Igiveup Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I thought I had paid my dues, I have been heartbroken 5 times prior to this one, so I finally thought I had found someone I can be happy with. I started dating the begginning of January 2004 and he ended our relationship in Agust. Everything seem fine even the same day he broke up with me. He told he just couldn't be with me anymore, I was confused everything was so hard to digest at the time. In less than 2 weeks he got a new g.f and they been together 4 months. He has called me several times because he wanted to mantain a friendship. I haven't answered his calls and I don't plan to ever talk to him again. I don't want to get back with him, but I am just so upset that it seems that every guy that does me wrong (cheating,lying,etc), after we break up they seem to find someone else and be happy. I just finding it so unfair.....Anyways.....life is just so unfair...... I am starting to believe that I am going to end up alone bitter and we several cats......
hurtingandconfused Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 <--------How about a dog; a cute one like mine. Don't worry you'll find that "one."
moon Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I don't know if this is you at all. But five break ups and the same pattern over and over with different guys would be really hard to take. It sounds like maybe you are investing more to the relationship than the guy is. I am the same way I think. Do you feel the guys were really right for you in the beginning? See I think my problem is I'm not finding the right guy at the beginning. But then I let it continue on and on and on. I just picked up a copy of the book "Women who love too Much." Have you heard of this book? My ex had a drinking problem (but called himself a "partier") so I can relate to what a lot of the book says. I think I became very co-dependent---trying to get him to stop, trying to get him to change, trying to get the relationship right. But when we broke up he had another girl waiting for him too--no problem. I am now realizing it's not the girl he needs, but the comfort and co-dependency. Many girls will do. Me demanding that he change made him want to find somebody who'd let him carry on with drinking and the lifestyle of his choice. Shame on me for trying to fix him........but I don't want another one of those relationships so I am reading up and getting therapy. Have any of your exes had more severe problems that you tried to help them with? Are you somehow getting yourself into co-dependent relationships? Because I find (although I have only really had one of them) that those type of relationships, when they are faultering, are the ones where the one with most of the problems will have no problem running off to somebody else, who is going to be a fresh start and a new case for dependency and mommying. Do you see yourself in any of this? If not, then sorry for your broken heart. Better luck next time. All you can tell yourself is that you haven't found the right one yet---but I am sure he's out there. Imagine him thinking about the prospect of you right now. Imagine him out there thinking....I know she's out there I'll find her. That's what I've been doing lately. It makes you believe in hope! Good luck.
citygrrl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Hey guys... Moon, I feel your pain. I bet you are a really nice person that will do just about anything to please your man - and then they run away. Doesn't seem to make sense... I think sometimes by bending over backwards for them, they lose respect for us. We no longer are considered a "catch", because they've caught us - hook, line and sinker. I was in your shoes before, and after years, finally figured out what may have been the cause. By trying to keep a man, I did TOO MUCH for him, which , instead of keeping him, drove him away. And his ego would swell from all of the nice things I did and the constant compliments, all of a sudden he would think he was King Sh*t and think that he could do better. I'm not saying that you need to treat anyone badly. I'm just saying that if you are too nice and do too much, you may lose him. I read a great book called "Why Men Love Bitches". The word "bitch" does not imply the usual definiton of being one. It tells you how to stand up for yourself in a relationship, keep the intrigue going, and avoid letting the other person walk all over you. This is a great book for guys as well. I think sometimes when we are in love, we want to do anything and everything for the other person, but sometimes it backfires. I'm sure though, on the other hand, that there are people out there who would appreciate the effort of a home-cooked candlelight dinner, a back massage, nice cards - the effort of someone always doing the "little things" to show that they care. But in my experience, every time I show the other person how much I care, they hook up with someone else, maybe because they know how I feel and I am no longer a challenge....anyway, the book has helped me gain some insight into how to conduct myself in a relationship so I don't go too overboard.
