mij Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I've been in a serious relationship for 8 months now. we are both going through a divorce. mine has been easy. his has been not so easy. neither one of us have kids, he does have a step daughter from his soon to be ex wife. the step daughter has a son, so my BF has a step grandson who is 8. we cannot official 'live' together yet because of the difficulties in his divorce, but I'm there everyday and sleep there everyday and 90% of my belongings are at his house. I maintain an apartment till my lease is up and for the physical address. when his grandson comes over, I have to leave the house. the step daughter hates me - she doesn't know me, but in her eyes I'm the one who broke up her moms marriage - I get it. easier to blame someone else you don't know. my BF feels that until the divorce is settled, I can't be around the grandson because it will cause further issues. I get that too. anyways, leaving the house involves me hiding my obvious belongings, and either going back to my apartment, or staying at a nearby hotel. my apartment consists of an old love seat, a table, and a mattress on the floor - because we've moved what I have into his house. it's a depressing place and I hate being there. I want him to see his grandson, but it hurts me to be 'banished' from the home we share. I'm trying hard to be the adult, but when I'm sitting alone, trying to figure out what I'll eat for dinner or getting a stash of supplies to get me through the time away, I'm left feeling hurt and alone. he's texting me about how they are out having a nice dinner then off to a movie and here I am sitting alone in an empty apartment. I try to get together with friends but sometimes the short notice doesn't allow for plans to happen, but even when they do, I still go home to a hotel or empty apartment and feel very hurt. I know I shouldn't, but I do. of course then I start to worry about what happens after the divorce is final. I don't know if the step daughter will have a change of heart. then what? he has to choose between the grandson sleeping over or me? i don't want that either. but I don't believe she would not let him see him, or spend time with him, he just wouldn't be allowed to spend the night. she has been very good about that part and keeping her son in his life. she has a fiancé and they live together so it's not like there is no father figure. so this made me start turning my hurt towards my BF more because I wonder if he's being a bit selfish. does the grandson HAVE to sleep over if it means the woman you love has to leave the home and he knows it hurts me? and he knows I hate being at the apartment and alone. he's got his buddy with him, I'm alone. am I just being a spoiled brat? is it wrong for me to think the grandson doesn't need to spend the night as long as they are spending time together? at least till the divorce gets done and we can maybe work it out with the daughter?
Got it Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 In all honesty I would have put off moving in together or this dynamic was necessary. At this point, since you live there, he needs to stand by that and he can see his grandson at her house or out of the house. I would never hide my things and move out to make this happen. If I live somewhere I live there. That just wouldn't work for me. 1
salparadise Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 (edited) I agree that you shouldn't be subjected to this drama. Realize that it's already tough for him. He's being forced (by the step-daughter) to make a huge compromise to achieve equilibrium, however, the path of least resistance is taking precedence over getting his priorities straight. Even though he may genuinely love this child, it's not actually HIS grandchild, nor is the mother his daughter. You are his partner though––which should mean that you are primary. You need to be assertive without being argumentative or creating drama. I have no idea how much resistance you'll get from bf, but be prepared. Just tell him in a calm, easy tone, at a time when things are smooth, that this situation isn't working for you and needs to change. He'll be taken aback since he's used to you being the soft spot in the dynamic that absorbs the step-daughter's aggression. He'll ask what you mean. Just say that this is your home as well and you will not be camping out in an empty apartment to accommodate the step-daughter. Then be calm and quiet and let him process it. Don't offer solutions. He basically has two choices. Make the compromise elsewhere or tell you, no it's not your home. If he chooses the latter... well, that's not the answer you wanted but you know where you stand with him and what you'll need to do with that. Choosing not to be assertive (with the inherent risk), is paramount to choosing a secure position #3 instead of the only position that a reasonable person would/should accept. Edited October 6, 2013 by salparadise
Author mij Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 wanted to say thank you for the responses. they helped me a lot. thank you :-) i plan on talking with him soon about it. my dad gave me some interesting advice. he said in a few years the grandson will be at an age where he's going to be choosing friends over his grandparents anyways. he'll want to spend less time with them and more with friends and that i should try hanging in there. thoughts? i don't have children so i am not sure what age that starts to happen.
ComingInHot Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 mij, I think you should be counting your victories & spoils instead of dwelling on one More thing you don't have yet or have control over yet. Maybe look at it this way; You put the cart before the horse A.) With the A. B.) With moving in together. C.) Yourself above MM's 8 year old Grandson. MM should have cleaned up his Own house before setting up shop in a new one. You really have gotten what you wanted, MM. I don't know if you understand or not that you'd be getting all of MM's baggage too. His Grandson however is Not "baggage" but a gift.!! Please PLEASE practice a gracious heart this time and step aside for this little boy who loves his Grandpa. It's Not forever. Once the D is Final, you can stay w/MM who'll be DM and no more hiding in embarrassment and feeling second best to a little boy. You'll be Step Grandma then.
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