Cpt Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, I am a long time reader of LS but this is my first thread post. Sorry for long post, but right now I feel like crap after realising my girlfriend of nearly 5 months is not over her ex. He was her first and I am her second, she is 24 and I am 22. We had both just come out of relationships when we met, but we instantly hit it off. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time as I was still hurting from my ex, and it was the same for her, so at least we were on the same page. Eventually she pursued me and I agreed to be exclusive. In the initial couple of months it crossed my mind as a possibility that she might not be over him, but I was too caught up in the honeymoon phase so I brushed it off. Now that I am starting to fall for this girl, I realised that she is not over her ex and it completely shattered me. To be honest I am angry that she would do this to me, she was the one who pursued me, she was the one who initially suggested for us to be exclusive! Why suggest to be exlusive if she is not over her ex? We had a good thing going when we were casually dating, we didn't need to be exclusive, but I felt I had moved on and thought she had too. To those of you who have been or are in this situation, how did you deal with it or how are you dealing with it? Edited October 6, 2013 by Cpt
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Cpt, Many people look for rebounds immediately after a break-up. Especially if they have been in a LTR. There's a void that needs filling and they often seek out something for the short-term to fill it. You were likely a rebound. Sorry.
Author Cpt Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Cpt, Many people look for rebounds immediately after a break-up. Especially if they have been in a LTR. There's a void that needs filling and they often seek out something for the short-term to fill it. You were likely a rebound. Sorry. Soccer, Thank you for your prompt reply. This is very true, and to some extent she was my rebound also, but before I agreed to be exclusive, I made sure I had moved on. I thought she had moved on too, but obviously I was wrong. What do I do next? My mind is saying dump her now, but my heart is saying take a few steps back and see where this goes. I really don't know what to do, she is otherwise a fantastic girl, we have never fought or argued but knowing her heart is not in this 100%, its hard to continue this relationship for me.
Joaquin Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 (edited) You were on the same page. Now you're not. Be ready for a push pull roller coaster ride of her wanting you, not wanting you, wanting her ex, wanting you both, wanting neither of you, then......her ****ing someone else because she wasn't committed to you on an emotional level. Good luck. Edited October 6, 2013 by Joaquin 1
veggirl Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 She simply can't be alone. It's not uncommon, pathetic as it is. What is it that makes you think she is not over her ex?
TheGuard13 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 What do you mean she's not over her ex? What specifically is the issue here? She still has feelings for him, or she actually wants to get back with him? It takes a while to "forget" someone. And you may never entirely stop having feelings for them on some level. 1
truth_seeker Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 You were on the same page. Now you're not. Be ready for a push pull roller coaster ride of her wanting you, not wanting you, wanting her ex, wanting you both, wanting neither of you, then......her ****ing someone else because she wasn't committed to you on an emotional level. Good luck. Good grief! Get this girl a shrink!
Author Cpt Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate everyone of them. She refuses to tell me anything about their relationship, all I know is that he is her first and last bf before me (lost her virginity to him) and that he hurt her. Last night we were both opening up to each other, and I asked her if she could tell me at least just how the relationship ended, no full on specific details or anything of the sort. She said she doesn't want to talk about it, I respected that and then I asked her if she is over him, she refused to answer. She is the kind not to lie, so I know she wouldn't deny it if it wasn't true, so it was then that I realised she is not over him. She is very angry at him, and I know hate is a passionate feeling. It would be better if she was indifferent towards her ex, like I am torwards mine. She might not go back to him but I am still heart broken that all this time I have been giving 100%, she has not been 100% with me. I think I am just gona take a few steps back for now. What would you guys suggest is the best course of action from here?
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate everyone of them. She refuses to tell me anything about their relationship, all I know is that he is her first and last bf before me (lost her virginity to him) and that he hurt her. Last night we were both opening up to each other, and I asked her if she could tell me at least just how the relationship ended, no full on specific details or anything of the sort. She said she doesn't want to talk about it, I respected that and then I asked her if she is over him, she refused to answer. She is the kind not to lie, so I know she wouldn't deny it if it wasn't true, so it was then that I realised she is not over him. She is very angry at him, and I know hate is a passionate feeling. It would be better if she was indifferent towards her ex, like I am torwards mine. She might not go back to him but I am still heart broken that all this time I have been giving 100%, she has not been 100% with me. I think I am just gona take a few steps back for now. What would you guys suggest is the best course of action from here? I feel yah...I'd be bummed if my gf wasn't 100% with me. To be honest, I really don't think you should sever your ties with her, but give her some space to figure things out. She may see it as ending it, but let her know that you are concerned about yourself and protecting yourself in the event she decides she wants to go back to her ex. You can reasonably explain why you think this. In the end, you have to protect yourself. You got past your ex, but she may not have. She won't need too much time. 1-2 weeks. Seriously, if she's worth it, give her some time to think and let her know how much time you're giving her. Don't make this indefinite...not fair to you.
