noble Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together 5.5 years and we've never broken up or taken a break. Lately I've been starting to worry that hes drinking too much and since my mother was an alcoholic im concerned about it. I tried talking to him about it tonight and he got really mad and stormed out of my house. When I tried calling him later he answered and said he was "done" with me and hung up. I am really freaking out just cause I am super upset and I really dont want to be breaking up. But I'm not calling or texting I am just going to leave him alone because obviously I cant force him to talk to me. However, not even ten minutes before the fight started he was kissing me and telling me that he loved me. Is it possible that hes just really mad and speaking out of anger? Or should I assume that he means what he says? I dont want to fool myself into thinking that hes just angry because if he really intends to break up with me I want to be prepared for it. I dont want to be expecting him to call tomorrow and say he wants to talk if that's not going to happen, but at the same time I can't help but feel anxious about when I will hear from him next. Right now honestly I feel sort of numb. Just sad.. I cant even begin to imagine what my life would be like if we werent together, it's been so long and we are together every day and talk about "when we're married" and whatnot..
Grumpybutfun Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 noble: Did you talk about his drinking with him while he was drinking? G
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Yes, actually I did. Maybe that was stupid. I didn't bring it up in a bitchy way I was just like "hey.. i wanna talk to you about something.. I'm starting to worry that you're drinking too much and I dont want it to become a problem for you".. it came out of a place of deep love and care for him, i dont want to see him make any stupid mistakes and I feel like in the past few months his drinking has increased. after he stormed out I tried looking for him(stupid) and also calling him cause I was worried about him. my sister, when i told her i was out looking for him, was shocked. she told me that i should just go home and act like "screw you" about it and that basically i was being a doormat and by being so willing to try and help him and chase after him that it was just teaching him that he can treat me anyway he wants.. i just dont understand why he gets so defensive whenever i try to talk to him about anything serious. it is showing me that he has a real problem communicating about things and that is a serious concern for me. man, i feel really bummed out. i really hope that he contacts me tomorrow. we are one of those together-all-the-time couples and its been that way for so long i cant even imagine right now if we werent together.. bummer.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 If its only just happened he might of just been speaking out of anger. You will just have to ride it out and see I guess. You'd know him better then anyone else. Does he overreact sometimes? My ex always said we should be able to talk about anything - then when you'd bring up an issue he'd withdraw totally and find some reason to BU. Totally passive, agressive. Is he like that?
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 i just dont understand why he gets so defensive whenever i try to talk to him about anything serious. it is showing me that he has a real problem communicating about things and that is a serious concern for me. This isnt good. Speaking from experience if you cant talk about the hard issues then they become bigger and bigger until it seems they are too big to resolve. Got to be able to discuss the hard stuff. Some people are like this I think. They like the "idea" of a relationship but then when things aren't great they bail cos its just too hard and they dont want to put in any work.
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I suppose he can be. I feel like he got very defensive very easily. He started trying to deflect everything I was saying and getting weirdly accusatory. Wanted to know if I lectured other guys I dated who drank a lot?? I dated a few guys before him who drank a lot but by dated it was like 1 month so it wasn't like something I would have brought up to them.. I said that.. I said "no, but I love you so its way different"... then he said he felt like he was "dating his mom" because of my always "complaining" about something. I feel like when we argue he uses a lot of all or nothing statements, everything is black and white to him and if he is pissed off it is sort of pointless trying to get him to calm down and talk rationally about stuff. usually though by the time the next day rolls around he is more calm and level headed and we can discuss the fight and why it happened, or whatever. this time feels different because he actually said he was done and we have never broken up before during a fight or anything. we've both been very committed to the relationship and very committed to working through any problems together so the fact that he said that it is hard for me to judge if he just said it out of anger in the moment or if he was sorta holding onto this one waiting for a good opportunity. dont get me wrong i feel totally devastated and sad about it. i dont want to break up because i love him. but if that is what happens i will be okay, i can't let this destroy my life and i dont want to let someone else have that much power and control over my happiness. i want him in my life, i love him and enjoy his company and i have imagined him in my life forever. thats what i want. if he doesnt want that i am going to be really sad, but i will have to accept it. thats how im trying to look at things right now because i dont want to delude myself into thinking that tomorrow he will call me and apologize. it is totally possible that this is for real. man, i dont even like thinking about it it feels like having the wind knocked out of you when youre sitting down. when he said that on the phone tonight my skin got all tingly and i felt immediately sick and like i wanted to throw up..
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 This isnt good. Speaking from experience if you cant talk about the hard issues then they become bigger and bigger until it seems they are too big to resolve. Got to be able to discuss the hard stuff. Some people are like this I think. They like the "idea" of a relationship but then when things aren't great they bail cos its just too hard and they dont want to put in any work. David is definitely willing to put in work. I mean, he has been super committed to me for over five years and has dealt with all my issues in the mean time -- insecurity, anxiety, jealousy issues. and he's taken it all in stride and we've talked about all of this stuff. i think it is more like when he feels "attacked".. not to defend him or anything, but he is capable of having hard conversations he just doesn't like to..
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 So why do you think its different this time? Seems like a bit of an overreaction to some comments about him drinking too much.
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I dont know.. I guess the fact that he said he was done, when we've never really said that or threatened each other with it before. it seems really hurtful to pull that card if you dont actually mean it. so i am sort of assuming he does mean it. but then yes i know he was really upset and maybe just needs to cool off. i know he loves me a lot because we still have a very affectionate relationship with one another. theres a lot of love there, and i dont think it is worth just throwing away. but i cant speak for him.. although he does tend to be more of a rash person that i am. i dont throw things around unless i mean them..
