Please help quickly - for tommorow.

[pancakepalace]

Hi guys,

 

I am going to visit my ex-girlfriend who is pregnant for the ecography tommorow. We haven't talk for a month since she left me and went to live with her parents 3 hours away by car.

 

I am a bit nervous for this meeting and wanted some advice on how to behave.

 

At this point, I am pretty much able to control my emotions but fear that when I am there for the ecography with her my emotions might take the best of me.

 

I am planning on being curteous and helpful and not talk about the relationship and stuff like that.

 

This is a long shot, but what do you think I should do if she invites me to talk afterwards?

 

I really don't feel like going to her house because I have no idea what her parents think of me, but I assume they aren't very enthusiatic at me right now. I didn't do anything wrong but her mom is very close to her daughter and is taking her side in this matter.

 

I was think of saying something like this if she does want to talk.

 

'I am not ready to talk at this moment. I need to make some more housekeeping in my emotions and think we should meet after-christmas to discuss about the child. We still have some time since he/she is due at the end of april.'

 

Do you think this is good or should I just talk.

 

I really want her back, but I fear she doesn't. I don't think I could handle a friendly talk about the baby at this point. I would probably be too sad for this. I feel much better now, but still need time to recuperate fully.

 

Do you think if I don't talk she might think I am not interested in her or the baby?

 

I made it very clear to her I love her and want to take care of the baby 200% before she left.

 

I would appreciate all the advice you can give me.

 

Thanks,

pel

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'd play it polite, curteous, and caring. It will be an awkward hesitant dance for you both, I'm sure. You guys are sharing a bond which will keep you in each other's lives for as long as you both live. There's plenty of time for talking. Tomorrow, I'd play it by ear and see how it goes. Just try to treat her like you would any friend you cared about. If she wants to have an indepth conversation - then you seem to have the right idea there about putting off any heavy emotions. I think if you are crystal clear and honest about why you can't talk about it right now, then hopefully she won't misinterpret it in thinking you don't care about the baby. That will also give you an opportunity to make it clear to her how you feel. Having a child is a huge emotional milestone: for both of you.

[Stone]

I am pregnant now and I will tell you that emotions are CRAZY so just be careful what you say if you say something wrong you won't be forgiven for quite some time.

 

The only advice I can give you is to tell her you WILL BE A GOOD FATHER and you will be supportive of her as well, kind of leave it at that. Tell her that the last thing you want to do to her and the baby is stress her out, so you will not argue with her at this time. Give her control and make yourself extreamly supportive and loving. Don't fight with her, if she is anything like prego me she will cry over anything so you must understand when she does. If her mother is there respect the mother to. Why don't you bring them both flowers and give her some type of (I support you) card you will not believe the cards Halmark now makes for all diffrent situations. It's a nice touch and if they regect them or you they can feel like the jerks. Plus she will have somthing to bring home to remind her of how supportive you are. Ask her if she needs anything, help buying maternity clothes ect....

 

Believe me I am pregnant right now and me and my b/f are on the rocks big time the only thing I want from him is some support. Please let me know how it goes you will be in my thoughts

[pancakepalace]

Thanks for your quick replies,

 

About the flowers and the card, I think this is too much right now. This is our first meeting since the breakup and I don't want to seem like a wuss and begging her back. She was very bad with me when she broke it off and wouldn't talk or give me explanation as to why she was leaving. She was insulting me left and right for the pettiest of things even though I was doing everything in my power to help. And like I said, she knows I will be there 200% for her and the baby. She willingly (I assume) scheduled her appointement on one of my few days of work so the trip is going to cost me 200$. 100$ for bus and 100% for a loss work day. She also left me with her appartement on a very short notice so I had to spent a huge amounts on rent.

 

I think I'll follow LucreziaBorgia advice pretty much to the letter and wait for christmas to send her a card that I'll make myself. I like handmade gifts. I'll keep this card simple and not touchy feely. Just a happychristmas to you and your family and happy birthday. Christmas is sort of a blessing since I'll see if she sends me a card or not. Plus, my birthday falls about 3 weeks after christmas so if she didn't send me a card for christmas because she was thinking I wouldn't she will have a chance to send one for my birthday. I'll be able to see how much she cares if I do or don't receive cards.

 

I'll tell you guys what happened after the trip.

 

Thanks again,

pel

[Stone]

Why did she leave you? Did she know she was pregnant when she left?

[pancakepalace]

Hi stone,

 

Here is my story I posted awhile back on this site: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50056/

 

She didn't give me a definite answer as to why she was leaving me but I have given my hypothesis in the thread above.

