youaremysunshine Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 So I'm in the very early stages of a relationship with a very sweet guy. We're old friends and grew up near each other so I am pretty familiar with his family. He still lives at home. I don't fault him that because he is finishing his phd. He works full time in his field and pays his parents a bit each month. Years ago he told me he is will not move out until he is married but more recently he was toying with moving in with his best friend. He is an only child. He he just ADORES his parents though! he talks about them all the time, even getting a little misty eyed when he's been drinking! I repeat, he is very nearly moved to tears when talking about his mother and father. They call him all the time and he calls them too, even when he's right around the corner. He is always running errands, doing their shopping or helping around the house. He painted a portrait of his father and its hanging in the dining room, I'm not kidding. I quick google search of his name reveals that his is the editor of his fathers memoirs. He fusses excessively about their well being and health, to the extent I can tell it bothers them. He also worries frequently that they are going to break up, but they seem as happy and close as can be. Although he is clearly their little star, I can tell they want some space from him! He also dotes on me like a child and can be over the top fussy when it comes to making sure I am comfortable, safe and fed especially. He is a very warm and giving person but it comes off as too cutesy sometimes. He also seems to require an unusual amount of non-sexual touching, holding and eye contact. It's all very odd to me, but I'm trying to make sense of it. He grew up in the former Yugoslavia in a time when there was a lot of unrest... He wasn't even allowed to leave the house! I'm guessing that caused him to worry a lot about something bad happening to his parents and made them more or less the centre of his universe. He has used the words "seperation anxeity" about himself in the past, so I think he knows he has issues. I think he could probably benefit from therapy, but I don't want to insult him by suggesting it. Also, last night he asked me very gravely if I want kids and I said yes very much with the right person at the right time. At that point he started going on about how he loves children and he can't wait to have a family and he's going to be the best father and provider Honestly I love that he values family, it's a rare quality. I'm also close with my family and consider myself to be a pretty nurturing person. I'm just concern that this is a sign of some deeper issues?
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Perhaps the secondary issue is is the moving too fast? It's been a month and he's already asking about weather I want kids, making me spend lots of time with his parents and trying to impress mine (they think he tries too hard) It sounds like this this fussy, clingy behaviour has driven away every woman he has ever been involed with.
veggirl Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Eww I wouldn't even bother with a mama's boy (well he's a daddy's boy too). I'm very close to my family, adore them! I have cut the cord though, which this guy obviously hasn't. There is close to your fam (a good thing) and then there is......this. How old is this guy who won't move out til he is married? Ask him why his past relationships ended!
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 He's 27!!!! Apearently staying at home until marriage is very common in serbia/ former yugo. He has been talking about moving to the nearby city where we both work. He's a hard worker, very tidy, does his own laundry and cooking, careful with his money but I don't think he could handle being away from them. As far as he's concered his few past GFs were "cold" or weren't ready to be in a real committed relationship. I have heard through the small town grapevine though that they thought he was clingy. I've talked to him about how he can make me uncomfortable and he acknowledges that he is clingy and appreciates me being patient and setting boundaries. As for why I am bothering with him, my last boyfriend was mean as hell and didn't need nothing or no one. Not his family, not me. Like all the "bad boy" types I date. He's considerate, attentive, the singer in a kick ass rock band, a good damn scientist and not afraid of commitment, I mean on a lot of accounts he's really a catch!
heartshaped Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 From the sounds of it, I think your boyfriend is just a clingy person in general. It doesn't seem to be contained to only his parents, but it seems to spread to you and I would guess his friends as well. Some people are just clingy and overly affectionate, I'm afraid. I'm not sure if it's exactly an "issue" that one would seek therapy for, but it is trying on a person.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 His astrological sign is cancer! I'm an Aquarius Yup, some people are just clingy and I gues I'm going to have to try to negotiate that if I want to date him. I think it is an issue though because fretting about the well being of his parents seems to cause him a great deal of actual anxiety.
Author youaremysunshine Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 ugh of course I dread the thought of my parents dieing but I just try not to think about it. He seems excessively preoccupied with it, to the point that annoys them! god forbid anything ever happens to his he mum, he is going to be the next norman bates!
coolheadal Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Listen you have a nice passive guy on your hands there. But your prior boy friend was not so nice more aggressive. So you really have to think about all of this. I don't see anything wrong with this guy. So what if he's loves him parents and do anything for them. This is how it should be but there are so many out there that don't care to even pick-up the phone to call their parents or take care of them or even yet go and see them in a nursing home. They guy will take care and love you. Even marry you one day yes wait for that and when your both ready. You need to tell him this and don't just brush it aside. Kids topic also. I think your very lucky to have this sort of guy. His past life and growing up in another country family ways might be a concern to you when it comes to family loyalty. You will not be use to that way of life, but you could learn. I am glad he knows how to cook, clean and keep financial records balanced. I say give this guy a chance, but you need to lay down what you want and see if he's 100% on the same track as you. You got to tell him! Don't worry about his prior relationships that's those are ended and gone! You have to think in THE NOW! It's you two! No one else. If clings too much tell him right then, don't hold back, this must be said. Whatever you don't like about what he's doing STOP and say what he did! You sound like your intent is to be with him also, but you two will be okay. Just have to work together and make this relationship 50/50. Learn more about each other ways, habits an etc. Love making and non-touching will smooth out. Guys like him just making sure some save themselves for the right women because that's how his parent raised him. Just go with the flow and you two will be great, but if anything troubling you talk him about it. Right now he's your best bet!
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