Jim305 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I just broke-up with my ex-fiance. I love her and miss her and she loves me, but she was behaving in ways that were causing me to be in so much pain, even physically sick, that I had to leave. It's all explained in another thread I started. We've talked and texted every single day for almost three years. Today there was absolutely no contact between us. I know she's hurting terribly. Should I send her a little text message saying I hope she's okay & am thinking about her? But then, of course she's not okay! And I don't want to confuse her, to give her false hope that I might come back. I'm not necessarily gone from her life forever, we could maybe someday be friends. She called me yesterday but I couldn't answer the phone (she just wanted some pictures from our recent trip) because it would've been just too painful to hear her voice. On the other hand, I don't want to encouraging her to keep calling trying to get me back. This is all so horrible! So completely sad! I remember years back when somebody I was desperately in love with broke-up with me, what followed was total silence and non-communication. But looking back, I'm not sure whether it would've helped or hurt if she had contacted me. What do you guys think?
lindsay1990 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 No. Do not contact her. Your inclination to write her isn't about her but about you. You don't want to write her to "ease her pain" but to "ease your guilt". Leave the girl alone. There is nothing you can say to make her feel better except taking back the break up and getting back together. Do not be selfish. As for being friends, it's not only up to you to decide in which capacity you want her in your life. You were a romantic couple, now you're not. Letting her know you are willing to be friends or remain in her life, is part downgrade part pity and only adds insult to injury. Just let her be. 5
Phoe Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 NO!!!! contacting her will make the moving on process harder and longer for her. 1
Author Jim305 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Okay, I hear you all loud & clear; message understood. Two follow-up questions: 1) She wants the pictures from our recent trip, and I told her I'd send them to her. I assume I should still do that, right? 2) I have several other pictures of us doing things together throughout our relationship, and she's always wanted these pictures also but, since I thought she'd be moving-in, I never gave them to her. Should I give them to her now? Note: some of them are pretty hard to look at - us together in much happier times. Her having them now might do more harm than good. On the other hand, she loves keepsakes and pictures, all records of her past - I think she'd want them. 3) If she calls or texts, should I answer or ignore her? It would be damn tough to ignore her! Any thoughts would be MUCH appreciated... Thanks.
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 1. Yes. With a note that just says "Here are the pictures I promised." That's all. Nothing more than that. 2. She didn't ask for them. I'd leave them alone. 3. Tougher one. The kindest thing would be to not respond. It will initially feel like the unkindest thing but it really won't be. Sorry that you're going through this. It sucks for both of you...only in different ways, perhaps. 1
Stealth3 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 This is the problem with people these days...they think they can break with someone (whatever reason they have, good or bad) and they also think that someday they can be friends...or don't want to disappear completely from their life. Once you break up, you have to accept that its over, no friendship, no being part of their life, you are dead to each other. Friendships post breakup almost never work You made your decision and part of that decision is that everything is over. If you cant accept that, then you made a mistake and either you fix it or live with it. 1
lindsay1990 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Only give her the ones she's asking for now. AS for taking her calls, unless you have any urgent or practical business to tend to between the both of you, I would advise you avoid it. Dumpees cannot help but read into everything you say, and contact will either provide hope or nostalgia. If you don't want to just ignore her, maybe the FIRST time she calls you can tell her that you think that it's best if you avoid contact for a couple of months, because it is difficult for both of you and you both need to time to heal k thanks. I think.
Mariposa10 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Why did you guys break up in the first place?? You say you love her and she loves you back...? Was it because of the age gap? I hope not...
organizedchaos Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 This is the problem with people these days...they think they can break with someone (whatever reason they have, good or bad) and they also think that someday they can be friends...or don't want to disappear completely from their life. Once you break up, you have to accept that its over, no friendship, no being part of their life, you are dead to each other. Friendships post breakup almost never work You made your decision and part of that decision is that everything is over. If you cant accept that, then you made a mistake and either you fix it or live with it. Agreed. My attitude is, if you didn't want to be a part of my life anymore and you walked out of it, then you don't get to be a part of my life anymore. Whether that's a friendship or staying connected online. You want out? Then go.
ponchsox Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Please, for her sake, no. Contacting her is going to further slow her heeling process. NC is the only way.
anna121 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Given the backstory I would send her only the recent photos but with a one-sentence message. Radio silence re: everything else.
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