure to tell her that life is going great for you and that something really cool happened for you and you wanted to tell her. See where it leads.
chocolate_boy Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Don't tell her how you feel. If you are gonna talk to her and their is no way of stopping yourself, make sure to come across that you don't need her in anyway. Don't even say you miss her, she already knows that or you wouldn't of contacted her. Just tell her whats going on and through in some questions. Make sure to tell her that life is going great for you and that something really cool happened for you and you wanted to tell her. See where it leads. That old chestnut, I honestly don't think that works at all, and it's so transparent (surely everyone knows that trick?). I firmly believe you can't play tricks to "win" someone back, and the only way a relationship can spark back up is if the person who did the dumping has a change of heart (and 99.9% of the time they will do this on their own without any tricks or moves from you).
AltplanB Posted December 8, 2005 Posted December 8, 2005 Hell my ex is looking for someone else to fill my spot. She told me she is dating this one dude but she doesn't know where it will go. I told her all my feelings and it got me nowwhere. She never responded. If she ever talks to me again, it will be at her own admission. They have to do it, otherwise your just digging yourself a larger hole. They have to think that you are ok with not being with them and then (this is key) not like it. They have to see you moving on and possibly want to give you a second chance. My ex is not likely to do this and it hurts me a lot but its how **** is. SHe made the choice and nothing i did made her change her mind. And i tried everything. So just give up dude. Just let her contact you.
meltwithme Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 There is no coming back. NO contact - not every few weeks,months, or lifetimes. You even said it yourself, you can't be her friend and believe me she doesn't want to be yours. If she even agrees to be friends it will be out of pity and it will just keep you stuck on her instead of finding someone better. Don't call man, probably time to go watch 'swingers' again. edit: I did break it after a few months and totaly regret it. Someone here told me 'what you think will happen is the opposite of what actually will' and I didn't want to believe it but he was 100% correct. If you make the same mistake I did you will regret it. Wait a couple months atleast, then wait a few more, and a few more...
J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 >Someone here told me 'what you think will happen is the opposite of what actually will' and I didn't want to believe it but he was 100% correct. Was it westernxer who said that? I like that statement because holy crap is it ever the truest of the true. As for contacting the girl, its a lost cause. The only way to get her back is to get on with life, and if she does then you can make your decision from there. But if she wanted you back, she'll come back on her own without you confusing her with your feelings. And no matter WHAT you say or do, it won't sway her in to a decision she doesnt want....thats 100% up to her. My guess is if you contact her it's going to be a slap to the reset button on your healing process.
Bogun Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 Some good advice here lazie, especially from JDUB, who seems to have become LS's resident guru on second chances (I think she has a soft spot for people dying for a second chance ). Don't contact them, get on with your life. The first step on the path to recovery, (when you finally decide "enough is enough I want to get over this"), is probably one of the hardest on the road to recovery. The sooner you take that step, the sooner you will be grateful (in a healthy way) that the relationship ended.
J dub Posted December 9, 2005 Posted December 9, 2005 >especially from JDUB, who seems to have become LS's resident guru on second chances (I think she has a soft spot for people dying for a second chance ). I got my second chance because I listened to and implemented the ideas given to me here on LS. I'm just returning the favor to those who were in my shoes
jacked17 Posted December 10, 2005 Posted December 10, 2005 I've been talking about this on the coping side of things today but I broke NC the other day and it was the biggest mistake. I was doing about 1% better than I was doing in the past and I was on the road to recovery. I contacted my ex and it went so well and she asked me to lunch. I'm the dumpee by the way. We went to lunch and it was great and it was like nothing had changed. There were feelings there and sparks. Feelings she claims will always be there. She's moved on. She's dating someone else. She saw it as an opportunity to start a friendship or something. It absolutely killed me because I fell in love with her again and it opened up all of the old wounds that weren't even remotely healed. It sent me into a bigger tailspin than I was last time I contacted her. Believe me if you can avoid, I would avoid your ex at all costs your own sake because if you go there and get turned down or they don't want to get back together it's like getting dumped all over again.
chocolate_boy Posted December 11, 2005 Posted December 11, 2005 I've been talking about this on the coping side of things today but I broke NC the other day and it was the biggest mistake. I was doing about 1% better than I was doing in the past and I was on the road to recovery. I contacted my ex and it went so well and she asked me to lunch. I'm the dumpee by the way. We went to lunch and it was great and it was like nothing had changed. There were feelings there and sparks. Feelings she claims will always be there. She's moved on. She's dating someone else. She saw it as an opportunity to start a friendship or something. It absolutely killed me because I fell in love with her again and it opened up all of the old wounds that weren't even remotely healed. It sent me into a bigger tailspin than I was last time I contacted her. Believe me if you can avoid, I would avoid your ex at all costs your own sake because if you go there and get turned down or they don't want to get back together it's like getting dumped all over again. You're so right, every one that has done the "drink" or "dinner" date comes off like this, I've been there!
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