heartshaped Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I'm not sure if stepping back and giving her some time would rectify this. It doesn't even sound like she's able to comfortably talk about what happened with her ex. She doesn't seem close to being over him at all. Getting over someone isn't something that you can just force or something that happens overnight either.
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I'm not sure if stepping back and giving her some time would rectify this. It doesn't even sound like she's able to comfortably talk about what happened with her ex. She doesn't seem close to being over him at all. Getting over someone isn't something that you can just force or something that happens overnight either. I agree. Sometimes giving someone some time to think about why she doesn't want to get back with her ex in the light of losing another great person helps. But, ultimately, I am suggesting it to help the OP to start disconnecting....sad, really.
Author Cpt Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Well she said she "wants us to talk" so we will see what this talk is about. Maybe she will finally come clean about how she really feels or she might break up with me. Either way, I am starting to disconnect slowly to protect my heart. She said that she loves me and how i'm the only one for her, after sensing how much she might have hurt me last night. Thanks for all your support, I will keep you updated.
crederer Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Well dude no matter what happens keep your chin up and don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. Share your feelings with your friends if she hurts you, but don't get emotional in front of her and give her that kind of ego stroke.
Author Cpt Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 So we had the talk, and she said she believes that ex's are a thing of the past, no need to talk about them or bring past relationships up. I told her that it still bothers me that she gets upset at the mention of him, like she still has some residual feelings remaining from this relationship. She keeps assuring me that she wants nothing to do with him ever again, and never wants to see him again and as far as I know she has been NC since they broke up. I found out that he cheated on her so it explains a lot of the anger, and she told ne that cheating is a dealbreaker for her no reconciliation whatsoever. I do feel a little better about the situation, but I will still step back a little in terms of emotional investing and see where this goes. I took your advice crederer and made sure to not show her any emotions to stroke her ego. What do you guys think about my plan of seeing where this goes? Am I wasting my time with this or can we make this work?
truth_seeker Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Well dude no matter what happens keep your chin up and don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. Share your feelings with your friends if she hurts you, but don't get emotional in front of her and give her that kind of ego stroke. Very good advice. I get emotional and have done this more than once in the past. She got the ego stroke but it also exposed her for being a loser. So in that regard at least I found out what kind of person she really was - not a good one.
Feeorin Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Im pretty sure you guys can make this work. She has told you there is nothing to worry about, that she wont be getting back with him, that he cheated on her - so whats the problem now? Whats with this ego thing? If we didnt have egos, life would sure be a hell of a lot simplier 1
soccerrprp Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Im pretty sure you guys can make this work. She has told you there is nothing to worry about, that she wont be getting back with him, that he cheated on her - so whats the problem now? Whats with this ego thing? If we didnt have egos, life would sure be a hell of a lot simplier Good point. OP, you had your talk, she had some time to think about it and told you that it was over with her ex. Don't "f" this up b/c of YOUR ego. I would say be a little more guarded and watchful, but letting her know that you like her and how you feel is not about stroking her ego. It's about being honest. You did that. This is workable if YOU don't let YOUR ego in the way.
Woop1337 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) It would have taken a lot self-discipline and self control, but you shouldn't have brought up the ex issue, to begin with. If she was doing a marvelous job at the other aspects of the relationship, that is. Anyway, just tread carefully, keep your eyes and ears open. An ex in the background, regardless if they are talking or not, is baggage in my opinion. You should've done this whole thing with her, in a snail's pace to begin with. You knew she just got out of a relationship. Like I said, if she's doing a great/awesome job being with you. Do your best to give her a pass. But if you feel the whole ex thing is holding her back in some capacity. Then it's time to break up with her. Tell her that it's not working and you need time apart. And in several weeks/months when she got her head together, and you're still single maybe you'll take her out to dinner. Edited October 7, 2013 by Woop1337 1
Author Cpt Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Thanks everyone for your responses. Things have calmed down a little bit, from my end. May I ask why it was a bad idea to bring up the ex issue?
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