seekingwisdom Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 If any of you have the time, could you please read my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=357451#post357451 and tell me what you think. I'm a mess about this and it's really got me in a daze. Thank you kindly in advance.
Owl Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Well...I've been on the other side of this type of situation...my wife had an online affair with somone about 7 months ago. Interesting for me to see the parallels in your situation and hers. My recommendation is to walk away. He's made it clear to you that he's working on rebuilding his marriage, and bluntly, he can't do that if you're in the picture...in any way shape fashion or form. It took about a month and a half of my insistence before my wife and her OM finally broke off all contact...and it wasn't until then until I could begin to trust again. If you care about this guy, then you need to get clear of him, and let him try to rebuild the damage he's done to his marriage. His wife may well have all the problems he told you about...or she may well have not. You'd be amazed how much somone will rationalize what they're doing by making the spouse out as some kind of devil. Get focused on something totally new. Not the same sport, don't go looking for someone new. Find a new hobby or something that you've always wanted to try, and work on getting past your desire for what you had. You can't have it now.
Author seekingwisdom Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 Thank you for your perspective. My initial instinct proved right, in that being 'friends' would never work out. At least not for me. He would have been quite happy to have me around indefinitley for him to confide in and ask advice of and, when he was mad at his partner or lonely, direct all of his feelings of 'love' towards. But I wouldn't be getting my reals needs met as I'd still be emotionally tied to him. As far as the sport is concerned, perhaps there was confusion. He lives two hours away, so is not my regular coach. There is the possibility that in the future our paths will cross, as we attend similar events. But I will not leave a sport that I dearly love for the sake of someone else. I hope you were not implying that? or saying it only in the context that he was my everyday coach.
gypsycat Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 I agree don't send the letter and walk away, and even if he comes back then I wouldn't take him back too willingly either in any capacity. You were justifiably hurt that he didn't see that it was unfair not to allow you to express your feelings, I'm not sure he did that intentionally, rather is just self absorbed. What I wanted to help you with is your ongoing involvement in this sport that you share. I met and got involved with a MM via a shared interest that had an active online community. I won't go into the details, suffice to say it ended in a terrible mess and I was a mess for a long time....and then I was left with do I leave that community because if I don't I'm going to have to see him there every day, and there was no way I was going to give up that interest. As it ended up, I see him there every day, I have no feelings for him 9 months down the track whatsoever (it's been tough), occasionally we trade quips but generally we coexist in the community and ignore the fact that the other exists. It works in the long run, it was tough going but I am pleased I didn't give up my interest. Best of luck to you. I empathize. One last comment, you showed enormous strength to resist progressing a relationship after you two met up for real. You may regret it, but given where this ended up it could have been much more painful for you had you got more involved. I wish I had done the same, it made for a very painful experience for me.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Get your closure, you need it and let go. It will be hard as hell but you need to do this for you. You can't mend a broken heart if you're still talking with the person who broke it in the first place. See a therapist if you need to, keep busy, pamper yourself, surround yourself with friends and stay in touch with your family and see them as much as you can too. Then in time, you can look back and remember him with fond memories, but I agree with Owl, he wants to work things out with his wife he can't do that if he's still romancing with you. Not fair to you, him or his wife. I know that probably hurts hearing but know it's nothing YOU did. Don't beat up on yourself, you're a good person and will find someone who is better suited for you.
Author seekingwisdom Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR RESPONDING TO MY POST IN SUCH A WAY!
Author seekingwisdom Posted December 2, 2004 Author Posted December 2, 2004 Sorry, hit enter before I finished! Gypsycat: Thanks for your support as you have obviously been here. I was proud of myself for not progressing the relationship too! I WILL NOT cower and give up my sport out of fear of running into him in person or online. It's silly and I KNOW he would not want that either. It is hugely unfortunate, however, as himself and his colleagues are the best at what we do in our areas! So I have missed out on some huge training opportunities. Such is life. Perhaps there will be a day when we can pass without having these feelings. Regardless, your post made me feel stronger and happier, rather than the weak, hollow mess I've been the past week. Thank you for that! I have been in shell shock, mostly because of the stress and rollercoaster of the past few months, and my poor daughters have had a zombie mom. Which way is up: Again, thanks so much for your words. I wondered at what you meant when you said "Get your closure, you need it, and let go". Could you explain that a bit for me? A final question for you all, I'd be willing to bet that if his marriage falls into crisis again, he'll be back. How should I handle that? He said that if he did become single, he'd be straight over to my house. If he did seperate for several months without any contact with me and then came into my life, what then? Should I not trust? Thanks again you all. You have no idea how much you've held my head above water, emotionally! :0)
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Which way is up: Again, thanks so much for your words. I wondered at what you meant when you said "Get your closure, you need it, and let go". Could you explain that a bit for me? Yup. No problem. What I mean is, to move on and feel better without him, to heal yourself from the pain, you need closure. (Or you may not, I don't know) But for me, I know I would need closure. To know that I did mean something at one time to that person and even though it's over, to just have that last conversation, that goodbye. I can't remember, maybe you did that already?? I should go back and reread your past posts. That is what I meant with letting go...Getting him out of your system. I hope this helps abit more, if not, ask me again! LOL! WWIU
gypsycat Posted December 5, 2004 Posted December 5, 2004 Originally posted by seekingwisdom Gypsycat: Thanks for your support as you have obviously been here. I was proud of myself for not progressing the relationship too! I WILL NOT cower and give up my sport out of fear of running into him in person or online. It's silly and I KNOW he would not want that either. It is hugely unfortunate, however, as himself and his colleagues are the best at what we do in our areas! So I have missed out on some huge training opportunities. Such is life. Perhaps there will be a day when we can pass without having these feelings. Regardless, your post made me feel stronger and happier, rather than the weak, hollow mess I've been the past week. Thank you for that! I have been in shell shock, mostly because of the stress and rollercoaster of the past few months, and my poor daughters have had a zombie mom. :0) Took me a couple of days to get back here. I'm glad what I had to say helped. It was Loveshack that got me through my own crisis and gave me some perspective, so I'm pleased I could return the favor. It's a rough road but I'm not sure there is an alternative. I'm 9 months down the track and fine, stuff that really bothered me in February has passed me by. In fact I just went back and read my first post when I was in the middle of my own crisis and I am quite a different person these days, pretty much my old self, although I paid a high price. There's hope, I think based on my own experience you will be able to pass each other without having these feelings. Admittedly, my memories now are not fond ones, rather of seeing I was manipulated but nonetheless so glad to be on this side of it.
gypsycat Posted December 5, 2004 Posted December 5, 2004 Originally posted by seekingwisdom \A final question for you all, I'd be willing to bet that if his marriage falls into crisis again, he'll be back. How should I handle that? He said that if he did become single, he'd be straight over to my house. If he did seperate for several months without any contact with me and then came into my life, what then? Should I not trust? Thanks again you all. You have no idea how much you've held my head above water, emotionally! :0) I realized I forgot to address this question. Should you trust him? Absolutely under no circumstances should you trust him. He may be totally sincere if he returns but how do you know that he is not going to take the path of least resistance next time it arises. My advice is tell yourself now there is no future relationship under any circumstances and then you won't live with that faint hope. If you don't take that extreme, promise yourself and you owe this to yourself to take things very very very slowly with him if he returns.
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