 

She knew she was pregnant. It was her idea to have unprotected sex and her idea that I move in with her at the start of september. I take full responsibility of my actions of course. I moved in the 4th and by the 15th she had her mind made up and stopped talking to me. Her parents welcomed her home without saying anything. Without telling her to try at least to talk. This is weired because they really seemed to like me.

 

I feel somewhat cheated because when we agreed to keep the baby around the end of august this meant a certain commitement. She didn't even give me a single chance to explain my conduct and refused to talk.

 

Is this some kind of single mother fantasy?

 

Thanks,

pel

I

[Stone]

HAHA I am a single mother (kinda) and there is NO Fantasy about it what so ever.... she will kick her self in the rear later.

[blind_otter]

Hmmm.

 

I'm pregnant.

 

I mean, I can totally hear my baby's father saying that I was just this crazy b*tch that pushed him away. Which makes me infuriated. I guess I am probably the last person you'd want to hear from.

 

My baby's father, acted like a total ass when he found out I was pregnant. He didn't really do anything overt - he just sorta disappeared. Then he came back, then he left, then he came back....he was "slightly anxious" - you vaguely allude to some kind of mysterious "not being there 200%" kind of attitude.

 

There is no such thing as a single mother fantasy. Any pregnant woman will tell you - the first trimester sucks. Sucks big hairy balls. You feel like sh*t and your emotions are all over the place. You spend your time worrying about everything.

 

And how do you explain your conduct? My baby's father talks about how he's stressed out, worried, and I say - deal with it. Be a man. I am the one doing all the work - you're doing NOTHING right now. Your role is to be supportive of the woman. That's it - you're not growing a baby inside of you. THAT is the most stressful thing, in my opinion.

 

At this point, I don't argue with my baby's father anymore. If he acts like an ass, or says something stupid, I just stop talking to him. I am exhausted and I don't need to deal with his bullsh*t on top of all the crap that I have to take care of, by myself.

 

Anyways, kudos to you for going to the appointment. But I have a feeling you are leaving a whole lot out of your story. Because you sound like my ex-BF, in many ways. I've heard him whining to his friends about how hard it is to be around a pregnant woman, how "hard" this is on him. And I think that's a pantsfull. How is it hard on the guy? Seriously, maybe I need to hear this for my own edification.

[pancakepalace]

Hi guys,

 

Before replying to blind otters post, let me recape my visit with my ex for the ecography.

 

Well, Thing didn't go has planned. I screwed up pretty bad I think. I went over to Québec and when I got there her sister was there with her. My ex was very nice and calm. We went to the ecography and had to wait for like 1 hour before we got in. I talked to both of them and things were good. I told my ex I wanted to be there for her and the baby and asked how I could do this. She told me she didn't want me to come for the other visits, but that I could buy things for the baby etc.. I asked her when and she said that when she would have money. I then said I had some on me. She said, ok lets go after the ecography.

 

The ecography was great, got to see the baby and it turns out 95% chance it's a girl. I am very happy with this. The baby is healthy.

 

When we left I asked her if we could grab a coffee and talk. So we went for the coffee. This is were I screwed up. Thing that pisses me off is that I knew exactly what do to and screwed it up. I should of just went shopping and had fun. We started talking I and explained how I had been stressed out and wondering how I could help her best. Then I said 'because she never wanted to talk about it' that I was thinking maybye we could seek help. Like mediation. The know our rights and stuff like that. And that we could do it together. At this point, she completely freaked out and got up and left. I followed her and said wait we need to talk I just am proposing different ideas but am willing to talk about anything. She didn't believe me. Just thought I wanted a lawyer and bring her to court. This is not at all what I meant. She didn't want to drive me to the bus station, but finally said ok. She was really mad. Basically, I broke down and cried and try to explain it was a missunderstanding. Near the end, she understood that I just wanted to break the ice and have a plan to what would happen with the child. So I left and took the 3 hour bus ride back. I called her when I came in because I felt bad we left on bad terms. I told her it was a missunderstanding and felt really bad about it. I said I wanted us to be on good terms, friends. She pointed out that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be friends and that she was now thinking of trying to stop me from seeing my kid as much as we had talked about the last month.

 

Don't laugh, I screwed up bad. It is so hard because at the slightest misstep she jumps all over me and refuses to talk it out. She decides everything about the baby without consulting me. It has been like that since day one, when things between us were good. She made all the arrangements for the colors and decorations for the baby room without consulting me. She also decided about finding out the sex of the baby at the ecography and not wait without consulting me. She never bothered to know how I felt. I am really scared now and don't know what to do. When we talk she sets the limits and if I don't agree or just try to point out my point of view she freaks and says I am egocentric and that I just care about myself and that this stresses her and is not good for the baby.