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 i just want some advise and maybe someone to talk to here. i dont want to call everyone i know and cry to them saying we broke up if it isnt a real break up and it was just something said out of the heat of the moment. i slept okay last night probably cause i was so exhaustd from worrying.. now im wondering if he is going to contact me today and desperately hoping that he is going to.**** i feel so stupid
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 now I feel even more confused he just called me. he wanted to let me know he got home safe and that he wants me to come over so he can work on my brakes and check them since they've been squeaking/grinding. he acted totally normal on the phone and didnt mention anything he said. I know he was drinking last night when I talked to him but I don't think he was drunk or at least not drunk enough to not remember what happened and what he said.. I don't know how to bring it up though.. clearly we need to talk about it I just don't want to start another fight. I want to have a level headed discussion about it..
Grumpybutfun Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 (edited) Noble: Your bf's drinking is triggering you because of your mother's drinking. You are projecting not only your feelings from your situation with him, but also the feelings that affected you when your mother drank. This is actually a very serious hurdle because everything you feel about your mother's alcoholism is now clouding your vision about his drinking. Be objective and notice....does he normally act out at you, yell, get angry, punch things, hit you or neglect you when he is drinking? Does he drink too much as in you think he is an alcoholic or is it just a few beers here and there to unwind, or maybe a binge on the weekend (over 6 beers in one sitting?) If he acts out and hits you, verbally abuses you or is angry and vitriolic, then good riddance, and do not read any further because my next statements are only geared towards you if he just got defensive over your nagging, is using alcohol only recently in excess and he stormed out. If no abuse: A major no-no is talking to anyone about anything when they are drinking alcohol because it lowers inhibitions and is a downer, therefore his mood can quickly be chemically altered. It sounds as though you "nag" him bout things and so he responded by lashing out. He is probably tired of the nagging more than anything. Men are wired differently than women. When you say - "hey.. i wanna talk to you about something.. I'm starting to worry that you're drinking too much and I dont want it to become a problem for you".. what he hears is...I don't like it when you drink and I am going to now control you by nagging you until it does. It probably reminds him of being mothered or controlled. I absolutely know that this isn't what you intended because you are concerned with him becoming ruled by alcohol and that it is a crutch for something else for him, but I am pretty sure that is what he is hearing. As far as if he broke up with you for real, that is something that time will tell. You have been together for a while and it sounds like he worked through some insecurity issues with you so there is always hope that he is truly invested. Remember, the last thing men want is to be married to someone who acts like their mother. He is an adult and though he may be making some bad decisions concerning alcohol, it is still his life to ruin. You definitely need to talk about expectations in the relationship if he comes back. I would tell him with as much humility and love as possible that you aren't trying to control him, that you are concerned because of the situation with your mother which made you feel....(neglected? abandoned? confused? hurt? whatever it made you feel.) You just want to know if he is drinking because of any issues he is having with his family, with you, with work, etc. I suspect if this is a new thing, he may be having problems with someone or something...finances? friends? You? Of course, my opinion is just an opinion, but relationships always needs to be fine tuned and not abandoned just because of poor communication. Your values on alcohol and his are obviously very different so you both need to sit down and talk about what you both expect concerning this issue. Alcohol is a crutch for many things and I have lived through this (family) and know that with lots of love and communication, abusing alcohol can be worked through and relationships saved. You aren't stupid for trying to fix a 5.5 year relationship. You love him and it sounds as though he loves you so stop trying to turn him into an enemy because you had a fight (these happen in relationships) and work as a team to figure this out so that both of you are in a happy, healthy place again. While he is MIA write down what you want to say to him. Write down what your expectations are. Prepare yourself for the possibility that it may be over and work out details of what you are going to do if it is...however, I see him returning and you working this out after he cools off. Best of Luck, Grumps P.S. I finished writing after you had posted. From reading your statement above, it seems he stormed out and was alcohol induced mad. My advice still stands. Edited October 6, 2013 by Grumpybutfun
Author noble Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 grumpy, thank you so much for taking the time to write me that reply. it was really spot on and great. he's never been abusive to me and he doesn't throw things he just got angry and stormed out. I think you're right about my own issues with alcohol. I have abandonment issues from my childhood because my mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict and it left me feeling very insecure as a child. his recent increase in drinking is sort of triggering that in me and I am hyper aware and paranoid of the fact that adult children of alcoholics often end up in relationships with alcoholics which is not what I want for myself. currently I do not believe he is an alcoholic or has a problem but I do see the emergence of this being an issue down the line if it were to continue at the degree it is now. you are right about not addressing problems when someone is already drinking when I spoke to him today and he was level headed the conversation went a lot smoother and I do believe he felt/feels like my concern was me trying to me controlling because he actually said I was acting like his mother and that "no one wants to sleep with their mother".. I'm still hurt by some of the things he said in the heat of the moment but I really believe that if the foundation of a relationship is strong and loving that almost any problem is surmountable. I believe that we need to work on our communication moving forward and perhaps I need to relax a little bit because I am so vigilantly aware of his drinking that e feels I am magnifying it in my own mind due to my past. again thank you so much for your thoughful advice it was result needed and appreciated. wish I could hug you!
Beautiful diamond Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 The fact he is bringing up dumping you means the relationship is over. If I were you I would just end it. He is probably going back and forth and looking for a good reason to dump you. After 5.5 years if he hasn't proposed something is wrong. Something about your relationship is off.
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