Men - do past relationship hurts prevent you from opening up to a new woman?

[tinydancer93]

Example: A man in his forties has been cheated on by every woman he has ever been in a relationship with (while he has always been faithful) and has had his heart broken more times than he can count. His last relationship was 2 years ago. He openly admits to being "picky" with the women he dates, not that he ever really dates anymore.

 

Is it reasonable to believe that this man would have trouble opening up his heart to a new woman? To run away the second things start to get "serious", even if he is really "into" this woman? Men, if you can relate, is there anything a woman can to do to help you feel secure enough to open your heart?

[Carenth]

I'm no where near my forties. However my taste in women has changed greatly even in the last 5 years. I come away from each relationship and end up redefining what I want from the next relationship.

 

I would say it is to be expected with experience your criteria changes. Only the naive would continue to date a certain type of person if they are constantly getting hurt by them (cheating in your example). So yes I think it's quite possible that a guy who has being cheated on multiple times would have trust issues which may prevent them from opening up.

 

I personally have never being cheated on thus far thankfully. I imagine I would become someone more jaded and selective if it did happen to me.

[MercuryMorrison1]

Of course any man who's been cheated on will probably have some reserves going into his next relationship. I know I did.

 

I'm only 25 myself, but I was in a long term relationship that lasted about 3 years (this was in my mid/late teens) And the girl I was seeing at that time cheated on me multiple times, and honestly nowadays trust is an issue for me, I recently opened up a thread here on LS titled (Learning to trust again) which chronicles this very issue.

 

Once anyone man or woman has had their heart broken, it will take time for them to learn to trust again and it will likely make them alot more selective of their potential partners.

[skydiveaddict]

 

Is it reasonable to believe that this man would have trouble opening up his heart to a new woman?

 

In my opinion yes.

[Mascara]

Example: A man in his forties has been cheated on by every woman he has ever been in a relationship with (while he has always been faithful) and has had his heart broken more times than he can count. His last relationship was 2 years ago. He openly admits to being "picky" with the women he dates, not that he ever really dates anymore.

 

Is it reasonable to believe that this man would have trouble opening up his heart to a new woman? To run away the second things start to get "serious", even if he is really "into" this woman? Men, if you can relate, is there anything a woman can to do to help you feel secure enough to open your heart?

 

I just.... I don't know. If a man is telling you this, and that's why you're asking.... he sounds like a commitment phobe... those types always seem to have a very good reason why they're still single, and it's usually "not their fault".

 

Everyone gets their heart broken, it's not very likely that his has been broken significantly more than the average. So maybe he is the common denominator.

 

All I know is that if you believe it's your actions that can change a man like that, you're in for months - if not years - of hurt.

[Woggle]

It took me a long time to be able to open up to my wife. I am glad I did but it was one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever done.

 

Betrayal by a woman can really really do a number on a man's state of mind and many never truly trust women after it.

[giblesp]

Its good to take into account a partners past hurts, and quite simply not repeat the things their previous partner did.

 

All you have to do is not cheat, which I'm sure you wouldn't.

 

It can take alot of courage to step away from the past. But courage is what he'll need to give you what he has. Create the space for him to do so, but let him take the choice as a man.

[mikei880]

I think it depends upon the person. There is no way that a relationship will grow and last if one person has "walls" up. I'm a very open person myself, and I got smoked pretty good after 15 years of marriage. I don't know any other way to do things than to throw myself into it.

I feel that counseling helps if this happens or you find yourself getting cheated on over and over. Use the past as a lesson to choose better partners but don't project a previous partners bad behavior onto a new partner. And also while dating pay attention to the red flags that come up, if someone needs fixing its on them to get fixed not yourself.....

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look around...a lot of guys use this as a valid excuse to be emotionally withdrawn, less expressive and communicative in a relationship.

 

But that's their issue and responsibility...no there's nothing you can do, other than provide a safe childlike mothering type environment where they feel safe and that doesn't mean it'll ever be good enough because it has nothing to do with you...so since it's not about you they're still going to go into turtle mode and the truth is a lot of people like it there...it leads them to be disconnected from women without having to be attached and going down with the ship when the relationship inevitably emotional fails...plus the kind of woman a man chooses while in this state is never a good one...it's typically someone who is just constantly trying to care and nurture them...so that becomes your role in the relationship while the other remains in the dark, your desire to fix someone and their desire to be fixed...a match made in heaven....a lot of women are like that as well, it's not just men who are closed off emotionally and unable to express and talk about certain things.

 

This can also be a result of childhood experiences/trauma (like all things/personal issues) so that can instill a fear, anxiety and compartmentalization because they're used to keeping those feelings outside of their feeling box. Numbing themselves, push it away and try to ignore it and move on, because they don't know how to deal with it.

 

New women tend to believe they're the exception to the rule and that they have some magical touch others do not...but like I said, it's not even about you, its up to that person to open up and conquer their own fears...and that's honestly going to happen with or without you, you might be the one that's their to assist them or for them to take that plunge but they reach that point in their own time, when they feel comfortable or strong enough to bear it...it never feels quite right.

 

At the end of the day people need to take responsibility for their own shet, but then again who does that...or even wants to do that "alone".

[RedRobin]

Anytime someone gives an excuse.... past hurts, kids, work, whatever... to avoid actions that build intimacy... it's a ridiculously simple equation and it doesn't matter why. Put any handwaving and smokescreens aside and just keep it on the basics.

 

Find someone who is more available or interested.

 

People sufficiently motivated AMAZINGLY find the time and ability to open up... and if they don't or can't.. it's not your problem to worry about.