emmalee Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 For a period of months now, I have been an OW. I often read LS and have noticed many stories end up with the same stereotypical outcome. As my affair deepens I am starting to see signs of this "stereotypical behaviour". I would like to know more, maybe from someone who has been reading this forum longer than I, about the way the MM/OW dynamic typically goes. We have entered the stage of talking about ending up together, saying I love you etc. I am really beginning to get quite emotionally invested. Are there typical stages, or a timeline of things? Certain things you've read a million times before?
WakingUp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 There are certain things I have heard a million times before. From my MM. Over a period of FIVE YEARS. Guard your heart. 2
cocorico Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Are there typical stages, or a timeline of things? Certain things you've read a million times before? Some As do seem to follow a "script", but far from all. The danger is seeing others that look similar, and projecting those outcomes (good or bad) onto your own R. Because people post few details on a forum, for good reason, it is impossible to say how "alike" any Rs actually are, especially of factors that are really significant for that particular R are omitted in the posts. Thinking "this sounds like my R" can thus only work up to a point. More usefully, of there are things that are concerning you about your R, whether or not they seem stereotypical or not, you should explore those further and take seriously any worries you have. If you feel that the R does not have the kind of prospects you are hoping for, then best to withdraw your investment before you feel that you are in too deep to walk away. But if you're generally happy with how things are going, and simply worried because of others ending badly, then I'd caution against too much projection. Depending on what you're wanting from the R, and what your partner is wanting, the chances may be greater or smaller of it working out to both of your satisfaction - but the only way to know that is to look closely at your own R, rather than assuming that because Camilla got Prince Charles yours will work out, or because Bill Clinton stayed with Hillary! yours won't. 1
Goodbye Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 For a period of months now, I have been an OW. I often read LS and have noticed many stories end up with the same stereotypical outcome. As my affair deepens I am starting to see signs of this "stereotypical behaviour". I would like to know more, maybe from someone who has been reading this forum longer than I, about the way the MM/OW dynamic typically goes. We have entered the stage of talking about ending up together, saying I love you etc. I am really beginning to get quite emotionally invested. Are there typical stages, or a timeline of things? Certain things you've read a million times before? Proceed with extreme caution. It could be "real" or it could be another "impossible" situation. My R with exMM was intense and a bit different as we'd been a long time couple in the past. I didn't expect the "typical" outcome...but I suppose that is what I got. The warning signs that my R was "typical" (although at the time, it felt anything BUT): 1) Claimed his relationship with wife was "over" that it was a sexless friendship for sake of child. 2) Didn't meet deadlines...had the usual excuses of money, kids and "you don't know how hard it is." 3) Future faking...I thought it was all real as in our past relationship there was much talk of the future. He loved to future fake but couldn't make good on his promises. 4) Mysterious disappearances...ours was a very long distance R. He claimed to be separated but then I saw some travel photos on his W's FB and "caught" him traveling at the same time...put 2 and 2 together and confronted him. He minimized it but admitted they were having an "in home" separation. There are LOTS of signs that your R is going to "usual" route. Another word of caution...there are self-appointed "experts" on this board who will wrap your R up with massive generalizations. While there do seem to be patterns, every R (affair or not) is unique. Try and use the advice through your own lens. Only you can really figure it out. Women have intuition for a reason! Good luck. I hope you don't get hurt. 1
legalgirl Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think you have to guard your heart and trust your gut. Some people on here seem to believe every situation is exactly the same. I however do not. Some people definitely do end up together, others drag on the situation forever and no one leaves. I feel that when I just enjoy the present and don't focus so much on the what if's and timeline I am much happier! I believe everyone has different expectations. 1
Owl Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I would disagree with Coco...the vast majority DO indeed "follow a script". We've seen it played here over and over. Those affairs that don't fit the script...such as Coco's...are very, very much a minority. And Pierre is correct...you're in the "future-faking" stage. This is the part where you both start to focus on the "what-ifs". What it would be like "IF" you'd met before the marriage, what it would be like "IF" he had the gumption to end it and leave her...etc... It's a pretty golden time in the affair. It's pretty much when things are at their peak. How long the affair stays there is dependent upon a lot of variables, but the reality is that it'll either be followed by a d-day where the betrayed spouse figures things out and confronts, or a longer/slower death where the OW/OM slowly begins to realize that there are limits to how far the MM/MW really is willing to invest in the affair and how far they'll remove themselves from the marriage...which then begins to manifest itself as recurring disagreemants over "time together"/etc...and eventually leads to the end of the affair because the MM/MW gets tired of the situation and looks for a new affair partner or because the OW/OM get tired of the situation and end the affair to allow themselves to heal. That's my experience from a pretty lengthy time here on these boards at least.
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