tinydancer93 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I am heartbroken and so upset after my boyfriend left me a few days ago, unexpectedly. He asked if I was okay during, right after and even a day or two after breaking up with me. Obviously I was not ok, and I still am not...not yet, anyway. The first time he asked, I told him I was shattered, I was honest...But I don't want to come across as needy and desperate. YET I also don't want him to feel "guiltless" and like he has not done any damage, because he HAS, very much so. Then again, I think he knows that... Perhaps I should just ignore him altogether? (This would be hard...) I should mention that I would love for him to change his mind about us...I'm sure that won't happen, but please consider that I want him back when you answer. Thank you.
TaraMaiden Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 This factor is always considered; but the problem is, and obviously you may not see this - is that his Ego still needs inflating. He asks if you're ok, because subconsciously, he needs to know, for his own personal satisfaction, that you miss him. He needs to quantify his own importance in your life, and just how deep a hole he has left by leaving it. He doesn't want that void filled, because that would imply a degree of insignificance. In short, he cares about your hurt for his own satisfaction, not yours. So yes: you definitely need to 'fake it'. But for your own well-being, mental safety and peace of mind, not as a farcical pretence. You also need to indicate that No Contact is what you require, and what would be best for all concerned; Read the link in my signature. It's important (even though the Guide is just the first post) that you absorb the remainder of the thread, too.... Quit responding to his questions. He just wants to know his ego is being nursed, and that he can alleviate his guilt by being so caring. The responses you give, feed and alleviate. That's not your job. He dumped YOU. He hurt YOU. Let him stew in his own juices. 4
qila rose Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 dear tara.we are in almost same situation.my ex dumped me for another girl for 4 weeks ago.he texted and called me almost everyday.just want to ask what am i doing.yes.im just like you.i want him back.i act seems like i dont care.2 days ago i rejected his call.and i can felt like i drive him crazy when he use unknown number to call me. 1
h0000 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Definitely fake it till you feel it. next time when he asks "are you ok", just say "sure". 1
BC1980 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 The best thing you can do is to stop talking to him. Like Tara said, he only wants to know if you are okay to alleviate his guilt. He knows damn well you are not okay. People don't like to see themselves as a**hats, so they will look to the dumpee to affirm they are really not so bad. So. . . . go NC, and he does not know if you are okay or not. When he broke up with you, he forfeited rights to know how you are. He gives up all the fringe benefits of the relationship. I was in LC for 4 months after my breakup, and it makes me sick to think of the way I was alleviating guilt for my ex. I didn't know I was doing it at the time, but he wanted me to stick around (and still does) to know I am okay. So he doesn't have to feel bad. Selfish, selfish motive. Of course, I offered it to him on a plate. NC is in order for you right away. I finally went NC 6 weeks ago and have never felt better. My example shows how selfish a dumper can be. When I requested NC, my ex made it out like he was the one being abandoned. I can't even go into how sick it all really was, but the poor guy is so messed up in the head that he doesn't even realize what he is doing. Regardless, realize that the priority is you, and you alone are the only one who can go NC and protect yourself. I realized that too late, but I am glad I finally came to my senses. 4
Author tinydancer93 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I agree with what everyone is saying and will take the advice of NC or just a brief "Yes I'm fine" if necessary. I don't think his intentions are entirely dishonorable though...he knows how hard I took my last break out and seems genuinely concerned for my wellbeing. I do, however, think that NC is best...
Romaks Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I'd go completely no contact. He dumped you, so neither you nor he is responsible for the other. ^What they said was right about him asking you. Sure he cares about you, but he dumped you, so him asking if you're alright is more for him than for you. Tell him that you need to get over him and move on with life as quick as possible so you would appreciate that he doesn't contact you again. 2
h0000 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 If they want to ease the guilt, at least they feel guilty for putting you in pain..imagine if they dont even care how you feel but sometimes they dont know NC actually is better for them to "care for your feelings" 1
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Fake it til you make it is the best way. Them checking on you etc is them feeling guilty. Asking if you are ok is just ridiculous if you ask me. Of course your not. Its a stupid question and is just a way for them to make themselves feel better. And i think knowing you are soooo upset is just a boost to their ego. I'd go with the I'm fine, if you choose to reply at all. 1
Never Again Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 If he asks and you feel the need to reply, keep it BRIEF. NC is the absolute best choice for your mental health, but if you feel the need to respond you should keep it short and to the point. You can let him know that you're okay in a manner that also lets him know that you're not interested in communicating with him further. I screwed this up with my ex. She wanted me in her life (the classic "have your cake and eat it too" crap after I was dumped because the honeymoon period ended). I told her that I didn't know if/when that'd ever happen and tried to go NC right away. She'd send a text my way here and there, trying to keep in touch. I was too concerned about my image and didn't want to boost her ego by letting her know I wasn't over her, so I'd respond. I don't regret responding...I regret letting the responses turn into conversations. I made her feel better because she knew I was still there and would still talk to her. Don't make my mistake. 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 You should not pretend to be ok. I understand you want him back but that is not reality. He dumped you. He does not want you back. He is trying to relieve his own guilt by comforting you. Don't mistake that for wanting you back. Now is the time to be brave. Cut contact and never look back. You won't feel this way forever.... 1
HeartinPain Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I wish this thread was here earlier. For some reason I thought if you let them know you were "good" it makes them sad/jealous that you are able to live life confidently without them. After the breakup I had completely stopped eating and sleeping normal hours. It was obvious I had become really sickly and became slightly crazy with all the anxiety I was suffering. He texted a few weeks back to ask if I was taking care of myself and I said "I'm alright. thanks for asking." UGH now that I think back it probably alleviated some of his guilt. ARGGGGH. 1
Never Again Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I wish this thread was here earlier. For some reason I thought if you let them know you were "good" it makes them sad/jealous that you are able to live life confidently without them. After the breakup I had completely stopped eating and sleeping normal hours. It was obvious I had become really sickly and became slightly crazy with all the anxiety I was suffering. He texted a few weeks back to ask if I was taking care of myself and I said "I'm alright. thanks for asking." UGH now that I think back it probably alleviated some of his guilt. ARGGGGH. It wouldn't have done any good to let him know how you were suffering either. You didn't do anything wrong by telling him you were okay. Yes, it may have been for the "wrong" reason of making him feel sad/jealous...but you will be okay eventually. NC would've benefitted YOU by keeping you from agonizing over this decision, but you have no idea how he would've interpreted it....and how he feels doesn't matter. Some dumpers interpret NC as a sign of weakness...that you're too upset to talk with them. Some see it as anger, some as strength, some are indifferent. Point is, don't worry about how he feels about it. You gave him the impression that you were strong. Now you can go NC and have it be from a place of power. Don't let him hold sway over how you feel. You told him you were okay without him...now go be okay without him. Be so good without him that he'll really regret leaving, and by that time you'll have found someone better. 1
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