SpaceCoyote Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I bet you are a really nice person that will do just about anything to please your man - and then they run away. Doesn't seem to make sense... I can honestly say that it goes the same for men and women. A relationship faces long odds if either one of the people likes the other more. I was head over heels for my girlfriend from the day I met her, and made it clear to her all the time how much I liked her. She always thought it was really sweet the way I would do anything for her, but I think as time went on, she got tired of the fact that I liked her way more than she liked me. When she broke up with me a week ago, one of the reasons she gave was that I was way more into it than she was. There wasn't equal motivation on both sides to keep the relationship up. Igiveup: it does sound like you were more heavily invested here and so it was easy for him to walk away from it. Because he knows how much you were into him, there is a comfort there for him and he want to continue to have that comfort through the friendship he asked you for. I guess the answer is find someone who is equally into you. Easier said than done, I know... I wish I had better advice to give but I am in a recovery period right now myself, so very little seems to make sense for me right now too.
Weird Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 sorry to hear about that. I'm sure you'll find a good guy who won't cheat, lie, etc to you and will treat you like the special eprson you are. Us good guys are out there.
tattoomytoe Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 i think trying different approaches to dating is something you should employ. whether it be doing the opposite of what you might "normally" do or accentuating the techniques you currently use. when things seem to fall in a pattered rut for me, i try to change my behaviors to see what comes with the change. i look at it more as an experiment in how my actions affect my life.
citygrrl Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Sorry Coyote - I was not male bashing! I know it must have come across that way... I know there are a lot of really caring men out there that would do wonderful things for their SO. But after all I did for him, my XBF would never do the little things - a card, maybe, or a nice dinner out once in awhile. It wasn't that he couldn't afford it by any means - he just never took the time to do things like that - at least not for me. But I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who have the same thing happen to them over and over again. And whether it's men or women going through this, it all boils down to drawing the line where self-esteem is concerned. If you do so much for the other person and they don't respond the same way, do you continue to do all the extra nice things for them? I continued to, and by doing so I think he realized that I didn't respect myself, so he didn't respect me, either. I used to get calls from him while I was at home and he was out at strip bars, telling me I had 30 minutes to get to his place or he would have a random stripper come over instead. So I would run out of the house, keys in hand. Or in the beginning, he would tell me to be at his place by a certain time (I had keys) or he would go out with someone else. I would then sit in his apt waiting for the bars to close, all alone, until he came in. What was I thinking? I guess I was so afraid of failure, of the relationship not working out, that I went way overboard. I put up with a lot of s**t that i would have never put up with from anyone else. I thought that once he got this all out of his system, things would be better. But they never did get better. He stopped going out as much, but still never really took me anywhere with him. All we ever did was sit in his apt. So it seems that if i had put my foot down from the get-go, maybe things would have been different. All I know is that by going along with his little scenario, I lost my self-respect, so I am assuming that he lost respect for me, too. But in the end, I DID put my foot down, and now he wants me back! However, there WILL be no going back. So all I'm saying is that if you want someone to respect you, then you have to show that you respect yourself. I believe that for all of us, there is someone out there who is kind, considerate, caring and not a game-player. We just have to find that person. And we have to set limits as far as what we are willing to put up with. Because only then will the other person not take us for granted.
SpaceCoyote Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 No offense taken Citygrrl. I agree with what you say - if you are to disrespect yourself for the sake of your SO, then they will absolutely not respect you and the relationship will only turn out badly. Along those lines, both people have to share a similar interest in each other. If one person is only casually interested in being with the other person, and the other person is head over heels, then there is little chance also. That was the situation I found myself in with my ex.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by Igiveup ..Anyways.....life is just so unfair...... I am starting to believe that I am going to end up alone bitter and we several cats...... Yes IGIVEUP, life is not fair and we all have these moments in our lives whey shyt just does not go right and before gettin g better it gets worse. But you will be OK. Now, about the cats. I hope you will not take out your bitterness upon them, snicker snicker.
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