Question for married Woman AP or single OM

[Alejandra74]

Long story which spans over 2 1/2 years. I'm involved with a single man and I'm married. It used to be very intense when he lived in my same town. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. He moved away for work. However the affair hasn't ended.

 

We still feel very strongly about one another. He claims he never slept with anyone while we were together. We broke up and he slept with someone else. We see eachother when we can. He is in a rebound relationship now. It's weird because this woman is similar to me in many ways. It's like subconsciously he's trying to find someone like me though he denies it. Anyway loooong story short. He asked me to visit him in his new city.

 

I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for <her> to visit his new place before I do. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him.

 

Yet I don't like to be in his place after her. I just don't I should tell him I'm out. That it's over and I don't wish to seem him again. I can handle her <being> in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. I know. Completely twisted. Yet it is what it is.

 

Last time we saw eachother he kept telling me he loved me and got upset when he claimed he said it 3 times and I didn't respond. I honestly don't recall that happening.

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[thecharade]

You already know how you feel.

Out.

So yes, tell him.

[Quiet Storm]

Long story which spans over 2 1/2 years. I'm involved with a single man and I'm married. It used to be very intense when he lived in my same town. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. He moved away for work. However the affair hasn't ended. We still feel very strongly about one another. He claims he never slept with anyone while we were together. We broke up and he slept with someone else. We see eachother when we can. He is in a rebound relationship now. It's weird because this woman is similar to me in many ways. It's like subconsciously he's trying to find someone like me though he denies it. Anyway loooong story short. He asked me to visit him in his new city. I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting toi visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for me to visit his new place before I do. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him. Yet I don't like to be in his place after her. I just don't I should tell him I'm out. That it's over and I don't wish to seem him again. I can handle her wing in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. I know. Completely twisted. Yet it is what it is. Last time we saw eachother he kept telling me he loved me and got upset when he claimed he sa8id it 3 times and I didn't respond. I honestly don't recall that happening.

 

First, he didnt seek out a woman like you because you cheat on your husband. Men don't want cheaters for a real relationship.

 

Yes, you are wrong. You feel entitled to something you do not deserve. You can choose to demand whatever you want. It doesn't mean he will consider your feelings. If you can't handle it, then you should let him go or leave your marriage (but would he want a cheater for real?).

Edited October 6, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Scott Thomas]

The posters who commented that men rarely commit to cheaters are spot on. I personally know half a dozen blokes who targeted, seduced and slept with married women in the last few years. They had no problem dating or sleeping with them.

 

When it came to committing, marrying and starting a family with these married women, most of these men RAN away. While this is not the norm and you can find a few cases that stand out, you could search the OW/infidelity sections for more answers. In the end, it is very likely that he will not commit to you. Chances are that you'll be the unfaithful woman he sleeps with on the side while he searches for a faithful partner to start a family with.

 

This is coming from someone who was a single OM decades ago. Nothing that I'm proud of-you get one shot at life, don't ruin yours.

 

There are some posters who were in the same situation as you are. We advised them to end the A, confess to their husbands, work on their marriage/divorce and them start afresh. Some posters ignored this advice and came back months later to complain that they've lost everything-the OM, their own husbands and their families. Please act pre-emptively so that you do not end up in a similar mess.

 

PS. I'm not judging you, but don't you think all this in a bit unfair for your husband-unless he's aware that you've cheated. If you're entitled to your happiness then your husband is also entitled to his, which ironically includes a faithful spouse. Mull over this for some time....

[Try]

He asked me to visit him in his new city. I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for me to visit his new place before I do.

You are not wrong to think that it is gross for someone to make a commitment, sneak behind your back as they intentionally plan to break that commitment, lie to you about it, and then give something to someone else that they promised exclusively to you. Bottom line, is he is a cheater that cannot be trusted.

[Alejandra74]

Marrying the OM isn't possible and honestly I wouldn't leave one relationship to jump right into another. He doesn't live in my state anymore so things have simmered down considerable.

 

Yes I acknowledge if I can't be exclusive to him then I can't expect him to hold certain things just for me. If I'm honest with myself the reason I wanted to be first is so his memories would be of us versus he and her. And that seems manipulative and I don't want to do that to him.

 

Never seeing him or speaking to him again is not easy. We have a hold on eachother which I'm sure you guys understand. Food tastes better with him, the most mundane things aren't when we are together. I don't foresee him coming back to live in my area for the next 1-2 years and eventually things will completely die down. Love can't thrive if you don't feed it and that's what he and I are slowly trying to do hence his rebound relationship or band-aid relationship as I call it.

[carhill]

Here's my perspective as a fOM, who was single during a multi-year affair...

 

You are married; your H was 'with you' before this OM was, in every way. OM resolved that reality in his mind to enter into an affair with you. In the circumstance you relate, a third party lady will be 'with him' in his new domicile prior to you. This is part and parcel of adult relationships. People are with each other and with others as they choose. You chose to be with him while married. That is a discrete, meaning separate, adult relationship. He enjoys similar choices and prerogatives.

 

To be honest, I didn't really see a defined question you wished answered by a single OM so I'll leave my observation as above. Good luck.