 

I plan on calling her next week and just say listen 'I am there for you and the kid as much as possible. I'll do whatever you want during the pregnancy. If you don't want to talk it's ok. We can deal with all the rest afterwards' Basically just put the ball in her court and show her I don't intend to do anything like courts or the like. I never intended to do anything without her approval.

 

Everytime I try to talk it ends up in some misconception (no pun intended).

 

---

to reply to blind otter,

 

I hear what you are saying and agree with most of it. I think every situation is different so I can't really compare mine to yours but can only tell you my side of it.

 

The thing that was hard for me is that my girl never wanted to talk and also that we didn't know each other very well.

 

We went out for 3 months prior to finding out she was pregnant. This were the best 3 months of my life and so when she told me the news, I was happy and wanted to keep the child. This was on a thursday morning. She was really happy and basically told the news to her parents that night (without me knowing it). The next morning her parents came over from Québec (3 hours away) and brought gifts and stuff for the baby. This made me feel kind of trapped. It was too fast for me. I moved in with her two weeks later. It was her idea, but I was happy. At this point, she was completely into the whole thing and started making all kinds of decisions for the futur without ever asking me my advice. She would talk with her mother and friends. I started to feel very awkward. As if I was suddenly trapped in a situation I had no control over. It was her idea to have unprotected sex too, although I take full responsibility for doing it. She had told me there was no chance of her getting pregnant, although I was worried I agreed. So I guess I pulled away at this point and she felt it. She stopped talking to me all together then. This was 2 weeks after I had moved in. On many occasions I tried to talk with her, but she refused. 2 weeks later, she annonced she was leaving to go leave to her parents place in Québec and that she already had dropped her jobs. I panicked and tried to figure out what was happening. I ask her to talk, but she didn't want to. Now she is gone and doesn't want to talk because she says it stresses the baby and that it is very dangerous. I know I am not dreaming about the no-talk part because her sister told me she knew that my girl never talked about anything with me.

 

So the reason that it is hard for me is because I don't know what to do to take care of her. I was taking care of the house and paying for everything when we were together. I think she got scared because we didn't know each other very well and she realized she was with a strange of sorts. It is really hard also because I want to be there for her and the kid, but she refuses to talk. This was our first fight and we never talked about the problems wathsoever. I want to take care of her. I want to be there for the baby. I never talked about leaving either of them. My hearth was at the right place, but I didn't have the knowledge to properly take care of her.

 

I agree with you it must be much harder for the female. This, however, doesn't mean it is easy for the guy. If I knew exactly what she needs I would give it to her. I think talking it out is important.

 

Now, I understand she doesn't love me and I know I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me. So, unless things change drastically, I have put an x on getting back together. I plan on moving to her new city soon enough and hope she lets me see the baby once in awhile. I have money to pay for everything she needs and will buy diapers and clothes etc...

 

About the single mother fantasy. I don't know anymore. I know that if she would of wanted to talk I would have been there for her exactly how she needed. She just said she gave me hints and that I didn't pick up on them. I am totally open about the situation and want the baby.

 

If I knew how to go about it, I would. I think all is lost now.

[Devildog]

Not sure how to break this to you pancake, but unless Canada is drastically different regarding child custody issues, you don't have much hope of anything. She doesn't have to put your name on the birth certificate. And if she doesn't you would have to request and pay for a paternity test to be recognized as the child's father. I know that wouldn't be cheap. At that point then you would have to petition the courts to get joint custody to be able to spend any time with your child.

 

On the bright side the only thing making you pay any kind of support for the child is your honor and integrity and your desire to be an upstanding man. If you can get past that at least you won't have to pay for not having your child in your life.

[pancakepalace]

The laws are bit different here on that regard.

 

Basically, the man as to go and put his name on the certificate within 30 days of the birth. If he does this he is ok. She can then contest this and as to pay for the paternaty test. I'm lucky also to be in the proving of Canada where the laws are the most favorable for the father. We will see what happens. I hope I have a chance to bring up this little girl as much as she does. Whatever happense, at least I will know in my hearth I have tried and that she will be the one who as put up the barriers against me being the father. Hopefully, she will name the baby with me.

 

Thanks guys,

pel

[Devildog]

Then I wish you the best of luck in all of this. Children are such a joy.

