Cocochai Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Hello it's been months since I been on this site and, crying over getting over my XMM... I told him I couldn't do this anymore and we agreed to stop but, we were still FB friends. When I kicked him off and told him, I can't have it in my face (your M) anymore... We went NC for good. Fast fwrd.... I meant someone new who's single and knows my past with the XMM. He didn't judge and treats me the way I deserve. The only problem is.. I keep thinking about the XMM. I would never do anything to jeopardize what a good potential relationship I may have with my new guy but... I hate that the XMM keeps creeping in my mind. Perhaps it's due to the awkward closure we had... Maybe it's because he didn't show any care towards my feelings in the end and ignored them. Who knows but... Is this normal and when will this go away?? My new man doesn't deserve that.
Author Cocochai Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 It sounds to me like you aren't quite healed and maybe not quite ready to move on. Not that you need/want to be with exMM again, but it sounds like maybe you haven't quite worked through it yet. You don't need any contact with exMM to work through it - but in order to be ready for a new relationship, you definitely need to have worked through most (if not all) of your thoughts/feelings about exMM and that relationship. It takes time. I'm not sure how long you were together, but I read somewhere once that for every year of a relationship, you should give yourself a month for each year at minimum to process and heal. It sounds like you aren't healed yet. Affairs are harder to heal from because they are almost always ended against the will of the participants, due to outside circumstances and not a desire by either party to end the relationship. That complicates the grief undoubtedly. Thank you for breaking it down! Your right I still have to work on getting over those feelings for the XMM. My new man and I have so much fun together and understand what we want at this stage of our relationship... When he's away is when I start to think of the XMM. Either way... I won't put my new man through the issues I'm having. I will continue to take things slow with him. 1
thecharade Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I have no proof, but in my experience, feeling rejected by someone leaves us wanting them. Even when we don't. This is not just As, also divorces and regular break ups. Only if you eventually feel like "oh, ick! He was a terrible person" do the feelings go. But if the relationship is based in something decent and then one person ends it, the rejected party does not get over it. They physically move on and love others, but the love they feel for the one who left just . . . sits there. On hold. I see this phenomenon in real life all. the. time. 2
Author Cocochai Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Thanks for all the advise...I never thought about the rejection aspect... I also think it's an ego thing of my personal own. How easy it was for him to dismiss me once things started getting too deep for us. Ignore my wants for a better closure... It's a lesson learned for sure! Also I am still guarded of putting my heart into my new guys hands and being hurt again... He's aware of me being guarded but understands. He is truly a good guy.
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