nat1838 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We really didn't date for that long, but I really felt like there was something there. I had feelings about him that I have never had with anyone else. Not just plain love, but this is who I want to spend my life with kind of love. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. We fell really hard for each other. He fell for me a long time before I ever knew he had feelings for me, even before he and his ex broke up. After he told me, I realized that I had always had the same feelings for him too I just never realized it, because I always thought he was too young. A few weeks ago he left me. He said it was due to a few reasons. First, he had been not too long out of long relationship and he felt like he jumped into things before he was ready. Secondly, he is still in college and doesn't have really have any money and that can be a really hard thing when you are dating someone. A lot of times I would pay for dinner or things like that and that always made him feel bad. He is a really "traditional guy" and that was hard for him to deal with. Third, he is in a really tough part of his life where he has all these decisions to make about his life. I completely understand all of these things, and we have talked about all of this and I know he isn't lying to me about why he left. I have this unbearable pain I can't let go of. I have never hurt like this before. I know in my heart now is not the time for us to be together with all that is going on with him, but I just wish I knew he would come back to me. I know I should go NC with him, but we work together. He'll be leaving for another job soon and I am so terrified that I will lose him forever. We are still good friends and I care so much about what happens to him in life. It just hurts so bad. He said that he will still call me from time to time after he is gone, but who knows. I asked him last night if he could honestly tell me all of the feelings he had for me are gone and he said "Not completely". I asked him how he could feel so strongly about me and those feelings just be gone now, and he said that he didn't know, he didn't understand it either, but he said when he started realizing all of those things that he broke up with me for the feelings just started to fade. He also told me he felt like it was the right thing just bad timing. When I talked to him last night, I was really upset. He knows that for both of us, if we are upset it always helps to "relieve some tension". Which was always our code for sex. So we had phone sex. I actually felt a little better. Well, when we got to work this morning, I did something crazy. I made him a proposition. I told him that I knew he still wanted to sexual stuff and undoubtedly I do too. I told him that as long as he still treated me as a friend and didn't lose respect for me, and still remember the kind of person I really am that all of that could continue. He said it was a deal. Well first chance we had we were all over each other. Kissing and stuff. I even gave him a BJ on our lunch break. I don't know why I am doing this. I don't know if it is because it makes me feel a little better, if it makes me feel like I haven't completely lost him, or maybe if he has that I won't completely lose him when he takes this new job. I don't know. In my head I know this is wrong. That I may just be prolonging the hurt. My heart on the other hand still feels like we on the verge of the most wonderful relationship either of us had ever had, and I need to do everything I can to keep him in my life so that we don't lose all hope of being happy together one day. I want him to come back to me one day so bad. Does anyone think that he may? What should I do about this sex stuff? Is it hurting anything? Even though it helps me to feel better. Someone please help...... I swear I feel like I am dying, it all hurts so bad.
blind_otter Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 To be brutally honest - There is no more relationship, yet you are making yourself sexually available. How can this make you feel better? I've done this myself, to be honest, and not only did the guy lose respect for me, I lost respect for myself. I was young, so I blame it on being inexperienced with relationships - but to be honest, it was more that I was afraid to be alone, and I basically grovelled to have any connection with him whatsoever. It was, in retrospect, a pitiful chapter in my life. In the end you choose to do what you choose to do. Losing respect for yourself doesn't happen quickly. It degrades over time. As you keep engaging in meaningless sexual activity with someone who chose to end their relationship with you... How can he be such a great guy when he broke up with you, and now has agreed to keep f*cking - but without any of the constraints of committment in a relationship? Being a f*ck buddy cannot happen with an ex. You end up habitually doing all the things people do in relationships, but it's all hollow and empty because there's no real desire to be in a relationship anymore. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh to you - but I've been desperate and lonely before. It's better to bite the bullet, cut off contact, and learn to be strong by yourself. I learned the hard way. I wish everyone didn't have to learn the hard way...but most people end up pounding their head on a brick wall and hurting themselves repeatedly before they figure it out.
Puma Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 i agree with the last poster..you have to end the sexual acts or he will get used to that and he has it good. he has the sexual stuff without any committment..hes in heaven in his view! put a stop to that..i rec you back off from him and try no contact see what happens..if nothin happens over a few weeks then jsut email him to say hi but thats it. be strong and u can do it..confidence is sexy in a person
Author nat1838 Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 After reading the replies and a little soul searching, I know the most important thing to to me is that if I do lose him forever and never speak to him again, I want him to think back on me one day and think, "Yeah I remember her, she was a really great girl I dated for a little while. She was one of the good ones." Not "Yeah I remember her, she was a good piece of a**". I can't bear to think that is all he would remember me for, it really hurts to think that. I also realized that the electricity there always was when we kissed was gone today. Except for one time. At one point he kissed me gently on the forehead, and I felt it then. It was like that little bit of feeling he has left for me was in that one kiss and it made me smile. As for the others, it just made me feel empty inside. I didn't like that, and that isn't what I want to remember about him. I want to remember him as the sweet little guy who was the first guy who ever made me feel special. The first guy who ever showed me respect. I think I need to talk to him and explain to him what I said about how I want him to remember me. Tell him that its best if we don't do the sexual stuff. I still need advice as to how to handle getting over him, and now maybe some advice on how to break it to him that I don't want the sex anymore either...... Thanks for the posts, you don't know how much I appreciate them.......
Puma Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 jsut be hoenst with him..girls beat aroudn the bush to much dammit! haha..thats what gets us guys confused..just tell him how it is and whats on ur mind..and it wil be hard getin over him as one mth has passed since my gf left me and im still day to day hurtin..but with time it will get easier i hope..if not then damn, im screwed
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