 

But if you are going to be a part of your child's life I suggest you do whatever it takes to work things out with the mother so you can atleast be civil to each other. It doesn't do the child any good to have the parents fighting and bad-mouthing each other. It isn't fair to the child to put them in a situation like that.

[pancakepalace]

That is exactly what I want Devildog. If I only knew about how to achieve that. I never get mad at her and am not the fighter type. I try to listen, express my opinions, and talk it out. At this point, she is really mad at me and It is really hard not to make it so that she is angry. Especially, because she never tells me why she is mad.

 

I have to learn to read in between the lines I guess. It would be so easier if I knew her more and we already had fights beforehand. Now I don't know if it is her speaking or the pregnant her. Both I guess.

[Devildog]

Could be the pregnancy. Women go a bit crazy when they get hormonally charged. Kind of like PMS for 9 months straight. They make no sense.

 

Could also be other factors, but I can only suggest being non-confrontational throughout the whole situation and seeing if things calm down a bit after the baby is born. She might have been scared and that is what made her run back home.

 

After words you get to deal with post partum depression and whatever other excuse women make up to try to justify their violent mode swings and general unreasonableness

[blind_otter]

I recommend you read some books about pregnancy. There are a lot out there for expecting dads and they have advice about how to handle a pregnant woman, basically.

 

You're probably trying to approach the situation calmly, but you're probably also trying to reason with her or talk to her as if she thinks like a man. I may be making assumptions, but most people don't fly off the handle unless they get offended or upset. My ex-BF was like this. He doesn't know HOW to communicate well. Effective communication is a learned behavior, not something inherent.

 

Most of the time, you're miserable when you're pregnant. It's a time of a lot of worries and concerns, and heck, there's only two ways that baby's getting out!

 

talked to a lawyer friend, he said my best bet is to cultivate and amicable relationship with the father because he can royally f*ck with my life and my child's life. So, vice versa.

[pancakepalace]

Thanks for the advice Blind Otter,

 

I don't plan on ****ing anyones life, but I feel I should have a right as dad.

 

Maybye I haven't been the best at communicating. Who knows. This is extremley difficult in any situation let alone with someone living with something so big as a pregnancy. Of course, I know that we can always learn more about communication.

 

Thing is, she won't talk at all. Just getting a conversation going is nearly impossible. And if we do, I am labelled the bad guy and at the first false step (what she perceives as a fault step) she gets really mad and attacks me.

 

I think it will take awfully long before I can calm her down, if this happens at all.

 

Thanks for your help, I'll check out some books.

 

pel

[ziggue]

Do you know 100% that the baby is yours? Maybe she is acting this way because she isn't sure.

 

If I were you I would check that all out. Just to be certain that the baby is yours. Maybe that is the reason why

 

she won't talk to you. She feels too ashamed to admit the truth.

 

If it is another reason I am guessing agreeing with other posts hormones.

[pancakepalace]

Well, I tried to get back to her by phone, but to no avail.

 

I talked to her sister yesterday and she told me to call back later because she was at work. Then I talked to her step-dad who told me to call back the next day. I called today and her mom picked up the phone and told me that my ex didn't want to talk to me and that she would get back to me whenever. 1 week 1 month who knows. Her mom was mad at me because she said I called all the time. This is absurd since I only talked with her two times since she moved there last month. I did NC for a month then returned her call to set up the doctor's visit. I went over there and she got upset at me. I called her back that night when I got back to Montreal. Then I tried this weekend, but her family was telling me to call back at other times so I did. Now it seems I am a stalker?!

 

It seems she and her family is 'against' me now. I was planning on moving over there soon, but have now changed my mind. I will lay low for the rest of the pregnancy (5 months). I won't call her anymore. Maybye just sent a christmas card to the family. When the baby is born I'll talk with her and figure out things from there. So I have 5 months to wait and let things cool down a bit.

 

I have yet to decide if I will fight for the baby or not. I really want to take care of the child 100%, but don't want to fight with the mother anymore. She is unreasonable. If I can get shared custody I will move over there, if not I guess I'll be living far aways. I know nothing of Québec city and personnaly prefer Montréal where all my friends are.

 

I dug my own grave I guess. Going out with such a selfish person and agreeing to have unprotected sex. I am usually very smart in life, but this is a mistake whicih will cost me dearly. Guess I have to move on.

 

Wonder if she will let me have a say in the child's name?

 

Guess at some point I will have to decide if going with the law is a good thing. Guess I should figure out my rights now before it is too late.

 

I have to be a man now, but what does that mean?

 

Thanks guys,

pel