[anne1707]

Just because you think it is a rebound (or bandaid) relationship, it does not mean it is. After my affair ended, I initially thought the relationship the exOM entered was a rebound. Well they are still together 5 years on, married and as far as I know perfectly happy. Am I bothered? No

 

Point is that you are still feeding the affair by telling yourself it is a rebound. You could very easily be wrong.

[Alejandra74]

@carhill - the question was am I wrong to feel like I don't want to visit now that I know she will be there before me after I asked him not to have her visit before me. I'm over it now. It's childish and I was upset he didn't listen. I honestly can't demand anything from him much in the same way he can't demand anything of me.

 

In regards to this being a rebound relationship, it is. First they didn't meet as most normal couples do. He knew he wanted to end the relationship we had because he was suffering. Before he resolved to tell me he knew he would need someone in his life to help distract him from the pain he would feel. He's done it before when we had attempted to break up. He realized that having someone in his life made it easier on him because he didn't have to feel the pain of the loss. Anyway he found this girl in FB and messaged her. He picked someone in another state so he could have the benefits of a GF without the daily commitment. I know for a fact he contacted her days before he and I called it quits. He admits it helps him and that serves to help him heal. Plus he can never marry her. His family would never approve of her for religious reasons. His own cousin told me his family would disown him if he married someone not of his background or religion.

 

To be clear, I don't insist on being in his life. He does. I have no problem letting him go if that's what he really wants but that's not what he wants. He says he never wants me completely out of his life even if in the end we end up in a platanoic relationship.

[ForeverHopeful1]

You are not wrong to think that it is gross for someone to make a commitment, sneak behind your back as they intentionally plan to break that commitment, lie to you about it, and then give something to someone else that they promised exclusive to you. Bottom line, is he is a cheater that cannot be trusted.

 

Dear God... what? Just like the OP is doing to her husband by engaging in the A??? Did we forget SHE is the married party in this?

 

OP - why is it ok for you to have a husband but its not ok for him to have his girlfriend visit him before you do? Just a little hypocritical.

 

Go with what youre feeling but dont end it simply because youre jealous. Now you know how it feels to have the person you love, spend time with someone else. End your marriage and he would be all yours, as he loves you so very much. You wont be with him, so he has tried to move on and push you out of the way, much like you did with him when you decided he wasnt good enough to leave your marriage for. And.... you still treat him as if youre single. You're not, so stop pretending you are.. I dont think you have any grounds to put your foot down and be angry. You do have the right to walk away and no longer partake in the A.

 

You cant stay married and control your OMs life. It doesnt work that way.

[Livingeachday]

Interesting thread - I can not help but wonder what the reactions would have been if you would be an OM asking the same question with regards to your single female AP.

 

So here is my opinion based on what I would tell any MM that would post the same question:

Yes, I think you are wrong for wanting to put your mark on his new house before his girlfriend. "Rebound" relation or not - she is now his girlfriend and you are supposed to have broken up with him anyway. The fact that he actually invited her to his new house first alone should tell you something - that he is in fact putting her first now and rightly so cos you would never put him first in your life. You are just annoyed that you no longer hold absolut power over him. Get over it! Give the man a chance to find a happy relationship - no matter if that is his current one or any other he finds at a later point in time. You have no intention to be "the" woman in his life than let him start the healing and let go.

 

You don't insist on being in his life and you have no problem to let him go? You are fooling yourself... of course you do cos than you would lose your optional side-dish.

[Alejandra74]

I don't know the dynamics of the single fAP and MM. Seems to me from your post and many I have read that they seem to use their AP and tell them what they would like to hear in order to keep them. You also assume that my sOM asked me to leave my husband and that I denied him. Simply put it just isn't possible. Would I want to be with him? Yes. However, I don't believe if I left my husband for this new man that things would work out for several reasons that I have read here and on therapist sites. Basically if you don't resolve the issues in your marriage they are bound to crop up in the new relationship. I've told him that if circumstances were different and I were single that I would love to be with him and he agrees. But we are both aware that it's not the right thing to do to leave my H for another man. Things are complicated at home but throwing in the towel without first giving it a go are a non-starter.

 

I am also not preventing him from moving on. I don't text him unless he texts me first. I don't profess my love to him in an attempt to hold on to him. I also don't view him "as a side dish". Don't forget I am not a man I am a woman and we don't view men as a dish! Geez! If he wants me in his life it is his choice. Why? Exactly because I don't want him to feel I am preventing him from moving on.

 

We are both slowly trying to let go of the connection however that does't happen overnight and especially not given the way he and I feel for eachother. We have both agreed that we will avoid saying things to eachother that will cause the love to grow. I step out of his life to let him heal and do his thing. If he wants to reach out that's fine but I will not impose mysef and prevent him from healing. If I visit him it's because he asked me to. After this trip I don't see myself inviting myself over. If he wants me to come I will. If he feels he needs to be alone that's fine too. Whatever is best to help him move on I'm fine with. If he cuts off all communication that's fine too. Why am I fine? Because I love him and when you love someone you would rather they be happy than you.