Author silverstarlight Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 So tell him! I told him all that and more this afternoon, and I feel so much better.
Phantom888 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hi everyone, I have been with my SO for 3 years, and we got engaged a few months ago. I am 21 and he is 23. You are way too young to be married anytime soon. Looking back, I wish I had waited till I was in my 30s. The reason is that people change as they grow older, and their perspectives mature a great deal between 20 and 30. Most marriages fail when couples are too young for this exact reason. You will outgrow each other. Your GIGS is your mind telling you that you are NOT READY. You do in fact need to date around a bit before you settle down. You need to know what you like and not accept the 1st real relationship. What if he is not the one for you, but you have no one else to compare him to. You have to experience different scenarios of love and relationship before you can really know what is right for you. Hence it really helps to wait till you are 30ish before you get married. At your age, you have a 90% probability of getting a divorce within 5 years of your marriage. Do you really think you can beat the odds, especially with your GIGS doubts already?
dj572 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 To the OP. I met my now ex wife when she was 20. We were each others first serious relationship, first kiss, first time for sex. We were the happiest couple. When we would go out others would comment on how great a couple we were. We were engaged within 6 months but we didn't get married until around the 2 year mark. 8 years after we were married she tells me she wants to leave. She said she felt like she never got to live, she said she regretted getting married so young. In other words she wished she had played the field. Now it's 4 years after she left and I am just finishing paying off most of the bills from the marriage this year. I am bitter and I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I have no desire to be in a relationship anymore it sucks too bad. I wish she had just left early on before wasting 10 years of my life. If you want to f**k around leave him and do it now then get married to whoever later in life if thats what you want. Do not go into a marriage wishing you had played the field. That's my advice for what it's worth but I am bitter about it to be honest.
Mrlonelyone Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 You don't have GIGS. You have half-baked brain syndrome. In short, the frontal cortex of your brain is not fully connected and will not be so attached for another five or six years. And in those intervening years, you are going to go through SO MANY CHANGES of personality and conscious which cannot even be described. Many of us went through this. I was found my "soul mate" at 20 and got married. And then we got divorced by the time we got to 25. The best thing you can do -- if you want to stay together -- is to have a LONG engagement. I'm talking eight to ten years, seriously. Who you are and what you really want out of life will not truly manifest itself until you are closer to thirty. THIS THIS THIS. This is not just an opinion of one person either. At 20 to 25 (and sometimes latter) most people are not done growing neurologically in a very important way. Dr. Phil.com "I'm so glad you asked," Dr. Phil says. "Look, children's brains aren't through growing yet. The brain develops until you're about 25, and one of the last parts that develops is the neocortex, where we have reasoning centers, the ability to predict the consequences of our actions. She can't see around corners. She doesn't understand that what she's doing now is like chumming the water for sharks while you're swimming! That's not what you want to do. She is too cute, and she's dressing provocatively. A bunch of boys are going to pursue her, and she's not going to like the outcome." Married at 20 to 25 years old in this day and age when society as a whole really does not and encourage and support fidelity in the young... YES you need a LONG engangement. You have been together for 3 years you can afford to wait for another six or seven. If at 26 or 27 and him 29 or 30 you will really know you are ready (more so than most people). Don't get pregnant until then. XXOO and people like her and her husband are the happy and or lucky exceptions to most of the rules. They won the lottery and found a good match without having to play for very long. If you OP were totally sure you would feel the way XXOO describes. Listen to her about having doubts. Never get married if you have any doubts.
hudson701 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Times on the wall for this one lol... I give it 1 year before you're backpacking across the world shagging anything and everything in hostels 1
Quiet Storm Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Please don't get married for at LEAST 5 years. People who get married at 22 are the ones who are divorced at 28. You are waaaaaaaaaay too young. Most people feel like their first love is the one and like they will be miserable with anyone else........then they go on and live life very happily with other partners. I'd suggest pre-marital counseling with him and independent counseling by yourself. Does your bf know you have these thoughts, does he feel the same? I married at 18 and am 37 now & still married. My husband and I both knew we were "the one" and didn't see any point in looking for someone else. Even after all this time I don't wonder about being with other men. I will notice attractive men, but it doesn't go further than that. I think its normal to be attracted to others, but you don't have to act on that attraction. Attractive men can be viewed from afar, like a beautiful sunset. I agree that you should not get married. Your first paragraph says how wonderful your relationship is, and the second one contradicts it. I know that when I was young and engaged, I didn't have thoughts of being with others. I would have never considered that. I would never have wanted to put my relationship at risk. I thought my relationship was something special, and it deserved to be protected. I was content & satisfied. You are not content & satisfied. You wish you could go see what's out there, and still have him waiting for you when it doesn't work out. Why? Is it curiosity? If so, then you are not ready to get married yet. Are you incompatible with him in some way? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Do you just want more/different? Making a commitment to someone isn't always easy. You have to have good boundaries. You have to treasure the relationship enough to protect it. Take some time & really think about what you want. Marriage is great, but you have to be willing to sacrifice & compromise. I think counseling is a good idea. Maybe you should take some time away from him, without dating others. Just be alone for awhile & see where your heart leads you. He might wait for you, he might not.
veggirl Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Why do these threads always bring out the people who are the exceptions to the rule? We ALL KNOW there are exceptions to every rule. If you are one, great!!! But what good does it do the OP to encourage her as though she is one? Most likely she is not one. So great, some people marry at fking 13 yrs old and live happily every after. That's not the norm.
Quiet Storm Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Why do these threads always bring out the people who are the exceptions to the rule? We ALL KNOW there are exceptions to every rule. If you are one, great!!! But what good does it do the OP to encourage her as though she is one? Most likely she is not one. So great, some people marry at fking 13 yrs old and live happily every after. That's not the norm. I may be an exception, but I did not encourage her. I clearly told her in my post NOT to get married. I was trying to get her to see that although some people can marry young & have it work out, she is obviously not ready for marriage.
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